HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1999 to 13 Apr 1999
There are 15 messages totalling 700 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Priest & the Nun
  2. Buying Paint
  3. How The Dwarves Got Their Names ("f" word/very adult)
  4. Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to Bubba>
  5. Prairie Home Companion Joke show IV
  6. From a colleague in Tulsa, Oklahoma
  7. Justice for Max
  8. Claims
  9. Spell Checker
 10. Modern Carmen
 11. The Cat and The Lemon (Pun)
 12. Adroit comments & questions about contemporary life
 13. Taking Out the Trash
 14. The Art Of Deduction <clean>
 15. Med School Pun

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 05:03:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Priest & the Nun

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Date:    Wed, 3 May 1995 18:17:51 EDT
     From:    Chris French <GBF94001@UCONNVM.UCONN.EDU>
     Subject: religious humor

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest,
and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing
that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.  She went
to the priest and told him "Father, I believe your rugs need
to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and
told her that he thought that she had been there long enough
to refer to church property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed
to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him "Father,
I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his
attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that
had gone missing.

She assured him she would look for it.  Another few days passed,
and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for
a visit.  The whole parish was in a uproar of cleaning, etc.

On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front
stairs yelling "Father, Father, I found your watch!!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest
and said "Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 06:24:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Buying Paint

          Buying Paint from a Hardware Store

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for
       $18.  How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
               - - - - - - - - - -

          Buying Paint from an Airline

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9
       a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a
       gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you
       intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9
          version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to
       agree to start painting before Friday of that week and
       continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check
       to see if we have any of that paint available before I can
       sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me?
          You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right
          there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It
       may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of
       gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price
       just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of
       times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of
       the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change.
       Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would
       suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons
       do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should
          buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and
       then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and
       possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your
       kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop
       painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation
       of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the
          paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way
       it is.  We make plans based upon the idea that you will use
       all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all
       sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen
          if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my
          paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.
       Thanks for painting with our airline.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 07:08:05 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How The Dwarves Got Their Names ("f" word/very adult)

 Miss Snow White was a randy cow
 And desperate for a fuck,
 So off she went into the woods,
 To try and get some luck.

 She'd almost given up looking,
 When she saw some chimney smoke,
 Then she stumbled on the cottage,
 And went in for a poke.

 Her clothes came off in seconds.
 And she'd just removed her pants,
 When seven dwarves came marching in,
 With a merry song and dance.

 Snow White just stood there speechless,
 And thought she was in heaven,
 Originally after one good shag,
 But now she could have seven.

 Straight away she took command,
 "My fanny needs a lick!"
 And when one dwarf moved forward,
 She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

 So down he went onto all fours,
 And said "I ain't licking that",
 "Not there, that is my arse-hole,
 You DOPEY little brat!"

 The next dwarf started blushing,
 "Do we have to do it here?"
 Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
 Unless you're a fucking queer"

 So reluctantly he whipped it out,
 To prove he was no fool.
 And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
 As she rode upon his tool.

 Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
 Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
 And due to his impatience,
 He couldn't raise a stiff.

 "Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
 So he did as he was told,
 And as soon as he was hard enough,
 He shot his fuckin load.

 The next dwarf got a blow-job,
 And she took him deep quite easy,
 But she just avoided brain-damage,
 When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

 With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
 "You're next, I want your knob!"
 But no sooner had he entered her,
 And he was sleeping on the job.

 Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
 he wanted more from him.
 And he woke with such excitement,
 That he filled her hairy quim.

 The next dwarf rammed his up her,
 And shagged her fanny raw,
 A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
 "That should be against the law."

 He made poor Snow White tremble,
 He was so big and thick.
 "No wonder you're so HAPPY,
 With that fucking great big prick"

 With one dwarf still remaining,
 But feeling rather sore,
 She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
 My twat can't take no more!"

 And so he put his tongue to work,
 Where others had placed their cocks,
 And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
 She named the last dwarf DOC.

 Now Snow White couldn't do much,
 With all that spadge inside her quim,
 So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
 And filled it to the brim.

 So there's the truth about the dwarves,
 And how they got their names,
 By satisfying Miss Snow White,
 And joining in her games.

 There's one more thing you need to know,
 And that's - What happened to that cup,
 Well think of what you're drinking,
 When you next buy 7-Up!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 08:37:25 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to Bubba>

               You Might Be A Redneck If.....

...you think the stock market has a fence around it.
...your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
...your home has more miles on it than your car.
...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
...your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
...you've totaled every car you've ever owned...and
     they are all still parked outside.
...you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
...fewer than half of your cars run.
...you've ever been kicked out of the zoo
     for heckling the monkeys.
...you push your wife in the line of fire to protect your dog.
          +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A. Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
          +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

"Ben," said the judge, "yore wife says she's divorcing you
   'cause she caught you pissin' in the kitchen sink."
"Hell, judge, they weren't no dishes in it!"
          +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment
in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young
lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get
their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough,
she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway ?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on
at once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy?!?" he
thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
          +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Q: What do most sheep die of in West Virginia?
A: Broken necks, from trying to turn their heads
       to kiss 'em while they're screwing 'em.....

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 09:48:12 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Prairie Home Companion Joke show IV

This past weekend Garrison Keillor's "A Priaire Home Companion" had
its fourth annual Joke show.  It's not there yet, but will soon be
available on the show's web page: http://phc.mpr.org/

It is a tribute to our world-wide network of HUMOR posters that
many of the best jokes which were told have already appeared here
on this list.

Here's some from the show:

   I woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double
   entendre.
   So he gave her one.


    How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one.


Jokes from the first three annual joke shows are already available
at PHC's website and you can also purchase them in book form.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 10:12:51 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: From a colleague in Tulsa, Oklahoma

This is for real, I promise. A few weeks ago, a ballet troup called
'Les Ballets de Trockadero de Monte Carlo' danced here. These are
all men, dressed in women's ballet costumes and dancing the
traditional women's dances.

I wish I had been able to see it, but thanks to the article in the
paper, at least I was able to enjoy the some of the faux names
they've adopted: Natasha Notgoudenoff; Ida Nevasayneva; Mikhail
Mypansarov; Igor Slowpokin; Kilroy Wazir.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 10:33:41 +0100
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Justice for Max

Note this is a  follow-up to a story I posted on July 28, 1997.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - -
               Crook Who Shot Gorilla Gets 40 Years

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A South African man who shot a gorilla
while fleeing from police has been sentenced to 40 years in prison,
South African radio said Friday.

Max the gorilla, a star attraction at Johannesburg zoo, became a
folk hero in crime-ridden South Africa in July 1997 after he helped
police to capture Isaac Mofokeng.

Mofokeng ran blindly into Max's den while being pursued by police
after he tried to break into a nearby home.

Max pinned the fugitive against the wall of his enclosure and kept
guard even after Mafokeng shot him in the chest.

During his trial, Mofokeng said Max had bitten him on the buttocks.
``I thought my last hour had come,'' he said.

Mofokeng, a former policeman, was found guilty on 10 of the 11
charges he faced for various crimes, including rape and house-
breaking, the South African Broadcasting Corporation said.

His 40-year prison sentence included five years for malicious
injury to the gorilla.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 14:02:00 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Claims

    Regarding Al Gore's claim that he invented the Internet:

"If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check."

                        - Former Vice President Dan Quayle

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 16:04:14 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spell Checker.

          "Ann Owed too the Spelling Checker"
          (buy Hen Rewards Worth Long Fellow)

Eye halve a spelling checker. It came width my pea see.
It plain lee Marx, four mire revue, miss steaks aye kin knot sea.
Iran this poem threw it, your shore reel pleas tonneau.
Its vary polished inn it's weigh. (My checker tolled me sew.)
It rue lee is a bless sing, it freeze up lodes off thyme;
It helps me right awl stiles two reed, an aides me win aye rime.
Itch frays come posed up on my screen eye trussed wheel bee a
   Joule.
The checker pours oar ever reward two Czech sum spelling rue will.
Bee for a veiling checkers, hour spilling mite decline,
An if wear lacks ore halve a laps, wee wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee caws mice spelling is checked wit such grate flare,
Their hour know faults with inn my cite. (Well, off nun eye am a
   wear.)
Gnarl spelling does naught phase me, it DOS knot bringer tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den with wrapped words fare too here.
Two rite with care is quiet effete off witch won shooed bee
   prowled,
Soul wee mussed dew thee best wee ken, cause floss are knoll long
   era loud.
Thus icon say why idle prays such soft wear fore pea seize,
And why eye brake in two averse, my right tin shore tool pleas.
And soul eye hope Yule all sew bye a checker four yore yews;
Sow win ware right ten beckon fourth, weaken mind hour peas an
   cues.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 13:46:20 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Modern Carmen.

                     A Smoke-Free Carmen
                       by Denis Dutton

Last year Auckland Opera received complaints when its advertising
posters for Bizet's Carmen showed offensive cleavage. In deciding
to withdraw the posters, the general manager of Auckland Opera
sensibly explained, "It behoved us to find a more imaginative way
to sell our product than just to resort to blatant sexist
imagery." In the new ads Carmen had a completely covered chest.

Auckland Opera has taken a step in the right direction of
providing a more wholesome, nonsexist Carmen. It is regrettable,
however, that the recent Canterbury Opera Carmen continued to
promote inappropriate role models and behavioural messages
regarding gender relations, animal rights issues and tobacco
consumption. Admittedly, some of these problems are incorrectly
dealt with in Prosper Merimee's original story. Yet a few minor
changes would enable audiences to enjoy the beautiful music of the
opera without being exposed to offensive and outdated stereotypes.
Herewith, a Carmen for our time:

The first scene takes place in a square in Seville. Young factory
workers spill into the street for their morning break of fresh
fruit. One of them, the dark Gypsy Carmen, sings a lovely
habanera, reminding us that love occurs between all genders, races
and body types. Before returning to the factory, Carmen throws a
rose to the Basque soldier, Don Jose. A fight breaks out between
two of the young persons in the factory, and while trying to
instruct them on the futility of violence, Carmen is arrested. Don
Jose is ordered to guard her, but she convinces him to allow her
to escape, explaining that they are all victims of patriarchal
oppression.

The second act opens in the smoke-free environment of a vegetarian
restaurant. Carmen and ethnically-diverse friends are enjoying
whole-meal buns when they are interrupted by the wicked Escamillo,
a rich and famous bullfighter. Escamillo sings an aria in praise
of wine, cigars, thick steaks and women. This disgusts the young
people, although Carmen is strangely attracted to the bullfighter.
Don Jose arrives and, alone at last, he and Carmen vow to live
together. They will respect the importance of protected sex and
acknowledge each other's unique cultural identity. Don Jose will
do the ironing.

The third act opens in a wild place in the mountains. Carmen, Don
Jose and other members of the Animal Liberation Collective are
plotting to end the exploitation of bulls. Don Jose is enraged
when Carmen nobly volunteers to seduce Escamillo, so exhausting
him that he will be unable effectively to fight in the bullring.
Carmen patiently explains that the lives of many bulls, and the
contentedness of cows, is at stake. Escamillo enters and begins a
duel with Don Jose, but the Collective intervenes, insisting that
the two men find viable nonviolent means to settle their dispute.
The jealous Don Jose must seek anger-management counselling.

The final scene returns to Seville. Escamillo's colourful
procession enters the bullring. A dishevelled Don Jose confronts
Carmen. He is suffering from low self-esteem. Counselling has only
made his anger worse, recovering repressed childhood memories of
satanic rituals, where he was forced to drink blood, eat babies,
and smoke cheap, unfiltered cigarettes. Acknowledging his trauma,
Carmen insists he begin the healing process by getting a bath and
a shave. The two lovers embrace and detail plans to offer
workshops in cultural identity and empowerment. The bull wins.


Copyright Denis Dutton.
Dr. Dutton teaches the philosophy of art at the
University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand 

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 18:20:07 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Cat and The Lemon (Pun)

The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was
studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from
the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him
measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of
the olives.

Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the
kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first.
She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her,
certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face
screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind.

"Aha, " said the mixologist," so you have learned... a rind is a
terrible thing to taste."

          --by Gilbert Krebs

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 22:29:01 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Adroit comments & questions about contemporary life

If you've ever driven a Yugo, you know the real reason we're
bombing Kosovo.

My wife asked me if I put the cat out. I said I didn't know it was
on fire.

With my history of attracting the wrong kind of men I am surprised
that Eric Robert Rudolph hasn't found me by now.

Hey, telemarketers, you can call until I die, but you will never be
able to finish your sales pitch.

To the telemarketer: You'll die before I buy.

Is it wrong to tell your kids that Dick Clark will never die?

I work in the driver's license office, and our training is "The Day
the Earth Stood Still."

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Does someone has a Menglish dictionary? I need to figure out how to
say "I'm not interested" in words a man will understand. Plain
English hasn't worked.

Dodge and Ram shouldn't be on the same vehicle.

Has anyone suggested that Bill Clinton put cucumber slices under
his eyes every evening? The man's peepers need help.

Wow! That stealth figher cost us as much as Ken Starr's
investigation.

If Y2K is going to be such a big problem, why don't we just skip
that year? Women do it all the time.

I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was
conceived under the "No Parking" sign.

I would feel better about Kosovo if Clinton would personal lead the
ground attack.

A begger walked up to a well-dressed woman on Rodeo Drive and said
"I haven't eaten antying for four days" and she replied, "I wish I
had your willpower."


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 20:19:14 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Taking Out the Trash

My wife, a fastidious housekeeper, is in the habit of taking out
the trash after dinner.

Late one night, as our guests were leaving, my wife absent-mindedly
performed her nightly ritual.

"We'll come with you," she announced. "We always walk the trash out
at the end of the evening."

          --Steven Long

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:30:53 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Art Of Deduction <clean>

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in
the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once
and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a
sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but
didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf
course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to
invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't
like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me
introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 23:42:03 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Med School Pun

In medical school, a friend of mine was required to rotate through
psychiatry and put in service at one of the local mental
institutions.  One of the most interesting cases he saw involved
a schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet
opera.  At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the
German Luftwaffe in World War II.

The consensus of my friend's instructors was that... the fellow
didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring.


http://www.Newbie.NET/

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1999 to 13 Apr 1999
************************************************

