HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1999 to 12 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 458 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Pun Test <some adult humor>
  2. Microsoft and computer power (techie joke)
  3. Things A Man Should Know By 40
  4. Condomania - The First Time
  5. Bumper stickers
  6. Goin' Fishing
  7. Variations on a Theme (Puns)
  8. I *Love* Walmart
  9. Sam & Bessie
 10. At The Court Of King Solomon <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 04:26:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Pun Test <some adult humor>

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

      Date:    Sun, 23 Apr 1995 00:40:59 -0400
      From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
      Subject: The Shaggy Pun Test <contains adult humor>

It happens to all of us. You are sitting with a group of friends
and all of a sudden you  are overwhelmed by the urge to tell a
long somewhat improbable story that ends with a pun. Loud groans
are made & you are pelted with pillows, cushions, paper, garbage
and anything else that comes to hand. Why does this happen, and
why do certain people seem to be more likely to be stricken with
this dread disease.

Dubbed SPS (Shaggy Pun Syndrome) by prominent psychologists, this
illness has baffled scientists. What causes it; love of groaning
sounds, subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the
room, or some deeper cause such as becoming fixated at the silly
phase.

Whatever the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and
if unchecked in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from
beatings), major injury (from worse beatings), & even death (from
still worse beatings).

Don't despair, treatment is becoming available, ranging from oral
counciling, to gags, to tongue removal. As an early warning device
the SPT (Shaggy Pun Test) has been developed, based on the idea
that retention of puns can lead to SPS the SPT is a collection of
"punch lines" from said stories, recognition of over a critical
number can indicate serious potential for SPS. If caught early
enough it is hoped that the puns maybe removed by surgical means.

To take the SPT merely make an x beside each punch line that you
either remember the story that goes with it, or that you can
easily build a story to fit.  Remember a score of 100% is not
necessarily desirable.


__ 1. The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
      the other two squires
__ 2. two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Cheese picking
      bunions on a Sesame Street bus!
__ 3. Moral: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow
      fingers
__ 4. Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow
             thrones
__ 5. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken
__ 6. Moral: If the foo shits, wear it
__ 7. Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis
__ 8. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this
__ 9. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts
      boasting in an open foyer
__10. I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco
__11. Moral: A niche in time saves Stein
__12. Sow Rope, Natey-O!
__13. Well, there's something about an aqua volvo, man...
__14. Moral: A washed pot never oils.
__15. Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises
      [alt: Carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal
       porpoises]
__16. It's a long way to tip a Raree
__17. Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear
__18. For making an obscene clone fall
__19. Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!
__20. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
__21.  ...They had left no tern unstoned
__22.  ...abscess make the fart go HONDA!
__23. Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!
__24. These are the 'times' that dry men's soles
      [alt: These are the soles that time men's tries]
__25. and he thus became the first chicken to catch a tory
__26. The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper
      wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers"
__27. Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son
__28. Dee, who flaps last, flaps left
__29. That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us
__30. The first time a reign was called on account of the game
__31. Opporknockity tunes but once
      [Alt: O'Pernokkety tunes but once]
__32. Came the reply, "That was no laser -- that was my knife!"
__33. Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

                --by Dan Judd

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 03:34:14 -0500
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: Microsoft and computer power (techie joke)

It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon.
It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here.


Source: Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 09:24:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Things A Man Should Know By 40

- The difference between love and lust.
- How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
- When to hold on and when to let go.
- Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
- Advanced foreplay.
- Trouble when he sees it.
- True love when he feels it.
- A load of bull when he hears it.
- The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
- How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
- The art of seduction.
- That his wife (lover, girlfriend) is not his mother.
- A woman's erogenous zones.
- How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic
  relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
- Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
- How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.
- His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
- Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
- How to give a toast and take a compliment.
- When to talk and when to listen.
- His way around a kitchen.
- The futility of unrequited love.
- The ecstasy of unconditional love.
- How to open a bottle of champagne.
- How to close a deal.
- The magic of a woman.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 09:41:57 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Condomania - The First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go
out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  The pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there
is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 6-pack, or family pack or 12.  The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.  That night, the boy shows
up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.

"I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.  Ten more minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."


http://www.Newbie.NET/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 10:58:09 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bumper stickers

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean?

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And "Ticks,"
As In "Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

He Who Dies With The Most Toys... Still Dies

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 09:43:19 -0700
From:    Richard Nehrbass <rm@NEHRBASS.RENO.NV.US>
Subject: Goin' Fishing

You probably won't believe this but one day my father-in-law Joe
and I were out fishing, well casting would be a more accurate.
Well when Joe and I fish we also like to take along something to
keep warm, usually 80 proof.

That particular day the fish were not biting and we got a bit
caught up in keeping warm. After a while I started clowning around
and for a joke I put a minnow on my hook and then dipped it into my
cup of "Ol' Loudmouth" and cast it into the lake.

Believe it or not I got an immediate strike and after a major fight
landed a 12 pound bass. And that minnow had him right by the
throat!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 11:31:18 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Variations on a Theme (Puns)

I'm sure everyone knows the story of the frayed knot. However, did
you hear about:

A barge was floating along at sea. Ahead of it was a cruise ship.
The cruise ship asked the barge, "Hey, are you the Love Boat?" to
which the barge replied... "No, I'm a freight yacht."

Three pecans went into a bar that only served to peanuts. As the
first pecan approached the bar, the bartender said, "What are you,
a pecan? We don't serve pecans here, only peanuts." So the pecan
left. The second pecan tried the same thing and was also turned
away. The third pecan got an idea. He went outside and threw
himself on a barbecue and rolled around in the coals. He returned
to the bar and approached the bartender who asked, "Hey, aren't you
one of those pecans?" To which he replied... "No, I'm a fried nut.

A lady's pen exploded and a large splat of black ink got on her
blouse. After many bleachings and washings, the stain had faded
but showed no signs of coming out altogether. She exclaimed one
day, "You are a pain!" To which the stain replied... "No, I'm a
grey blot."

There was once a magical kingdom where the princess of the castle
was turned into a small amphibian by an evil witch. She was held
prisoner by the witch for many years, until one day a handsome
prince rescued her from the witch's cottage in the woods. The
prince asked, Excuse me ma'am, but are you the princess that was
turned into a salamander and that I have now released?" "Yes,"
she replied... "now I'm a freed newt."

An overloaded logic inverter suddenly went up in a puff of smoke.
"Are you O.K.?" asked someone... "No, I'm a fried NOT!"

A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect
landed on his arm. The tiny insect sported a goatee and a little
bitty pipe which blew itty bitty smoke rings. It began to tell
the neighboring insects as to the analysys of dreams. "Heavens!"
exclaimed the explorer, "are you a new species?" To which the
creature replied... "No, I'm a Freud gnat."

A ignorant fool posted some anti-homosexual blathering over all the
newsgroups on USENET. For months, the verbal flames soared and the
poor homophobe had to unsubscribe to most of them. One day FIDONET
happened by and looked at the weary USENET. "You look pretty bad.
Are you O.K?"  The weary network replied... "No, I'm a fried net."

The president of the Flintstone's Fan Club walked into a bar. The
bartender, recognizing the man but not quite remembering from
where, asked, "Say, aren't you the guy that's so crazy about
watching the Jetsons?" "No," he replied... "I'm a Fred nut."

There once was a leprechaun fascinated by insects, which he caged
and kept as pets. There were hunderds of the cages througout his
home, each containing a single insect. As it happened one day, he
had forgotten to close the window while cleaning the cage of one of
the smaller insects, and it escaped. The little bug was enjoying
its new found capability of unhindered flight when it chanced upon
a gnome who recognized it as his friend's pet. "Are you on your way
home, little one?" the gnome asked... "No," was the reply. "I'm a
freed gnat."

          --by Gilbert Krebs

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 15:19:42 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: I *LOVE* WALMART

My ex~husband and I fought constantly
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
...My hubby has got to go!!!!!!!!!!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal~Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Y'all come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!

They'll take anything back at Wal~Mart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt! 

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 11 Apr 1999 14:49:34 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Sam & Bessie

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive
pair of alligator shoes.  Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases
them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything
different about me?"

"What's different?  It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the
same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out
completely naked, just wearing the new shoes.

Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam?  It's hanging down today; it was hanging
down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?  "Cause it's
looking at my new shoes!!!!!"

Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 1999 09:22:43 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: At The Court Of King Solomon <clean>

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a
young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they
haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the
young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood.  Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry
the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's
court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1999 to 12 Apr 1999
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