HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1999 to 11 Apr 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 380 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Murphy's Laws
  2. Going Postal [risque, adult language]
  3. Orgasms <not offensive>
  4. Ted's Latin Lesson
  5. Strange Family Tree
  6. A "Bang, Bang" Brouhaha In Massachusetts
     (WARNING: political content)
  7. PUNY Riddles and a Limerick

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:37:06 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Murphy's Laws

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
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          Date:    Wed, 12 Apr 1995 18:30:03 -0400
          From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
          Subject: More Murphy's laws

Aigner's Axiom:
No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek
to modify the results.

Akvol's Second Law of the Corporation:
Any action for which there is no logical explanation will be
deemed "company policy"

Amand's Law of Management:
Everyone you need is always someplace else.

Army Axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Beach's Law:
No two identical parts are alike.

Berra's First Law:
You can observe a lot by just watching.

Brien's First Law:
At some time in the life of any organization, its ability to
succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Bron's Rule of Leadership:
The way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd going somewhere
and get in front of it.

Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Cripps' Law of Travel:
One child, of any given number of children, will want to go to
the bathroom exactly half way between rest areas.

Day's minimalist theory of Politics:
No politician ever lost an election over a speech that wasn't made.

Diner's Dilemma:
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Dooley's Law:
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:00:17 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Going Postal [risque, adult language]

It was George-the-mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and
led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with
the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.  When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom
edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a
dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."


http://www.Newbie.NET/

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 07:43:54 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Orgasms <not offensive>

Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may
encounter...

Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac -- more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, & graham crackers --
                    s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.
Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 08:31:23 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Ted's Latin Lesson

               A True Story

Ted Turner's secretary called a university Latin professor one day,
saying she needed help translating something into Latin and asking
if the prof could assist.  "Boy, **COULD** I !!" thought the
professor, imagining the lad's contributing a million or so to fund
a professorial chair or something equally glamorous.

"What is it you need?" politely replied the professor.

"Well," she said, "Ted's giving a speech, and we need the Latin for
'TED IS RIGHT.'"

"I think I can help with that," said the professor coyly (and
thinking now of maybe TWO million!!).  "'TED' -- that's easy -- it
comes from Greek via the Latin THEODORUS, meaning 'gift of God',
and 'IS' is simply 'EST.'"

It was with 'right' that the professor thought it appropriate to
hem and haw long enough to earn three million: "Now just what do
you mean by 'right'? -- politically, morally, ethically, or legally
right?"

She thought for a moment and decided "ethically or morally right."

"No problem," says the professor, sure to already have the four
million in the bag, "that would give us: 'THEODORUS EST RECTUS.'"

This very clever secretary, who certainly earned her salary that
day, came back in a split second with the very emphatic reply, "NO,
that won't work -- with the type of 'friends' Ted has, they'll all
think that means 'TED IS AN ASSHOLE'!!!"

"Actually, THAT would be 'THEODORUS EST RECTUM,'" said the
professor, but conceding her point, they decided at last on
"THEODORUS EST IUSTUS"

(IUSTUS as in "just").

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 09:16:23 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Strange Family Tree

    Many, many years ago
    when I was twenty three,
    I got married to a widow
    who was pretty as could be,

    This widow had a daughter
    Who had hair of red.
    My father fell in love with her,
    And soon the two were wed.

    This made my dad my son-in-law
    And changed my very life.
    My daughter was my mother,
    For she was my father's wife.

    To complicate the matters worse,
    Although it brought me joy,
    I soon became the father
    Of a bouncing baby boy.

    My little baby then became
    A brother-in-law to dad.
    And so became my uncle,
    Though it made me very sad.

    For if he was my uncle,
    Then that also made him brother
    To the widow's grown-up daughter
    Who, of course was my stepmother.

    Father's wife then had a son,
    Who kept them on the run.
    And he became my grandson,
    For he was my daughter's son.

    My wife is now my mother's mom.
    And it surely makes me blue.
    Because, although she is my wife,
    She is my grandma too.

    If my wife is my grandmother,
    Then I am her grandchild.
    And every time I think of it,
    It simply drives me wild.

    For now I have become
    The strangest case you ever saw.
    As the husband of my grandmother,
    I am my own grandpa!!!

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 12:28:01 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A "Bang, Bang" Brouhaha In Massachusetts
         (WARNING: political content)

First off, you gotta understand a bit about Massachusetts.  It's
full of LIBERALS -- I mean, they voted AGAINST Ron Reagan and FOR
Dukakis and McGovern. That pretty much says it all.

So, enough of these Radical-Liberals have gotten together to pass a
law which says that you can't use pictures of people as targets.
Now, this doesn't apply to in-home shooting -- and I imagine the
laws authors appear on many a wall in shooters homes right now --
but only to large commercial shooting ranges.

Well, some local shooters have contested this repressive law
because they wanna use pictures of Adolph Hitler (by the way, did
you know Hitler was for gun control?) for targets so that shooting
will have an even more beneficial effect on their children.

It's hard to say which way this one will turn out. I have, however,
a suggestion for those oppressed local gun groups in Massachusetts
(NOTE: the wire story did not say that these were NRA groups, and I
wanna make that clear).

Hey, guys, scrap the Adolph pix and go with photos of the black,
New World Order, helicopters?  Afterall, as Amendment II clearly
says, "A well regulated militia..."

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Date:    Sat, 10 Apr 1999 11:40:19 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles and a Limerick

151. Miss Haste, who had the same first name as a famous fictional
librarian, sinned and was given a looooooong list of prayers and
penances to atone for her sins.  She took her time working her way
through them.  What did she do?

152. What would you do if a store sold you rancid animal fat?

153. A military leader was about to launch a viciously brutal
attack upon a factory where crystal chandeliers were manufactured.
What were his orders to the troops just before he sent them in with
guns blazing?

154, What would you call Ted Kazynski if he was castrated, released
from prison and assigned to work in a mortuary?

155. What Disney movie was an account of a certain ecdysiast's
style of performance?

Movie of the Week:
6. Sly Stalone will go one more round in yet another sequel. Rocky
quits boxing and takes a coaching position for a slow-pitch
softball team comprised of prostitutes who are trying to form a
league of their own. It's called

Book of the Week:
4. Ernest Hemingways classic tale of a Madam in Atlanta during the
Civil War.


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                         (Answers)


151.  Marion Haste Repent In Leisure (By Cynthia MacGregor)

152.  Sue It (By SRpunster)

153. Take no prismers (By Gary Hallock)

154. The Eunuch-Embalmer (By Stan Kegel)

155. Fan Tease Ya (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Movie of the Week:
6. Rocky's Whore Pitches Slow. (By Gary Hallock)

Book of the Week:
4. For Whom the Belles Toll  (By Stan Kegel)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1999 to 11 Apr 1999
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