HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1999 to 10 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The 1st Committee
  2. The Newlyweds
  3. Quotes on the President
  4. Euphemisms For Spanking The Monkey (adult)
  5. Limericks <adult>
  6. More Bill Gates humor
  7. Old Age!
  8. German Motoring Phrases
  9. Its a Wacky World! #62
 10. Religion? (Pun)

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Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 03:32:29 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The 1st Committee

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Thu, 6 Apr 1995 14:39:47 EST
        From:    Public Relations <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
        Subject: Religious Humor

If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read
something like this:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The
earth was without form & void. God created a small committee.
He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender,
ethnic origin, & economic status to interface pluralism with
the holistic concept of self-determination according to
adjudicatory guidelines.

       Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."
And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize
and God called that process empowerment.  And God thought it
sounded pretty good.

       And evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives
& engage in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about
the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted
almost all of the third day.  Although the question was never
satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.

       And evening and morning were the third day.

And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can
envision functional organization and engage in planning by
objectives."  The committee considered adjustment of priorities
and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw
that this was good.  And God thought that it was even worth all
of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.

       And so ended the fourth day.

And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range
planning and strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and
linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and
implemental models.  And God saw that this was very democratic.

       And so would have ended the fifth day, except for
       the unintentional renewal of the debate about the
       differences between goals and objectives.

On the 6th day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory
assessment and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had
planned.  He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to
take the afternoon off to create day & night and heaven & earth
and seas & plants and stars & trees and seasons & years and sun
& moon and birds & fish and animals & human beings.

On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations.  It turned out the recommended forms for things
were nearly identical to the way that God had created them... so
the committee passed a majority vote resolution commending God
for his implementation according to the guidelines.  There was,
however, some opinion expressed that people should have been
created in the committee's image.

      And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 02:55:33 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: The Newlyweds

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do... time and time again... all
night long.  Morning came and the groom went into the bathroom but
when he emerged from his shower, he could find no towel. He asked
his bride to please bring one from the bedroom.  As she got to the
bathroom door, he opened it, exposing his body to her in the light
for the first time.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped.
Staring, she asked shyly, "What's that?"  She pointed to a small
part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 06:21:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Quotes on the President

The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's
usually three different stories.  --Sam Donaldson

If the president could convince every woman in America that the
Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich

What's wrong with extending my probe?  The president did the same
thing.  --Kenneth Starr

The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the
entire Grand Jury.   --Monica Lewinsky

Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV
sportscaster?  --Marv Albert

The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying
to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who
swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of
my own work done.  --Vernon Jordan

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure
the door is locked.  --George Stephanopoulos

The FBI reports less crime in the U.S. for the sixth straight year.
"It's no wonder," said one observer. "All of Clinton's business
associates are either dead or in prison already."

One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!

Is it true that they are changing the name of the Virgin Islands
since Clinton's has been there?

They should call the Clinton's White House the "New Left."
I mean, they're so far from being right about anything...


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 07:18:54 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Euphemisms For Spanking The Monkey (adult)

 - Applying the hand brake
 - Auditioning the finger puppets
 - Bashing the Bishop
 - Beating off
 - Beating your meat
 - Beef stroke-it-off
 - Bludgeoning the beefsteak
 - Bopping your bologna
 - Boxing the clown
 - Burping the baby
 - Buttering the corn cob
 - Charming the snake
 - Choking Kojak
 - Choking the chicken
 - Churning butter
 - Cleaning your gun
 - Clearing the snorkel
 - Clobbering the Kleenex
 - Coming to grips with yourself
 - Cuddling the Kielbasa
 - Driving the skin bus
 - Dundering the devil-dolphin
 - Firing the flesh musket
 - Flicking the Bic
 - Flogging the log
 - Freeing Willy
 - Frosting the pastries
 - Giving Jean Luc Picard the Vulcan Grip
 - Gripping the pencil
 - Hacking the hog
 - Having sex with someone you love
 - Jacking off
 - Jerkin' the gherkin
 - Jerking off
 - Lubing the tube
 - Making instant pudding
 - Making the bald man puke
 - Mangling the midget
 - Milking the weasel
 - Nerking your throbber
 - One gun salute
 - Packing your palm
 - Playing a little five-on-one
 - Playing pocket pool
 - Playing the skin flute
 - Polishing the helmet
 - Pounding the pud
 - Priming the pump
 - Pulling off
 - Pulling the goalie
 - Pumping the python
 - Punchin' the munchkin
 - Scratchin' the itch
 - Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
 - Shellacking the shillelagh
 - Shooting your wad
 - Slamming the salami
 - Smacking the oompa loompa
 - Solo sex
 - Spanking
 - Spanking the monkey
 - Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
 - Stroking off
 - Tenderizing the meat
 - Tossing off
 - Tugging
 - Whacking off
 - Wanking
 - Yanking the crank

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Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 08:21:41 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Limericks <adult>

There once was a man from Peru
Who sailed the ocean in a canoe,
     While dreaming of Venus,
     He tickled his penis,
And woke up with a hand fulla goo!
      +++++++++++++

There was a young lady named Erin,
Who asked, "Why are all the men starin'?"
     Her mother said, "Honey,
     It's 'cause you look funny,
And there's a distinct lack of clothes that you're wearin'!"
      +++++++++++++

That naughty old bishop of Birmingham,
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em,
    as they knelt before god,
    he pulled out his rod,
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
      +++++++++++++

There once was a girl named Jill,
Who used dynamite for a thrill,
     They found her vagina
     In South Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
      +++++++++++++

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
     Said the girl, "Shut your face!
     You're in the wrong place!
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
      +++++++++++++

There was a young lady from Exeter,
So lovely, men craned their necks at her,
     Some were so brave,
    As to take out and wave,
The distinguishing marks of their sex at her.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 10:51:58 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: More Bill Gates humor

As the typical story goes, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson and Bill
Gates all happened to die at the same moment so all arrived at the
pearly gates (tm) at the same time.  St. Peter, sitting on his
throne by the gates, naturally, was taking names and checking
books, but his power notebook was down at the time so he quizzed
them verbally.

SP: (to Clinton).  Why should we let you into Heaven?

BC:  Well, I have done more to help the poor in my country than any
other President; I have fought for equal rights and justice for
everyone all around the world; and I have asked forgiveness for my
sins.

SP:  OK, I guess that's good enough.  You can go in.  (to Jesse
Jackson): And how about you?

JJ:  All my life I have fought for the oppressed.  I have led my
people out of poverty and into acceptance.  I have formed the
Rainbow coalition and spread the Word of God from the pulpit.

SP:  Fine, go on in.  (He then turns and looks at Bill Gates):

BG:  I believe you are in my chair.
               ===================

What's the difference between Bill Gates and God?  Well, for one
thing, God rarely spends time pretending He is Bill Gates...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 12:01:26 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Old Age!

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was
driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer
said, "Ma'am,  did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with
a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.


(humorous intelligence test)
http://www.pressanykey.com/densa/densa1.html

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Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 12:30:08 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: German Motoring Phrases

The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars
will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of
German Motoring Phrases:

 1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators

 2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood ( Bonnet)

 3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust

 4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch

 5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture

 6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver

 7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car

 8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader =  Windshield wipers

 9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt

10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code

11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights

12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist

13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck

14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid

15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 13:30:39 +0100
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #62

              Floating Furniture And Musical Condom Invented

LONDON (Reuters) - Floating furniture, musical condoms and a
do-it-yourself halitosis kit were put in the top ranks of the
world's wackiest inventions Thursday.

The gas-filled furniture was designed to float up to the ceiling
when not in use, to give more space.

The musical condoms burst into song when the right pressure was
applied.

The bad breath detector was a simple tube attached from mouth to
nose.

The science magazine Focus, which listed the gadgets, had checked
through patent records to find which were the weirdest inventions
ever concocted.

Also among their quirkiest discoveries was the ``Tootsie Tube'' for
snug winter nights -- a pipe which caught a person's breath and
funneled it down the bed to keep the toes warm.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 22:57:27 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Religion?(Pun)

I was on a web site and saw an amusing pun. The moderator of a joke
list had posted reasons why God is better than beer. A christian
took him to task for his "sacrilege" and stated "I was
appauled...". I don't know it was intentional or not.

The moderator then responded, "...I caught your pun on the word
apPAULed. It was cute and that SAUL I have to say about it..."

     --by Clynch Varnadore

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1999 to 10 Apr 1999
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