HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1999 to 9 Apr 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 450 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women's Logic
  2. Just Wear Something
  3. Banking (mature)
  4. How Many.... <adult, off. to lawyers, women>
  5. Ya gotta love Canadian men
  6. Ben Franklin <adult; suggestive>
  7. Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
  8. Arizona Republicans Come Up With Consumer
     Protection Legislation
  9. Programmers' song <off. to bad programmers>
 10. Airborne Sneezes (adult)
 11. Young Knights (Pun)
 12. Wives <clean>

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 04:55:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women's Logic

* Seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time, the woman from West
  Virginia told the guide: "It's perfect.  Please don't let them
  change a thing."
                           - - - - -

*   This past Sunday, the US went on Daylight Savings Time,
  and like most people, Mrs JimJr lamented the loss of an hour.
    On Monday afternoon, she discovered she had failed to set
  the clock in her sewing room.  As she did so, she insisted
  that she had lost yet another hour.  Go figure !
                           - - - - -

* A woman, deeply religious, was ashamed that she'd fall asleep
  each nite saying her prayers.  She printed out her prayers
  in the fanciest font she had, framed it, and hung it over the
  bed.  Then each nite, as she slipped between the sheets, she'd
  point to it and say "Amen."
                           - - - - -

*   British aristocracy, noted for aplomb, was demonstrated
  during a recent Atlantic crossing.  The Jumbo Jet hit an air
  pocket which caused Lady Astor to spill her tea in her lap.
    She summoned the stewardess and said, "Please go give the
  Captain my compliments, and tell him he's not to let that
  happen again."
                           - - - - -

*   Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told
  the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting
  financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."
    His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as
  a bell to the very end."
    "And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."
    At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the
  poor man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 06:18:06 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Just Wear Something

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you
in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever
been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've
worn that silly hat to bed."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 07:06:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Banking (mature)

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a *&!#%=A4 checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?

"Listen up, *&!#%=A4. I said I want to open a *&!#%=A4 checking
account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the
teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return
to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,"Sir, what seems
to be the problem here?"

"There is no *&!#%=A4 problem," the man says. "I just won 50
million bucks in the *&!#%=A4 lottery and I want to open a *&!#%=A4
chequing account in this *&!#%=A4 bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 07:50:08 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: How Many.... <adult, off. to lawyers, women>

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
   Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
         --------------------------------

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
         --------------------------------

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
         --------------------------------

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis,
   I mean ladder.
         --------------------------------

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position
as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties,
i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.

3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
"Partnership."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 08:09:45 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko.w@HOME.COM>
Subject: Ya gotta love Canadian men

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our
largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true
disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der
power to 'elp you" replied the Prime Minster.    (Yes, he does
speak like that)

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send
1,000,000 Condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in colour; at least 10"
long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem" replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Cretien
hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and
send dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done." said the President of Trojan

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour;
at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, MEDIUM'
on each one."

          --thanks to Gary and Mary Alger

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 10:57:17 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Ben Franklin <adult; suggestive>

Ben Franklin was having trouble with his kite, and MrsBen came out
to offer some advice.  "You need more tail."

"That's what I said this morning, and you told me to go fly a
kite."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 13:30:51 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That
                  Would be Stupid!"

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't
                                Got That Swing!"

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty
                   years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

Trojans: "Just add meat."

Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and
                              kill yourself instead?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 15:15:10 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Arizona Republicans Come Up With Consumer Protection
         Legislation

According to today's The Chronicle of Higher Education, there's a
brouhaha brewing in Arizona.  State Senator David R. Peterson (R)
recently introduced a bill in the State Legislature which would
require teachers at all state colleges to provide detailed syllabi
to students and prohibit them from requiring their students to buy
"obscene materials."

This all stems from the sorry plight of one consumer, um, er,
"student" who signed up for a course called "Women and Literature"
and was shocked to find out that it included "readings by lesbian
authors, some of which discussed female sexuality in explicit
terms", according to Sen. Peterson. The Senator added that the
young woman had been forced to buy books at a bookstore
specializing in gay-oriented literature.  She dropped the course
too late to get her tuition money back.

I, for one, think this is an outrageous situation!  What in blazes
is wrong with a professor who sends students to "specialized"
bookstores when they can be much better ripped off by their own on-
campus bookstores.  On the other hand, I'm delighted to see that
the Republican Party is developing a concern for consumer protection!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 15:17:57 -0700
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Programmers' song <off. to bad programmers>

PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG:

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
    (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 18:20:08 -0500
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: Airborne Sneezes (adult)

A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.  The
woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is
hallucinating.

A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes again.  He pulls out his penis
and wipes the tip off.  The woman is about to go nuts.  She can't
believe that such a rude person exists.  A few more minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again.  He takes his penis out and wipes the
tip off.

The woman has finally had enough.  She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your
penis from your pants to wipe it off!  What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.  I have
a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 19:28:49 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Young Knights (Pun)


The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of
the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King
Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once
again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not
avail us at this critical time. We shall never be able to turn back
the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely
depleted, and I have little hope."

"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment
and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby
peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I
shall give you your Knights!"

"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years
to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in
battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.

"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of
creating Knights on the instant."

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were
summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger
servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched
almost as far as the eye could see.

One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion
where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not
knowing what to expect.

As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with
the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment
and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as
each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a
change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with
confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was
truly a powerful Knight!

They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and
galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became
Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful
and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of...
the Printed Sir Kit.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:24:31 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Wives <clean>

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife
was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the
table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the
cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie,
his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a
spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," she replied.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1999 to 9 Apr 1999
**********************************************

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