HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1999 to 8 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 402 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Jewish Viagra
  2. Men's Relationship w/Women
  3. Misunderstood Treats
  4. The Taxi Ride (adult)
  5. Gramesis
  6. Beer <off. to females>
  7. Missouri Remains the "Show Me" State (political, may offend)
  8. The skilled gynecologist -shouldn't be offensive-
  9. More Couples
 10. The Matchmaker (Pun)

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Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 01:47:52 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Jewish Viagra

Viagara was declared non-kosher but is permitted by the Rabbis.
Yes, it has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter,
rendering it -- one would think -- treif.

But Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an american Kashrut expert says
that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to
mention the rest of the week) it is permissible. But, it is
banned during Pesach, along with all other raising agents.

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Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 03:29:26 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men's Relationship w/Women

        The Various Stages of Men's Relationship with Women

 1. Goo-goo... ma-ma

 2. Whaaa... I want my ma-ma

 3. Hey Mom... watch this

 4. Mom... I DID wash my hands

 5. But... I don't like carrots GrandMa

 6. Get outta here Jody... we don't play with girls

 7. But Ma... all the other boys are doing it

 8. Yes teacher... I'll behave

 9. Go away Jody... only boys play football

10. Hey Mike... have you noticed how cute Jody is

11. Jody... would you like to go to the movies

12. No Mother... I was not out after Midnite

13. But Jody... how else will I know you really love me

14. Jody !!!  You're what ???

15. Mom... Jody and I are getting married

16. Hi Candy... how's Daddy's lil' girl

17. Alright Jody... go home to your Mother, see if I care

18. Candy... young ladies do not dress like that

19. No, Miss Kim... I assure you, I wasn't staring at your breasts

20. Well... I've wanted a convertible for some time Mother

21. Kim... my wife doesn't understand me

22. Well... we can go out in public after the divorce is final Kim

23  Yes Candy... I realize she's considerably younger than I

24. Well... it looked like you were flirting to me Kim

25. Candy... why can't you get along with your Step-Mother

26. No Kim... I was not crying, weddings are a happy event

27. Candy... she looks just like you as a baby

28. Kim -- Candy... did you hear that ???  She said, "Pop-Pop"

29. Hi Patti... how's Pop-Pop's lil' Angel

30. Nurse Kay... I wish my wife were as considerate as you

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 06:30:10 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Misunderstood Treats

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem?  Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to
tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"



http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 07:02:40 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Taxi Ride (adult)

A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun
notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rear view
mirror. She says, "What is it my son?"

The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."

She says, "Please, feel free to say anything. I've been a nun for
many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."

The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this overwhelming fantasy
to get a blowjob from a nun. Oh, I'm so ashamed!"

The nun says, "That's okay, I understand the need of the flesh. I
will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two,
that you are not married."

The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!"

So they drive around to the corner to a spot where the nun takes
care of the cabbie. As they continue on their way, the nun notices
the cabbie is crying.

She says, "What's wrong, my son?"

He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm Jewish and I'm married!"

She says, "That's okay. My name's Bob and I'm on my way to a
costume party!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 08:14:53 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Gramesis

 1. In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
 2. And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was
     upon the face of the deep--my teacher.
 3. And she said, "Let there be grammar;" and there was grammar.
 4. And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was
     good; and she divided the bright students from those who
     remained in darkness.
 5. And Teacher gave the bright students A's and kept the others
     after school. And the homework and the bell were the first
     day.
 6. And Teacher said, "Let there be a sentence in the midst of the
     words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
 7. And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board;
     I looked and saw that it was so.
 8. And the Teacher called the sentence declarative.  And the
     capital and the period were the second day.
 9. And Teacher said, "Let the noun words in the sentence be
     gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words
     appear;" and it was so.
10. And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering
     together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw
     that it was good.
11. And Teacher said, "Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the
     transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs
     yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in
     itself, within the predicate;" and it was so.
12. And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs
     yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs
     yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their
     own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
13. And the active and the passive were the third day.
14. And Teacher said, "Let there be modifiers in the firmament of
     the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the
     classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns,
     mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns."
15. And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to
     enhance the predicate;" and it was so --- confusing.
16. And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective-
     to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the
     verb; she made the conjunction also.
17. And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it
     difficult to diagram.
18. And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students
     from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her
     system was good.
19. And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
20. And Teacher said, "Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the
     many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles;
     the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and
     the phrasal verbs."
21. And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth,
     and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and
     Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
22. And Teacher blessed them saying, "Be fruitful and multiply in
     complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let
     the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds."
23. And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
24. And Teacher said, "Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living
     sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions,
     and English themes for the students to write;" and it was very
     so.
25. And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English
     student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she
     gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
26. And Teacher said, "Let us make one project in our image, after
     our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other
     projects, and over every subject of the college student."
27. So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the
     image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created
     she it.
28. And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research
     paper, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of
     dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students;
     and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other
     subjects, and over every single grade that the students
     receive.
29. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air,
     and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein
     there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good
     English;" and it was so.
30. And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was
     very good.

          --via Scream of the Crop

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 11:07:04 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Beer <off. to females>

          Beer Contains Female Hormones:

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men
12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't
drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 12:11:16 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Missouri Remains the "Show Me" State (political, may
offend)

National Public Radio reports that voters in the State of Missouri
have defeated an amendment to their State Constitution allowing
individuals to carry concealed handguns, by a vote of 52% to 48%.
Early reports indicate that the National Rifle Association is up in
arms and bad guys are streaming into Missouri like Albanians are
streaming outta Kosovo.

It's a big question these days: should "good folks" (Ie. White,
Lower-Middle Class Males) be allowed to carry concealed handguns
to protect themselves from everybody else?

As a "card framing" member of the NRA {they sent me a card, I put
it into a frame and have it on display} I've given this issue a lot
of thought.  I think that the NRA is really onto something here.
But, with there somewhat less than facile (some would say half-
facile) minds, they're a little bit off.

Those who are in danger ought to have guns, it's just that the NRA
types really aren't the ones in danger.  Besides, they are quite
able to make their points with their pickup trucks (for dragging
"Darkies"), cigarette lighters (for torching queers) and axe-
handles (multi-purpose).

Naw, the ones who need guns are the African-Americans, the Gays
and Women (at least 25% of whom have been raped).  In fact, the
government ought to issue them guns!

I think, when the NRAers have had a chance to think this over,
they'll come around.  Charleton Heston will probably have it
written down on stone tablets.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 20:57:46 -0400
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The skilled gynecologist -shouldn't be offensive-

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently,
learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully
for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had
obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the
instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the
engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark.  I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it
THROUGH the muffler..."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Apr 1999 09:29:55 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: More Couples

Q. "What do u use for washing dishes?"
A. "Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

Q. Why do they call our language the mother tongue?
A. Because the father seldom  gets to speak!
          - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fact: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
     -I don't like to interrupt her.
          - - - - - - - - - - - -

* One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about
  leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

  "If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

  "Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband
   countered.

  "Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key
   in the glove box!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 7 Apr 1999 21:25:02 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Matchmaker (Pun)

The village matchmaker was a renowned yenta, a busybody, as any
good matchmaker should be, and was continuously poking her nose in
places it didn't belong. And, she really had the schnozzle for it.
Her proboscis would have rivaled Cyrano's in length and Poirot's
for inquisitiveness

One day while at the town's open bazaar, she was shopping for a new
laying hen. Her own had been the recent victim of a wandering alley
cat, and she was hungering for the taste of fresh eggs.

One hen in particular caught her fancy. It was large, plump and was
already sitting on a clutch of eggs. The farmer, sensing a sale,
was loudly extolling the virtues of the bird as the shadkhan leaned
forward to get a closer look.

Unfortunately, the hen was somewhat nearsighted and seeing the
shadhkan's nose approaching her, mistook it for a worm and pecked
it with the sort of vigor one would expect from a large healthy
bird.

The vituperation that ensued was loud, raucous and unprofitable to
both sides. Needless to say, there was no sale, the farmer's sons
died bachelors and his daughters spinsters, and oh yes, to this
day, they still tell the tale.

For whose nose was evilly irked in the marts of hen? The shadkhan's
nose. 

          --from Gilbert Krebs

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1999 to 8 Apr 1999
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