HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1999 to 6 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 548 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two from the Archives
  2. Men Questions <mature>
  3. Jewish Grammar Rules
  4. Understanding A Woman's English
  5. Free at Last!
  6. Protection
  7. A creative solution - Y2K
  8. Stupid Criminal Story #12
  9. The Old Flame (Pun) (Adult: Drug Culture)
 10. Spin Doctor

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 03:28:02 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


        Date:    Fri, 23 Sep 1994 18:31:35 -0400
        From:    Jeff Fowler <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
        Subject: US Military Intelligence

                  Advances in Science
             Environmentally safe A-bombs

The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing
them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic)
missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board.  If they are
ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear
holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer.

        --Access to Energy, July 1993


Source: The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


        Date:    Tue, 27 Sep 1994 11:15:04 EDT
        From:    Matt Patterson <DrBubonic@AOL.COM>
        Subject: 1040 EZR Tax form for the stupid


Enter the amount you made in 1994 on line 1      1. ____________

Take your pen and count over two places to
the left from the little dot. (The decimal
place) Enter that amount on line 2 That's        2. ____________
your tax. Live with it.

Do you want to give the Government more money?
  (Circle one)  Y   N

If "Yes" then enter that amount here.            3. ____________


Add lines 2 and 3 together.                      4. ____________


Send the amount on line 4 to:   The Government
                                PO Box 1
                                Washington DC 00000

        --from the Quarterly Humor Zine, "Ooze"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 06:24:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Men Questions <mature>

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions

Why did God put men on Earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep it in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually meant for children, but it's the men who usually
end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay down on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock.

Why do men masturbate?
Because it's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at parties.

Why did God  create man before woman?
you need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell whether they're coming or going.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
I don't know, it hasn't happened yet!

Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbitt computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3-1/2" floppy.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain?
A widower.

What do you do if you look out into the backyard and find your
husband stumbling and staggering about?
Load another clip.

     --thanks to Phil Rumsey


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 07:46:16 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Jewish Grammar Rules

1. Phrase statements as questions.  Instead of telling Ida she
   looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"

2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another
   question.  When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should
   I feel?"

3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?"  This allows
   the other person to interject another question:  "Has she grown
   up, or what?";   "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or
   what?" (About now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset"
   should be expected.)

4. Begin questions with "What?"  Example:  "What, my kishka's not
   good enough for you?"

5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or
   indirect object):  "What, do you want to get killed going alone?
   Ira will go with" (drop "you").

6. Move subject to end of sentences:  "Is SHE getting heavy, that
   Esther?"

7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt:  "Is Esther still
   dating that Norman fellow?"

8. Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the
   listener should have done too:  "We got a lovely note from the
   Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder."  (Translation:  "What, *you*
   didn't eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?")

Vocabulary
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow,
Jews have 31 words for neurotic.

Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone
mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht
vus ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started:

1. "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval:
   "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the
   Lincoln?"

2. Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in
   speaking Hebonics like a real Jew.  Nothing makes us giggle
   harder than the sound of Gentiles saying, "It's not raining,
   just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to
   be quiet.

3. Schmuck -- Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as
   a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left
   with the check?"

4. Schmoe -- See schmuck.

5. Schmata -- Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that
   Esther?"

6. Schmaltz -- Literally means chicken fat, but when used in
   conversation it's sappy or corny.  "The movie was OK, but why
   such a schmaltzy ending?"

Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going
to wait around for an answer.  If you've got something to say,
speak up. Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed?
That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!"  (You will never use
this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)

Interrupt often.  It shows that you are interested in the
conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're
bored.

Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
between cars and drives recklessly.  Your Jewish passenger asks,
"Who gave that maniac a driver's license?"

Wrong answer:  "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic
decision to encourage automobile ownership over public
transportation to support the automotive industry which created
jobs and stimulated the economy.  Ever since, most anyone can get
a driver's license." Correct answer: "Morons."

Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics.
When shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may
seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise.  He may
shout, "What, I'm the schmuck who shouldn't feed his children?"
The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its
true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."

     --via Barb's Jokebook

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:21:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Understanding A Woman's English

When A Woman Says This, She Really Means That....

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture and
                      wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going
                           to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
                            game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and deal with it.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I AM yelling, I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot.

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 10:10:12 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Free at Last!

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world.  He first
approached the Italians.  "What commandments do you offer?" they
said.  He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."  They answered "Sorry,
we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians.  "What commandments do you
offer?" they said.  He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."  They
answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French.  "What commandments do you
offer?" they asked.  "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews.  "How much?" they asked. "It's
free," he answered.  "We'll take ten of them!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:20:28 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Protection

A health article was published today stating that adult
circumcision is not protection against HIV or other sexually
transmitted diseases.

I must disagree.  Ask any man: If you chop off a chunk he's not
going to want to put it *ANYWHERE* for awhile!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 13:20:51 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: A creative solution - Y2K

Salon: What are you doing to prepare for Y2K?

Scott Adams: I've heard that many people are hoarding cash and food
             just in case civilization collapses.  My strategy is
             to hoard guns and ammo so I can take the cash and food
             from the people who didn't do a good job thinking
             through the "collapse of society" concept.


source: Salon Magazine
http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/feature/1999/02/08feature.html

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 15:12:36 +0100
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #12

                  Thief Makes It Easy For Police.

HONG KONG (Reuters) - A thief robbed a taxi driver of his mobile
phone but was caught because he left his own phone behind, a
newspaper reported Friday.

The phone not only provided the home number of the robber, Kwok
Chi-hoi, it also made identification easy because it had a picture
of him and his girlfriend on it, the SouthChina Morning Post said.

Kwok, 22, who stole HK$3,300 (US$426) from the taxi driver as well
as the phone, pleaded guilty to robbery and was jailed Thursday for
four years and eight months, the paper said.

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 17:50:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Old Flame (Pun) (Adult: Drug Culture)

The after work crowd was still milling about and there wasn't an
empty seat in the bar. Towards the end of the bar sat Mike, who
was getting an angry talking to from a customer. "The eight ball
was light and I want some change, Mike."

"There are no refunds, all sales are final my friend."

"OK dude, it'll be a cold day in hell before you see me buying
anymore grass from you."
 
"Hey, winter is on the way; see ya tomorrow."

"Yeah, right. Oh I saw your old flame working the street again, she
looked skanky."

"You saw Belinda? Where?"

"She was up Shooter's Alley. I hear she sells herself for dimes."

"Like I care. Take it easy my man, I gotta make a call."

Mike checked the number displayed on his pager. He didn't recognize
it but called anyway. Someone picked up on the first ring, "Hello,
HELLO?"

"Yeah. You page me? Who is this?"

"Mike, it's me, Belinda." She sounded bad, not enough sleep and too
much party.

"Belinda, you're bad news walking. We got nothing to say to each
other and no business."

"Mike, I just need to talk to you, no strings and no business."

He still had feelings for her; most of them were bad. They'd been
lovers in school and grew a consumables provisioning business
together. That is until she got wrapped up in the product and he
had to cut her off.

"Where are you Belinda? I can meet you I an hour."

"Do you remember Party Central?"

Now that took him way back, the old gang used to hang out under an
overpass. Beneath it the arroyo was like a sandlot and it was
hidden yet out in the open. Plenty of good times were had there.
"Yeah." He almost asked why but just didn't want to get into it.
She was going to put the touch on him, he was sure.

"Be there in an hour?"

"I'll be there. And Belinda?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not bringing you anything."

"I'm not asking you to."

It was about a twenty minute hike to the old neighborhood. The sun
was going down and he felt like a walk. He needed to go over the
dialog anyway. No reason not to be prepared for a woman's sob
story. He finished his beer, had another then announced, "Yo,
barkeep! Hold my calls, I'll be back in a couple hours."

Just out the door Mike caught himself smiling thinking about the
old days. He bit his lip and shook his head. The walk and fresh air
cleared his mind of fond thoughts. As he approached the overpass he
stopped and checked out the situation. Quietly he slid down the
concrete embankment and watched for movement.

Up under the overpass Mokry sat and waited. He checked for his
equalizer; the lump in his coat pocket reassured him. It hadn't
been fired in a year; there'd been no need. Something slid down the
embankment from across the arroyo. It made a few steps in the sand
and stopped.

"Belinda?"

"Yeah it's me."

Even in the dark he could see that she was the walking dead. She
walked up to him and lit a cigarette. Mike gasped when he saw her
face in the light. "Pretty hideous, eh?"

"Damn woman, what's happened to you?"

"Herpes is eating my face off. I've got bronchitis and maybe
pneumonia. So how are you doing?"

"Better than you it seems."

"I've got a favor to ask-"

Here it was, the touch. "That account dried up along time ago,
Belinda."

"Mike, I'm dying. I've got AIDS and I want it over with now. You
still carry that 25 Auto?"

"Um, yes. But can't you try AZT or something from the free clinic?"

"Careful there, it's sounds like you still care. No, they want me
in the hospital and I can't go."

"You mean you won't go, right?"

"Yeah. Something like that. Mike, I'm ready to give it all up, and
I want you to help me."

It wasn't as if he had never taken a life, he had. It was always in
self-defense or occasionally enforcing a business option. He
couldn't quite respond.

Then she flicked her bic and held it up close. He saw it all over
her face and read it in hollow eyes.

"You're sure about this, Belinda?"

"Dead sure." And she knelt down in front of him.

Mike pulled out his gun, held it above her right temple and pulled
the trigger.

Click!

"Damned cheap bullets!" He pulled back the carriage, ejecting the
round.

Belinda looked up and said, "Do it!"

She shut her eyes and he pulled the trigger.

The report was loud. The carriage of the pistol sprang back from
the receiver base and struck Mike in the face, breaking teeth and
nearly tearing off his bottom lip.

The bullet struck the top of Belinda's head and lodged just under
her scalp. They lay in the sand contemplating their actions.

The moral of the story is: Don't go shooting your mouth off when
you're just trying to take out your old girlfriend.

     --by Christine Basso

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 21:23:41 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Spin Doctor

A master in the art of public relations, Michael Levine believes
that the best way to market yourself is to retain a healthy and
positive sense of self-importance.  He recalls a famous story about
a mattress manufacturer's meeting with a P.R. consultant.

"What do you sell?" the publicist asked. 

"I sell mattresses, of course," the bed maker replied.

"No, you don't," the P.R. man countered, shaking his head. "You
sell sweet dreams and good sex."

     --from Guerrilla P.R.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1999 to 6 Apr 1999
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