HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1999 to 5 Apr 1999
There are 5 messages totalling 312 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two from the Archives
  2. Ether Bunnies
  3. Anagrams
  4. Insider comments & questions about contemporary life & kissing
  5. Quick Wit <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 1999 03:39:36 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
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        Date:    Wed, 14 Sep 1994 08:59:40 EDT
        From:    "Donald J. Hickman" <HaComedy@AOL.COM>
        Subject: Miss America <contestants>

The Miss America Pageant is the consolation prize for the girls
who didn't make it into the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Have you noticed? Beauty may be only skin deep, but it's always
at least 5-8.

The swimsuits in the Miss America Pageant are creating the same
controversy as Bill Clinton's health plan: should they provide
minimum or maximum coverage?

The crowning of Miss America is special: it's the only night
somebody leaves Atlantic City a winner.


Source: Contemporary Comedy
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        Date:    Wed, 14 Sep 1994 10:28:50 -0400
        From:    Sheldon Cheney <scheney@NALUSDA.GOV>
        Subject: Good Neighbours

Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when
he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago. A few
days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn.

The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved
in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a
good job.  I need somebody good to mow my lawn too.  How much
are they paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to
sleep with the lady of the house."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 1999 09:50:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ether Bunnies

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 1999 10:23:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Anagrams

This should appeal to the intellectual in you... An Anagram, as you
know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or
left out.

The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there
either has *way* too much time on their hands or is deadly at
Scrabble):


      Word/Phrase                            Anagram
    ---------------                      ---------------

     Dormitory                       Dirty Room

     Evangelist                      Evil's Agent

     Desperation                     A Rope Ends It

     The Morse Code                  Here Come Dots

     Slot Machines                   Cash Lost in 'em

     Animosity                       Is No Amity

     Mother-in-law                   Woman Hitler

     Snooze Alarms                   Alas! No More Z's

     Alec Guinness                   Genuine Class

     Semolina                        Is No Meal

   The Public Art Galleries         Large Picture Halls, I Bet

     A Decimal Point                 I'm a Dot in Place

     The Earthquakes                 That Queer Shake

     Eleven plus two                 Twelve plus one

     Contradiction                   Accord not in it
           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in
 the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

ANAGRAM:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
 hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
                                   ...Neil Armstrong, on the moon

ANAGRAM:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
 moon! On to Mars!"
           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"President Clinton, of the USA"

ANAGRAM:
"To copulate, he finds interns"

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 1999 18:42:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Insider comments & questions about
         contemporary life & kissing

What is it about management? I work for myself and even MY boss is
an idiot.

My boss has a problem dealing with authority figures - like me.

To all you anal-retentive types who complain about everyone
celebrating the new millennium next year: A millennium is any 1,000
years. You can start one today if you like. It's just an excuse for
a big party, anyway. Lighten up!

When I was growing up, I would hear "Stop fighting, or you won't
play together any more". Recently, it seems I am hearing "Stop
killing each other, or I'll kill you myself".

What ever happened to the caboose at the end of trains?

The reason 30+ year old women get carded is because the cashiers
and bagboys make bets on how OLD you really are and someone has to
find out. They know you would lie if they asked you.

Bob Barr - spokesmodel for the NRA, penultimate conservative, and
poster boy for birth control - is now against war. His hatred of
Bill Clinton knows no end.

There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is
obviously the employee training film at the driver's license
office.

Women close their eyes when they kiss because they can't stand to
see a man have a good time.

We close our eyes when we kiss so we don't get the creepy cyclops-
version view of the person we're kissing.

If you saw who I had to kiss, you'd close your eyes, too.

Single people wonder why we kiss with our eyes closed. Married
people don't.

NATO: Now America Takes Over.

Why is it that when you have the most to do you get the flu?

Why is it that you have to have a license to drive, but not one to
have kids?

My sweet hubby serves me breakfast in bed. The only hitch is that I
have to watch fishing shows.

Of course I don't look as busy as the men, I did it right the first
time!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

I eat my peas with boney,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
I don't like the honey,
But it keeps the peas on my knife.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:27:02 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Quick Wit <clean>

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without
hurting their feelings:

"Well, I'm bored...Let's go brush our teeth. Or,

"I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1999 to 5 Apr 1999
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