HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1999 to 4 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 471 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Gone Fishin'
  2. Miracle (Off. to the religious)
  3. Ring ring... <could be offensive to the deeply religious>
  4. Annoying Things
  5. Listen to the Word! (offensive to the religious)
  6. PUNY Riddles
  7. Waz Up Doc?
  8. Daylight Savings Time
  9. Possibly funny comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. 5 Stages of Drunkenness (old but still good)

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Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 04:43:35 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gone Fishin'

*   A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was
  larger & heavier than he was.  On the way to the cleaning shed
  he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.
    The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"
                           - - - - -

*   My one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman.  He said once
  he caught a Great White Shark.  Never having seen it on display
  in his home, I asked what happened to it.
    He sighed and replied, "Well, it was too small to keep, so me
  and three other guys threw it back in."
                           - - - - -

*   George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently
  after fighting it for three hours.
    Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took
  of that fish.  You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
    George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
  during three hours of fighting."
                           - - - - -

*   With the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen
  are already out there trying their luck.  My sister-in-law's
  husband is probably one of the most rabid around.
    Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge
  I asked him if they were biting.  He replied, "Were they ???  I
  had to lay down in the boat just to bait my hook !"
                           - - - - -

*   The Yuppette had never in her life been fishing, but wanted to
  show her rich beau she was a good sport.  After about an hour or
  so aboard his yacht, she quietly said, "How much does that lil'
  red and white thingee cost ?"
    "The float ?" he asked. "Probably less than a dollar, I guess.
  Why do you ask ?"
    "Well, guess I owe you a dollar then." she replied. "Mine just
  sank."

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------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 14:02:19 +0200
From:    Csongor Janos <jccbtr@ELENDER.HU>
Subject: Miracle (Off. to the religious)

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes
pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later,
just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into
the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the
woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest,
I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and
then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the
priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his
son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have
something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your
father."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 08:02:35 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ring ring... <could be offensive to the deeply religious>

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic
     Minister?

Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a Confirmation, so it must have
        been a priest.


God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly
     Services(c)?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
        Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here
        and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have
     corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of..

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms,
     from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric
     (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be
     construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God
        was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled
        into the fires of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your
     faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that
     does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string
     is a Goto Hell. Without

God: There is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The
     Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and
     hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). you can
     also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long
     and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of
     Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted
        again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that
     purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and
     Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and
     not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be
     fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I
        should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------


Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 09:09:21 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Annoying Things

                   Doesn't It Annoy You When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner
    is nowhere to be found?

...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and
   then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to
   drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little
   subscription cards keep falling out?

...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it
   anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they
   go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then
   tells you to try some.

...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store
   that you're just looking around.

...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to
   get out.

...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right
   after you put food in your mouth.

...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want
   is a pressure reading.

...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have
   has dead batteries.

...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes
   a check or uses a credit card.

...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you
   don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 10:39:53 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Listen to the Word! (offensive to the religious)

A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this
message for the past week:

                Don't make me come down there!
                                - God

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 10:45:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles

146. By night, three violinists played in the symphony orchestra.
During the day, to make a little money on the side, they used their
musical talents by roving the city streets and having impromptu
concerts wherever they thought they could make some money from the
passersby.  They called their act:

147. Fishermen trying to catch a certain fish that s popularly sold
in small chunks in jars in a sharp sauce were mortified to discover
that they had instead entrapped a large number of birds frequently
found near the water. Nonetheless they processed their catch and
sold the results under an almost-familiar name.  What was it?

148. What inverted clichi describes someone who couldn't get drunk
because the liquor had been diluted?

149. What entertainer came from a small closely knit family?

150. What do you call a pedicurist who's repeatedly nailed for
shoplifting?

Movie of the Week:
5. Remember the dismay of the Baseball official who thought he
could make it as a player,

Book of the Week:
3. Doyle s biography of the founders of the Schlage Company.


                    - - - - - - - - - -
                          (Answers)


146. A random act of violins (By Tiff Wimberly)

147. Pickled Heron (By Cynthia MacGregor)

148. The (F)lush was swilling but the spirit was weak.
     (By Lars Hanson)

149. Mini Purl (By Stan Kegel)

150. A Clip-Toe Maniac (By Gary Hallock)

Movie of the Week:
"The Umpire Strikes Out" (By Clynch Varnadore)

Book of the Week:
The Inventors of Sure Lock Homes  (By Stan Kegel)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 13:27:04 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Waz Up Doc?

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who
gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know
if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want
all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the
line, please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady
who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about
Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel.
Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full
meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is
going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at
twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't
tell me nothing!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 21:00:56 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Daylight Savings Time

It's time for the annual reminder about DST:

Remember, when you go to bed tonight, to set your clocks AHEAD
one hour.

If you're a Republican, set your clocks BACK forty years!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 23:04:10 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Possibly funny comments & questions
         about contemporary life

It is true: You do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
But those strips you get from the hardware store work best of all.

I have found a new way to keep house. When I take off my glasses,
all the dust disappears.

Do they call the cops in Peachtree City the Peach Fuzz?

Yes, in Peachtree City, we call the police Peach Fuzz, and we also
used to have a landfill we called the Peach Pit.

Some people have a way with words. Some people _ ugh _ don't. The
proper way to shove your beliefs down somebody's throat is to
contribute large sums to political campaigns.


My 3-year-old said red VWs need to have black spots because then
they look like lady bugs.

Perhaps the road rage generation of the 90s is a result of the me
first generation of the 60s.

Drive as if every other driver is carrying a gun. It might be me,
and I do.

Defining our society is real easy these days: Those who want some-
thing and those who oppose something.

People who say "I don't want to be any trouble" usually are?

A friend asked if I was going to run in the Peachtree and I said I
was until they sent me my number 911.

Isn't it marvelous how hospital food can be made to look almost
real.

My sweetie commented that I am always right. I told him no, not
always - once I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

I learn more news by watching Jay Leno's monologue than I do by
watching the local news stations.

My child is so bad at school that I have to come to PTA meetings
under an assumed name.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 3 Apr 1999 22:20:23 -0600
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: 5 Stages of Drunkenness (old but still good)

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass
on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.  At this stage you are
always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very
WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you.  You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar.  You can also make bets
at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally,
you will win all your bets.  It doesn't matter how much you bet
because you are RICH.  You will also buy drinks for everyone that
you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.


Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you.  At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to
a battle of wits or money.  You have no fear of losing this battle,
because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking
than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness.  At this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.  You dance on a table to
impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person
who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at
the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and
because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.


http://www.schulte.org/html/stupidfiles.html

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End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1999 to 4 Apr 1999
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