HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1999 to 2 Apr 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 448 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. April Fool's Day <some adult humor>
  2. Bob's New Membership (adult)
  3. Old Man Villager  <adult>
  4. Happy Easter <blasphemy!>
  5. Wisdom Chant for the day >humor<
  6. Passover
  7. Glib comments & questions about contemporary life
  8. Testing in Heaven (off. to Hindus, Christians and groundhogs)
  9. The English Rider (Pun)
 10. Programmers Drinking Song
 11. Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

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Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 03:55:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: April Fool's Day <some adult humor>

April Fool's Day (April 1st) is traditionally the day where
people play pranks on others.  Although most Americans think
the day is a US tradition, it began in France in 1564 and
spread to England in the 1600's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*   Mrs JimJr gets her kicks in too from time to time.  Away for
  a two week seminar, I called her, and after she said "Hello",
  I said, "I wish I were there now.  I'd tear all your clothes
  off, embrace you madly and then make passionate love."
    There was a pause, and then she said, "Who is this ???"
                           - - - - -

*   A Yuppie rushed into the Columbia Pharmacy and frantically
  said, "Quick Doc -- I've swallowed some herbicide and must
  have an antidote."
    The pharmacist, thinking a prank was being played on him,
  replied, "You've come to the right place. It seems there was
  an Irishman, a Priest and a Rabbi..."
                           - - - - -

*   I will confess to being somewhat of a prankster, just to
  watch the reaction from my victim.  For reasons of their own
  my GrandChildren wanted a cat.  I saw an ad for a "Free to
  good home Persian."
    The woman began extolling the bloodline, virtues, training,
  etc., when I interrupted with: "Never mind all that lady --
  is he tender ?"
                           - - - - -

*   The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep
  the sailors on duty.  Two Corpsmen were standing around when
  a new Seamen entered Sick Bay.  The sailor asked if the ship's
  doctor was any good.
    "Good ?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all.
  A guy came in with cramps and the doc cut off his foot."
    "And remember the guy with erysipelas ?" asked the second
  Corpsman. "The doc lobbed off his right ear."
    The sailor, turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be
  back later. I've just got a mild case of jock rash."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 05:38:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bob's New Membership (adult)

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The
woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and
says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you
mean?" She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule
here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits
down and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent,
hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards
him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me? "Bob replies
"No, what do you mean?"  "You must be new here, it is a rule that
when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then
easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes
him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling
naked receptionist: "May I help you?". Bob says, "Here is your card
and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a
small fraction of our facilities." Bob replies, "Listen lady, I am
58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month but I fart 15
times a day. No thanks!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 06:11:41 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Old Man Villager  <adult>

A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that
land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any
memorable events in  his life.

The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my
neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and
looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and
one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he
asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so
me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for
her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank
the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot
of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't
write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any
dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face
said: "Well, there was that one time I was lost........"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 10:24:10 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Happy Easter <blasphemy!>

Yesterday I passed a sign for a store selling "Easter Barbie"
dolls. I started  to wonder just what an Easter Barbie could be.
Barbie in a bunny suit?  No, that's the somewhat redundant "Playboy
Barbie."

Then it dawned on me...
Easter Barbie means when you open the box, Barbie's gone!
               - - - - - - - - - -

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 10:13:59 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Wisdom Chant for the day >humor<

I would like to share an old Native American chant to ward off
harm & gain wisdom.  It goes like this:

(Repeat as a chant)

            Oh wah
            Ta foo
            Lie am

As you repeat it more often and more quickly, it's message becomes
clear and you will become wise!  Try it.  It works!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 15:28:08 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Passover

               HAGGADAH HAVE HEART
               by Marty Goldensohn

This year, we're doing Gotham Passover again. Have you heard about
this? Very urban and idealistic.

The table is set with matzoh, grits, goat cheese, flan, turkey,
wasabi, and other traditional foods. At our house, Uncle Red leads
the service.

"Who knows the ten plagues of Gotham by heart?" asks Uncle Red.

"I do," answers nephew Sasha. "Alternate-side-of-the-street
parking, roaches, landlords, crack, handguns, homelessness, teen
pregnancy, HIV, and 60 kids to a classroom."

"That's only nine plagues," Mom points out.

"De-funding the third-born welfare child," adds my sister Ellen.

"That's right," says Uncle Red. "And how come we eat matzoh?"

It is little Rosie's turn to answer. "We eat the flat unleavened
bread," she says, "to remind us of the flight of the middle class
from the city. When the tax base failed to rise, the infrastructure
crumbled like dry crackers."

The proud relatives clap for Rosie, who has studied her Gotham
Haggadah so well.

"And why do we eat these bitter herbs?" Uncle Red asks.

Cousin Merle has the answer. "We partake of the wasabi, the green
Japanese horseradish," she says, "to remind us of the bitterness of
deindustrialization, which our ancestors blamed on Toyota."

"Yes, that was before the Chrysler Minivan," adds Uncle Red. "Also,
the wasabi recalls Bush the Education Pharoah, who threw up his
sushi during a foreign trade mission, worsening the balance of
payments."

"Why grits with goat cheese?" asks Uncle Milton.

"Grits mixed with goat cheese reminds us of the terrible
estrangement between the races, which leaves a bad taste in our
mouths," answers Cousin Julia.

"Yeah, why can't we all just get along?" asks Cousin Steve.

"That's not one of the ten questions," snaps Aunt Mathilde.

"I know that," says Steve. "It's Rodney King."

"Well, pipe down and tell us: Why on this night does Uncle Louis
recline in the Baralounger?" says Uncle Red.

"Because he's 89 years old," says Steve.

"No," Uncle Red corrects him, "it's to remind us of the homeless
who never have a comfortable place to sit."

"And why do we eat flan for dessert?" asks Mom.

"This custard," Louis answers, "reminds us of the sweetness of the
1996 World Series in the Bronx, when the hardships of everyday life
melted away."

"And why do we eat turkey rather than steak or duck?" asks my Dad.

"Because," says Mom, "Turkey is still 69 cents a pound, and there
are 42 of us here. Who are we, Donald Trump?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 19:20:05 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Glib comments & questions about contemporary life

I have what no millionaire has: no money!

I think Jerry Springer has been moonlighting as a mediator for the
Balkans.

To my husband's mistress: I am the one who will get dressed up on
Sunday and go visit the five kids. Think about it.

I'll admit that the last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She
asked me what was on the television, and I said dust.

Do you sometimes get the impression that your primary care
physician is really just a super salesman for his favorite
pharmaceutical company?

This is a telemarketer and I'm calling to say we keep calling until
you buy or until you die.

When I speak to a telemarketer I tell them my lawyer has advised me
not to buy anything until my bankruptcy case is settled. They don't
call back.

Rich people trouble: "Honey, do we tell others that we own two
Lexuses or two Lexi?"

I fell like I'm parking diagonally in a parallel universe.

Today, I got a mailing from an "intellectual" New York City
publication appealing to me to subscribe. "Think for yourself,"
the publisher wrote. "Just send in our card." I thought for myself;
I threw the card away.

My daugher is a `90s kind of gal: She faxes me to say she just sent
me an e-mail. Then she calls to make sure I got the fax.

I see the State Legislature got its raise and my grandchildren are
still going to school in trailers.

Next year I'm going to winterize my lawnmower properly.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 17:44:55 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko.w@HOME.COM>
Subject: Testing in Heaven
         (off. to Hindus, Christians and groundhogs)


          (To be spoken in an East Indian accent)

Three Hindus had died and they decided to go to the Christian
heaven and see if it is what it's all cracked up to be. On arrival
they where greeted by St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter upon seeing
these soles wasn't sure if they were indeed true Christians. He
asked them and they replied that they are true to the Christian
faith. Upon further examinations of his registry, St. Peter
couldn't fine them anywhere in his logs. To make things easier
for all, St. Peter suggested that he would give them a test to see
if they were Christians. He then took the first one aside and asked
him what Easter meant to him.

"Easter is a very important holiday, everyone dresses in a scary
costume and go to house to house and scare the occupants into
giving up some food stuff, usually candy and apples."

Poof! And he was sent to Hindu heaven.

St. Peter then took the second one aside and asked: "what does
Easter mean to you?"

The second one replied: "Easter is a very important Christian
holiday. It is celebrated by decorating one's dwelling with
brightly coloured lights to entice the landing of a jolly fat elf
in his sled pulled by eight tiny reindeer to leave gifts under a
tree".

Poof!  And the Hindu was sent to his own heaven.

To the third he asked him the same question.

"Easter is a most important of all the Christian holidays; it
celebrates the crucifixion of a man for teaching peace and
brotherhood. He dies on the cross and is buried and on the third
day he arose and if he should see his shadow we all can expect six
more weeks of inclement weather.

*Poof*

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 19:19:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The English Rider (Pun)

In the late 1800?s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an
English fellow decided to become a Rodeo star. Not having a horse,
or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation
was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his
house. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his
yard.

As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good
practice. After all, he reasoned, they may not be moving targets,
but at least he could get the hang of the rope.

Now he needed a mount. Not having a horse, he thought a bicycle
would be a good substitute, and so he grabbed a coil of rope,
hopped on his bicycle and off he went. He was phenomenally
successful, and quickly got the hang of it.

Each day a friend of his would stop by to watch and give encourage-
ment. Upon showing up one day, after the Englishman had been
practicing for a couple of weeks, the friend noticed that the
Englishman had taken to riding with no hands, and whirling two
lassoes at the same time. The Englishman proceed to lasso an
outhouse, then immediately followed with a perfect throw over one
of the lamps, all the while singing out... "Here we go loop the
loo, here we go loop the light!"

          --by Clynch Varnadore

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 1999 04:24:07 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Programmers Drinking Song

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS =3D 0)

          --from Rebecca Mercuri
            via a colleague at Disney

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 1999 00:13:37 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

 1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @
 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
    to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1999 to 2 Apr 1999
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