HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1999 to 1 Apr 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Moore on Insurance
  2. One Must Be Precise  <pun>
  3. Sayings on Buttons
  4. Kids... Can't Live With 'Em, Can't.. oh, I said that before...
  5. Genius (adult)
  6. Spice (Pun)
  7. Three Questions & Some Links <adult> (2)
 
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Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 03:37:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Insurance
 
* I was able to obtain some real cheap fire-theft insurance for
  our home.  Turns out however they only pay off if we're robbed
  during a fire.
                           - - - - -
 
* A lot of life insurance policies cost a great deal of money to
  maintain.  But look on the bright side -- when you die, you'll
  be rich !
                           - - - - -
 
* Who sez that life insurance agents don't have feelings.  After
  I had my heart bypass operation, my agent sent cards and called
  daily to check on my recovery.
                           - - - - -
 
*   An agent for a large insurance company in Ontario handed a
  life-insurance check to a widow, in full payment for her late
  husband's policy.  He then advised her to take out a policy
  of her own.
    "Why I do believe I will." she replied enthusiastically.
  "My husband had such good luck with his."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Yuppette, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
  The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life
  insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employees' pay.
    She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well
  as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave.
  AND they paid the full premiums."
    "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with
  such benefits." the interviewer replied.
    The Yuppette shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went
  bankrupt."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 06:16:09 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: One Must Be Precise  <pun>
 
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea
birds with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving
measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing
their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of
equilibrium in three dimensional space.  This proposal being given
in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
 
He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply
of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work,
groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend,
and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
 
With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete
with charts  and graphs, to the review committee. The august body
peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our
student to jello.
 
Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her
steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. "There is
a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this
report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns
but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group."
 
Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."
 
"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."
 
          --thanks to Bob Stebbins
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 07:02:56 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sayings on Buttons
 
          Sayings that should be on buttons
 
 
 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
 
 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
 
 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
 
 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
 
 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
 
 6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
 
 7. This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
 
 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
 
 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
 
10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
 
11. You! Off my planet!
 
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
 
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
    self-control.
 
14. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
 
15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
 
16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
 
17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
    shoes on my cat.
 
18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
 
19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
 
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
 
21. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
 
22. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
 
23. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
 
24. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
 
25. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
 
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
 
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
 
28. Better living through denial.
 
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
 
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets
    after them.
 
31. Adult child of alien invaders.
 
32. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
 
33. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
 
34. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
 
35. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
 
36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 08:47:44 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Kids... Can't Live With 'Em, Can't...
         oh, I said that before...
 
The class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class.
The teacher didn't see Johnnie. She asked, "Where's Johnnie?"
 
One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom, lying on the
floor."
 
She asked, "Why is he doing that?"
 
The child said, "I don't know.  He's been like that since he stuck
the scissors in the light socket."
               +++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
   Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
   Son: " 'Who threw the eraser at the principal?' "
               +++++++++++++++++++++++
 
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the
unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made
no comment.
 
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were
expecting at home?"
 
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
               +++++++++++++++++++++++
 
You know your kids are growing up when they become so
insufferable that you wish birth control were retroactive!!
               +++++++++++++++++++++++
 
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to
his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
 
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects
of the tricky subject.
 
When she had finished, the lad produced an enrollment form which he
had brought home from school and said, "Yeah, but how do I get all
that into this one little square?"
               +++++++++++++++++++++++
 
"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist
 once he grows up"                  -- Pablo Picasso
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 16:29:58 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Genius (adult)
 
I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing
more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere
except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
 
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
 
"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find
things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
 
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung
stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew.  I could
still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind my back.  I have to
make it difficult, or I get bored.
 
"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the
gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though I'm right handed)
sight with my right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand)
and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon
stable.  Even then, I could win Harley whenever I want.  Nothing's
any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."
 
I was impressed.  "Got any kids?" I inquired.
 
"Yes," he replied.  "And before you ask... standing up in a
hammock."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 15:48:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Spice (Pun)
 
          An 'erb is an 'erb is an 'erb --
 
At the beginning of the 20th century, famed British botanist, Lord
Ramsbottom, successfully hybridized a cumin plant with a strain of
coriander. The results was a cultivar that had a very unusual and
highly desirable seed. The plant, when exhibited at local shows,
won many awards. Lord Ramsbottom was so thrilled with his new
hybrid that he showed the award winning herb at the Royal
Horticultural Society Exhibition at Kew Gardens in London.
 
One of the visitors to the exhibition was the owner of several
green grocer stores around London town. His name was Abe Shapiro
and he had found prosperity in England after immigrating from Minsk
and working long and hard. Abe's knowledge of the market for herbs
and spices was legendary and he was asked how he thought the newly
developed strain would do in the marketplace.
 
He responded, "Vell, I tink it's a vunderful ting, dis new herb. So
unusual. I can't belief dat... mine eyes haff seen the cory and der
cumin of da Lord."
 
          --by Bob Levi
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 10:10:39 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Three Questions & Some Links <adult>
 
Happy Fools' Day!
 
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a guitar?
A. You play at the top and finger the bottom...
 
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a bank?
A. After withdrawal, you lose interest...
 
Q. How do you make out if a guy's gay?
A. He is always expaniding his friend(s) circle...
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
          April Fool's Day Links [un-verified]
 
AprilFools.com: (http://aprilfools.infospace.com/)
 
April Fools on the Net: (http://www.2meta.com/april-fools/)
 
April Fools' Day is the Norm in Nature: http://sddt.com/files/
librarywire/96wireheadlines/04_96/DN96_04_01/DN96_04_01_1zz.html)
 
Where Every Day Is April Fools' Day:
(http://www.monmouth.com/~ssadams/GPoint.htm)
 
April Fools Pranks: (http://webpages.marshall.edu/ ~hartwel1/humor/
MISC/APRIL_FOOLS_PRANKS.HTML)
 
AprilFools.com April Fools Day History:
(http://aprilfools.infospace.com/afhow.htm)
 
April Fools' Day: Article:
(http://www.lpl.arizona.edu/grad/april_fools/citizen_article.html)
 
Postcards From The Past - April Fools Day:
(http://www.bitwise.net/~ken-bill/april1.htm)
 
Hallmark - Shoebox - Your Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks:
(http://www.shoebox.com/pranks/bestpranks.asp)
 
St Petersburg idiots unite on April Fool's Day:
(http://www.spb.ru/sppress/153/spbidiot.html)
 
BHIP: Great April Fool's Day Comics Switcheroonie of 1997:
(http://www.bhip.com/features/1comics.htm)
 
@Postcard -- April Fool's Postcards:
(http://www.xenus.com/postcard/aprilf5.htm)
 
Manic Moms: Deceptively Simple - April Fools Recipes:
(http://www.parentsplace.com/readroom/manicmoms/apr96dec.html)
 
The Inquisitive Cook - April Fools:
(http://www.inquisitivecook.com/articles/aprilfools.html)
 
April Fools!:
(http://snafu.ch.uofport.edu/~bhiggins/humor/AprilFools.html)
 
April fools the mac: (http://www.cse.psu.edu/~skovrins/fools.html)
 
Family.com: FamilyFun - April Fools' Day Dinnees:
(http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/bploegstra/apfool.htm)
 
AprilFools.com Fool Links - Bogus Web Pages:
(http://aprilfools.infospace.com/foolink.htm)
(http://www.ilhawaii.net/~danrubio/error95/error14s.zip)
 
AprilFools.com Send Fake Mail:
(http://206.129.140.93/fakemail.htm)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Apr 1999 11:33:38 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Three Questions & Some Links <adult>
 
     [Duplicate post removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1999 to 1 Apr 1999
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