HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1999 to 31 Mar 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Insurance
  2. Sad Tail (abult) Sad Pool (adult)
  3. Jesus <off. to religious people>
  4. Life's Little Lessons - The Woman's Version
  5. A Clinton joke I hadn't heard (suggestive)
  6. Options
  7. Q&A <adult, off...>
  8. Urbane comments & questions about contemporary life
  9. Spoons in a restaurant (somewhat nasty)
 10. Passover(Pun)
 11. Sample Resume - Part 2/2 <adult>
 12. Passover humor (shouldn't be offensive)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 03:42:26 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Insurance
 
* The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital
  gowns -- you only think you're covered.
                           - - - - -
 
* There's one big advantage in being over 50 -- you don't get a lot
  of calls from insurance salesmen.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Then there was the Rabbi who specialized in circumcisions.  He
  applied for malpractice insurance.
    A policy was promptly issued, but it had an unforeseen catch --
  there was a two inch deductible.
                           - - - - -
 
* Actually I have some misgivings about Hillary never being able
  to push her National Health Insurance policy thru.  I mean she
  and Billy-Boy have been making me sick for years, why shouldn't
  the government have to pay for it.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Maryland State Highway instituted what seemed not only to
  be a great group insurance plan, but was said to save the tax-
  payers millions of dollars annually.
    Much to the dismay of the employees however, it was quickly
  discovered the fine print stated that to use the sick benefits,
  the entire group had to be sick.
                           - - - - -
 
* I have a neighbor so old, she took out her policy when that Rock
  of Gibraltar company was just a pebble on the beach.  Anyway, I
  understand when she lays down on the couch for a nap, she looks
  like the undertaker was called away while he was working on her.
  One month her Insurance Agent came to collect her premium, took
  one look at her prostrate on the couch, and left a pay-off check
  on the kitchen table.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 03:25:48 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Sad Tail (adult) Sad Pool (adult)
 
Kissing is a habit,
screwing is a game,
boys get all the pleasure,
girls get all the pain,
he says he loves you and you believe it's true
but when your stomach starts to swell
he says the hell with you!!!
16 min of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital ,
a baby with no name.
The baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore,
it never would have happened
if the rubber hadn't tore.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Recreate the fun of a visit to the public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating in it before you jump in.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 13:50:58 +0300
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Jesus <off. to religious people>
 
Jesus walks towards the gates of Heaven, quietly whistling for
himself. St. Peter raises his eyes from the books and shouts: "You!
Hey, you! Where do you think you're going?"
 
"Err... St. Peter? You don't recognize me? Why I'm Jesus! I'm on my
way to see my father!"
 
"Jesus, Schmesus," says St. Peter. "Come on, boy, surely you can
come up with something better than that. How do you expect me to
believe you are Jesus? Go away, you're wasting my time".
 
"But Peter! We've gone a long way together! It's me, Jesus! You
have to remember me!"
 
"You? Jesus? You make me laugh. Jesus -- with that beard? And those
dirty clothes? Hah. No way you'll get past me pretending you're
Jesus".
 
Depressed, Jesus turns around and begins to slowly walk away. After
a couple of secs, St. Peter says: "Hey, Jesus."
 
"Yes?"
 
"Smile. You're on Candid Camera".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 06:16:24 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Life's Little Lessons - The Woman's Version
 
                    MEN
 
"I like an 'outdoorsy' girl" means that he's really one of those
crotch-scratching overall-wearing, tobacco-juice-spitting no-neck
types called "Bubba" who would throw you into a four-wheeler and
take you jolting up and down over ruts to a place in the woods
where there are no roads, let alone bathrooms, and molest you
without a chance of someone hearing you scream.  If you can't take
him out with one blow, don't go.
 
If he obviously cares more about his car than he does about you,
get out.
 
If the first thing he wants in the morning is not a cup of coffee
but a shot of whiskey, get out while you can.
 
If he ever says, "I ain't never met a girl who didn't like..." get
out as fast as you can.
 
If he gets you nothing for your birthday, Christmas, etc., get him
the same thing.
 
If he says, "I'm going..." instead of, "Let's go..." get out.
 
If he can't ever give you a straight answer, even to a "yes" or
"no" question, get out fast.
 
If he says, "I'm tired tonight. I think I'll go right to sleep,"
for five days in a row, but he wants to wake you and get romantic
on the sixth day, tell him to go to Hell before you get out.
 
If you can tell when he's awake because the snoring in the bedroom
stops, and the bathroom noises start, don't expect it to get any
better.
 
Realize early on that there are many things about which he won't
have a clue.  This will help you to avoid situations like, "I was
going to buy you a ring, Honey. What size do you wear?"  It is best
not to be cute and reply, "Same size as my panties."  He has NO
idea what that is.
 
Older family members and friends will try to warn you about boys
and that "I love you" crap.  Believe them.  Sometimes a boy will be
creative and phrase it as, "I need you."  Translated, they both
mean, "Take off your panties."
 
Almost anything he says early in the relationship means, "Take off
your panties."
 
If he says, "I love you," early in the relationship, he's just
making noises to SOUND like a caring partner.
 
When his idea of foreplay is, "Move over," or "Turn over," it's too
late for him.
 
Much later, after you have already started packing up the household
goods, and perhaps you have thrown his clothes out into the yard,
THEN he will say, "I love you," but he still won't mean it.
Occasionally, he will get a clue from the sight of the smoke
billowing from his burning clothes.
 
Never allow him to handle the budget.  It is far too complicated
for the male mind.
 
Behaving like an ass, being stupid, or just generally acting
idiotic, or being annoying is gender-related.  They can't help it,
but they can be helped... to find the door.
 
Almost anything you do with an "I'll show him!" attitude will
backfire on you.  That's primarily true because women learn from
their mistakes; men don't.
 
          --by Mary Mitchell, copyright pending
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 03:43:16 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: A Clinton joke I hadn't heard (suggestive)
 
Q: Why did the Clintons name their dog "Buddy" instead of "Spot"?
 
A: Because you can't yell "Come Spot!" in the White House anymore.
 
          --from D A Ns JokeClique <jokeclique@usa.net>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 06:53:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Options
 
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
     ==========================================
 
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
     ==========================================
 
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
     ==========================================
 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
     ==========================================
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
     ==========================================
 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
     ==========================================
 
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
     ==========================================
 
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in
having two people remembering the same thing.
     ==========================================
 
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
     ==========================================
 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
     ==========================================
 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
     ==========================================
 
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
before marriage and after marriage.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:00:47 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Q&A <adult, off...>
 
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: "*Mgplth* (choke) *gkltmpfff*!!!"
          --------------------------
 
Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair.
          --------------------------
 
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
          --------------------------
 
Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
          --------------------------
 
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch....
          --------------------------
 
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Chris Farley have in common?
A: 10-year old crack habit.
          --------------------------
 
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.
          --------------------------
 
Q: How much hair is in a girl's lap?
A: A box full.
          --------------------------
 
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
          --------------------------
 
Q: What do you call a 300 pound Italian girl?
A: Underweight.
          --------------------------
 
Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
A: Anorexic
          --------------------------
 
Q: Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt
      to throw the dick out of the window?
A: She didn't have the balls.
          --------------------------
 
Q: What's a 79 ?
A: 69 with a ten cent meal tax.
          --------------------------
 
It must have been Alzheimer who first defined the primary senses:
he forgot Memory.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 12:56:42 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Urbane comments & questions about contemporary life
 
Take a good look at Jerry Springer's audience. How many library
cards do you think are out there?
 
Why is it that religious fundamentalists and the Fascists all start
with the same method: Censorship?
 
Disclaimer heard on a late night informercial: "If not 100 percent
satisfied, just return the unused portion of our product and we'll
return the unused portion of your money."
 
Being politically correct is overwhelming. I now have to call my
mutt a Canine American.
 
My neighbor, a blonde no less, was complaining about preparing her
pc calendar for "Y to K." She said Januark, Februark, Mak, and Julk
just didn't look right!
 
Why is it that the people that WANT to get in front of me in
traffic DON'T use their signal but the ones that DOn't DO use their
signal?
 
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 
Never mind lethal injection. Why not just put John King in a
two-man cell with Mike Tyson?
 
Does a person who is "all thumbs" need a hand?
 
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a
few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge
of the pool and throw them fish?
 
What Would Jesus Do? Well, if HE had a car, He probably wouldn't
speed up to cut me off, and then slow down once he was right in
front of me. Practice what you preach or get rid of your bumper
stickers.
 
So the top 10 cars stolen were all Japanese? Another reason I'm
glad I buy American.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 13:23:39 -0600
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: Spoons in a restaurant (somewhat nasty)
 
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon
in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It
seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until
our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in
his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters,
waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
 
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why
the spoons?"
 
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our
procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they
concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often
than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per
workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in
advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...
nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him,
and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his
pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen
instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
 
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
 
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As
the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted
back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when,
out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread
protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had
to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other  waiters and
busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
 
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could
leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but... uh... why, or what... about
that string?"
 
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in
the men's room, too."
 
"How's that?"
 
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can
pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the
restroom by over 93%!"
 
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull
it out, how do you get it back in?"
 
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use
my spoon."
 
 
http://jokes.schulte.org/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 19:27:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Passover(Pun)
 
Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child
will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God
brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the
Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's
intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth
plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on
every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after
this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery
and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
 
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why
the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse
to release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took 8 years
of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and
nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those
years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer.
And once found, it was obvious... The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.
  
     --by Stan Kegel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 31 Mar 1999 09:26:04 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sample Resume - Part 2/2 <adult>
 
     Employment (Continued from yesterday...)
 
d) Concannon Lumber, N.E. Sandy Blvd. Portland

Employed: ,January 4 to February 21 1995
 
Responsibilities: Stand next to a conveyor belt and pull just cut
lumber off the conveyor and stack it on a cart and then strap it
with banding so the forklift drivers could put the units on a
truck. Bundle pieces of pine with a piece of equipment called a
"sub-bundler," although it took me maybe two weeks to figure out
what it was REALLY called because my unoffical "sponcor" was this
freaking monkey named "Big Ass" (a name I gave to him because
that's the only thing I understood when he talked; the rest of his
speech being drowned out by the spit bubbles.) I really thought the
thing we did when the two of us were bundling the pine boards was
called "sumbumblinb." Boy do I feel like a fool. I was his "buddy."
I couldn't shake him. He blew his nose on his shirt.
 
Reason for leaving: It was winter, cold as hell, I was living in
this house that the bedroom window was broken out of, and my
bathroom was frozen. I'm telling you, its hard for a white man to
get a good job when all those minorities are out there taking them
all up. Bastards. Anyway, the warehouse had its doors open so the
forklift drivers could drive in and out so the wind blew straight
through. It was probably a -30 degree wind chill factor. My boss
had the extra forklift backed up to us so its exhaust would blow on
us. Like it was supposed to keep us warm. I got frostbite because I
was wearing steel toed boots, so I quit. I realized that my
quitting might have put them out of business, and for that I feel
bad. But you know, a man has just got to have his dignity. I'm a
great white warrior, and I deserve better. My PO can kiss my ass
for getting me this job.
 
e) Badgely, N. Portland
 
Employed: December 2 to December 20 1994
 
Responsibilities: Cut aluminum slabs into 1 inch pieces, drilled
holes into them, and cut off the burrs. Helped assemble golf bags.
Piled pallets into neat stacks.
 
Reason for leaving: My boss, Alan, was a tyrant. He said that I was
being "careless with safety" because I was caught jumping off the
third tier of the racks in the warehouse into foam rolls I piled on
the floor. He also got mad because I was skateboarding in the
warehouse on this ramp I had made out of spare wood. It wasn't a
big ramp, and they weren't doing anything with the wood. As far as
the jumping off the racks, it wasn't dangerous. The foam broke my
fall. Besides, it made everyone laugh. Alan was a geek. He drove a
Volkswagen. People who drive VW's are stupid. He got pissed one
time when he found me and Jay and Bret getting high in the
warehouse. I made a cool fort in the racks on the second tier that
three of us could fit into, even though it was really only made for
two. See, I made it for this broad that was working in the other
side of the plant.  Never panned out, though. I told her about it
and she left and never came back. Huh. Anyhow, Me and Jay and Bret
climbed up there and we were smoking the last of my eighth (from
this cool pipe I made out of a can complete with a carb) when all
of a sudden half my fort was picked up and taken away by the
warehouse forklift driver! I was trippin! Jay was leaning on it and
fell and landed on his head. I was so stoned that I just started
laughing. Man, that was funny.
 
Education
 
Astoria High School
 
I chose to leave school because I didn't like the way I was
treated. I got in trouble for skipping school and drinking. People
made fun of me because I played Dungeons and Dragons. That's a
thinking man's game. They were stupid and didn't know what was
going on. These chicks got me in trouble with the cops because they
saw me running around with no clothes on. Well, it wasn't me,
dammit. I went to a one week training course for selling Chopco
Knives. Learned how to sell worthless crappy knives to suckers.
They even had scissors for cutting pennies in half. Who needs that
crap? I learned lots and met a hot chick. I stared at her all week.
She refused to have a drink with me. I even offered to take her to
the Ship in Multnomah, and she said I was a scumbag. She must have
been a lesbian. That's cool, I was just playin. I didn't like her
anyway. I just wanted her to feel special.
 
Skills
 
I am very handy with a hammer, but I think my calling is in sales
or customer relations. I'm a people person. I spent a week with my
step dad in Arizona and he taught me how to weld. I've become very
interested lately in pyrotechnics. Maybe a job starting fires would
be cool. Hey, I'm flexible. I just need a goddammed job. If I don't
get a job soon, I'll be forced to take up that offer that recruiter
from the ARMY gave me.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 22:44:08 -0800
From:    "Roger E. Taranto" <rog@TSOFT.COM>
Subject: Passover humor (shouldn't be offensive)
 
Nigel Liebowitz, a prominent Jewish philanthropist was selected in
the Queen's New Year's Honors List for knighthood (Knight Commander
of the British Empire).  To prepare, he had to have special court
clothes tailored by a ritzy shoppe advertising "by appointment to
HM Elizabeth II".
 
He also had to study the ritual lines of acceptance which are
partially in Latin and partially in archaic French.  However, Nigel
had trouble with languages and was uncomfortable even in English,
though he'd been born in Knightsbridge, London.  So, he hired a
tutor and studied for two weeks prior to the knighting ceremony.
 
When his turn finally came to approach the throne, the Queen
regally tapped him on both shoulders with the sword and pronounced
him a knight hereinafter to be referred to as "Sir Nigel."
 
Now it was time for Nigel to repeat the memorized formula in Latin
and French...  but... his mind went blank.  He mumbled the only
words he could think of under the pressure of the occasion: "Ma
nishtanah ha-laila hazeh mikol ha-laylot."
 
Confused by the unfamiliar response to the ritual, the Queen turned
to the Prime Minister and asked... "Why is this knight different
from all the rest?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1999 to 31 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
