HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1999 to 30 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. 1993 Top Ten's
  2. Bank Robbery <pun>
  3. Coma Babies
  4. Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to rednecks>
  5. work
  6. Taxes Arrive... (adult)
  7. Out of school too long <clean>
  8. Definitely from the "B" list...  <Humor>
  9. Japan bombs New Mexico
     (Satire may be offensive to some with less sense of humor)
 10. Sample Resume - Part 1/2 <adult>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 03:34:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: 1993 Top Ten's
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
          Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 1993 15:56:02 -0500
          From:    Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
          Subject: More Top 10s!
 
                Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
 
10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
 9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a
    complimentary pair of NAFTA slacks
 8. Like it or not, Hillary has to do at least one Letterman show
 7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
 6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
 5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as
    much as they can carry
 4. President Clinton has to split his snack time between
    McDonald's and Taco Bell
 3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie" to serve guests coffee
 2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
 1. "Pesos" now called "Clintos"
                        - - - - - - - - - -
 
                Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up
 
10. Blinks like it's going out of style
 9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants
 8. At NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude"
 7. Shaved head to be back-up singer in Madonna's Girlie Show
 6. Sends dirty jokes over the Internet
 5. He's been hangin' out with Heavy Metal Rock Groups
 4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and
    grabs onto buses
 3. Goes on talk shows and says "Buttafuoco"
 2. No longer personally offended by Senator Packwood's passes
 1. Loosens tie during sex
 
                --from the Dave Letterman Show
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
    http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 06:29:41 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bank Robbery <pun>
 
As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play
practical jokes on each other.  But, as we also know, when noon
comes, the jokes end.
 
Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2
rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area.
They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and
a donut.  The time was 11:55 AM.  Three minutes later, they got a
call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as
a banana."
 
Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across
from the coffee shop.  And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was
also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the
dispatcher playing a joke on them.  So they continued on enjoying
their coffee break.
 
At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat,
Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Realizing
it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30
seconds after the banana split.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 07:06:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Coma Babies
 
A pregnant woman from Washinton D.C. gets in a car accident and
falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer
pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.
 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother from Maryland came in and named them."
 
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
 
"Denise."
 
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
 
"Denephew. "
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 09:36:08 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to rednecks>
 
Redneck pick-up line:
"The fact I'm missing mah teeth just means
    they's more room fer yer tongue."
          ----------------------------
 
Q: How's a redneck tell the difference between
        a bull and a cow in the dark?
A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass...
      if there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
          ----------------------------
 
A redneck was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She
charged that he had called her a pig. They went to court, where
he was found guilty and fined.
 
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I cain't call Mrs.
Johnson a pig?"
 
The judge said that was true.
 
"Does this mean I cain't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with
no fear of legal action.
 
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."
          ----------------------------
 
Q: Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
A: The farm animals can't handle it.
          ----------------------------
 
Q: What do you call a redneck and his sister?
A: A marriage waiting to happen.
          ----------------------------
 
A big city woman married herself a southern hick and brought him to
the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got
them a hotel room, and as they were laying in bed she looked over
in the corner and saw a discarded condom,
 
"Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new
husband.
 
He craned his neck to see what it was, then looked at her and asked
"Wha's thet?"
 
"Why, it's a disgusting used sheepskin condom!" she replied.
 
"Don't they use them down in the south?"
 
"Yeah," he said, "but we don't skin 'em first!"
          ----------------------------
 
Q: What's the first thing a redneck does when his
     pickemup truck breaks down?
A: Builds a house.
          ----------------------------
 
Is there a point where one redneck will
 look at another and call him an idiot?
          ----------------------------
 
Mason-Dixon: Line that separates y'all from youse.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 08:46:58 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Work
 
                    ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK
 
12%  Monday
 
23%  Tuesday
 
40%  Wednesday
 
20%  Thursday
 
5%  Friday
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 10:13:03 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Taxes Arrive... (adult)
 
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him.  "So rabbi, tell me, please, after
you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with
the crumbs?"
 
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then
they make bread of them again and send it to us."
 
"Ah.  So what about candles after they are burnt?  What do you do
with the ends?"
 
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from
them and send them to us."
 
"And what about circumcision?  What do you do with those leftover
pieces?"
 
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
 
"To the city!?  And what do they send to you?"
 
"Today they have sent you to us."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 09:31:45 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Out of school too long <clean>
 
     You Know You've Been Out of College too Long When...
 
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
- You carry an umbrella.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
   one.
- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
  and pregnancy test kits.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
  ho-ho's
- 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going
  to drink that much again'
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
   work.
- You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to
  a bar.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 13:47:54 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Definitely from the "B" list...  <Humor>
 
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were
going.
 
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make
any honey
 
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and
turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh
fruit."
 
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
 
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the
first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
 
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would
be."
 
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
 
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 16:06:28 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the ]-[indu $kepti" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Japan bombs New Mexico
         (Satire may be offensive to some with less sense of humor)
 
 
    Archivist's Note: Portions of this post missing. When
                      contributor sends corrected version,
                      it will be posted
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:43:10 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sample Resume - Part 1/2 <adult>
 
Objective
Find a job where the people I work with aren't all against me.
Also, I'd like to find a job where the boss doesn't pick on me. I'm
thinking of someday being my own boss. I want to make a lot of
money. I need some creative space so I can make things. I want to
have the extra time to enjoy the things I'm interested in, like
partying and seeing some bands. I'm a people watcher, and I'm
thinking about learning to play guitar. I just read a book that
describes how men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation.
I'd like some time to practice this.
 
Employment
a) Astro Gas, interection of Greely and Portland Blvd.
 
Employed: December 2 to December 22 1995
 
Responsibilities: I pumped gas, checked oil, and sold cigarettes
to motorists and the high school students that waited for the bus
there.
 
Reason for leaving: The boss and everyone had it out for me. The
bastards I worked with told my boss that I was stealing money from
the till, then they framed me for it. The boss was picking on me
for being late a few times, and got pretty uptight about me showing
up with booze on my breath. (It was a good damned thing that I'd
drank that whiskey right before I got to work; otherwise he would
have smelled the weed on my breath too. Hey, I wasn't kidding when
I said I liked to party, man.) He got mad because I sold cigarettes
to minors. I think that law is bull shit. He doesn't know what he's
talking about. He's an idiot. He wouldn't let me have time off for
Christmas so I can visit my brother. No one treats me that way.
He'll get whats coming to him. I'm telling you; that bastard is
going to pay.
 
b) Parr Lumber, Martin Luther King Blvd, Portland.
 
Employed: November 6 to November 22 1995.
 
Responsibilities: Take the broken pallets and make them into good,
usable ones. Got the door for the contractors. Swept the parking
lot and yard to keep it free of dangerous debris, like wet
cardboard, sawdust, and wood chips.
 
Reason for leaving: The boss would ride me about smoking and
talking to people walking by. I was doing Parr a customer service
deed by establishing good relations with the public. If you call
them they will tell you I made a lewd comment to a customer. That
ho is fulla shit. She flirted with me. She started it. My boss was
a dork from Vancouver. His daughter was foxy and he would get
uptight when I'd talk to her. He was infringing upon my
constitutional rights be telling me I couldn't smoke in the
warehouse because of "fire codes." Thats a bunch of crap. Everyone
knows that a cigarette couldn't burn down a whole warehouse. It was
just too big. He was an insensitive ass for not letting me have
Thanksgiving off to visit my brother. He also claims that he caught
me jerking off in the warehouse. I wasn't jerking off. I got a
sliver down there and was trying to get it out.
 
c) Burger King, Barbur Blvd, Portland.
 
Employed: October 20 to November 1 1995
 
Responsibilities: Cook and janitorial work. I took the 40 pound
frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart
with a screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen hammer and put them in
the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there
are two sizes, whopper and regular,) and put them into the
appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer.
It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor
underneath the tables where the cleaners couldn't reach with their
machines.
 
Reason for leaving: I came into work the day after Halloween and a
couple pigs were there and they told me I wasn't allowed to go in.
The manager came out and gave me my last check and told me I was
fired. I asked him what it was all about and he said I came in on
Halloween and started screaming and throwing things around and
shoved a lady up against the salad bar. That's a lie. I was
drinking with Ciccione in N.E. Portland. I was riding my brother's
Huffy (because my car was impounded for a bull shit DWI charge I
was framed on.) I don't think there is any way I could have got
from N.E. Portland to S.W. Portland on that bike in one night,
especially since I was so drunk. He hated me anyhow. I got more
dignity than that. So I punched the son of a bitch and the pigs
arrested me. That bald headed do gooder punk deserved it. He had
to have been lying. He said I was on a blackout. That's a lie. I
don't remember ever having a blackout. He got mad at me for
spitting on the paddies with with my buddy Rob. He said that that
was discusting and that he was really dissapointed. What a geek.
He didn't even see the humor in a harmless game of "burger
roulette."
 
     [To be concluded...]
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1999 to 30 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
