HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1999 to 29 Mar 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 359 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. Race Horse Blues
  3. 1234 (mature)
  4. The Year's Best Headlines <clean>
  5. Leisurely comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. A Modern Bible Story (Pun)
 
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Date:    Sun, 28 Mar 1999 02:40:40 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
Remember, if you missed or <shudder> deleted a Digest, they're
available (normally the same day the Digests are sent out) at:
    http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr   (text files)
    http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293   (zip files)
The complete 1996 Digests for Jan-May are there now.  All of
the 1997 and 1998 Digests have been there for some time. The
1999 Digests are posted there daily.
 
                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 21 Mar 1999 - 27 Mar 1999
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
1999               Mar     Mar     Mar     Mar     Last     This
Date   Day         1995    1996    1997    1998    Month    Week
 
 21  Sunday         14      12       8       9       8       9
 22  Monday         16      27      11      12      11      12
 23  Tuesday         6      29      16      15      11       9
 24  Wednesday      14      24      21      13       9      11
 25  Thursday       10      15      16      13      14       8
 26  Friday         12      18      15      11      10       8
 27  Saturday        4      12       8       5       6       7
 
   (Average)        11      20      14      11      10       9
 
Subscriptions    6,200   9,415  10,721   8,088   7,756   7,846
Countries           58      74      98     105     115     116
Contributors       448     776     841     685     588     581
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
     The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina,  Australia,  Austria,  Bahrain,  Bangladesh,  Belarus,
Belgium,  Belize,  Bermuda,  Bhutan,  Bolivia,  Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei,  Bulgaria,  Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica,  Croatia,  Cuba,  Cyprus,  Czech Republic,  Denmark,
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,  Finland,  France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,  Hong Kong,  Hungary,  Iceland,
India,  Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica,  Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea,  Kuwait,  Latvia,  Lebanon,
Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macau, Macedonia, Malaysia,
Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique,  Namibia,
Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway,
Oman,  Pakistan,  Panama,  Paraguay,  Peru,  Philippines, Poland,
Portugal,  Qatar,  Romania,  Russia,  Saudi Arabia,  Scotland,
Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname,  Sweden,  Switzerland,  Taiwan,  Thailand, Tanzania,
Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 116
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement)
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To Subscribe to the Humor List:
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To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects
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Subscribers need take no action when such a message is received.
 
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Archived Files:
Complete sets of UGA Humor Digests for Jan-May 1996 & 1997-1999,
with the "Subject" indexed for easy searching are found at:
 
[text format]    http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
[zip format]     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
Also on the CrossWinds page, a section is maintained to list any
member's Home Page.  The categories are "humor" and "Misc".
Please e-mail jimjr@qis.net with your request to be listed.
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Message Board:
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
           http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
UGA Club:
Assuming enough people participate, this could be a fun activity
for all members.  Yahoo has provided space for "clubs".  The page
includes a message board, list of contacts, photo section, chat,
and a calendar. You must join Yahoo Clubs to use the service:
           http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
 
Neither site is intended as a place to leave messages or questions
for the ListOwners; nor are they an alternate site to post jokes,
but places for messages intended for the entire membership. Both
sites provide free publicity and exposure for our List.
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And now for a contribution of humor:
 
   At their weekly Staff Meeting, the MicroSoft VP in charge of
sales announced: "We're now selling a product every three minutes."
   "That's not enough." said Bill.
   The VP somewhat astonished at the boss' remark after presenting
what he thought was a glowing report asked what was expected.
   Bill calmly replied, "It was once said that there's a sucker
born every minute.  Your job is to simply locate them."
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:36:00 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Race Horse Blues
 
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a
little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a
mare.
 
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the
glue factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the
operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious
racing career.
 
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he
actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before
getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling
back to the starting gates.
 
"What's the matter?"  asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
 
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five
thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Mar 1999 16:48:24 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 1234 (mature)
 
After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable
to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is
all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.
 
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as
to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist
refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure
this." He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with
billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says  "This is a powerful
healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is
say "123" and it will rise as long as you wish!"
 
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1234"
and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a
year!"
 
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123",
and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says
"What did you say "123" for?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 29 Mar 1999 09:55:08 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Year's Best Headlines <clean>
 
* Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
 
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
* Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
 
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
 
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
 
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 
* Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
 
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
 
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
 
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Mar 1999 23:12:23 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Leisurely comments & questions about contemporary life
 
Actual classified ad: "Help wanted. Need person to keep shop clean.
Must have skills in cutting wood with driver's license."
 
My office is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
 
Sometimes, research amazes me. They did an intensive study on
families and found out that distressed parents have distressed
children.
 
I'm going to sue the Waffle House for sexual harassment. The
waitresses keep calling me honey.
 
Warning: The surgeon general has determined that cigars can be
hazardous to your political career.
 
Radio talk show hosts: The Clinton scandal is over. Find another
topic!
 
As an elementary school principal, I do not understand why I can't
get any funding from the Legislature for a school counselor, but if
the governor has his way, I will be able to get funding for an
armed guard.
 
If airline pilots are paid in proportion to their egos, they are
definitely undergpaid.
 
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
Today, my preacher said that God is always with me, even in
traffic. If that's so, can I use the HOV lane any time now?
 
I've finally had it... I'm going to tell the next person who asks
how I really feel!
 
To my co-worker who wore her slip to work Friday, I think you are
taking dress down day too far!
 
I just filed my tax return. I feel a little more confident because
perjury doesn't seem as important this eyar.
 
Regarding the global economy, if we go to war with Germany again,
will Chrysler make tanks for us or them?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Mar 1999 21:57:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Modern Bible Story (Pun)
 
And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham.
And God said to him, "Avraham!"
 
And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am."
 
And God said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 and
install upon it an operating system, a new operating system,
Windows 98 which I will show to you."
 
And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He
loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he
took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son.

And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there
to find Windows 98.
 
Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 98
from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the
ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 98 on our
286, and come again to you"
 
And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid
it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.
 
And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, "My father."
 
And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son."
 
And Yitzchak said, "Windows 98 requires far more memory than a 286
has. How will it possibly run on your machine?"
 
And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he
shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with Unswelrving
trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Yitzchak my
son, ... God will provide the RAM."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1999 to 29 Mar 1999
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