HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1999 to 28 Mar 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 309 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Wright from the Archives
  2. Redneck In College
  3. T-Shirt Sayings (mature)
  4. Two fer One (adult)
  5. Its a Wacky World! #61
  6. Opinionated questions & comments about contemporary life
  7. PUNY Riddles of the Week
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 03:33:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Wright from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Sun, 21 May 1995 07:32:08 -0400
        From:    Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
        Subject: Steve Wright jokes
 
 
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.
  My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
 
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
  "Did you sleep well?"
  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
 
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
  on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
  could only stutter in Spanish.
 
- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
  It's just when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
 
- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
  go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
  instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.
 
- I was reading the dictionary.
  I thought it was a poem about everything.
 
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
 
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
 
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
  I keep it on the beaches of the world - perhaps you've seen it.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 07:02:41 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Redneck In College
 
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their
only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns,
a mustache, and a goatee.  When his facial hair was luxurious
enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it
home with a note that read: "Do you like the photo? Do you think
it makes me look like a count?"
 
"You idiot!"  His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a
fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 09:43:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: T-Shirt Sayings (mature)
 
               Women's T-Shirt sayings
 
* Don't piss me off!  I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Guys have feelings too.  But like...who cares?
* I don't believe in miracles.  I rely on them.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* I hate everybody, and you're next.
* Please don't make me kill you.
* And your point is...
* I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
* I'm busy.  You're ugly.  Have a nice day.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
* Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
* You KNOW you want me.
* Don't worry.  It'll only seem kinky the first time...
* Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
* Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
* I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
* Do NOT start with me.  You will NOT win.
* You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
* I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Sorry if I looked interested.  I'm not.
* If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
* Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 09:24:21 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Two fer One (adult)
 
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on
a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for
her.
 
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he
suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the
bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any
more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he
will detect it upon his return home.
 
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is
reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl.
 
The bowl is full of butter....
               =============================
 
If you're having your period, and you have a cat, don't let him see
that string on the tampon!  My sister did that. I didn't have my
hearing aid on, and she was in the back of the house. I HEARD HER!
 
I thought I was healed!
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 18:57:18 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #61
 
            Store clerk assaulted with lollipop
 
ANDOVER,MA. -- A convenience store clerk was assaulted with a
lollipop after refusing to sell cigarettes to a youth. The store
clerk told officers two men entered the store and asked for
cigarettes.
 
One of the men provided identification and was sold a package of
cigarettes. The other man did not have any proof of his age and the
clerk said he refused to sell cigarettes to him.
 
The clerk told police the man became upset and threw a lollipop at
him, then threw some magazines at him before leaving the store.
 
The men left in a car moments before officers arrived. Police
checked the area but were unable to find the car or the men.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Copyright 1999 Eagle-Tribune Publishing
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 23:04:33 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Opinionated questions & comments about contemporary life
 
Spring brides: Be sure to settle important issues before taking
your voews, like should the toilet paper roll out from the top, or
the bottom?
 
Seen on a bumper: My President fooled around with your Honor
Student.
 
Why do they advertise guarantees on caskets? Who is going unearth
it to check for defects?
 
I did some "professional" shopping with my mother and sister last
weekend and saved so much money it will take me a year to pay it
all off.
 
Ford's announcement of their new 19-foot Excursion "urban assault
vehicle" shows their faith in the belief that no one has gone broke
underestimating the American consumer.
 
The real reason pilots are paid so much: With 16-plus days off each
month, we need to be able to afford to play golf, ski and travel.
 
My husband wears the uniform of the underpaid. It is called a
police uniform.
 
I used to worry that the far left would give away everything I had.
Now, I'm terrified that the far right will take away all my rights.
 
If Rock Hudson had married Gomer Pyle, his name would have been
Rock Pyle.
 
I just hate it when people are repetitively redundant over and over
again.
 
Sign seen in dentist's office: Drill `em, fill `em and bill `em.
 
I don't mind living in the fast lane. It's life in the emergency
lane that I hate.
 
My cable company reminds me to a sports score: Media One, Customer
zero.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent/
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Mar 1999 22:13:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles of the Week
 
141. You could say that people are afraid of getting Cat Scratch
Fever have what?
 
142. Coming into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I was
amazed to discover my spice and herb jars walking in unison across
the counter in lockstep. Shocked at such behavior, I banished them
back to the spice rack. All but one meekly obeyed; that one herb
refused to give up its procession across my countertop.  Why?
 
143. What's the difference between (1) a gymnast and (2) a Public
Works employee working in icy conditions?
 
144. According to the Bible, who talked at the youngest age?
 
145. Who are the puzzled refugees who arrived in Miami floating on
multi-colored square plastic boxes?
 
Movie of the Week:
4. Debra Winger will narrate a serious nature documentary exploring
   the mystery of a caribou burial ground.
 
Book of the Week:
2. A noted poet reminisces about his cruise around the world in a
   new bright red ship.
 
 
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                        (Answers)
 
141. Claws-trophobia (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
142. Because Thyme Marches On (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
143. One does somersaults. The other winter salts. (By SRpunster)
 
144. Job. He cursed the day he was born. (By Stan Kegel)
 
145. Rubik Cubans (By Gary Hallock)
 
Movie of the Week:
4. Deers Of Internment (By Gary Hallock)

Book of the Week:
2. The Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam  (By Stan Kegel)
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1999 to 28 Mar 1999
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