HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1999 to 27 Mar 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 304 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Ayep...
  2. Two from the Archives
  3. Lobsters
  4. Virus Jokes (mature)
  5. Chop and Drop <adult>
  6. Just in Time for Tax Time in the U.S.
  7. Meanie
  8. The Sheep Farmer (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 02:15:02 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Ayep...
 
Q.  How does every ethnic joke start?
 
A.  By looking over your shoulder.
          ===========================================
 
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
 
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this
broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.
 
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.
 
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity
Stab Stab'".
 
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his
broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit
points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
 
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by
the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one
German soldier walking slowly toward him.
 
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.
 
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets
desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
 
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground,
and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 03:37:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Fri, 3 Nov 1995 09:01:07 -0500
        From:    Gwen Eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
        Subject: Malapropisms
 
- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- It was a case of love at Versailles.
- He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
- In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
- My sister has extra-century perception.
- A fool and his money are some party.
- All's fear in love and war.
- Nip it in the butt.
- Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
- To each his zone.
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
- It's a long road to hold.
- All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.
 
                --from Reader's Digest
                  December 1993
 
        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=
 
        Date:    Sun, 5 Nov 1995 10:33:23 -0500
        From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
        Subject: Fame vs Impatience
 
Long on egotism but short on cash, the young actor was trying to
talk his impatient landlord into waiting for the rent. "In a few
years," he said, "people will point to this apartment and say
'Jones the famous actor, once lived there.' "
 
"If I don't get my rent tonight," said the landlord, "they'll be
able to say it tomorrow."
        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=
 
Admin Note: On Tuesday, Mar 16, John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
            posted humor titled "Chili cook off judge".  It was
            written by W. Bruce Cameron (www.wbrucecameron.com)
            and copyrighted in 1996.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:21:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Lobsters
 
A Mainer was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell
overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't find her, so
he rowed back home.
 
Next day, his friend showed up at the dock  and said, "Clyde, I
found your wife.  She got tangled up in my trap lines and she's got
thirty lobsters sticking to her.  What should I do?"
 
"Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 07:06:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Virus Jokes (mature)
 
LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
                 e-mails everyone about what it did.
 
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte
 
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to
                      100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
 
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.
 
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer insert disks into your
                        computer
 
TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.
 
DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes goofey
 
PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.
 
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor files
 
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but
                              it'll be back.
 
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
 
VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:57:39 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Chop and Drop <adult>
 
Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC!
 
"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!"
Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!
 
Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that
headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next
time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong
way, or just upset them in general!!
 
MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!
 
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome)
could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your
chopped member in time and intact?? Could you be sure the penis
part they found was yours??
 
Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! *
 
Plan 1:
We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with their
own unique registration number, ensuring that in case of
separation, you will get a perfect match every time.

Plan 2:
Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your
penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a trailer-
tractor runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your
detached member for a chew toy.
 
Plan 3:
For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size
fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel jockstrap that can be
worn when necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will be activated
when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the
jockstrap. This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of
worry.
 
Don't get caught short...
        Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!
 
Remember... the dick you save could be your own!!
 
* PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.
 
          --via BawdyNet
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 10:24:01 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Just in Time for Tax Time in the U.S.
 
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the 
Netherlands flag.  "Our flag symbolizes our taxes,"  he said.
"We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax
bill, and blue after we pay them."
 
"That's the same with us,"  the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
 
          --from Kenn Wislander
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 21:15:41 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Meanie
 
A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are
walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie
says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you
just one."
 
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.
 
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
 
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I
want those two back in the office right after lunch."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 19:24:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Sheep Farmer (Pun)
 
A poor Australian sheep farmer migrated to Texas. Nearly bankrupt,
more misfortune befell when several of his lambs tumbled into large
vats of vegetable dyes reserved for the local Navajo weavers.
 
Fortunately for him, a wealthy woman who was passing by in her
Cadillac was enthralled by the sight of the colorful lambs
cavorting about and ordered a dozen for pets. Word soon spread of
her find and the Aussie could hardly keep up with the demand for
these unique "status symbols."
 
He soon became known as... the biggest lamb dyer in all of Texas!
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1999 to 27 Mar 1999
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