HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1999 to 26 Mar 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Male Mind
  2. Some Time-honored Truths
  3. Musings From Corporate America
  4. Gay... <adult! off. to gays>
  5. A bad joke and a good joke
  6. NICO Tampax (Adult)
  7. Drunken Follies <clean>
  8. The Wizard (Pun)
 
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Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 03:35:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Male Mind
 
* Husband to wife, as they take their four little monsters to
  visit some friends: "They're such nice people, it seems such
  a shame to accept their dinner invitation."
                           - - - - -
 
* Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late.
  She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident,
  or she's shopping.  OY !  I hope she's not shopping !
                           - - - - -
 
*   I was seated on one of those mall benches, enjoying a smoke,
  waiting for Mrs JimJr.
    As two ladies passed by, one said to the other, "You'd think
  SOME people would realize how dangerous second-hand smoke is."
    I smiled and replied. "Looks like I chose the safest method
  by inhaling it directly then, huh ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Tipping at resorts has reached a higher level I guess.  Mrs
  JimJr and I were at Hilton Head in South Carolina when I went
  to get a haircut.  Seated in the chair, I said to the barber,
  I guess a lot of famous people pass thru here."
    He pondered a moment or two, then replied. "No Sir, you're
  the first one all this week."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An elderly couple, straight off the farm, were visiting New
  York's fashion district.  The man couldn't help looking at
  the models in their short skirts and revealing blouses. His
  wife said, "Henry -- one would think you never saw a woman's
  legs or breasts before."
    "Odd..." he replied. "I was just thinking the exact same
  thing myself."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 06:10:45 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Some Time-honored Truths
 
 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
    people.
 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
    say it.
 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
 7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
 8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
 9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
    fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
    too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 07:05:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Musings From Corporate America
 
     Everything I Know I Learned In Corporate America
 
 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
    track.
 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
    preparation.
 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of
    communication.
 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real
    world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
    simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
    everybody.
16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
    to blame.
17. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
18. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
    serious.
20. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
    realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 08:00:21 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Gay... <adult! off. to gays>
 
Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 19; one to change it and 18 to make a documentary about it.
         -----------------------------
 
Q: What do homosexuals call other homosexuals that are too gay?
A: Frenchman!
         -----------------------------
 
Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
         -----------------------------
 
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, the gay man went to his
doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came
time to use them, the young man was afraid he would do it wrong.
So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his
legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his
penis became stiff and blocked his view.
 
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!"
         -----------------------------
 
Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.
         -----------------------------
 
 Male Lawyer: "Are you gay?"
Woman Lawyer: "Yes, I am a lesbian, but then again,
               you probably hear that a lot, don't you?"
         -----------------------------
 
Q: Pat Robertson, what's the best way to get to Paradise?
A: "Turn right and go straight."
         -----------------------------
 
Q: What's a lesbians favorite drug??
A: Sniffing crack.
         -----------------------------
 
Listeners of country radio station KMPS called to complain that
they found the use of the word "lesbian" in a public service
message offensive.
 
The station apologized for the offense and then played a song about
a guy who was in love with his horse.
         -----------------------------
 
Q: What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?
A: "You must be new around here."
         -----------------------------
 
Q: What do lesbians do when they're on their rag?
A: Fingerpaint!!
         -----------------------------
 
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
 
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
 
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.
 
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
 
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
 
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
 
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them
flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
         -----------------------------
 
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female def.: A woman who makes love to other women.
  Male def.: A woman who has sex with other women so men
             can watch and get really turned on.
         -----------------------------
 
Q: How can you tell if a woman is gay?
A: Smell her face.
         -----------------------------
 
My mother made me a homosexual.
Send her the wool and she'll make you one.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 12:11:41 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: A bad joke and a good joke
 
Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken
on a manual rotisserie.
 
A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man... the music
stopped, and your monkey's on fire."
         -----------------------------
 
The local fishwrapper last week reprinted an editorial, from
another paper, about marijuana and the writer's opinion that the
drug did not deserve the high praise it continues to receive for
its [highly contested] medicinal properties.
 
The editorial was entitled: No Paean to Pot
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 18:54:21 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: NICO Tampax (Adult)
 
Women can STOP SMOKING now
 
Nic-a-tampon lets you stop smoking conveniently and discreetly.
Just insert a 25 mg tampon in the morning and remove it at bedtime.
Your cravings for nicotine will be reduced, helping you break the
physical habit of smoking.
 
Ima Loesser of East Hogpen, Kansas wrote, "I was in a traffic jam
and really wanted a cigarette. When I used the patch, I was able to
just rip it off and light up.
 
But when I used Nic-a-tampon, I simply couldn't remove the tampon
on a four-lane highway without being arrested for indecent
exposure".
 
Get ur NIC0-A-TAMPON..
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Mar 1999 09:28:19 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Drunken Follies <clean>
 
* A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is
  between New York to Boston. "About 3 hours," says the conductor.
 
  "Okay," says the drunk, "then how long is the trip between Boston
  to New York?"
 
  The irate conductor says to the drunk, "It's still about 3 hours,
  man.  Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
 
  "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and
  New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to
  Christmas!"
              -----------------------------
 
* At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
  asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the
  clerk.
 
  About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding
  even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
 
  "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
 
  Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay
  the bar opins at?"
 
  The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,
  I can have room service send something up to you."
 
  "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 20:05:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Wizard (Pun)
 
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was
satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his
good nature, and would steal his parking spot.
 
This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard... Violators will be toad.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1999 to 26 Mar 1999
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