HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1999 to 25 Mar 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 530 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Medical Whirl
  2. Rules Of Washington
  3. If Men and Women Swapped Genitals (adult)
  4. Not Tonight...
  5. Teletubbies: Tinky-Winky, Laa-Laa, Po, Dipsy and Sue Sue Sue!
  6. Speaking Confusion
  7. All the IT industry's a stage (offensive to techies)
  8. The Man on the Train (Shaggy Dog Story)
  9. Viagra joke <bodily function>
 10. C'est La Vie? <clean>
 11. What if Dr. Seuss Wrote a Computer Manual!
 
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Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 04:05:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Medical Whirl
 
*   The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained
  consciousness. "Well Doc..." he asked, "tell me was the
  operation a success ?"
    "Sorry son." was the reply. "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor,
  I'm Saint Peter."
                           - - - - -
 
*   An old farmer, really tight with a dollar, stopped in to
  visit his doctor for the first time in many years.
    The doctor said, "It's a good thing you came in Abner,
  I've been wanting to see you."
    "Why ???" asked the farmer.  "Are you broke ???"
                           - - - - -
 
*   An aging Yuppette was overly concerned about her health and
  was always rushing to the doctor whenever she heard of a new
  disease.  She was trying to convince the doctor that she had
  an incurable malady she'd just read about.
    "My dear Lady." remarked the doctor. "In the first place if
  you did have Sericulturitis, you'd never know it. There is no
  pain or suffering, nor any symptoms whatever."
    "Just as I feared." said the Yuppette triumphantly. "Those
  are my symptoms precisely !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that
  there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their
  hospital.  As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming
  concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the
  Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due.
    Each time the Director would respond, "Some time in late
  September."
    Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again. The
  Director responded, "I have no idea Sir.  Norma Jeanne wasn't
  at the Christmas Party."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 06:23:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rules Of Washington
 
-- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
-- Don't lie, cheat or steal... unnecessarily.
-- There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
-- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
-- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
-- Chicken little only has to be right once.
-- "NO" is only an interim response.
-- You can't kill a bad idea.
-- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
      ever tried.
-- The truth is a variable.
-- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
-- You can agree with any concept or notional future option,
      in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
-- A promise is not a guarantee.
-- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 07:35:04 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: If Men and Women Swapped Genitals (adult)
 
     Top ten things men would do if they woke up and
               had a vagina for a day:
 
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
 8. See if they could finally do the splits.
 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...
       BEFORE closing time.
 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
       without sleeping first.
 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
       recorded on video.
 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
 
          And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do
             if they woke up with a vagina...
 
 1.  Finally find that damned G-spot.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
 
          Top ten things women would do if they woke up and
                         had a penis for a day:
 
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
 9. Get a blow job.
 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging
       orgasm.
 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it
       may seem.
 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
       funny as it looks.
 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
       occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to
       his member which causes two inches to be added to the final
       measurement.
 
          And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do
               if they woke up with a penis...
 
 1. Repeat number 9.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 08:40:10 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Not Tonight...
 
MrsPBen: Oh, come on.
    PBen: Leave me alone!
MrsPBen: It won't take long.
    PBen: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
MrsPBen: I can't sleep without it.
    PBen: Why do you think of things like this
     in the middle of the night?
MrsPBen: Because I'm hot.
    PBen: You get hot at the darnedest times.
MrsPBen: If you loved me I wouldn't have to beg you.
    PBen: If you loved me you'd be more considerate.
MrsPBen: You don't love me anymore.
    PBen: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
MrsPBen: (Sob-Sob)
    PBen: Oh, alright, I'll do it.
MrsPBen: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
    PBen: I can't find it.
MrsPBen: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
    PBen: There! Are you satisfied?
MrsPBen: Oh, yes, honey.
    PBen: Is it up far enough?
MrsPBen: Oh, that's fine.
    PBen: Now go to bed, and from now on when
          you want the window open, do it yourself!
  
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 13:10:36 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Teletubbies: Tinky-Winky, Laa-Laa, Po, Dipsy and
                      Sue Sue Sue!
 
Robert D. McFadden wrote the report in yesterday's (3-23-99)
The New York Times:  The Teletubbies are suing Wal-Mart.
 
Yes, the dust had barely settled from the furor over Tinky-Winky's
sexual orientation (Jerry Falwell says he's a gay role model) when
the fuzzy foursome faced a new challenge.  Seems Wal-Mart has come
out with a line of plush dolls called "Bubbly Chubbies."
 
The owners of the Teletubbies, Ragdoll Productions Ltd, and the
marketers of Teletubbies, Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Company, hauled
giant retailer Wal-Mart's buttsey-whattsey into court yesterday to
make Wal-Mart stop it, right now, I mean it!  At stake is a portion
of the $800 million the T-tubbies have separated from the parents
of toddlers.
 
In the suit Ragdoll and Itsy Bitsy note that "Bubbly Chubbies" even
rhymes with Teletubbies.
 
As Dorothy Parker wrote of A. A. Milne's "House at Pooh Corner"
"Tonstant weader fwowed up."
 
But, hey, Linda Tripp may be back in the news soon...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 12:43:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Speaking Confusion
 
One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they
don't speak the same language.
 
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
 
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
 
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.
 
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease
with an option to buy.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 12:37:39 -0800
From:    "Amy L. Ward" <amylward@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: All the IT industry's a stage (offensive to techies)
 
               All the IT industry s a Stage
     (a very bad parody of "All the World's a Stage"
      in cheap imitation iambic pentameter naugahyde)
                  by amylward@yahoo.com
 
All the IT industry's a stage
And all of the geeks merely players
They have their logins and their logouts;
And one geek in his time plays many roles,
His career path being seven ages.
At first the installer,
Reformatting hard drives in error.
And then the help desk drone, with his headset
And trouble tickets, studying and cramming
Endlessly toward an MCSE.  And then to PC support,
Crawling under desks, hacking batch scripts
Creating new viruses.  Then a LAN admin,
Full of packet layers and shrouded in mystery,
Overcertified, underpaid, and under appreciated
Performing endless password changes
Even with an master's degree.
And then the project leader,
With ulcerated stomach with good pizza lined,
With eyes bleary and a three day-old stubble,
Full of endless war stories and GANTT charts;
And so he plays his part.  The sixth role shifts
Into the WAN engineer,
With sniffer in hand and flashlight on side,
His youthful jeans, well saved, a world too small
For his bloated buttocks; and his gravelly voice
Turning again toward whining, Bill Gates
and salary issues in his sound.  Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is middle management and mere oblivion,
Sans power, sans life, sans appreciation, sans everything.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 15:07:19 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Man on the Train (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
I was raised during the depression before World War II. In those
days there was no such thing as non-stop cross-country air flights.
If you wanted to go back east, the train was the only comfortable
and reasonable way to go.
 
I remember when I was twelve years old. I had received all  A's on
my report card and my parents had promised that if I did well in
school that year, I could spend the summer with my grandparents in
Ohio.
 
So they got me a ticket on the Western Pacific for a trip from Los
Angeles to Akron. Of course we could not afford a compartment or
berth, so they purchased a ticket for the cheapest seat, on the
caboose, the last car of the long passenger train.
 
I boarded the train and found an empty seat. A few minutes later, I
was joined by an old man, at least in his fifties, very neatly and
precisely dressed. He sat down in the seat directly across from me.
The long trip started with only the two of us in the caboose car.
 
Across his knees he carried a briefcase upon which he nervously
drummed his fingers. Since he looked to be rather an angry sort of
man, I didn't want to start a conversation.
 
Presently, the man opened the briefcase and took out two paper
napkins, a pocket knife and an apple. Carefully, he peeled and
cored the apple. He placed all the peelings and the core on one of
the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his
briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the
coach. By craning my neck, I was able to watch him move out onto
the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of
peelings onto the tracks.
 
When the man returned he dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the
briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled and
cored apple, carefully cut it into thin slices, placed the slices
onto the second napkin and made a similar neat parcel. To my
amazement he then repeated his routine. He moved to the end of the
coach and threw the parcel onto the tracks.
 
When he returned, he picked up his briefcase, took out two more
napkins and an orange which he began to peel. He placed all the
peelings on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat
parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and
walked to the end of the coach. i watched him move onto the little
platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peel onto
the tracks.
 
The man returned to his seat, dusted his hands, sat down and lifted
the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled
orange, and carefully separated it into separate sections. Then he
cut each section into three equally sized pieces being careful that
the cuts were evenly placed. When he was finished, he carefully
placed the slices onto the second napkin and made another neat
parcel. He again got up, moved to the end of the coach and onto the
little platform at the end of the car and threw the parcel of
oranges onto the tract.
 
A little later, the man again opened his briefcase & took out two
paper napkins and a banana. Carefully he peeled the banana. He
placed the banana peel carefully on one of the two napkins and
folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one
side, stood up, and again walked to the end of the coach. As I
watched, he moved onto the little platform at the end of the car
and throw the parcel of banana peel onto the tracts.
 
He then proceeded to sit down in his seat, pick up his briefcase
and carefully place it on his lap. He removed the peeled banana
picked up his knife and carefully cut it into thin slices. When
this was completed, he carefully placed the banana slices onto the
napkin, folded it carefully, got up and walked to the platform at
the end of the care where he repeated his routine of throwing the
parcel onto the tracks.
 
He returned to his seat, rested for a few minutes and then again
picked up his briefcase and placed it onto his lap. This time he
took out three napkins and unfolded them. He then took a bunch of
green grapes out of his briefcase. He proceeded to remove each
grape from its stem, being careful not to leave any remnants of the
stem attached. He then proceeded to place all the stems carefully
onto the napkin, fold the napkin into a neat parcel, get up and
repeat his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.
 
When he returned, He again picked up the briefcase and took out the
grapes. He then proceeded to carefully peel each grape separately
being careful that no part of the skin remained on any of the
grapes. When he was finished, he placed all the peels onto the
second napkin, and repeated his routine of throwing the peels, now
wrapped into a neat parcel onto the tracts.

He returned to his seat, picked up his briefcase, placed it
temporarily onto his lap, and removed the peeled grapes. He then
proceeded to carefully cut each grape precisely in half. When this
was done he neatly placed the cut grapes onto the third napkin,
wrapped it into a small parcel and proceeded to get up, walk to the
platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of grapes onto
the tract.
 
He returned to his seat, sat back and thought for a few moments and
then reached down, placed his briefcase on his lap and this time
removed a large peach.
 
At last I could contain myself no longer and had to ask the man
what he was doing.
 
"I'm making a fruit salad," said the man.
 
"Then why do you keep throwing it away?" I asked.
 
"I should think that was obvious," snapped the man, "I'm throwing
it away because... I don't like fruit salad!"
 
          --by Stan Kegel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 19:39:02 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Viagra joke <bodily function>
 
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
 
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem.  How many do you want?"
 
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4
pieces."
 
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
 
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for
sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.  I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Mar 1999 09:37:00 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: C'est La Vie? <clean>
 
Esther Cohen had three very active boys.  One summer evening she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of
the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She
slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a
neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
 
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye
and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had
to rest all day".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 21:08:15 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: What if Dr. Seuss Wrote a Computer Manual!
 
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
 
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-click icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
  
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory & you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.
 
          --thanks to Jim Byrne
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1999 to 25 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
