HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1999 to 24 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 574 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Flame Form <offensive to NewsGroup posters>
  2. Driving Hymns...
  3. It's All In The Interpretation
  4. A Couple of Smiles
  5. Kids... Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Shoot 'Em!
  6. New Classical CD Releases
  7. Armstrong and Nixon
  8. Surd-Times: Miscellany <clean>
  9. Some Short Tails (Puns)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 03:40:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Flame Form <offensive to NewsGroup posters>
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Sat, 15 Jun 1996 19:01:46 -0400
        From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
        Subject: Flame Form Letter (off to newbies) 2/2
 
 
[ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources:
    [ ] Golden Books          [ ] Talk Soup    [ ] SNL News
    [ ] Oliver Stone          [ ] Hard Copy    [ ] Inside Edition
    [ ] National Enquirer     [ ] The Sun      [ ] NY Post
    [ ] The Union Leader      [ ] Pravda       [ ] OMNI Magazine
    [ ] Company Marketing Hype                 [ ] The Simpsons
    [ ] unidentified stupid person             [ ] Microsoft
    [ ] unidentified stupid publication
    [ ] Other:
 
In the future, you may wish to:
 
[ ] keep the "welcome" message you received when you joined
[ ] allow boring and useless threads to die
[ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded
[ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net
[ ] remember that the Internet is multinational
[ ] consider others may know more about certain subjects than you
[ ] exercise some humility
[ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to
[ ] lurk without posting a few days to learn the forum of a group
[ ] take personal discussions or stupid/boring threads to email
[ ] get used to being mocked
[ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmaceutical experiments
[ ] join your people on your planet of origin
[ ] remove the pipe from your nether regions
[ ] buy a firey lakefront plot in the Hell you so richly deserve
 
I would like to suggest that, for the common good, you:
 
[ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post
[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group
[ ] learn to use the 'kill' command to eliminate erroneous posts
[ ] post only to alt.dev.null
[ ] respond to threads after reading all new messages in the thread
[ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post
[ ] shop for clues at a better clue shop
[ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup
[ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup
[ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool
[ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems
[ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet
[ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:
      [ ] patience            [ ] tolerance           [ ] caution
      [ ] common courtesy     [ ] succinctness
      [ ] vocabulary          [ ] higher brain functions
      [ ] Other:
 
Please save this message and review it occasionally to determine
your progress toward being:
 
[ ] a useful member of Internet society
[ ] a less annoying member of Internet society
[ ] a human being
[ ] a fully-functional human being
[ ] a tolerable poster
[ ] integrated into humanity
[ ] re-integrated into the wild
[ ] Other:
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
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     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 02:52:28 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Driving Hymns..
 
     For those of you who drive, if you must speed,
          please sing these hymns:
 
45 mph:        "God Will Take Care Of You"
 
55 mph:        "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah"
 
65 mph:        "Nearer My God To Thee"
 
75 mph:        "Nearer Still Nearer"
 
85 mph:        "This World Is Not My Home"
 
95 mph:        "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
 
Over 100 mph:       "Precious Memories"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 06:20:05 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: It's All In The Interpretation
 
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n.
Female:  The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
         psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
         in a relationship.
  Male:  Food, sex and beer.
 
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female:  Any part under a car's hood.
  Male:  The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
 
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female:  The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the
         upper levels in business.
  Male:  What would really be great at work since that hot babe
         took over the office one flight up.
 
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female:  Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
  Male:  Playing ball without a cup.
 
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female:  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
         partner.
  Male:  Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
         weekend with the guys.
 
BUTT (but) n.
Female:  The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
         makes "look bigger."
  Male:  The organ of mooning (and flatulence).
 
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female:  A desire to get married and raise a family.
  Male:  Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
         girlfriend.
 
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female:  A good movie, concert, play or book.
  Male:  Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
 
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female:  An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
  Male:  An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
         male bonding.
 
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female:  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  Male:  What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
 
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female:  A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  Male:  A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
         minutes.
 
TASTE (tayst) v.
Female:  Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to
         make sure it's good.
  Male:  Something you must do to anything you think has Gone
         Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out.
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Note:
Reference my "Bill Gates" post and info on the individual cited in
the piece, Evan Marcus.   http://www.quuxuum.org/~evan/bgnw.html
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 06:59:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles
 
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that
she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and
had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way
home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone.
 
The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share
the good news with. "Sir", she said, "I just received the best news
you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll
bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about
being pregnant.
 
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said
he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He
stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his
hens had layed eggs. "I was so happy", he added, "but
confidentially, I changed cocks."
 
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
               ================================
 
Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college and
become great friends. During college, they had a great time.
 
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of
it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate
way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the
street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the
conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for
work. "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
 
"That doesn't sound like you.  During college, you were always the
one looking for excitement."
 
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the
friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in
a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the
bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him
out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a
good swat... You want to talk about excitement.  I WAS IN THE WRONG
ROOM!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 07:49:45 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Kids... Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Shoot 'Em!
 
There was a 5-year-old boy who embarassed his bridge-playing mother
when he loudly announced, "I want to go to the toilet."
 
Mom reprimanded: "Don't say toilet... Whisper!"
 
That night the youngster tiptoed into his parents' bedroom and
tugged on his dad's arm.
 
"Whatcha want?" his sleepy father asked.
 
"I wanna whisper!" the boy said urgently.
 
"Oh, all right then... just whisper in Daddy's ear."
               -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
 
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle
from one of the back pews. The little boys mother was horrified!
She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked, "Whatever
made you do such a thing?"
 
The little boy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to
whistle... And He just then did!"
               -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
 
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his
mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles
and curly hair?"
 
"That's your father."
 
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 11:06:38 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: New Classical CD Releases
 
(permission to exceed 99-line limit granted by list owners)
 
 
           RECENT CLASSICAL MUSIC CD RELEASES
 
Beethoven: "Erotica" Symphony
Telephon 1-900-453-5646
Amsterdam Concertgeboom Orchestra
Bernard Hijinks, conductor
 
Beethoven: Infidelio
Endive 647876
Chorus and Orchestra of the Vienna State Opera
       for the Criminally Insane
Kari Rictus, conductor
  
Berlioz: Harlots in Italy
Seraglio 1648
William Pimpnose, viola
Montmarte Philandermonique de Chambre
Nikolous Hardoncourt, conductor
 
Bloch: Schlemiel
Epic 1-989
Mischa Mainsqueeze, cello
Cantspell Czech Philharmonic Orchestra
Vladimir Ashcanausea, conductor
 
Debussy: La Merde
Nosuch II 455
Academy of Prince Albert in the Can
Sir Colin Divot, conductor
 
Gershwin: Rhapsody in Puce
Odium 288
MTV Symphony Orchestra
Leonard Sideburns, conductor
 
Liszt: Les Quaaludes
Angle DS 847569
L'Orchestre de la Swiss Fromage
Karl Boom, conductor
 
Mendelssohn: Accidental Music to "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
Capitalist 3777
Bathroom Festival Orchestra
Daniel Barenbomb, conductor
 
Mendelstotter: Peace March of the Priests
Deutsche Gestalt Gemxtlichkest 3330-676f
Stxttgart Chamber of Commerce Orchestra
Raymond Leper, conductor
 
Mozart: The Magic Schoolbus
Argyle ML 34277
Chorus and Orchestra of the Royal Opera House Covert Garden
Sir Adrian Dolt, conductor
 
Mozart: Symphonie Disconcertante
Enigma 67580
Anne-Soapy Mutter, violin; Pamela McCuddles-Edelweiss, viola
The Fitzwilliam Hippocampus Consortium of Miami University
Akira Nintendo, conductor
 
Offenbach: Orpheus in his Underwear
Erratum STU 77080
I Solisti de Zig Zagreb
Loren Mazeltov, conductor
 
Orff, Carmina Piranha
Douche Gramphon 7201-75
Academy of St. Christopher on the Dashboard
Sir Neville Marinara, conductor
 
Purcell: Trumpet Involuntary
Serigraph S 64749
Winton Veal Marsala, trumpet
Disneyland Wind Ensemble
Wilhelm Fahrtwangler, conductor
 
Respighi: Ancient Errors and Dunces for the Lout
Telefunk CX3 42256
Dumbarton Oaks Chamber Pot Orchestra
Rafael Freshbatch de Burgers, conductor
 
Respighi: The Mountains of Chrome
Turnover TVA 64784
Eastman Kodak Symphony Orchestra
Howard Handsome, conductor
 
Respighijklmnoops: The Pines of Sol
Archaic DT 9477356
Halley's Comet Orchestra
Sir John Barbarian, conductor
 
Rimsky-Of-Korsakov: Le Coq au Vin
Turnoff TWA 503472
Vienna Volkswagon Orchestra
Richard Boingg, conductor
 
Sherbet: Unfurnished Symphony
Deutsche Gewurztraminer Gazelleschaft 8988
New York Philanthropic Orchestra
Earnest Answer-man, conductor
 
Shostakovich: Concerto #1 for Piano and Strumpet
Decadence 95648
Zoltan Coccyx, piano; William Hips, strumpeter
Bidetfest Symphony Orchestra
Wetold Loutaslapstick, conductor
 
Smetana: The Battered Broad
Argot ZPG 746
Barbarian Radio Orchestra
Hanns Upp, conductor
 
Stravinsky: The Firebug
Arson Nova 911
Manuel de Falla Society Orchestra
Krrysstof Paindernecki, conductor
 
Tacobell: Cannon in D
Megaphon 3455 34
English Bedchamber Orchestra
Claudio Abbadabbadoo, conductor
 
Tchaikovsky: Tobacco Variations
Panatela 4655
Bert Phillips-Morris, cello
The Philadelphia Tabernacle Strings
Eugene Mormondy, conductor
 
Tchaikovsky: Marche Slob
His Master's Vice ARSE 8574
London Pandemonic Orchestra
Michael Teeter-Totter, conductor
 
 
          --from a former classical music DJ
            at a Public Radio station in the U.S.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 11:53:52 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Armstrong and Nixon
 

               (Great story, supposedly true)
 
Louis Armstrong was flying back from Europe, and on the same plane
was then-Congressman Richard Nixon. Nixon was apparently a fan of
Louis and they chatted throughout the flight.
 
When they arrived in New York, Louis said to Nixon, listen I'm an
old man and I've got all this stuff to carry, why don't you carry
my trumpet for me and help me out?
 
And that is the story of how Richard Nixon carried Louis
Armstrong's stash of weed through customs at the New York airport.
 
          --from Phil Cunneff
            Jazz Programmers Mailing List
            Internuts Digest 1.182
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Mar 1999 09:55:20 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Surd-Times: Miscellany <clean>
 
* The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa singh "Santa Darling, if we
  get engaged will you give me a ring?"
  "Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"
 
* A Sardarni went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you
  identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
  The Sardarni opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into
  it and said, "Yes, it's me and I'm alright."
 
* Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed,
  "I heard you are dead."
  "But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.
  "Impossible," said Santa Singh. "The man who told me is much more
  reliable than you."
 
* Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and
  asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
  "Yes, of  course," said the doctor, "why not!"
  "Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy,
  "I have been illiterate for so long."
 
* Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving.
  Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The
  judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order,
  order."
  Santa immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll
  have a scotch and soda."
 
* Court scene: [Santa and Banta Singh are lawyers]
  Santa: You're a fool
  Banta: And you're a damn fool.
  Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can
         we now proceed with the case?
 
* The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
  Santa Singh kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Santa
  Singh, Is this what I pay you for?"
  Santa Singh coolly replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
 
* His wife phoned Banta Singh in the office and said:
  "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for
   dinner."
  "Good" replied Banta Singh, "make sure she's prepared well".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 20:20:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Some Short Tails (Puns)
 
The couple had owned a Cadillac, and when it was time to replace
theold car, the wife insisted on a new car just like the old one,
but the husband, who was holding out for something sportier,
wouldn't even listen to her and insisted, "See no DeVille, hear no
DeVille, speak no DeVille..." 
 
          --By Cynthia MacGregor
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".
 
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute - how come you
called God 'Harold'"?
 
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in
church. You know the prayer we say... "Our Father, who art in
Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Nick's Cafe was having a bad year. So, to boost profits, Nick
decided to sell small packets of coffee which he introduced as
Nick's 100% Gourmet Ground. To cut cost, he included chicory and
was sure that no-one would notice.
 
Big Hoss came by one day and bought some. After drinking the brew,
he was hospitalized due to a severe reaction to chicory. Once
recovered, Hoss went to see his lawyer. After telling his story,
the lawyer asked him if he still had the remains of the coffee. But
alas, Hoss did not.
 
The lawyer refused to represent Big Hoss as...  they didn't have
the grounds for a good legal case.
 
          --by Wuga Buga
 
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space
colony. At first only people would be sent to the station, followed
by vegetation, then animal life. The first animal to be sent up
will be the cow, since it can provide milk for the babies born on
the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of
cattle... It will be the first herd shot around the world.
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Aged Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about
her constipation.
 
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
 
"I see. Have you done anything about it?"
 
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in
the morning and again at night."
 
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
 
"Naturally," she answered... "I take a book."
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Last night I went to the supermarket to buy matzoh, and saw
something new. It was Bran Matzoh....
 
On the box was written... "Let My People Go."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1999 to 24 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
