HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1999 to 23 Mar 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Flame Form <offensive to NewsGroup posters>
  2. 10 Commandments of Love
  3. Southern Belles (mature)
  4. The Maid <mature>
  5. Language
  6. Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
  7. Dog Haiku (Bodily Functions)
  8. Gotcha
  9. The Wisdom of Youth
 10. A Klaus Call (Pun)
 11. The Decision <clean>
 12. Irish Joke
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 03:19:15 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Flame Form <offensive to NewsGroup posters>
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Fri, 14 Jun 1996 07:21:26 -0400
        From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
        Subject: Flame Form Letter (off to newbies) 1/2
 
Dear

[ ] sir        [ ] clueless   [ ] big man on campus
[ ] madam      [ ] dweeb      [ ] twerp
[ ] Elvis      [ ] moon beam  [ ] boor
[ ] citoyen    [ ] Geek       [ ] grad student
[ ] Liberal    [ ] comrade      [ ] Conservative
[ ] Dilbert    [ ] Dogbert    [ ] Ratbert
[ ] twit       [ ] cur        [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer
 
You are being gently flamed because:
 
[ ] you sent a message to the list rather than the list-sever
[ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
[ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread you just posted to
[ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, mindless threads
[ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities
[ ] you advocated Net censorship
[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
[ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid '$250 Cookie Recipe' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic-weight loss article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid 'fix Your Credit' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning.
[ ] you threatened others with physical harm
[ ] you made a bigoted statement(s)
[ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted intellectual superiority
[ ] you are under the misapprehension this group is your preserve
[ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor
[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack
[ ] you responded to an obvious troll
[ ] you posted an obvious troll
[ ] you have a sig that is more than 5 lines long
[ ] you have a sig with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics
[ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet
[ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject
[ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ
[ ] you redundantly covered the same point over and over
[ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon
[ ] you crossposted excessively
[ ] you, in any way, make, shape, or form, agreed with Senator Exon
[ ] you posted the Good Times virus spread by e-mail message
[ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after
    60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote your post.
[ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a
    boy with cancer who is trying to break the guiness book record.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your
    addition was "I agree" or "Me too."
[ ] Barged into a quiet little news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever
    and started stinking up the place just because you read an
    article about the news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some
    magazine.
[ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff.
[ ] Repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris,
    Jamie, or  Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?"
[ ] you, in any way, make shape, or form, used the term(s)
    [ ] infobahn  [ ] Neutopia  [ ] synergy      [ ] warez
    [ ] SUX       [ ] wymyn     [ ] ROOLZ
    [ ] KEWL/KOOL/K0oL          [ ] information superhighway
    [ ] Other annoying term:
 
[ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup:
    [ ] hollow earth theory            [ ] alien President theory
    [ ] orbital mind control frisbees  [ ] faith healing
    [ ] government weather control     [ ] Russian psychics
    [ ] Squeaky Fromme                 [ ] the nation of France
    [ ] robot spy bees                 [ ] promiscuous space aliens
    [ ] Manos, the Hands of Fate       [ ] Other:
 
 
                        (concludes tomorrow)
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
    http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 00:54:27 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: 10 Commandments of Love
 
   I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before
      me.
 
  II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor
      badmouth me behind my back.
 
 III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy.  Or else.
 
  IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird.
 
   V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
      embarrassed to be seen with thee.
 
  VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK
      about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
 
 VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy
      bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance
      calls from my telephone.
 
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our
      friends.
 
  IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy
      neighbor's house.
 
   X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or
       daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
 
          --from JKmistress@aol.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 07:06:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Southern Belles (mature)
 
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City
and she was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's
mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them stories of
her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what
they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have
men there who kiss other men on the lips."
 
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
 
"They are called homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
 
"Oh my! Oh my!," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
 
"They also have women who there in New York City who kiss other
 women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they
 ask.
 
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
 
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New 
 York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
 
"Oh my Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their
 chairs and fan themselves even faster.
 
"What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
 
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught
my breath... I called him Precious."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 07:16:17 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Maid <mature>
 
A lady was quarreling with her maid, and the maid decided to tell
her some home truths "I'll tell you, madam" she said "That your
husband has told me himself that he thinks I am a better house-
keeper, cook and laundress than you are! AND he thinks I am
prettier. But that's not all - I am better than you in bed!"
 
"I suppose he told you that too" demanded the lady
 
"No" she replied "The gardener told me that!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 08:44:07 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Language
 
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a
sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the
cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.  "Now do you see why it's
important to learn a foreign language?"
         --------------------------------------------
 
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where
two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch
sprechen?" he says.
 
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
 
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?" The two continue to stare.
 
"Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes espanol?" Still
nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
 
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe
we should learn a foreign language..."
 
"Why?" says the other. "That bloke knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good!"
         --------------------------------------------
 
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can
communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
 
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?"
 asked a sarcastic member of the group.
 
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
 something like, 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'"
         --------------------------------------------
 
A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to
each other, discussing life as usual, when suddenly they hear a
"moo mooooooooooooooooooo!" They look around and see only sheep.
They carry on grazing as before.
 
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoooo!" One sheep can hear it all too
clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a
worried look on his face, and then asks "Wooley, why are you
mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
 
His friend replies gladly: " I know... I just thought I would learn
a foreign language!"
         --------------------------------------------
 
               Spelling trivia
 
If GH    stands for   P   as in   Hiccough
 
If OUGH  stands for   O   as in   Dough
 
If PHTH  stands for   T   as in   Phthisis
 
If EIGH  stands for   A   as in   Neighbour
 
If TTE   stands for   T   as in   Gazette
 
If EAU   stands for   O   as in   Plateau
 
The right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 09:17:09 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
 
When commercials break in, I become remote.
 
I've got just one word for those thousands of people who paid
$49.95 to see the Lennox Lewis v. Evander Holyfield fight: Suckers!
 
My grandfather would always say, "Always put something off until
tomorrow, one day you will die and get out of doing it."
 
I am starting to get offended by all of the people who get offended
so easily.
 
I think my co-worker had a bad day. He couldn't figure out why his
fax wouldn't go through until someone told him he was using the
copy machine.
 
When you draw a blank on something, what does that look like?
 
If Sherly Crow married Bob Barr, her name would be Sherly
Crow-Barr.
 
Sam Donaldson needs to have words with his makeup person. Those
eyebrows look horrible.
 
I am a seventh-grade teacher, which has convinced me I was very,
very bad in a former life.
 
My grandson asked how you get to heaven, and I said you have to be
good until you die. He replied that he didn't think he could be
good that long.
 
Monica Lewinsky is a vixen, not a victim. At first we couldn't get
her to talk, and now we can't get her to shut up.
 
Some men are from Mars, but my friend makes such a fool of himself
that he must be from Uranus.
 
How many roads does a man have to travel down before he admits he
is lost?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 09:41:39 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Dog Haiku (Bodily Functions)
         May Offend Cynophiles
 
     Dog Haiku (author unknown)
 
 I love my master;
 Thus I perfume myself with
 This long-rotten squirrel.
 
 I lie belly-up
 In the sunshine, happier than
 You ever will be
 
 Today I sniffed
 Many dog butts-I celebrate
 By kissing your face.
 
 I sound the alarm!
 Paperboy-come to kill us all-
 Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
 I sound the alarm!
 Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
 Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
 I sound the alarm!
 Meter reader-come to kill us all-
 Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
 I sound the alarm!
 Garbage man-come to kill us all-
 Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
 I sound the alarm!
 Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
 Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
 I lift my leg and
 Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
 Sniff this and weep
 
 How do I love thee?
 The ways are numberless as
 My hairs on the rug.
 
 My human is home!
 I am so ecstatic I have
 Made a puddle
 
 I hate my choke chain -
 Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
 Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
 
 Sleeping here, my chin
 On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
 Maybe catching cats
 
 Look in my eyes and
 Deny it. No human could
 Love you as much I do
 
 The cat is not all
 Bad-she fills the litter box
 With Tootsie Rolls
 
 Dig under fence-why?
 Because it's there. Because it's
 There. Because it's there.
 
 I am your best friend,
 Now, always, and especially
 When you are eating.
 
 You may call them fleas,
 But they are far more -I call
 Them a vocation
 
 My owners' mood is
 Romantic-I lie near their
 Feet. I fart a big one.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 13:32:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: GOTCHA
 
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with
a $100 bet on the side.  "But," said the duffer, "since you're
obviously much better than l, to even it a bit you have to spot me
two 'gotchas'."
 
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along
with it. And off they went.
 
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were
amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.  "What
happened?" asked one of the members.
 
"Well, "said the pro.  "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as
l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs
and grabbed my crouch while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried
to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 16:21:18 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Wisdom of Youth
 
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older.   After
preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier.
     --Angela Martin, age 11
 
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute.
     --Lisa Coburn, age 9
 
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard
work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes
every other day.
     --Nick Coleman, age 9
 
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if
they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl
and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took
that risk.
     --Bruce Wagner, age 13
 
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist.
But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
     --Megan, age 14
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 18:28:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Klaus Call (Pun)
 
I have to get out of here," screamed Father Klaus from the confines
of his tiny cell. "Please! Please! I can't stand it in here. I
can't breathe. Please, won't somebody help me before the walls
close in?" His pleading trailed off into the stale air of the
monastery's damp stone halls.
 
Outside the bolted door, Fathers Pietro and Alberto shook their
heads in pity. Father Klaus's condition had gradually worsened to
the point where it became necessary to lock him away every time he
had an attack.
 
They were reluctant at first but when he threatened to jump from
the belfry a few months ago, the monks were left with no choice.
Besides, none of them had any medical training so they would be
unable to help their unfortunate comrade.
 
Not that such training would have done any good. Father Klaus's
condition was more psychological than physical and thus, required
a completely different method of treatment. None of them felt
qualified to delve into the deepest caverns of his troubled psyche.
And Father Klaus always pulled through, seemingly none the worse
for wear.
 
"How long do you think it will last?" asked Father Alberto.
 
"It could go on for hours, or days, or it could stop this very
moment," Father Pietro answered. "The attacks vary in intensity and
duration so we'll just have to wait and see."
 
Inside the cell, Father Klaus began screaming again. "Get these
robes off me... get them off... I'm burning up. Doesn't anybody
understand, I just want to get out of this damn place. Please!
Please let me out."
 
"Poor devil," said Father Pietro. "He's hallucinating again. Last
time we had to remove all the prayer books and crosses from his
cell. He thought they had come to life and were trying to smother
him."
 
Father Alberto nodded in sympathy...  "That's the worst thing
about cloisterphobia, you don't know what's going to happen next."
 
          --by Terry Morrison
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Mar 1999 09:29:57 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Decision <clean>
 
As I was driving to work one rainy morning a most unfortunate
accident occured. You see, there was a small 10 year old boy
walking on the sidewalk who just happened to be in the path of
the huge mud puddle I had just hydroplaned through. He had a
tough decision to make, should he go to school all wet and muddy
or should he go home and change and probably be late for school.
 
So while he was thinking about it I drove by and splashed him
again!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 20:52:16 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Irish Joke
 
Q: What is green and spends all year outside.
 
A: Patty O'Furniture
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1999 to 23 Mar 1999
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