HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1999 to 22 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 435 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Obscene Caller (adult)
  2. Trio from the Archives
  3. Golfing Hitman
  4. Y2K
  5. Joltin' Joe - Clean but truly offensive
  6. Did You Ever Wonder???
  7. Offhand comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Insurance <clean>
  9. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
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Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 01:18:10 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Obscene Caller (adult)
 
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can
 guess  what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
 
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one
 hand, I ain't interested."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 03:21:39 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Trio from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Wed, 12 Jun 1996 22:29:51 -0700
        From:    Stephanie Vardavas <vard@WELL.COM>
        Subject: philosophy
 
Descartes walks into a bar, orders a martini.  He drinks it down.
 
The bartender says, "Another?"
 
Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.
     =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
        Date:    Fri, 14 Jun 1996 00:29:51 PST
        From:    Leonard Goldstein <lgoldstein@JUNO.COM>
        Subject: Another British-aristocracy limerick
 
I sat next to the duchess at tea.
It was just as I'd feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me.
     =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
        Date:    Sun, 16 Jun 1996 12:31:25 PST
        From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
        Subject: Assorted Humor
 
I was walking out of a supermarket recently, in some what of
a hurry, when asked by a petitioner to sign some petition. I
declined, saying I was in a hurry.
 
There was a man walking ahead of me who turned around & said
"There ougta be a law against dem annoying pollster folks!"
 
To which I replied: "And how do you propose to make it a law?"
 
And he replied with, "I dunno...  petition fer it, I guess.."
                        - - - - - - - - - -
 
Student: I don't have a pencil to take this exam.
 
Teacher: What would you think of a soldier who went into
         battle without a gun?
 
Student: I'd think he was an officer.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 06:47:01 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Golfing Hitman
 
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself,
asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then
look at the guy and say, "Sure."
 
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get
curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The
stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
 
The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag.
I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
 
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag
and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He
gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through
here! May I look?"
 
The hit man replies, "Sure."
 
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my
house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's
my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door
neighbor! And he's naked too!"
 
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would
be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull
the trigger."
 
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you
to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and
I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the
penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
 
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's
looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get
really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?
 
The hitman replies, "Just hold on... I'm a about to save you a
thousand bucks!"
 
          --thanks to Daryl Hillen
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 10:15:40 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Y2K
 
I have completed the 18 months of work on time and within budget.
I have gone through every line of code in every program in every
system. I have analyzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect
the change.
 
I am proud to report that I have completed the "Y2K" date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and
all data to reflect your new standards:
      Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
      September, October, November, December, as well as Sundak,
      Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
 
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me.  I understand it
is a global problem, and I was glad to help in any way possible,
but I still do not see what the year 2000 has to do with it.
 
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when
the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
 
I await your directions on that matter.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 14:39:57 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Joltin' Joe - Clean but truly offensive
 
What happens on May 1, 1999?
 
Joe DiMaggio will have been dead on 56 consecutive days.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 18:50:29 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Did You Ever Wonder???
 
* Why is it called "rush hour" when your vehicle barely moves?
* If Superman is so clever, why is his underwear on the outside?
* If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/day, 365 days/year, why are
  there locks on the door?
* You know how cartoons say, "Open Here." What are the chances of
  seeing someone that says, "Open Somewhere Else"?
* If it's a circular driveway, how do you get out?
* Why does sour cream have a "Use By" date?
* Why is it when you deliver something by car, it's called a
  shipment, and when you deliver it by boat, it's called cargo?
* Ho do the "Don't Walk On The Grass" signs get there?
* Why is it that cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is
  prohibited there?
* If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on
  their feet, what would happen if you strapped buttered toast on
  the back of a cat and dropped them both?
* When a cow laugs hard, does milk come out if its nose?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* Has anyone ever forgotten to ride a bicycle?
* Why do they call it a "garage sale" if the garage is not for
  sale?
* If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 20:28:34 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Offhand comments and questions about contemporary life
 
When I got married, I knew I had married Miss Right. I just didn't
realize her first name was Always.
 
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
 
My worst nightmare as a mother would be my 25-year-old son bringing
home Monica.
 
The hardest thing in America is not to be a finalist in the
Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.
 
I've been to dozens of parties, and I have never had to tell anyone
I was a pilot. Usually they could tell for themselves, by my
uniform.
 
How many airline pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just
one. They hold it in the air while the rest of the world revolves
around it.
 
Women chasers of the world (the WOWs), unite! The media is giving
our terrific reputation a bad name.
 
My dog keeps digging under the fence to run away. He's using his
escape claws.
 
I thought my girlfriend had lit a fire in my heart, but it turned
out to be heartburn.
 
Driving to work, I looked over and there's this man in a Mustang
going super fast with his face up next to his rear view mirror
shaving. Then he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I
almost dropped my eye liner pencil into my coffee.
 
I believe five out of our people have trouble with fractions.
 
I have always been a strong Saporta supporter.
 
I think Hillary's campaign slogan should be, "I've left Bill for
the Hill."
 
It doesn't matter how many screwdrivers you own, you will not be
able to find one when you need it.
 
I read in the paper about some guy wanted for a sexual battery
charge. That sounds promising. I need mine charged, too.
 
Beginning to a Northern fairy tale, "One upon a time..." Beginning
to a Southern fairy tale, "Y'all aint gonna believe this..."
 
At least Atlanta didn't cheat to get the 1996 Summer games. Billy
Paine just told them that the average temperature in Atlanta
(during July) in 74 degrees.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Mar 1999 09:35:38 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Insurance <clean>
 
Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the
Insurance company.
 
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my
money."
 
Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like
that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you
with a new one of comparable worth."
 
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my
husband."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 22:43:15 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
     In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
                Includes late night humor
 
WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians and
          those who associate with them, models. Mild language.
 
Monica Lewinsky is starting out on a worldwide book signing tour to
support her new autobiography, "Monica's Story". Or... you can get
the "Books On Tape" version, narrated by Linda Tripp.
(rec.humor.funny)
 
In her interview with Barbara Walters, Lewinsky said she wanted to
apologize to the whole country. The whole country... man, how man
married men did she have an affair with?  (Leno)
 
Lewinsky told Walters that "behind the name Monica Lewinsky,
there's a person... a family...". There's an agent... there's a
manager... there's an editor...  (Daily Scoop)
 
The interview lasted two hours. Two hours? That's more time than
Clinton spent with her.  (Miller)
 
Dan Quayle says he's running for president. He received
congratulatory telegrams from Jay Leno, David Letterman and Bill
Maher.  (Daily Scoop)
 
President Clinton announced the government had a record $76 billion
surplus. A lot of Democrats were urging him to spend that money on
aid to unwed mothers, or as Clinton calls it, "hush money." (Leno)
 
One third of Americans suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction,
according to a study published in the Journal of American Medical
Assn.  Another social problem President Clinton is hoping to
personally solve.  (Daily Scoop)
 
According to an ABC News poll, only 17% of kids say they'd like to
be president when they grow up. Most kids said they'd rather sleep
with the president and sign a huge book deal.  (O'Brien)
 
In Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura has a 72% approval rating. Imagine
how high his ratings would be if he had sex in his office!
 
The Army is creating rapid strike forces. They would be able to hit
anywhere in the world less than one hour after a presidential
scandal breaks.  (Daily Scoop)
 
The GOP is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Watergate Hotel.
You don't need an invitation. You just sort of sneak in.
(Daily Scoop)
 
The Navy has banned Furbies at its shipyards because they can
record conversations. They can ban a kids toy from government
property because it could accidentally record something, yet the
Pentagon hires Linda Tripp for $94,000 a year.  (Leno)
 
Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash. Police say
two factors contributed to the crash: (1) he lost control while
talking on a cell phone, and (2) this kind of crap always happens
to country singers.  (Daily Scoop)
 
The introduction of the new "security enhanced" Pentium III has
prompted Microsoft to change its slogan to, "We know where you went
today."
 
Hewlett Packard is splitting into two companies. The one that sells
computers and the one that puts you on hold and ignores you when
you call for technical support.
 
Harry Belafonte turned 72. his friends threw him a party, but when
daylight come, everybody go home.  (Miller)
 
Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies in
San Jose. No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be 4 feet
tall, have blue fur and live somewhere on Sesame Street.
 
Of course, the big story continues to be that bizarre creature with
the purple jumpsuit, carries a purse, the weird head gear... some
say he's gay... some say he's straight... you know who I'm talking
about... Dennis Rodman. At his news conference announcing his
joining the Lakers... was he crying? There's no crying in
basketball!  THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL!!!  (Leno)
 
A new study found that Prozac is effective in treating kleptomania.
In fact, they can't keep it on the shelf.  (Leno)
 
Leisure World retirement village residents have voted to
incorporate as a city. They also voted to adopt an official motto:
Our Children Never Call.
 
An African American family in San Bernardino is suing a McDonald's
claiming they were refused service. First Denny's, now McDonald's.
What does a black guy have to do to get a bad meal in this country?
(Leno)

In Wisconsin, police plan to dress like construction workers in an
effort to catch speeders. If this works, they are going to start
dressing like other members of the Village People.  (O'Brien)
 
Calvin Klein didn't renew Kate Moss' contract. She was so upset,
she couldn't throw up for a week.
 
Ford's new sport utility vehicle, the Excursion, is 19 feet long
and weighs 3 1/2 tons. Instead of cup holders, it comes with two
crew members and a beverage cart.
 
Reebok says they will lay off some 3,000 workers at its Indonesian
plants. That should save the payroll about $100.
 
Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of
light. Know how they do it? They take a beam of light, and they aim
it through a post office.  (Leno)
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1999 to 22 Mar 1999
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