HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1999 to 21 Mar 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 423 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Two from the Archives
  2. And The Winners Are...
  3. Church Football
  4. Disdainful comments & questions about contemporary life
  5. Stupid but funny jokes (Caution: Insensitivity)
  6. PUNY Riddles +
  7. Fixins (twister)
 
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Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 03:38:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Tue, 10 May 1994 06:58:54
        From:    Mike Tabat <mtabat@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
        Subject: Top Ten Names for the Rolling Stones' Tour
 
10. Van full of grandpas
 9. The Rolling Stones Live plus Keith Richards
 8. Guitar-playin' Geezers
 7. Brown Sugar and lots of bran
 6. Metamusic
 5. The "140 million in the bank isn't enough" tour
 4. Cocoon 3
 3. Hey!  You!  Get offa my Barcalounger!
 2. Instruments hooked up to the clapper tour
 1. Grumpy old men
 
                --from the Late Show with David Letterman
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
        Date:    Tue, 10 May 1994 09:54:07
        From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@QUESTS.COM
        Subject: Airport Humor
                 <off. to anyone owning an airport snack bar>
 
                FLIGHT DELAYED?  HOURS TO KILL?
          WHY NOT SPEND A PORTION OF YOUR LIFE AT...
             AKBAR AND JEFF'S AIRPORT SNACK BAR
     "WHERE THE ELITE MEET TO EAT REHEATED MEATY TREATS"
 
FEATURING:
  * Heavily breaded seafood sticks made with yummy Crabuluxe
  * Eggy scramblers with chunk-style baco-nibblets and hidden
    yolk packets
  * Grandma Akbar's old-fashioned extra-chewy non-baked fudge-
    like brownie squares
  * Hand-dipped non-dairy chee-zee nachos
  * Ultra-jumbo super-crunchy choco-chip cookies individually
    wrapped in plastic for your dining safety
 
         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
         ~ Relax and enjoy your meal in comfort at one ~
         ~   of our contoured plastic eating stations  ~
         ~   while watching planes refuel and little   ~
         ~            trucks drive around!!!           ~
         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  _______________________________________________________________
 | SOUP O' DU JOUR  | Served to you by dazed |3 DISTINCT FLAVORS|
 |                  | looking employees who  | OF SALAD DRESSING|
 |  Clammy chowder  | earn less per hour then|  * Tasty white   |
 |   packed with    | you will spend on your |  * Zesty orange  |
 |vitamin-fortified | airport snack          |  * Unique yellow |
 |    cornstarch    |                        |!It's your choice!|
 ----------------------------------------------------------------
 
     "WHEN YOU'RE STUCK AT THE AIRPORT, YOU'RE STUCK WITH US"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 06:58:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: And The Winners Are...
 
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks
one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They
bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
 
The following week, the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce.
 
Dick was the winner of the second prize - a 6 month supply of
extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
 
Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
 
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how
they were enjoying their prizes.
 
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
 
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
 
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 13:18:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Church Football
 
Quarterback Sneak
Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
 
Draw Play
What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
 
Halftime
The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to
leave
 
Benchwarmer
Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but
sit.
 
Backfield-in-Motion
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the
service.
 
Staying in the Pocket
What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's
work.
 
Two-minute Warning
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin
to gather up your children and belongings.
 
Instant Replay
The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
illustrations.
 
Sudden Death
What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes "overtime".
 
Trap
You're called on to pray and are asleep.
 
End Run
Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.
 
Flex Defense
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to
affect your life.
 
Halfback Option
The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the
evening service.
 
Blitz
The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 17:44:32 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Disdainful comments & questions about contemporary life
 

My boss is a techno-moron. He would actually believe me if I said I
caught a virus from my computer. Not only taht, he would spray the
computer with disinfectant.
 
I finally figured why my mother-in-law does not visit too often.
Her broom is not permitted in Hartsfield air space.
 
What surprises me most about Alabama's lieutenant governor vs. the
Senate story is that Alabama has a state constitution.
 
From my 4 year old son while traveling through Dawson county, "Dad,
how come those houses have wheels."
 
A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without
having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
 
I think its stupid, when my car gets stolen from my house and the
police finds it, gets it impounded and I have to pay $110 to get it
out.
 
Newspaper headlines all across the nation on Jan 1-2000 will read,
"World did NOT come to an end, nothing to the Y2K thing after all."
 
I think there really is something to this Y2K thing. Everyone seems
to be stocking up on Beanie Babies.
 
The Marines should bring their insult to justice full circle and
change the words in their theme song to "From the halls of
Montezuma to the slopes of It-a-ly."
 
Journalists: 99.9 percent of them give the rest of the profession a
bad name.
 
Why do people with bad breath turn down mints when you offer them?
 
What was used for comparisons before apples and oranges?
 
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
 
I saw a T-shirt advertised the other day I must order for my
husband. It says, "My thumb IS the TV Guide."
 
Rap music is just another form of talk radio.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 20:14:33 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stupid but funny jokes (Caution: Insensitivity)
 
Caution: Some of these jokes represent insensitivity to some
         people.
 
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
 
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
 
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
 
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
 
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
 
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
 
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
 
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
 
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
 
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
 
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
 
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
 
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
 
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
 
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
 
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
 
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
 
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
 
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a chiwawa?
A dog that runs for help... after it bites your leg off.
 
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
 
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Mar 1999 18:29:07 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles +
 
136. What do they call the Jewish Mafia?
 
137. A young woman who was forever going on diets to no avail was
sure that her latest plan would result in a quick loss of many
pounds, but her mother was far less confident, pending the actual
outcome.  How would you describe her mother s attitude?
 
138. This Christmas tune reminds us of what happens when Christmas
shoppers go crazy at local shopping centers, leaving a trail of
destruction behind them.
 
139. Goosebumps, the children s periodical by R. L. Stine, is
getting stranger every issue. The current story is about the souls
of dead turkeys returning to Plymouth on Thanksgiving Eve and
playing pranks in the Puritan's kitchens. It is entitled...
 
140. At the Senior Olympics they have a sprinting race for men with
a fairly healthy head of hair. It is known to be a hair racing
event. There is another race just for geezers with almost no hair.
What's it called?
 
Movie of the week 3: Bruce Willis stars in the role of a man who is
planning to commit suicide by overdosing on Viagra.
 
Book of the week 1: Erica Jong s tale of a neurotic housewife who
is morbidly frightened of being disfigured by the splatter of hot
bacon grease.
 
 
               - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
136. Kosher Nostra (By SRpunster)
 
137. Wait and See. (By Cynthia MacGregor) Alt.: Wait. Watch Her.
 
138. Wreck The Malls (By Van s Camp)
 
139. Poultrygeist (By Stan Kegel)
 
140. The Balder Dash (By Gary Hallock)
 
Movie of the Week 3: Armaggedon Ready to Die Hard (Author unknown)
 
Book of the week 1: Fear of Frying (By Stan Kegel)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Mar 1999 00:30:48 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Fixins (twister)
 
If I where a maniac...
I would drive a cadillac...
but at least i would not be a hypocondreac...
even if i was on prozac.
 
If i was fixin to make the biscuits i would first get the biscuit
mixes than i would make the biscuit fixins i was fixing to get the
biscuit mixes but i seen 2 stixes so i used the stixes to mix the
mixes together to make the biscuit fixins but than suddenly mr
nicks started to help me with the biscuit fixins than i asked mr
nicks if we needed more mix in the biscuit mix to make more fixins
than mr nicks said no i dont think we need more mix in this biscuit
mix because we are fixin to really start mixing the mix because you
know when you are fixin to mix the mix you need to mix the mix real
fast so when you mix the mix fast the mix gets bigger so you can
make more fixins but at this point we are only just fixin to make
the fixins
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1999 to 21 Mar 1999
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