HUMOR Digest - 19 Mar 1999 to 20 Mar 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Putting Things In Perspective
  2. Fade Out On The Irish
  3. Two from the Archives
  4. Fun Animal Facts
  5. Partly dumb comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. Excitement in the Publishing World <Sorta Adult>
  7. New Viagra  Q& A.. (adult)
  8. Uh-oh lines
 
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Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 07:06:31 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Putting Things In Perspective
 
Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to the average American's
(of reasonable, but modest, wealth).  Perhaps he has a net
worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger.
This means that if something costs $100,000, to Bill, it's as
though it costs 25 cents.  You can work out the right multiplier
for your own net worth.
 
For example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would
cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates' dollars, that's 63 cents.
 
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop
with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
 
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
 
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
 
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your
family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand,
could buy the team for 100 "Bill-bills".
 
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-
 fare coach. In "Bill-bills", Mr. Gates could buy three 747s. One
for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
 
 
Yet More:
 
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who
maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that
Bill could buy every major league team in Baseball, Football,
Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty
left over to buy a European sport. Of course then he wouldn't have
around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could
he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.
 
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997
salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 MILLION
subscriptions to TV guide.  He's also fascinated by how much all
this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the
Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over
8 times.  They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be
stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would
weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he
bought above.
 
But one thing Marcus says even Bill can't do, is dent the national
debt.  Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury,
he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%.
It's nice to put things in perspective.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 08:20:10 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Fade Out On The Irish
 
O'Sullivan was on trial for armed robbery.  The jury came out and
the foreman announced, "Not Guilty."
 
"Wonderful!!" shouted the Irishman. "Does that mean I can keep the
money?"
               ---------==========+++==========---------
 
Q: What's green and bounces off the walls?
A: Ric O'Shea!!
               ---------==========+++==========---------
 
Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the
English? He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling,
"If you don't act better you're all going to hell with the
ENGLISHMEN!"
 
One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't
stop denouncing the Brits, he may be demoted and transferred! The
priest agreed.
 
In his next sermon, he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus:
"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said,
'TONIGHT, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"
 
"Peter said, 'It's not I, is it master?'"
 
"Jesus just looked at Judas."
 
"Judas, feeling the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimey
guv'nor, you wouldn't be thinking it was me, would you?'"
               ---------==========+++==========---------
 
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A: He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
               ---------==========+++==========---------
 
Q: How do you ruin St. Paddy's day for an Irishman?
A: Make him the designated driver.
 
          --via McHawlist, Swiggy, MsKitty
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 10:13:13 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Sun, 20 Aug 1995 16:44:30 EDT
        From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
        Subject: Hard to please <adult themes>
 
A gentleman walks into a bar and explains to the bartender, "I
would like a martini, but I am very particular as to how it is
made. It must be extremely dry."
 
"We are world famous for making a dry martini."
 
"But, how do I know for sure you make a really dry martini?"
asked the customer.
 
The bartender replied, "Sir, do you see the men's room down the
hall?  Well, the only fixtures in there are a whisk broom and a
dustpan."
 
                --Lyle's Joke Boutique
 
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Wed, 23 Aug 1995 21:15:38 -0700
        From:    MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
        Subject: The Problem with Florida
 
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his
message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in
the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them...
 
And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them.
 
                --from parables, etc.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 14:47:08 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Fun Animal Facts
 
Did you know?????
 
  --If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
    produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 
 --If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
   is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
 
 --The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt
   blood 30 feet.
 
 --Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
 
 --Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for 
   pleasure.
 
 --On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
 
 --The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
 
 --It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
 
 --You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
 
 --Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
 
 --Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
 
 --Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
   champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
 
 --Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
   left-handed people do.
 
 --In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
   including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
 
 --A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
 
 --A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
 
 --The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
   own weight and always falls over on its right side when
   intoxicated.
 
 --Polar bears are left handed.
 
 --The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
   rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
 
 --The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a
   human jumping the length of a football field.
 
 --A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
   starves to death.
 
 --The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
   attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
   males head off.  (Not always a bad thing!)
 
 --Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
 
 --Butterflies taste with their feet.
 
 --Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
 
 --A cat's urine glows under a black light.
 
 --An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
 
 --Starfishes haven't got brains.
 
After reading all these, all I can say is... Lucky Pig!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 14:56:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Partly dumb comments & questions about contemporary life
 
I have just one thing to say. Well, I don't really have anything to
say. I guess, I just wanted some attention.

How did the 1954 Georgia Legislature find room on the state flag
for the stars and bars?  By minimizing the part of the state seal
which says "wisdom, justice and moderation."
 
When someone at work makes you angry, remember that it takes 42
muscles to frown and only four to flip them off.
 
Who needs "sixpack" abs, when you can have "keg" abs, with little
or no effort.
 
It's not all Clinton's fault. The Kennedys' set bad examples.
 
As I age and my eyes go, I see things that aren't there and don't
see things that are.
 
Shouldn't a cow's udder be called a calfeteria?
 
Why wife and I have definitely reached middle age. When went on
vacation and forgot our swim suits, but we both remembered all our
pills.
 
A nurse with a purse is what most older men are looking for when
they get remarried.
 
It seems to me that Monica's book sales are mirroring her love
life: People are looking and touching, but they're not buying.
 
Experts say that sniffing glue causes brain damage, so what's the
word on licking glue, like envelope flaps and stamps?
 
I told my wife I "drive with passion" and she wanted to know who I
was car pooling with.
 
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
 
When my wife and I split, the divorce left a bad taste in my mouth.
She kept the toothpaste.
 
I respond to female telemarketeers with "Have you had a mammogram
recently?" or to males with "Have you had your prostate gland
checked recently?" It not only render them speechless, but I feel
I've performed a public service.
 
It is probably hard for you to believe this, but some people don't
think these comments and questions are the least bit funny.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 16:13:28 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Excitement in the Publishing World <Sorta Adult>
 
It's a joke that's been told on campuses since the movies were
invented and, before the movies, there were probably earlier
versions.

Academicians contend that they seek recognition only from their
peers, but you know they'd love to get their 15 minutes in the
spotlight.  Just imagine if your dusty, dry, interminably long
tome on Pre-Columbian Diphthongs suddenly became a best seller
and was made into a movie!

Back ca. '57 Tom Lehrer did the joke as a part of a song about
mathematics called "Lobachevsky."  L was to have his book on
The Analytical Geometry of the Right Triangle made into a movie
in which Briget Bardot would play the part of the hypotenuse.

In the late 60s I had a prof who talked about an upcoming film
of Paul Tillich's "Systematic Theology," in which Raquel Welch
would portray 'Ultimate Concern."

Well, it's the 90s now and every fantasy of the past is coming
true.  Rachel P. Maines has written a book called "The Technology
of Orgasm: 'Hysteria,' the Vibrator, and Women's Sexual Satis-
faction. "For those of you who haven't had the chance to read it
yet, here's what the Chronicle of Higher Education said about it:
 
       "Ms. Maines's research uncovered a surprising history.
        Electrical devices that provided sexual stimulation
        emerged in the 1880s as a time-saving device for
        squeamish doctors, who believed that massaging women
        to orgasm would cure their hysteria."
                       --HOT TYPE, Chron of H. Ed. 3/19
 
So far Ms. Maines's work has been written up in The Sunday Times
of South Africa, Wired, Mirabella and The New York Times.  Us will
be on board soon.  "Technology..." is in it's second printing and
the publisher (Johns Hopkins University Press) says more than 5,000
copies have been sold already.
 
According to the writeup in the Chronicle, Ms. Maines is being
approached by "filmmakers who want to make a documentary out of her
history of the vibrator...".  Now, this being a documentary, they
will need to restage some scenes from the past.  I'm sure Ms.
Maines will want Paul Newman to portray the kindly old gynecologist
who comes up with the device and Leonardo Decaprio will provide the
"voice" of the anti-hysteria machine.  It'll be box office boffo!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 15:58:07 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: New Viagra  Q& A.. (adult)
 
With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that
the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for
specific groups of customers:
 
Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
   house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time...
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 18:02:42 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Uh-oh lines
 
      "Uh-oh" lines are phrases likely to be followed by bad news.
      ************************************************************
 
Second Runner-Up
 
-From your doctor: "On the blood pressure, your diastolic looks
 fine ..."
               (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria)
 
First Runner-Up
 
-From your new cubicle neighbor: "And since animal parts are used
 in the manufacture of soap..."
               (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
 
And the winner:
 
-From your new next door neighbor: "And I never could have afforded
 to buy my new house on my own. My old neighbors chipped in to buy
 it for me."
               (Philip Vitale, Arlington)
 
Honorable Mentions:
 
-From your auto mechanic: "Come on out back. I want to show you
 something."
               (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
 
-From anyone: "With all due respect..."
               (Steven King, Vienna)
 
-From your spouse: "I, um, didn't expect you home so early."
               (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
 
-From your boss: Any mention of the words "responsibility to the
 shareholders," or any reference to "a leaner, more efficient
 structure," or, particularly, any sentence containing the words
 "for the greater good."
               (Max Handelsman, Columbia)
 
-From the president of the United States: "While my answers were
 legally accurate..."
               (Michael Platt, Germantown; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
 
-From the sommelier during your first date: "But if monsieur wishes
 a truly special bottle of wine, I might recommend..."
               (Noah Meyerson, Washington)
 
-From the estate lawyer: "Your father's will turned out to have
 some, shall we say, 'unique' provisions..."
               (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
 
-From your spouse: "Don't you think we have a pretty good idea of
 what in the house belongs to you and what belongs to me?"
               (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
 
-From a chat room acquaintance: "By the way, finding out where you
 live was a lot easier than I thought."
               (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
 
-From your new next-door neighbor: "I was just wondering: About how
 long does it take the cops to get here from the first sound of
 gunshots?"
               (Philip Vitale, Arlington)
 
-From the IRS: "And that is when we noticed something
 interesting..."
               (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
 
-From your daughter: "I just know you will like him. He is a
 totally independent thinker."
               (Jan Sorensen, Herndon)
 
-From your kid in college: "I really think the definition of cult
 is so arbitrary these days..."
               (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
 
-From your lawyer: "This might be the time to familiarize yourself
 with a list of countries that have no extradition treaty with the
 United States."
               (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)
 
-From your barber: "This haircut is gonna be on the house."
               (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
 
-From your doctor: "There is a clinic in the Caribbean that offers
 a promisingnew treatment program..."
               (Bil Strider, Gaithersburg)
 
-From an instruction manual: "After take out the battery insulator,
 if some segment missing, press HOUR or MINUTE set button will back
 to normal." (This is verbatim from an actual instruction manual.)
               (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)
 
-From a rattlesnake: "Rattle."
               (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
 
 
          --thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Mar 1999 to 20 Mar 1999
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