HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1999 to 19 Mar 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 478 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Pilots
  2. How to Anger An Irishman
  3. The frog <adult>
  4. How Many Irishmen... <off. to Irish>
  5. Cold Nights
  6. The 10 best tools of all time
  7. "Please Write Back" (adult)
  8. No Wonder I'm Tired...
  9. The Midget (Pun)
 10. Two steps Roar
 11. Cooking? <clean>
 
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Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 08:51:59 Z
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap"
         <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: Pilots
 
"...And that's why I don't like Chinese."
 
The co-pilot said , "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl
Harbah. that JAPANESE, not Chinese."
 
The pilot answered, "Chinese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Japanese...
it doesn't matter they're all alike."

After another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the co-pilot said,
"No like Jew."
 
The pilot replied, "Why not ? Why don't you like Jews?"
 
The co-pilot said, "Jews sink the Titanic."
 
The pilot tried to correct him, "no, no the Jews didn't sink the
Titanic that was an iceberg."
 
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 06:14:04 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How to Anger An Irishman
 
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy
said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman
and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
a faggot."
 
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
 
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!"
 
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The
second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the
shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
 
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
 
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right, he is unshakable!"
 
The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off,
you just watch."
 
The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the
shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
 
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
 
          --thanks to Steve Kilbride
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 13:26:44 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: The frog <adult>
 
A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she
is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very
high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
 
"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50,"
the clerk says.
 
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a
frog."
 
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
 
The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex,
and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might
be a good investment.
 
She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and
explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises
he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep,
happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
 
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She
goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots
and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.
 
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
 
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry
ass is out of here!"
 
          --from Arieh Szabo
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 08:05:57 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: How Many Irishmen... <off. to Irish>
 
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Six... One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around
      and drink until the room spins.
               --#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--
 
Two Poms and an Irishman were manning the spotlights in England
in WW2. One pom says to the other, "Here, I'll show you how stupid
the Irish are."
 
The pom says to Paddy, "Hey Paddy, climb up the beam of light
and see if the Germans are coming tonite."
 
Paddy says, "You'd be thinking I'm stupid... I'd get half way up
and you'd turn the bloody thing off on me!"
               --#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--
 
Two British thugs walk into a pub in Ireland and decide to have a
competition as to whom can annoy the Irish Landlord the most.
The first thug goes up to the bar and says, "Oi Mick, did you know
St. Patrick was an Englishman?!"
 
The Irish Landlord merely nods his head and continues to pour
the pint of Guiness he's serving.
 
The second thug whispers to his mate, "I'll get him... watch this!"
So the second thug goes up to the bar and says, "Oi Mick, did you
know St Patrick was a wanker?!"
 
And the Irish Landlord says, "I know, your mate just told me!"
               --#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--
 
Recipe for Irish Stew:
Get some meat, some potatoes, and a lot of Guinness Stout.
Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.
               --#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--
 
An Irishman bought a mobile phone. While he was showing it off
in the pub the phone rang. He answered it only to hear his wife's
voice on the other end.
 
"Yikes!" he remarked, "how did you know I was here?!?"
               --#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--#--
 
A Texan rancher visits Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
 
The Texan says: "Takes me a whole dang day to drive from one side
of my ranch to the other."
 
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors
like that over here too."
 
          --via SWIGGY
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 11:41:23 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Cold Nights
 
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking
at his local saloon, and the bartender says to him, "You owe me
quite a bit on your tab."
 
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
 
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and
the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
 
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
 
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over
it until it's paid."
 
          --thanks to Juan Roberto
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 19:59:08 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The 10 best tools of all time
 
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it has never been there when you
need it. Besides, there are only 11 things in this world you need
to fix any car, any place, any time.
 
1. Gaffer Tape (also known as Duct Tape) - Not just a tool, a
veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety
wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow
rope and more, in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice
surrounding gaffer tape in concours competitions, but in the real
world everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses
it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes
is a ten pence piece and a phone booth.
 
2. Mole Wrench (also known as Vise Grips) - Equally adept as a
wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen
bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of
your tool box, the mole wrench is the only tool designed expressly
to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
 
3. WD40 (or other Spray Lubricants) - A considerably cheaper
alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items.
Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull
bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough,
an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube
that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of
the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).
 
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all your time
under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
pertal valve when you knocked both off the air filter, it's because
you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless
vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for
parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-
colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike
air filters and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a
time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
 
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack
corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all
types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that
packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the
only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous
with the user's maiming.
 
6. Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hoses
and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working
model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely
resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When
buying a used car, subtract 350 for each zip tie under the
bonnet.
 
7. Ridiculously Large Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing
better for prying, chiselling, lifting, breaking, splitting or
mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when
wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of
choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you
break the tip - and you will, just like Dad and your shop teacher
said - who cares, the bevelled edge will make it that much more
versatile
 
8. Baling Wire - Commonly known as MG exhaust brackets, baling wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape,
it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it works so
well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again.
Baling wire is a sentimental favourite in some circles,
particularly with the MG, Triumph, and sidevalve Ford set.
 
9. Knocking Stick/Pry Bar - This monstrous tuning fork with
devilish pointy ends is technically known as a track-rod separator,
but how often do you separate track-rod ends? Once every decade,
twice if you're unlucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use
is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of
the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent
metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
knocking stick. (Can also be use to separate track-rod ends in a
pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
 
9a. Large Birmingham Screwdriver (also known as an Irish
Screwdriver or Engineering Hammer) - In automotive maintenance
terms the Birmingham screwdriver is not strictly a tool in its own
right, but it is the power behind the knocking stick and the
ridiculously large screwdriver.  Buy the biggest one you can find,
even if it means sending away for the Charles Atlas course in order
to be able to wield it.
 
10. A Ten Pence Piece and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 17:06:06 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: "Please Write Back" (adult)
 
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding day, she tells
each one of them to write back about their marriage life. And the
first one gets married....
 
The second day the letter arrives with a single message... simply:
"Maxwell House Coffee!"
 
Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell House ad, it
says: "Satisfaction to the last drop...". So, Mother is happy.
 
Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there
a message that reads; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks into the
Rothmans ad, and it says; "Life Size, King Size". And Mother is
happy.
 
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Finally,
after 4 weeks came the message; "British Airways".
 
Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad
reads; "Two Times a Day, Four Times a Week, Both Ways."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 18:47:05 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: No Wonder I'm Tired...
 
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep or
too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the
REAL reason that I'm tired...  I'm overworked.
 
 
The population of the USA is 237 million.
 
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
14.8 million people work for State and City Governments.
That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons,
that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me...
 
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 16:25:01 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Midget (Pun)
 
Wayne Barlobet was a man of modest means, and even more modest
stature. Most people referred to him as a midget, although he
preferred the more politically correct term of "lengthily
disinclined."
 
For Wayne, each day was a neck-straining exercise as he went about
his business, as nearly everybody towered over him. It was always a
delight when Wayne met someone more like himself, and this did
happen from time to time.
 
Wayne made it a habit to get the names of the other lengthfully
disinclined people he encountered, if only to have someone else to
say "hello!" to when he traveled to a different town. And as
strange as it may seem, a disproportionate number of the length-
fully disinclined people he met had the same first name as him:
Wayne. He went for many years merely noting this anomaly, but
decided one day to do something about it.
 
It took many phone calls, but Wayne contacted every other length-
fully disinclined "Wayne" on his list, and they all agreed that it
would be great fun to charter an airplane and head for a week of
sun and fun in Hawaii.
 
And so was born the great Wayne Excursion. They all agreed to meet
in a few major cities, and their chartered DC-10 would, after a few
stops, be winging its way over the Pacific. Each Wayne, just to
make things easier for the others, had his own name tag, reading
"Hi! I'm Wayne..." with their last names entered by hand.
 
Alas, it was one of the DC-10s that had somehow been missed when
the problem with the cargo door had been discovered. Wayne Barlobet
was unfortunate enough to be looking for a lost piece of luggage
when the cargo door suddenly blew off, taking Wayne with it. The
airplane was cruising at 30,000 feet, which gave Wayne plenty of
time to contemplate the Iowa countryside as he plummeted to earth.
 
Alice and Simon were sitting out by their pool, taking some time
out from their farm chores to enjoy the afternoon sun.
 
"Well, will you look at that!" said Simon, pointing to the sky.
 
"Land sakes!" cried Alice, "It looks like a little man falling out
of the clouds!"
 
"Yep," agreed Simon, "and he's not getting much bigger!"
 
Just then, Wayne's name tag peeled off. Wayne landed with an
enormous "SPLOOSH!" in the pool, and his name tag fluttered into
Alice's lap.
 
"Dear," said Alice, examining the name tag, "I think it's true."
 
"What?" asked Simon.
 
Alice looked at her husband, looked at the name tag, looked back at
her husband, and said... "Into each life a little Wayne must fall!"
 
          --By Jim Meyers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 18 Mar 1999 21:45:55 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Two steps Roar
 
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side).  While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... so it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the
aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing
so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
 
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from
all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached
the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Mar 1999 09:32:51 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Cooking? <clean>
 
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but
I could never do anything with it."
 
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
 
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish.'"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1999 to 19 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
