HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1999 to 18 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Stuttering <adult>
  2. Honesty before Marriage
  3. Top5 - 3/17/99 - TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates
  4. Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! <adult, off. to Irish>
  5. Greeks bearing gifts<not off.>
  6. Clues you joined the wrong church
  7. Quotes Old & New
  8. The Tale of Zelda and Oscar (Pun)
  9. Ant & Grasshopper
 
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Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 06:11:15 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Stuttering <adult>
 
Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a
pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.  "What's it to be ?"
asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
 
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says
the Englishman.
 
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui
gui................."
 
Then the Scotsman tries.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th......................."
 
"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to
serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they
are ready to order yet.
 
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
 
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
 
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
th th th th...........".
 
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of
you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag
me!"
 
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?"
 
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
 
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the
Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to
laugh.
 
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
 
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do
you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
 
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
 
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady.
 
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes
him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she
strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a
voluptous bosom. Finaly she slides off her panties then climbs into
bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and
goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he
suddenly screams out "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 07:06:22 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Honesty before Marriage
 
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession
to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding,
it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said
he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important
thing in a marriage.
 
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said
that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist,
it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage,
it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said
that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other
things far more important than sex in a marriage.
 
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on
to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off
her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took
off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl
fainted and fell to the floor.
 
After she became conscious, the guy said: I told you before we got
married; why did you still faint?
 
The girl said: you told me it was just like a baby.
 
The guy replied: yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 07:35:35 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/17/99 - TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         March 17, 1999
     The Top 12 Episodes of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates
 
12> "Beverly Hills 90210.2" -- Bill is scammed out of his
    billions by a midriff baring vixen, only to have the
    money restored by Dylan, who somehow accomplishes this
    on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach Pit.
 
11> "Ally McBill" -- When Bill makes fun of the new attorney's
    micro-miniskirts, she kicks his ass.  Janet Reno guest
    stars.
 
10> "The Brady Bunch" -- Marsha doesn't think her new boyfriend,
    Bill, is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy's lemonade
    stand out of business.
 
 9> "One's Company" -- Deciding that less company is best for
    him, zany Bill forces all his co-stars into early
    retirement.
 
 8> "Petticoat Junction" -- The 3 girls from Hooterville make
    plans to seduce the new computer guru in town but change
    their minds when they hear the words "micro" and "soft."
 
 7> "That 70's Show" -- When Bill gets his first summer job
    programming in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.
 
 6> "Mork & Mindy" -- Mork's dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork,
    visits Earth.
 
 5> "Love Boat" -- The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill
    refuses to yield right-of-way to the oncoming
    supertanker USS Justice Department.
 
 4> "Everybody Loves Bill" -- Bill begins to suspect that people
    love him for his money.  Guest stars:  Anne Nicole Smith,
    Carmen Electra, and the guy who married Martha Raye
 
 3> "I Dream of Billy" -- Major Gates discovers a genie in a
    bottle who offers him the world; he refuses, saying, "I
    already own it!"
 
 2> "Billigan's Island" -- Billigan builds a machine which is
    sure to get the castaways off the island -- but it keeps
    crashing!
 
             and Topfive.com's Number 1 Episode
            of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates...
 
 1> "Family Matters" -- Urkel imagines what his adult life
    would be like if he had been born Caucasian.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 07:49:27 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! <adult, off. to Irish>
 
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
Did you hear about the Irishman who sued the local
baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun...?
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When
the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
 
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan
had done. "What was that all about?"
 
"Nothing," said the Irishman. "Me wife just sent me out for a jar
of olives."
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
It was two days before St. Patrick's Day, so the Irishman had to
fight his way through the crowd at the Heathrow check-in counter
to inquire, "How long does it take to fly to Dublin?"
 
The harried clerk glanced up. "Just a minute, sir."
 
"Thank you so much," said the Irishman, turning away.
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of
Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who
saw any snakes!
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
 
 1. The Guinness is great.
 2. The crack is great.
 3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them.
 4. You can't have sex with a condom on.
 5. Thus you must have sex without one on.
 6. No one can ever remember the night before.
 7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up.
 8. The stew is great.
 9. The Murphy's is great.
10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think.
          -+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-
 
The 1998 Irish Steeplechase has just been run.
Every steeple was caught, and surrendered without a struggle.
 
          --via SWIGGY
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 10:38:07 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: Greeks bearing gifts<not off.>
 
Hey Hector,
 
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra -- it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
 
Thanks,
 
Laocoon
 
> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>
> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
> DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite
> your ENTIRE CITY!
>
> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
> tall.  It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to
> be abandoned.  DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains
> hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including
> a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your
> army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you
> have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back
> out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
>
> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
> Poseidon
          -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
 
Laocoon,
 
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there
is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other
listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to
kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something
called the "Midas Touch."  Here are a few tipoffs that this is a
hoax:
     1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap.
        If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army,
        why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians,
        and Cretans?
     2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
     3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems
        with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he?
        Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address
        makes me suspicious.
     4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to
        overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal,
        after all.
 
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate
your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times
you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
 
Bye now,
Hector
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 12:09:02 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Clues you joined the wrong church
 
     The Top Ten Ways You Know You've Joined the Wrong Church
 
10. The church bus has gun racks.
 9. The church staff consists of pastor, associate pastor and
    sociopastor.
 8. It uses the Dr. Suess version of the Bible.
 7. There is an ATM machine in the lobby.
 6. The choir wears leather and metal robes.
 5. Worship services are BYOS (bring your own snakes).
 4. There's no cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.
 3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic
    City.
 2. The ushers ask, "Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
 
     And the #1 way to tell you've joined the wrong church is:
 
 1. The women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 15:14:13 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Quotes Old & New
 
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.
     --Clarence Day
 
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see
him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
     --Shirley Temple
 
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted
by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
     --Rod Serling
 
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.
     --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
 
The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the
office.
     --Robert Frost
 
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that
they have a common enemy.
     --Sam Levenson
 
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds
change color and fall from the trees.
     --David Letterman
 
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly
by.
     --Douglas Adams
 
This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
     --Wolfgang Pauli (on a paper by a physicist colleague)
 
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a
smile and a gun.
     --Al Capone
 
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open
and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more
than money.
     --Joey Bishop
 
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it.
     --Franklin P. Jones
 
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for
you!
     --Tommy Smothers
 
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something.
     --Jackie Mason
 
When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
     --Norm Crosby
 
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of
those we don't like?
     --Jean Cocturan
 
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their
friends thought I didn't exist.
     --Aaron Machado
 
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver.
     --Jay Leno
 
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
     --Jerry Seinfeld
 
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching
television in the dark.
     --Michael Landon
 
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to
use.
     --Wendell Johnson
 
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I
win or lose.
     --Darrin Weinberg
 
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life
when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
     --Fran Lebowitz
 
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid
moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the
possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
     --Gamel Abdel Nasser
 
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
     --Aldous Huxley
 
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble.
It's the things you know that just ain't so.
     --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
 
Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his
views are the same as yours.
     --Ilka Chase
 
 
          --thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 17:29:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Tale of Zelda and Oscar (Pun)
 
The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one
thing; she'd never won an Academy Award. She was known for being
terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also
known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.
 
One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and
asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and
immediately rejected it. "Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer,
and I'll NOT do it."
 
"But HONEYKINS," he cried, "It's a WONDERFUL script."
 
"I didn't say it wasn't Vunderful or goot, but I'll not do it."
 
"But Sweetiekins, " Meyer continued, "with my direction and your
acting and name, it will make us MILLIONS."
 
"More Geldt I don't need. Ich do nicht like the script."
 
"But, DARLING, don't you see, with my connections, I can almost
GUARANTEE you an Academy Award with a good performance."
 
Zelda thought a moment then agreed and said... "Oh, I'd LUFF to
be an Oscar Veener, Meyer..."
 
          --by Grieg Olson
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 20:57:21 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Ant & Grasshopper
 
                    Original Version
 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
 
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no
food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                    Modern American Version
 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
 
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others are cold and starving... CBS, NBC and ABC show up
to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of
the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
 
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so?
 
Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of
Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green
bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30
million years of greenism.
 
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green."
 
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the
CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the
Reagan summers.
 
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair
share."
 
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism
Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
 
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.
 
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
panel of federal hearing officers that Bill appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's
between 1:30 and 3:00 PM.
 
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper
finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government
house he's in - which just happens to be the ant's old house -
crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
 
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are
showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of
Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in
America.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1999 to 18 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
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