HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1999 to 17 Mar 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 658 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Yugo Bashing
  2. More on the Irish <adult, off. to Irish>
  3. Disturbing Medical Stories (not for the weak)
  4. Alien Chain Letter
  5. [OTT] Dr. Seuss Purity Test
  6. Chili cook off judge
  7. The Human Condition <pt 2. - Clean(?)>
  8. The Deaf Mule (Pun)
  9. Portland, Oregon humor <clean>
 10. Publishing screwups
 11. (no subject)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 06:12:06 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Yugo Bashing
 
               Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Yugos
 
Yu*go (yoo-go)
     n.   1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
          2) 4x4 hood ornament.
     adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator.
 
Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas!  (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians,
   other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
   against the Communist belief system that material goods are
   provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
   no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the
   bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke
   encourages automobile use.
 
What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
  - A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
  - A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.
Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give
it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...
 
Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
   2) Push off cliff.
   3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap.
      (30-mile/3-day warranty included!)
 
A man entered an auto parts store...
  Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo."
Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade."
 
I once bought a Yugo with a tow package.
...It was in the front.
 
Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.
 
"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night...
 The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by
 shooting."
 
Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A. The bus schedule.
 
From the Yugo owner's manual "If you sense an impending accident
with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox,
quickly 1) place head between legs,  2) lock hands behind head,
3) Repeat "Our Father, who art in heaven..."
 
Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When
you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*
 
Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will
cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo.  What's left?  About $1200 of
"dealer prep."
 
Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 07:34:59 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: More on the Irish <adult, off. to Irish>
 
Two old Irishmen are talking.  One asks the other what kinds of
things he likes to do.  The other replies," Me buddy and I like to
get together late at night, get drunk, go pee on the Blarney Stone,
and watch fools come and kiss it in the morning for luck."
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and
Murphy were trying to decide where to go that night. "I know,"
says Murphy, "there's a great club in town we ought to try."
 
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
 
Murphy answers, "Well, ye go into the club, up to the bar where
they give ye a free drink. Then ye go upstairs for a free shag.
Then ye go back to the bar and have another free drink. After 20
minutes ye go back upstairs for another shag. After this ye go
back to the bar for another free drink, then go upstairs and have
another free shag! After this ye go downstairs, have another free
drink, and leave. On the way out, they give ye a hundred quid
and ye go home."
 
"Saints be praised!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have ye
been before?"

"No," says Murphy, "but me sister has!"
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
 a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the
 God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you
 don't believe?'" 
          -- Quentin Crisp
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after
his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came
up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired
Father O'Grady.
 
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
 
"Well what would that be now, Mary?"
 
"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away last night."
 
"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible.  Tell me Mary, did
 he have any last requests?"
 
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
 
"What did he ask, Mary?"
 
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows, and then the accusing woman was escorted
into the room.
 
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
There once was a leprechaun named Pat,
Who lived in a green derby hat,
     As legend foretold,
    He hid all his gold,
And then he got ate by the cat!
               =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
 
The Good Lord above made whiskey so the Irish would never
take over the world!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 08:06:32 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Disturbing Medical Stories (not for the weak)
 
INNER SKELETON
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying
a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.
 
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During
the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was
found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
 
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
 
PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete hardened, causing constipation
and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the
man's rectum was removed, along with a ping pong ball.
 
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor
examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses
in at all. He'd been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
 
(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist and
the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to
doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman had crept under the table to
administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis
and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man
grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 01:32:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Alien Chain Letter
 
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...
 
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star
system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star
systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive
enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches
its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 20:39:59 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: [OTT] Dr. Seuss Purity Test
 
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on the bathroom tile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
 
Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two's your Purity.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 16:28:46 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Chili cook off judge
 
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because
no one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came.  I was assured by the other two judges that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of
those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and
therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the
event:
 
     Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
 
JUDGE ONE:
  A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:
  Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
KENNEDY:
  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint
  from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
  out. Hope that's the worst one.  These people are crazy.
 
     Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:
  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:
  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
KENNEDY:
  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
  supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people
  who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
  front of the beer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional
  wrestler after a bad night.  She was so irritated over my gagging
  sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.
  She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I
  will NOT pick a fight with her.
 
     Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 
JUDGE ONE:
  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:
  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
KENNEDY:
  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a
  uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing
  Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
  way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
  me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
  my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably
  behind her back they call her "Forklift."
 
     Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic
 
JUDGE ONE:
  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:
  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for
  fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
KENNEDY:
  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
  taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
  wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her
  snake sort of coiled and uncoiled - it's kinda cute.
 
     Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover
 
JUDGE ONE:
  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
  considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:
  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the
  cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
KENNEDY:
  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I belched
  and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant
  seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
  damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
  from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me that one of the other
  judges asked me to stop screaming.
 
     Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
 
JUDGE ONE:
  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
  spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
  Superb.
KENNEDY:
  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if
  she wants to go dancing later.
 
     Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili>
JUDGE ONE:
  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
  the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge
  Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
KENNEDY:
  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
  I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the
  world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are
  covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
  point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.  Go Sally,
  save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry
  I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing,
  it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I
  need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
  Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on
  my tongue.
 
     Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili
 
JUDGE ONE:
  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell
  and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:
  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
  too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
KENNEDY:
  Momma?

			- - - - - - - - - - - -
Achivist's Note: The original version of this humor was written by
                 W. Bruce Cameron (www.wbrucecameron.com) and
                 copyrighted in 1996.
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 15:26:29 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: The Human Condition <pt 2. - Clean(?)>
 
     General thoughts on the Human Condition
 
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
     --Lily Tomlin
 
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
     --Jerry Seinfeld
 
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
     --Warren Hutcherson
 
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
     --Jeff Stilson
 
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
     --Lily Tomlin
 
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.'  On what? On fire?
     --Marsha Warfield
 
Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
     --George Carlin
 
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
     --Ellen DeGeneres
 
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
     --Carol Leifer
 
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.
     --Ed Bluestone
 
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
     --Jackie Gleason
 
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries.
The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?
     --Jay Leno
 
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
     --Roger Simon
 
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
     --Dave Edison
 
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
     --George Gobel
 
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
     --William Coronel
 
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
     --Oscar Wilde
 
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
     --A. Whitney Brown
 
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself.
     --Mark Twain
 
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait.
     --A. Whitney Brown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 19:51:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Deaf Mule (Pun)
 
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought
a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost
totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often
continued plowing.
 
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There
was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me
singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard
nothing but... my riled Irish whoa's!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 09:40:50 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Portland, Oregon humor <clean>
 
     [Portland is supposedly characteristic by it's
      moderate rainfall throughout the year]
 
* A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up
  the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after
  that, and the day after that.  She goes out to lunch and
  sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid,
  does it ever stop raining around here?"
  The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."
 
* "I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here
  in Portland an entire week and it's done nothing but
  rain.  When do you have summer here?"
  "Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year,
  it was on a Wednesday."
 
* What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland?
  An average weekend
 
* What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
  "Nice tan."
 
* Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan rain
  storm that would destroy the Pacific NW with a flood.  Rev
  Jessie Jackson went on national TV and said, "This is your
  punishment from God.  Prepare to meet your Maker."  The
  President went on national TV and announced, "Our scientists
  have done all they can. The end is near."
  The Portland evening news came on and said, "Today's
  five day forecast... same as usual."
 
* What does daylight savings time mean in Portland?
  An extra hour of rain.
 
* A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting
  in the long line of judgment.  As he stood there he
  noticed that some souls were allowed to march right
  through the gates of Heaven.  Others, though,  were led
  over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
  But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into
  the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into
  a small pile.  After watching Satan do this several times,
  the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.  So he
  strolled over and asked Satan... "Excuse me, Prince
  of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment,
  but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those
  people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of
  hell with the others?"
 
  "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan.  "They're all from
   Portland; they're too damn wet to burn yet."
 
* What do you call blue skies in Portland?
  A 30 second time out.
 
* How do they wash the streets in Portland?
  Huh?!?!... You're not from Portland, are you?
 
          --from Alan Holland
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 20:19:52 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Publishing screwups
 
          Two variations on a theme:
 
A logician's manuscript was sent off to the publishers, and every
occurrence of 'iff' ('if and only if') was changed to 'if' in the
proofs. (Told to me some years ago by a colleague.)
 
When she had nearly completed her novel, the author changed her
mind about the name of her protagonist: 'David' became 'Wayne'. So
she ran a search-and-replace on her text using her wordprocessor.
It was not until the book was published that it was realised that
one of the characters visiting Italy goes to marvel at
Michelangelo's famous statue of Wayne.
(Read by me some weeks ago in a newspaper.)
 
          --from D.M.Procida
            alt.folklore.urban
            via Internuts Digest 1.176
               - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Some of the best offerings are, alas, apparent only in the
prepublication galley and not in the bound book.
 
My favorite in the last few years was a young-adult novel I
reviewed that had a character named Cheryl.  Clearly "Cheryl" had
originally been "Chris" and had been altered, as in the previous
example, via global search-and-replace -- I say "clearly" because
the heedless young characters regularly exclaimed "Jesus Cherylt!"
and celebrated Cheryltmas.
 
That was the most memorable thing about the novel and it
unfortunately was fixed in the final copy.
 
          --from Deborah Stevenson
            alt.folklore.urban
            via Internuts Digest 1.176
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:39:56 +0200
From:    eb <uhw0x@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: (no subject)
 
     [Mis-directed e-mail removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1999 to 17 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
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