HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1999 to 16 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 451 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. One Great Day...
  2. Two from the Archives
  3. Daffynitions
  4. Irish Week!! <adult>
  5. The Bull (Pun)
  6. Satirical comments & questions about contemporary life
  7. The Human Condition <pt.1 - clean(?)>
  8. How NOT To Get Married <clean, swearing>
  9. Irish Logic
 10. Remember when ... ?
 
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Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 01:29:01 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: One Great Day...
 
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet
you don't know what day this is."
 
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to
the office.
 
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman
couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
 
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she
exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my
life!"
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 03:32:31 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Sun, 2 Mar 1997 09:28:02 -0500
        From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
        Subject: Vermont humor
 
A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just
as it had been before the Pilgrims landed.  He dug up hundreds
of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing;
built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture; dug a
well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to
the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.
 
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather
fulsomely and at great length, at all that "you and God have
done together."
 
"Eh," the farmer said dubiously.  "Ya shoulda seen the place
when God ran it on his own."
                        - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
        Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 17:16:38 -0500
        From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
        Subject: No more racism
                 <possibly offensive to anti-racist people>
 
One day, in a South-African school, the teacher came very upset
into the classroom and started to shout: "I don't understand
anything! What's all about this black and white thing? We gotta
stop racism in any way!! What's this with blacks and whites!
 
I'm gonna make a rule in this classroom! From now on, we are no
longer black or white!  We are all blue!  Ok?!  I'm glad you
understand! All this racism must stop! Ok, I'm glad we had this
conversation!
 
Now, if you will please take your seats! Yes, go on! No, not
like that: it's dark blue on the left side and light blue on
the right side !  Clear??"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 06:25:09 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Daffynitions
 
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she
        wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Castanet: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie
          girlfriend.
Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.
Concerts: A breath mint for inmates.
Consist: A growth on an inmate.
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.
Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her
                    pupils.
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
Demote: What de king put around de castle.
Despise: De persons who work for da CIA.
Detention: What causes de stress.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.
Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 07:32:49 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Irish Week!! <adult>
 
Irishman's Letter to the DHSS after receiving AIDS Leaflet...
 
Dear Sir,
 
I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would
like to apply straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for
the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit
and every other State aid I could get.
 
It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids
has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if
you will be paying back payments?
 
Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have
of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who
is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex
aids,  but she showed little interest and they were hardly used.
Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid out for
these gadgets?
 
Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will be paying
us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we
cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can
pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids
to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance,
there is a bit left, though, I will pass it on to my poor old
mother-in-law who only has her pension.
 
I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood
transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight
away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the
hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you will
write and let me know?
 
I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country,
and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify
for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each
time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?
 
     Yours faithfully,
      Seamus O'Toole
 
 
          --via SWIGGY
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 09:41:00 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Bull (Pun)
 
Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally
found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened
to be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side
of the valley across the river.
 
"Men," the rancher said to his cow hands, "It's time to say our
good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river."
 
So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river. They
were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the
rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with
a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in
his favorite meadow?"
 
The other hands said, "Sure", and led him just off the riverbank
for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of the hands
took a quick nap.
 
Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his
property and ran down into the valley. He shouted and cursed at the
men to wake them up. Once everyone was standing, he said that the
beast should have been across the river long ago... "In fact,
we've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 13:44:58 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Satirical comments & questions about contemporary life
 
If sports builds character, how come most basketball coaches behave
like spoiled children?
 
I'd rather watch six hours of ice fishing than 20 minutes of the
NBA.
 
The laundromat is NOT a good place to meet girls. Any woman who
can't afford a washer and dryer can't possibly support you in
proper style.
 
I've heard that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of
luggage lost by the airlines.
 
A brat is a child with more talent than yours.
 
My child could learn if your child would quit disrupting the class.
 
For all visitors: Welcome to Atlanta, the Bandwagon Capital of the
World.
 
I love the words "demolish," "buy" and "build." They're so Atlanta.
 
If at first you don't succeed, trying doing it like your wife told
you to.
 
Sorry to burst your bubble, but an SUV is just a `90s version of
the station wagon.
 
Sign in a butcher shop window: "Let us meat your needs."
 
As if prison wasn't enough to John Gotti to deal with, now he has
to worry about the Salt Lake Olympic Committee moving in on his
racketeering and bribery business.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 15:25:15 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: The Human Condition <pt.1 - clean(?)>
 
          General thoughts on the Human Condition
 
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base.
     --Dave Barry
 
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, You'll never find anyone like me again! I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?'
     --Larry Miller
 
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
     -- Marilyn Pittman
 
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in
the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
     --Robin Williams
 
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
     --Christopher Case
 
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp.
     --Bob Ettinger
 
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'
     --Paula Poundstone
 
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh.
     --Conan O'Brien
 
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
     --Sue Murphy
 
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
     --Rita Mae Brown
 
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a blood-
stain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe
you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
     --Jerry Seinfeld
 
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.
Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
     --Jerry Seinfeld
 
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow
learner.
     --Lynda Montgomery
 
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
     --Richard Jeni
 
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead.
     --Johnny Carson
 
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
     --Paul Rodriguez
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 16 Mar 1999 09:31:01 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How NOT To Get Married <clean, swearing>
 
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and
caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to
marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't,
sent them off to get one.
 
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got
the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he
pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where
hers belonged and vice versa.
 
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and
got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk
had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the
clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally
satisfied.
 
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back.
If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would
not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical
bastards."
 
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 21:11:00 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Irish Logic
 
               The Field
 
At the Abbey Theatre in Ireland, we purchased tickets to see The
Field, a play by an author I had never heard of.  I asked the
ticket seller if he was well known.  "He is," she said.  "He's
world-famous in Ireland."
 
          --MaryLou Phillips
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 23:30:37 -0600
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Remember when ... ?
 
A computer was something on T.V.
from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean
and RAM was the cousin of a goat...
 
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes.
 
An application was for employment.
A program was a T.V. show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
 
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped that nobody found out.
 
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for awhile.
 
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode.
 
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu.
 
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead!
 
          --by Ann Ominous Uzer
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1999 to 16 Mar 1999
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