There are 7 messages totalling 315 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Golf
  2. More for "In A Perfect World"
  3. Weekly PUNY Riddles
  4. What happened at the Bank <Adult Theme>
  5. Woof Cut
  6. Heaven and Hell - The Real Difference <clean>
  7. Dogs N Cats
 
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Date:    Sun, 14 Mar 1999 03:10:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
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        Date:    Tue, 21 Mar 1995 23:37:00 PST
        From:    Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
        Subject: more golf
 
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my
son.  Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had
before.  Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat.  You'll
be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
 
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's
called golf."
                        - - - - - - - - - -
 
"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
 
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."
                        - - - - - - - - - -
 
A golfer well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to
play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that
is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
 
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.
His ball always fell short, into the water.  Because of this he
never used a new ball on this particular hole.  He always picked
out one that had a cut or a nick.
 
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again.  When he came to
the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent
prayer.
 
Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said,
"WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
 
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that
the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
 
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again,
"WAIT... STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."  So he stepped back
and took a practice swing.
 
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did.
Silence followed.
 
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Mar 1999 12:19:17 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: More for "In A Perfect World"
 
                  In a perfect world:
                   (a few additions)
 
...the middle finger extended would mean peace and love.
...your raise would always be far more than you expected.
...neither chocolate nor booze would contain calories.
...procrastination would be viewed as a virtue.
...teenagers would much rather work on the lawn than talk
   on the phone.
...what the cat dragged in would be $100 bills.
...children on trips would say, "Riding in the car is fun!",
   then fall asleep.
...when someone says "I understand" they do.
...a politicians would vote the way most of their constituents
   really wanted.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sun, 14 Mar 1999 11:37:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Weekly PUNY Riddles
 
131. What 60's TV show might have been about a judge who issued a
court order banning the wearing of crinoline undergarments?
 
132. When I tried to add tomatoes to the greens I planned to eat
with dinner, they rose up in the salad bowl & protested vigorously.
What was their specific request?
 
133. How does a fencer call home?
 
134 In all probability, what would a Mafia recruit be called?
 
135. In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute
over where it is allowed to eat or defecate?
 
Movie of the Week:
2. In a bio-pic based on the life of Natalie Cole, Sissy Spacek
will portray the popular singer in her very early years as she
tries to live up to her father's expectations. It's called :
 
 
                     - - - - - - - - - -
                          (Answers)
 
 
131. Petticoat Injunction (By Gary Hallock)
 
132. Lettuce Alone (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
133. From Epee Phone (A pay phone) (By Lars Hanson)
 
134. A Likely Hood (By Stan Kegel)
 
135. A Pellet Court (By Gary Hallock)
 
Movie of the Week:
2. Cole's Minor Daughter (By Gary Hallock)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Mar 1999 18:16:33 -0800
From:    Richard Nehrbass <rm@NEHRBASS.RENO.NV.US>
Subject: What happened at the Bank <Adult Theme>
 
A few days before Christmas, I was waiting in line along with quite
a few other people at a bank.  A women with a small boy about 4 or
5 years old was also waiting in line about two places ahead of me.
The boy, being rambunctious and a typical 4 or 5 year old, just
couldn't stand and wait patiently, but was squirming, running
around, etc.  His mother, getting agitated at both having to wait
in line so long and having to deal with a little fireplug of a son,
kept yelling at her son to "Stand here!  Quit running around!!"
 
Finally, having had enough, she instructed him to go and sit down
at a chair against a wall and to "not move".  He pouted and went to
the chair.  No sooner did he crawl up into the chair and sit, he
started to squirm and fidget.  The mother, still about 3 people
from a teller, looked over at her son and was about ready to yell
at him when he beat her to the quick and blurted out, "I don't want
you to yell at me and if you do, I'm gonna' tell everybody that I
saw you with daddy's penis in your mouth last night!!"
 
I swear that there was dead silence in the bank for just a moment
and I, along with several others, tried to cough and do everything
else in our power to keep from laughing.  The mother turned white
and then very, very red, but didn't leave the bank.  She kept
waiting in line for the teller and didn't say another word to her
son.  Her son, deducing from his mother's icy glare that he had
just cooked his goose, turned extremely white and did NOT move at
all in his chair.
 
When the woman was finished with her banking, she went over to her
son and nearly pulled his arm out of its socket yanking him out of
his chair.  It wasn't until they both were safely out of the bank
that we all broke out into laughter and laughed so hard that many
of us cried.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 14 Mar 1999 21:08:51 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Woof Cut
 
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need
you to cut off my dog's tail."
 
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible
thing?"
 
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want
anything to make her think she's welcome."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
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Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 09:37:09 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Heaven and Hell - The Real Difference <clean>
 
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to
the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where
a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was
famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached
the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their
own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own
mouths. The suffering was terrible.
 
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while.
They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of
stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there
everyone was happy and well-nourished.
 
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when
they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
 
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have
learned to feed each other."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 15 Mar 1999 05:17:19 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Dogs N Cats
 
Q. Know how to make a Cat sound like a Dog?
 
A.  Pour Gas on a Cat, and throw a match at it...  WOOF.
 
 
Q. Know how to make a Dog sound like a Cat?
 
A. Stick a Dog in a freezer for a day, Then cut it with a band saw.
   MEEOOW.
                    - - - - - - - - - -

                   (This is a sight joke)
 
Bringing up as a serious matter;  that someone came to your house
one day saying that they believe they just ran over your Cat.
 
You asked what the Cat looked like? The person spreads arms and
legs to look like a squished Cat on the road.
 
You say No No what did it look like before you hit it? The person
then looks like a Cat with both arms out in an attempt to stop the
car from hitting em.
 
You make this one good by your actions. good luck...
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1999 to 15 Mar 1999
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