HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1999 to 14 Mar 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 258 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. In a Perfect World
  2. If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer...
  3. Technology Terms For Country Folk
  4. $100 (risque)
  5. The Irish Countess (Pun)
  6. Did Ya Hear???? (adult)
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 04:40:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: In a Perfect World
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
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        Date:    Thu, 13 Jul 1995 22:15:21 EDT
        From:    Keith E Sullivan <dnwu64a@Prodigy.Com>
        Subject: In a Perfect World...
 
I found the following in the most recent issue of the "Reader's
Digest".  I've added a couple of my own at the end.
 
                        IN A PERFECT WORLD...
 
...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, & he would
   actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the
   most.
...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid
   contracts worth millions of dollars.
...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic.
...you would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the
   ball yourself.
...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in
   the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip,
   the calories would be neutralized.
...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help,"
   not only would he mean it, but he would do it.
...first impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate
   performance.
...winning might be a nice thing, but that would be all.
...all people would expect to be accepted.
...every one in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door
   softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
 
                --by John Gratton
                  Drexel Missouri Star
                  Reprinted in Reader's Digest
 
...highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running
   late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past
   or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 07:17:27 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer...
 
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!
 
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a
break from life, click on suspend.
 
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
 
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
 
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings & control panel.
 
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
 
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
 
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
 
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
 
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette
to recover from a crash.
 
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way
to YOU...
 
          --thanks to Robert
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 08:19:19 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Technology Terms For Country Folk
 
           How Country Folk "Talk Technology"
 
 1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
 
 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
 
 3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
 
 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.
 
 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.
 
 6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
 
 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
 
 8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
 
 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
 
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
 
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
 
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
 
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
 
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
 
15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
 
16. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
 
17. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
 
18. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
 
19. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
 
20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 10:24:06 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: $100 (risque)
 
Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor.  When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table & emerged red-
faced.
 
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's
wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
under there?"  John admitted that, well, yes he did.
 
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."  After a
minute or two, John indicates that he is interested.  She tells
him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
 
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm.  After paying
her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
 
Bill came home about 6:00 pm and asked his wife, "Did John come by
this afternoon?"
 
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
 
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
 
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'  Finally she says, "Yes, he gave me
$100."
 
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning & borrowed
$100 from me and said he'd stop by our house on his way home and
pay me back.
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 11:56:15 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Irish Countess (Pun)
 
Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her
husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the
edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted
horseback tour of the area early the next morning.
 
Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice,
but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having
anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off
in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a
bit.
 
Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high attitudes the
rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level. Even
worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable.
Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband
assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow.
 
After one look he delivered his verdict... "Tour all Ural, Lura?
Too raw, Lura. Lie."
 
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Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 18:22:23 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Did Ya Hear???? (adult)
 
Q. Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
 
A. He just bends over the pages...
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1999 to 14 Mar 1999
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