HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1999 to 13 Mar 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 730 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Your Place Or Mine?
  2. Strange Malady
  3. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off.>
  4. Homework Time
  5. Y2K Compliant
  6. An Unexpected Reply
  7. Outhouse Poem
  8. Its a Wacky World! #60 (Adult)
  9. Glib comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. Sexual Humor, Bad Language
 11. Ten Dollars
 12. Oh, those newspaper types...
 13. Memo on Y2K
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 04:25:46 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Your Place Or Mine?
 
There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
        Date:    Thu, 23 May 1996 18:14:45 -0400
        From:    "John M. Scheer" <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
        Subject: Your Place Or Mine?
 
The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a
friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my
apartment but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did
anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly.  "Then what
 happened?"
 
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
 
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
 
"Not one bit.  In the end, we went to his apartment.  I figured,
 let HIS mother worry."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
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     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 06:04:54 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Strange Malady
 
There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately
had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a
nursing mother.
 
Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies
& even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man suck on their
breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather
buxom young girl who recently had given birth and who was willing
to help him out, for a price. The man was desperate because his
condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the
amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new
born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their
fate.
 
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a
bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on
the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began
to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was
beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and
finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else
you'd like?"
 
The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her.
"Yeah," he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 08:16:03 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off.>
 
Q: How can you tell which guy inside a topless bar is Irish?
A: He's the one who is sitting there and just drinking.
          =============================
 
A black guy and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when
she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
 
"No problem, baby," the black guy says, throwing a brick through
the glass and grabbing the ring.
 
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in
another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
 
"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick
through the window and snatching the coat.
 
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.
"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
 
"Fuck me, bitch!" the black guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of
fucking bricks or something!?"
          =============================
 
Q: What happened when the Irishman ate Italian food?
A: He got Gaelic breath.
          =============================
 
Swedish auto maker Volvo is in talks to take over
Italian auto-maker Fiat.
 
They say their goal is to create the world's safest
non-functioning car.
          =============================
 
Q: What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and
      the Iraqi military?
A: Ted Kennedy has a confirmed kill.
          =============================
 
How can you tell if there is an Irishman at a cockfight?
   He enters a duck.
How can you tell if there is a Polack there?
   He bets on the duck.
How can you tell if there is an Italian there as well?
   The duck wins.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 05:57:57 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Homework Time
 
Little Moshe was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached
she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two,
the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three and three... "
 
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of
doing math. Moshe remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught
him.
 
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The
next day she stormed into Little Moshe's classroom and confronted
Ms. Jones.  Little Moshe's mother told Ms. Jones about Moshe's
different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught
it that way to the class.
 
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said she couldn't understand why
Moshe had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh,
I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 09:03:47 -0500
From:    Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Y2K Compliant
 
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system
which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as: "Millennia Year
Application Software System" (MYASS).
 
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone.  We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that
all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one
person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already.  This morning
I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find
that he had his nose buried in MYASS.  Some of the less technical
people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never
put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time
and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she
was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready
to kiss MYASS.
 
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS
upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we
were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however, protection will
be required prior to entering MYASS.
 
This database will encompass all information associated with the
business.  As you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want in MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a
time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to
an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a
great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond,
"Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 09:59:04 -0600
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: An Unexpected Reply
 
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location, but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some amusement that, while visiting the cockpit aboard a PanAm 747
being piloted by a boyhood chum, I listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio
call Speedbird 206) after landing....
 
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
                active."
 
       Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
 
... The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
 
       Ground: "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are
                going?"
 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
                now."
 
       Ground: (with typical Germanic impatience)... "Speedbird
               206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
 
Speedbird 206: (coolly)... "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 10:46:53 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Outhouse Poem
 
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
 
The country bards were present, too,
With Glittering blade and bough,
Had I retained the things I heard
I'd be much wiser now.
 
No town facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
 
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
 
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
 
With startled look and beet-red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
 
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, drooping down
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
 
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
 
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
 
A speaking system he'd devised,
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
 
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
 
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror to her heart,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
 
 
Source: "R.D. [Dave] Dalton"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 11:54:23 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #60 (Adult)
 
WINNIPEG (Reuters) - A stark naked woman pedaled her bicycle down a
busy street in freezing temperatures, a man polished off a plate of
worms and bugs, & a third person changed his name to an obscenity.
 
All were stunts aimed at a chance to win C$10,000 in a month-long
radio contest held by a rock station in this otherwise quiet city
on the Canadian Prairies.
 
"It's been unbelievable," Morley Calahan, program director of
Winnipeg's Power 97 rockstation, said Thursday.
 
The "BJ and Hal's Toughest Contest Ever", named after the radio
station's morning show hosts, has so far prompted 20 people to
perform outrageous acts in hopes of winning the money.
 
"Today we've had a lady shave all her body hair, including her
eyebrows, nose hairs, everything you can think of. She's clean as
a baby," Calahan said.
 
The 700,000 citizens of Winnipeg awoke Thursday to front-page
newspaper photos of an 18-year-old woman who braved freezing
weather and high snow banks to ride her bike in the buff down
the main street of Portage Avenue."Lady Godiva of Portage,"
blared the headline.
 
The public prosecutor's office is pondering whether to lay charges
for indecent exposure after the woman was arrested by two sheepish-
looking police officers.
 
Calahan said one man ate live worms and cockroaches from a silver
platter, another had BJ and Hal's faces tattooed on his buttocks,
and another performed a strip-tease at a nightclub.
 
"He even brought his own rip-away thong underwear," said Calahan,
who admitted he was puzzled by the lengths people would go to just
to get a chance at winning some money.
 
"Personally I don't get it, but they're more than happy to do it,"
Calahan mused. "It's really an interesting study in human nature."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 16:02:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Glib comments & questions about contemporary life
 
You think your high school was tought? My high school was so tough
that when the teacher asked what comes at the end of a sentence,
three guys answered, "You appeal."
 
Why do TV stations send someone "live" to the scene of something
that happened yesterday?
 
Well, I'm finally an official redneck. I just put a color TV on
layaway at Wal-Mart.
 
Want a sure-fire way to get your kids to play with their old toys?
Try having a yard sale.
 
My Yankee husband says it would be nice to live in a beautiful old
Southern mansion, except for the still-unanswered question: Who
would clean it?
 
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
 
Yet another church billboard: "When you fight fire with fire, you
end up with a bunch of ashes."
 
I haven't bothered to learn the names of the new people at the
health club. I know they won't be there next week.
 
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
 
I can picture a world without war, a world without hate. And, I can
picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
 
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the
one that will get your home earlier.
 
Bob Hope is 95 years old. When he goes to the doctor, he says,
"Keep Hope alive."
 
A woman came up to me yesterday and told me my cigarette smoke was
bothering her. "Big deal," I told her, "it's killing me!"
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 15:59:54 -0700
From:    Paul Ostrof <paulo@FRII.COM>
Subject: Sexual Humor, Bad Language
 
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started
looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that
was too close to another man for him.
 
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special
to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the
counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I
don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and
he stopped.
 
"Except what?" the man asked.
 
"Nothing, nothing."
 
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
 
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo
 dick."
 
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
 
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, & there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big
fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
 
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick
rose out of it's box, darted over to the door, and started screwing
the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man
said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped,
floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
 
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
 
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told
her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do
was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied
that things would befine while he was gone.
 
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then
she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo
dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to
pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried
and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot
to tell her how to shut it off.
 
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the
hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then
asked how much she'd had to drink.
 
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking,
but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
 
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right.
Voodoo dick, my ass!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 18:03:03 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Ten Dollars
 
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.  Every
year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya
know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".
 
And every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that
aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
 
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go
this time I may nevah go".
 
Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...
and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
 
The pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal,
I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one
word and it's ten dollars".
 
They agree and up they go...  the pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one
more time, still nothing... so he lands.
 
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you
didn't!"
 
Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell
out... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 16:11:45 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: oh, those newspaper types...
 
          The following were actually taken from recently
                     Classified Ads in newspapers
 
 1 Man, 7 Women Hot Tub -- $850/offer
 
 Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom wasked.
 
 Snow Blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
 
 Free Puppier... Part German Shepherd part dog
 
 2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, Pair: $15
 
 Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang,
 5L, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800
 
 Cows, Calves never bred... also 1 Gay Bull for sale.
 
 Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
 
 Soft & Genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
 
 German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
 
 Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr. Warranty. Like new.
 Slight urine smell.
 
 Free 1 can of Pork & Beans with pruchase of 3 Br 2 Bath Home.
 
 Nordic Track $300 - Hardly used - Call Chubbie
 
 Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We Haul American Made Products"
 
 Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
 
 Found: Dirty White Dog... Looks like a rat...
 Been out a while... Better be reward.
 
 Hummels - Largest Selection Ever -
 "If It's in Stock, We Have It!"
 
 Get a Little John: The Traveling Urinal -
 Holds 2 ? Bottles of Beer.
 
 Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
 
 Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 cents lb.
 
 Nice Parachute - Never Opened - Used Once - Slightly Stained
 
 Free: Farm Kittens... Ready to eat.
 
 American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole included - $100
 
 Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer
 profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay:
 $7 -- $9 per hour.
 
 Exercise Equipment: Queen size mattress & Box Spring - $175.
 
 Our Sofa seats the whole Mob - and it's made of 100% Italian
 Leather.
 
 Joining Nudist Colony, Must sell Washer & Dryer - $300.
 
 Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
 
 Ground Beast: 99 cents lb.
 
 Gas Cloud clears out Taco Bell.
 
 Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon -
 Free Coffee & Donuts
 
 Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 box
 
 Fully cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 lb
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 13 Mar 1999 01:44:50 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Memo on Y2K
 
Dear Boss:
 
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions.  Because to
be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.  At
any  rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on
all the company calendars for next year (year 2000).  The calendars
have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with
the following new months:
      Januark
      Februark
      Mak
      Julk
 
I've also changed the following days:
      Mondak
      Tuesdak
      Wednesdak
      Thursdak
      Fridak
      Saturdak
      Sundak
 
In general, all references to "Day" were changed to "Dak"
(e.g. "President's Dak").  And all references to "Birthday" were
changed to "Birthdak" (e.g. "Washington's Birthdak").
 
I had a hard time deciding about "New Year's Day", "Martin Luther
King, Jr. Day", "Yom Kippur", and "Hanukkah", but I finally changed
them to "New Kear's Dak", "Martin Luther Ying, Jr. Dak", "Kom
Yippur", and "Hanuyyah".
 
          --from: Dave Stringer-Calvert
            via Risks-List: Risks-Forum Digest
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1999 to 13 Mar 1999
************************************************
 
