HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1999 to 12 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 376 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Don't Tread on Me
  2. Rolling, Rolling, Rolling <adult>
  3. Those Poor Blondes
  4. Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters <adult>
  5. Carjacking
  6. Playground Equiptment (Pun)
  7. Fishy <risque>
  8. Zodiac Light Bulbs
  9. How to Date: Pisces <clean>
 10. Dueling Openers
 
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Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 01:46:01 -0600
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Don't Tread on Me
 
This is an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,
1995.  Radio conversation released by the U.S. Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.
 
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
 
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
a collision.
 
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR
course.
 
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
 
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.  THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
 
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse.  Your call.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 06:15:03 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rolling, Rolling, Rolling <adult>
 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...
the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
 
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.  A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.  She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
tampons for your wife?"
 
He answers, "You see, it's like this.  Yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.  So, I figure that if I have
to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 07:03:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Those Poor Blondes
 
Judi, a buxom blonde gal, walked into her doctor's office with a
hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he must report all
gunshot wounds and asked her to explain the circumstances.
 
Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide and first stuck the gun in my mouth. But then, I suddenly
remembered that I just had all that bridge work done and I didn't
want to ruin it! So I pointed the gun between my eyes and then
remembered that I had a nose job done not too long ago and I didn't
want to ruin it! Then, I pointed my gun at my heart, and then
remembered that I had these boobs done recently and I didn't want
to ruin them! So then, I stuck the gun in my ear and thought, wait
a minute, this is going to be really loud!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 08:13:54 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters <adult>
 
#10 Tweety Bird -
You know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the
"hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew
kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front
of the bus, and got me in trouble.
 
#9 Grape Ape -
A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so
non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath
covet their neighbors model airplane."
 
#8 Olive Oyl -
Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth
fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks
like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat.
Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can
never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl
is just bad news.
 
#7 Petunia Pig -
Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the
point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did they
think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
 
#6 Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers -
What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie
loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in
crumby rock band? An awful and thankfully short-lived idea.
 
#5 Pepe LePew -
Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?  Let's
take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse
still, he's French.
 
#4 Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats -
How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for
crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was
like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something... you're no Fred.
 
#3 Zan and Jana, the Wondertwins -
How many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the
professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted
out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for
dead weight in this game.
 
#2 Kazoo, from the Flintstones -
It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to
Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch... I know!  Let's give
him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna
Barbera, please?
 
#1 Scrappy Doo -
And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just
came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning
cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.
 
          --via "Ernie's House of Whoop Ass"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 20:45:57 +0100
From:    Csongor Janos <jccbtr@ELENDER.HU>
Subject: Carjacking
 
True Story
 
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows
how to use it and that she will, if required... so get out of the
car.
 
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
 
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.  Her car was
identical and parked four / five spaces further down.
 
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4
pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly,
white woman... no charges were filed
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 09:43:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Playground Equiptment (Pun)
 
Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground
equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a
preponderance of Larch trees.
 
Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except
for those rusty old slides."
 
Remarked the second, "Yes... you must beware the slides of Larch!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 18:03:53 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <e_witt@SHAW.WAVE.CA>
Subject: Fishy <risque>
 
There are two things that smell like fish and fish is one of them.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 22:13:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Zodiac Light Bulbs
 
            How many sun signs of a particular type
            does it take to change a light bulb?
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?
 
Taurus:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one
is useless and should be thrown away.
 
Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing who
is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
 
Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.
 
Leo:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
 
Virgo:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
 
Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?
 
Scorpio:
That secret information can be shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
 
Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?
 
Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
 
Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so based on
the position of the moon and the...
 
Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?
 
                --from Kelli
                  via: Scream of the Crop
 
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 12 Mar 1999 09:42:10 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Pisces <clean>
 
February 20-March 20 - Pisces
 
How To Date A Pisces Female
 
If you are dating a Pisces female,
- take her to a psychic far, art gallery, or out for cocktails.
- Don't take her to the animal shelter, or you will have a new pet.
- You can wear anything you like, and you get to make all the
  decisions.
- She prefers men with a passion about something, just believe in
  it.
- Music is one of her favorites and dancing is definitely a must.
  If you can't dance, take lessons.
- Pisces females don't care if you are good looking, just have a
  heart.
- A sense of humor is an asset, she has one too.
- She has no confidence in herself, so support her in her dreams.
- She falls in love easily.
- Don't promise her a rose garden, if you don't mean it.
- When you go to the movies, take tissues.  It does not matter what
  the movie is about, she will inevitably cry, when something
  touches her.
- Pisces females love everyone, even if they treated her badly.
- She hates to see pain, but can drown in her own.
- Cheer her up, be a positive kind of guy, and be romantic.
- Encourage her to not live in your shadow, but to have her own
  life.
- Yes, your Pisces woman will marry you.
- Pisces females have a hard time saying "No"!
 
 
How To Date A Pisces Male
 
If you are dating a Pisces male,
- it will be up to you to decide where to go, what to do, whose car
  to take.
- He likes music, alcohol, and strong-willed women.
- He will do whatever you want.
- He has an extremely creative side, which takes precedence over
  his mundane duties of the everyday work world.
- He could be happy being supported by you, because he would
  surrender all of himself to you and your causes.
- Pisces males are romantic, and hate to make decisions.
- He does not want to displease you in any way.
- He donates to every solicitor knocking at the door.
- Pisces males are not normally good money managers, therefore, you
  get to. He won't mind.  He would give you every paycheck.
- He loves you when you are dreamy and romantic, with the candles
  lit and soft music.
- He will cook for you.
- He dresses nicely and won't embarrass you in  public.
- If you want to marry this man, just take him home.  He's yours.
- Pisces males can't bear divorce. Marriage minded they are, Pisces
  males!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 20:11:46 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Dueling Openers
 
My husband and son are both talented guitar players, and we have
several styles of guitars at our house.  Once, my son heard me
complain that one of our two can openers was broken.
 
"Which on?" he asked.  "The electric or the acoustic?"
 
          --Melinda Hicks in Reader's Digest
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1999 to 12 Mar 1999
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