HUMOR Digest - 10 Mar 1999 to 11 Mar 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 387 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Golf
  2. Top5 - 3/19/99 - Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday
  3. Smiles (adult)
  4. Us Blondes Aren't Bumb!! <off. to blondes>
  5. Beware Of Dog!
  6. Blonde Wins
  7. Spies (Pun)
  8. How to Date: Aquarius <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 03:08:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
 
*   I was playing golf with my Minister and watched as he missed
  a putt by less than an inch.  He paused and said, "Drat !!!"
    I said, "Pastor, if that's the best you can cuss, you ain't
  never gonna break par."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Not that I wear them out, but somehow, I'm always buying new
  golf balls.  I stopped in the pro shop and bought a dozen good
  ones.  The clerk said, "Shall I wrap them ?"
    I smiled and replied, "No thanks, I'll drive them home."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The duffer had been on the course for over three hours. He
  eyed his young caddie and said, "You must be getting tired
  carrying my clubs for so long."
    "No, not really." the lad replied. "I'm more tired from all
  the counting."
                           - - - - -
 
*   After having a few too many beers while waiting to tee-off
  the tipsy golfer managed to get onto the first green in just
  twelve strokes.  After putting for the third time, he hit the
  ball off the green and into a trap.
    As he stalked over towards the ball, he sneered, "You guys
  tilt the green one more time and I quit !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Waiting at the Clubhouse for their other two partners after
  finishing 18 holes, the pair became concerned because the two
  were nowhere in sight.  One man dialed one of the missing
  foursome on his cell phone. "Hey Doc." he said. "Isn't Morris
  finished yet ?  How many strokes has he had ?"
    "About 146 with the clubs and one, possibly two apoplectic."
  the doctor replied.
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 06:28:26 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/19/99 - Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                 Barbie Ferrari Sold Separately
                         March 10, 1999
 
         Mattel's Barbie turned 40 years old on Monday.
         Hard to believe, isn't it?  It seems like only
      yesterday she was a 10 year old with a 40-inch bust.
 
      The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday
 
14> Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
 
13> Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
 
12> For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little
    chunky."
 
11> Got "dollfaced."
 
10> Same as last year -- had another rib removed.
 
 9> Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
 
 8> Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while
    listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock.
 
 7> Dumped Ken.
    Flashed thong at Bill.
    Waited for million dollar book deal.
 
 6> Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
 
 5> Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View"
    with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells
    cookies.
 
 4> Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
 
 3> Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just
    like the rest of us do.
 
 2> Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
 
             and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way
         Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday...
 
 1> Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 07:04:59 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (adult)
 
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the
cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied,
"Earl."
 
"You got a last name, Earl?"
 
"Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."
 
"I got time."
 
Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl
Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so
I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so
I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D.,
D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and
got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the
medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was
known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found
out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with
VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a
rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the
hell is that all about?"
 
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his
feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep
him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold
down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume
party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He
says, "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says,
"Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says,
"Still not big enough."
 
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the
children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy
in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in
your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy."
 
The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 08:05:08 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Us Blondes Aren't Bumb!! <off. to blondes>
 
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A; The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
A:
A: ?
A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me??
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign
        in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and
one of them calls 911:
 
  Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
  Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
  Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
  Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
  Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
  Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
          and hurt ourselves.
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
"What's the date today?" asks a blonde.
 
"I don't know.  You've got a newspaper in your hands...
 why don't you look at it?"
 
"That wouldn't do any good, it's yesterday's paper."
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Did you hear about the new epidemic among rich blondes?
It's called MAIDS  - if they don't get one, they die.
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see
"20,000 Leagues Under The Sea"?
 
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised
that there were so many teams.
           ++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Why do so many blondes dye their roots dark?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 08:47:27 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Beware Of Dog!
 
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.  Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the
cash register.
 
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
 
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
 
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
 
"Because" the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 10:45:00 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Blonde Wins
 
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to
drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off
prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor
home; I WON a motor home!"
 
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest
prize given away was a mini van!"
 
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
 
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says,
"You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't
have that as a prize!"
 
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a
motor home!"
 
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN
A BAGEL."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 17:24:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Spies (Pun)
 
During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break.
 
On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan
were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East
gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the
floodlights caught them in the act.

As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so
careful. How did you ever catch us?"
 
The German replied, "It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell
... when Irish spies are filing."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 11 Mar 1999 09:30:33 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Aquarius <clean>
 
January 21-February 19 - Aquarius
 
How To Date An Aquarius Female
 
If you are dating an Aquarius female,
- arrive in your restored classic.
- Wear a funky hat and clothes that shouldn't go together, but
  somehow do.
- Take her to an out of the way coffee house, featuring jazz.
- Feel free to discuss anything and everything.  She is an
  intelligent listener, and will have some bizarre insight of
  her own.
- You'll never truly understand her, so bring a tape recorder for
  instant replay to sort it out later.
- Aquarius women are unusual, not necessarily hippies, but aware of
  the entire globe.
- She won't be ready to jump in the sack on the first date, she has
  to get to know you.
- Be fascinating, tell her that you are going to Spain to run with
  the bulls.
- Explain your philosophy on combining chemicals to combat
  radiation.
- Tell her about your thesis which was published in the
  "International Who Dunnit Magazine".
- Don't tell her you are in love with her too soon.
- You will know when she has taken a strong liking to you. That is
  when your Aquarius female will invite you to her abode.  Then you
  will see the real Aquarius female. There will be many unusual
  pictures, and books.  There is a story connected to all of her
  belongings.
- When your Aquarius female commits to you, she will not
  necessarily be
- ready for marriage. That is just her way of saying she likes you.
- You must have like minds, or there will be no future Mrs.
  Anybody!
 
 
How To Date An Aquarius Male
 
If you are dating an Aquarius male,
- consider yourself  lucky to even get the first date.
- Aquarius males don't date much.  They would rather be an
  observer, hanging out on the scene.
- He would prefer to go to your house and have long talks into
  the night, and possibly just stay over.
- He may tell you that he just video taped an erotica video
  featuring wild animals at the zoo with some vacationing starlets.
- He may stay at your house, never cook or clean, but just be
  there, when you come home from work.  Then one day, without
  warning, he will be gone.
- If he is employed, he can be quite selfish with his money.
- He likes his freedom, in every way.
- Eventually he will call you... expect the unexpected with
  Aquarius.
- When Aquarius males fall in love, it is usually with someone who
  is intellectual, self-sufficient, and childless.
- Have a deep purpose or goal in life and he will be attracted to
  your dreams.
- Aquarius males will marry, but they usually marry the wrong
  person the first time, and shy away from second marriages.
- They love their mental freedom.
- Nagging won't change them.
- He won't care what race you are, how much you weigh, etc.
- Mind altering drugs can ruin an Aquarian male for marriage
  completely.
- If he is more holistic, then he is searching for a soul mate.
- Love yourself and your Aquarius male will too!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Mar 1999 to 11 Mar 1999
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