HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1999 to 10 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 400 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Human Animal
  2. Top5 - 3/9/99 - Powers of the Young Darth Vader
  3. After The Revival
  4. A Farmyard Tale (mature)
  5. Origins <adult>
  6. The Laughing Baby
  7. Farcical comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. How to Date: Capricorn <clean>
  9. The rash <risque>
 
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Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 03:36:17 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Human Animal
 
* I was bored the other day and sent out 25 e-mails to various
  friends with one word -- "Congratulations !!!"  Only 3 wrote
  back asking what the pat on the back was for.  Therefore, I
  guess the other 22 accomplished something worthy recently.
                           - - - - -
 
*   An up-and-coming Yuppie finally established a software firm
  in Columbia Maryland. A friend asked him how he'd managed to
  "stick-it-out" during the lean start-up period.
    "It was easy." replied the new entrepreneur. "I just rolled
  up my sleeves, worked longer and harder, then borrowed another
  couple hundred thousand from my parents."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A druggist was promoting the new super-improved Rogaine hair
  restorer when a customer asked if it really were effective.
    "I'll say !" replied the pharmacist. "Yesterday a lady wanted
  some for her husband.  She opened the safety cap with her teeth
  and this morning, she called to say she had a mustache."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and
  came across a menu entree "T-Bone $ 4.25 *".  I inquired of
  the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price.
    He advised me to check the bottom of the menu.  Next to the
  "*" was "with meat, $14.95"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Now that Mrs JimJr and I are alone in a rather large house,
  my daughter asked if I was going to turn one of the empty
  bedrooms into a den.
    Mrs JimJr interrupted with, "Your Father doesn't need one
  dear.  He just growls anywhere in the house."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 05:57:12 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/9/99 - Powers of the Young Darth Vader
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                          March 9 1999
 
       The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader
 
14> Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the
    other side of the planet.
 
13> Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin
    teacher's house.
 
12> The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces
    of his mortal enemies.
 
11> Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in
    his room and putting his hand in warm water.
 
10> Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
 
 9> For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones
    impression.
 
 8> Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no
    prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
 
 7> The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
 
 6> Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after
    only one bean burrito.
 
 5> Won the high school talent show every year by making the
    vice principal writhe in pain.
 
 4> Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
 
 3> The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe
    that through the constant application of love and
    understanding *they* can change him.
 
 2> "You don't need to see my I.D.  You know I'm old enough to
    buy beer."
 
              and Topfive.com's Number 1
       Special Power of the Young Darth Vader...
 
 1> Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending
    doom = Goth babe magnet!
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 06:22:51 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: After The Revival
 
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing
the results with one another.
 
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us!
We gained 4 new families."
 
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6
new families."
 
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 07:22:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Farmyard Tale (mature)
 
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied
for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
 
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the
farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save
his friend's life.
 
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer and managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end
to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove
slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the
horse!
 
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship
between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.
 
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and he too began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and
he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip
and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
 
The moral of the story?
 
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up
chicks.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 08:24:58 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Origins <adult>
 
          The Origin of Officer Rand and Insignia
 
2LT - Relatively soft, easily shaped, and often hammered upon,
the gold ingot is the perfect symbol of the Second Lieutenant's
rank and station.
 
1LT - Somewhat harder, holds its shape better, and needs less
hammering, the bar of silver is well-suited to represent the rank
of the  First Lieutenant.
 
CPT - Worth 2 lieutenants, the Captain's insignia of rank reflects
his worth and is configured to resemble a railroad track, giving
him the impression that he drives the train.
 
COL - An eagle of silver, the Colonel's rank reflects both his
lofty station and his ability to see and know all that goes on
beneath  him.
 
GEN - The General's rank is symbolized by stars, for they are
higher than all, give light to all, and are out of reach.
 
MAJ/LTC/ - Ever since the dawn of time, men have used leaves
to cover up their dicks.
 
          --via Ernie's House of Whoop Ass
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 10:08:08 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Laughing Baby
 
A baby girl was born and the obstetrician immediately noticed two
things. The first was that the baby was laughing uncontrollably;
the second was that her right hand was tightly clasped into a fist.
 
The O.B. pried open the baby's fist and found a birth control pill.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 21:20:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Farcical comments and questions about contemporary life
 
If you laugh at lot, when you get old, your wrinkles will all be in
the right places.
 
I just found out my boss is taking away my internet access because
I use it to read Humor every day. :-)
 
I understand the airlines are going to offer pot-luck flights,
where each passenger brings a dish.
 
My high school was so tough the Taco Bell across the street had a
bouncer.
 
Sign in men's room: This is our urinal, it's ourinal, so please
flush.
 
My Republican friend named his children Deduction One and Deduction
Two.
 
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the
Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called
an election.
 
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting
entertainment to be educational?
 
Now that the impeachment hearings are over, Congress can get back
to important business, like naming things after Ronald Reagan.
 
Why do overlook and over see mean opposite things?
 
Parents of eight-grade girls, have you heard the latest? Who can be
the first to give a boy a condom? Things sure have changed since I
was a girl.
 
Talk about cheap: I work in a card shop. A man came in with his
wife. They selected Valentine's cards for each other, read them and
then put them back. I wonder what they do for Christmas?
 
My credit has gotten so bad that people are even afraid of my cash.
 
Everything's starting to click for me-my elbows, my neck and my
knees.
 
George Will is living proof that some people were weaned on a
pickle.
 
The Redneck driving philosophy: I own the road. I can drive any
speed I want in any lane.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 09:35:23 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Capricorn <clean>
 
December 22-January 20 - Capricorn
 
How To Date A Capricorn Female
 
If you are dating a Capricorn female,
- Take her to dinner at the best restaurant in town
- Arrive in a limousine with flowers.
- Dress in your designer clothes, and be impeccable.
- Pinstripes and subtle scents arouse her.
- Be successful at whatever you are undertaking. Let her know
  about it.
- It's ok, to tell her you made two million last year.
- Don't be cheap.
- Tell her you have been saving yourself for the right woman,
  and that you have been working your buns off, to build your
  empire.
- Tell her you need someone to share this big business burden with,
  and that your thoughts are about expanding your business.
- Hint that a woman, would be perfect as a manager in your new
  expansion. She will be so intrigued, that she will offer you
  sound business suggestions.
- She is SMART!
- Capricorn females won't compete with you, they'll help climb the
  ladder.
- Don't forget about her.  She loves expensive presents with
  thought behind them.
- Her little "black book" is filled with business appointments,
  not telephone numbers.
- Capricorn women are almost always successful in whatever they
  undertake.  They don't take enough time to eat, so take her to
  lunch, dinner and your next corporate meeting.
- Business thrills them.
- She may seem cold emotionally, but don't be fooled.
- She has those sexual infernos, looking for a release!
- She does not trust men entirely, so don't give her the bums rush,
  or you will be part of the homeless.
- She would be a great wife to a success oriented man.
- She can entertain your clients, and friends.
- Capricorn females, can be boss in marriage too.
- Be prepared to be hen-pecked, if you are thinking marriage!
 
 
How To Date A Capricorn Male
 
If you are dating a Capricorn male,
- Plan on doing most of the talking.
- He will take you to places with class and ambience.
- He will pick you up in his black, luxury car.
- You will be treated like a lady. Therefore, you should let him
  open the doors, etc.
- Dress in style, but be sure you show some cleavage.
- Still waters run deep with Capricorn males.
- Your first dates will seem like business meetings, but eventually
  you will get to know him.
- He is insecure about his emotions and likes to keep them under
  control.  Of course, he won't make this obvious.
- Compliment him on his achievements and he will open up to you.
- He would be strict as a parent, and holds very traditional
  beliefs about relationships.
- Don't be an airhead or aimless.
- He appreciates a hard working woman, whom he can consider an
  equal.
- He does not know how to play, so you will have to lighten him up
  with your humorous antics and fun loving side.
- Once your Capricorn man commits, he will not leave you.
- Divorce is a nasty word in his vocabulary.
- Capricorn males make good husbands and bread winners.
- They are extravagant with gifts to those whom they love.
- Marriage will have to be his idea, not yours!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 10 Mar 1999 01:57:13 EST
From:    Frank Wisneski <FrankWise@AOL.COM>
Subject: The rash <risque>
 
One day a doctor who works on a college campus was visited by a
female student who had a strange rash on her chest. As she was
telling the Dr, he requested to see it. She took off her shirt,
and there on her chest was a rash in the shape of an "A". The Dr
thought that was strange and asked her about it.
 
She said "well, the only thing I can think of, is that my boyfriend
goes to Alabama University, and it's tradition to make love to your
girlfriend with your letter sweater on"
 
The Dr thinks about it, figures she's allergic to the material of
her boyfriends sweater, gives her some ointment and sends her on
her way.
 
The next day, another female student comes in complaining of the
same thing.
 
The Dr asks to see the rash, and as she removes her top, he notices
that she has a rash in the shape of an "O".
 
He asks her how she got it, and she says" well, the only thing I
can think of, is that my boyfriend goes to Oregon State, and it's
tradition to make love to your girlfriend with your letter sweater
on"
 
The Dr thinks about it, figures she's allergic to the material of
her boyfriends sweater, gives her some ointment and sends her on
her way.
 
The following day a 3rd girl comes in complaining of a rash. The
Dr's catching on so he just asks to see it.
 
As she's removing her top he notices that her rash is in the shape
of an "M"
 
He says" don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Michigan State,
right?"
 
And she says" No, but my girlfriend goes to Washington, why do you
ask?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1999 to 10 Mar 1999
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