HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1999 to 9 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 526 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Military
  2. Stupid Laws
  3. Cyberwocky
  4. 4 catholic women <off. religion>
  5. Stupid Criminal Story #11
  6. Humorous Church bloopers <non offensive>
  7. Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
  8. New Pill fer Males!!!! & Definitions
  9. Quotes - assorted
 10. The Maiden & The Tailor (Puns)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 03:24:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Military
 
* Times sure have changed since I was in the Navy.  I know all
  of the services had to add amenities to attract recruits, but
  personally, I think the strolling violin players in the chow
  hall at the Naval Academy were a bit much.
                           - - - - -
 
* Believe it or not, there's still fallout from the scandal at
  the Aberdeen Proving Grounds Army Base here in Maryland. One
  promiscuous local lass has been charged with contributing to
  the delinquency of a Major.
                           - - - - -
 
* Although not yet approved for combat roles, the women in the
  Marines do indeed participate in training with their male
  counterparts.  Some of the men are having a hard time working
  with women in the field.  Noticing a Lieutenant had dropped
  an ammo clip, a Corporal picked it up and said, "Pardon me, I
  think you dropped this babe, Sir."
                           - - - - -
 
*   "Homecoming" events still draw quite a few old grads around
  here.  At such functions, it's kinda traditional to introduce
  yourself with your name, campus (Univ of Md has several) and
  then your graduation year.
    One fellow was making the rounds was introducing himself as
  "Billy [Smith], Vietnam, Clash of '62."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Coming into port, the ship encountered a heavy fog.  The
  Captain ordered all engines stopped, as they were going to
  wait it out before entering the narrow channel.
    A young Ensign, thinking to score some points said, "But
  Sir, I can see the stars above."
    The Old Man looked evenly at the boy and replied, "Sonny,
  unless the engines explode, we ain't going that way."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 07:09:38 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Stupid Laws
 
NEW YORK -
 * It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
 * The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
 
NEW JERSEY -
 * You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service
   only.
 * In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a
   restaurant.
 
CALIFORNIA -
 * It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
 * Women may not drive in a house coat.
 
FLORIDA -
 * It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
   swimsuit.
 * Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
 
OHIO -
 * Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in
   public.
 * It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
 
KANSAS -
 * Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail
   lights.
 * No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
 
OKLAHOMA -
 * Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at
   a dog.
 * State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's
   hamburger.
 
ALABAMA -
 * It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in
   church.
 * Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.
 
WISCONSIN -
 * In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
 * Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state
   prisons.
 
VIRGINIA -
 * It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
 * Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is
   outlawed.
 
TEXAS -
 * It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while
   standing.
 * It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining
   a permit.
 
ILLINOIS -
 * It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police
   officer.
 * Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
 
IOWA -
 * Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five
   minutes.
 * One-armed piano players must perform for free.
 
WASHINGTON -
 * It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
 * People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
 
MASSACHUSETTS -
 * Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
 * It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
 
                            And finally:
 
ARIZONA -
 * It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
 * In Tucson, women may not wear pants.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 06:17:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cyberwocky
 
     (With Apologies to Lewis Carroll)
 
'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.
 
"Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that's free!
Beware the Netscape cache, and shun
The AOL mail id!'"
 
He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought --
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.
 
And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!
 
The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And 'twas absurd, the hype he'd heard
'Bout sites that he had picked.
 
"And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!"
He messaged on his MUD.
 
'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.
 
          --by Mike "Hammerwocky" Hammond
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 9 Mar 1999 16:33:17 -0000
From:    Richard Russell <rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: 4 catholic women <off. religion>
 
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman
tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'.
 
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
 
The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
 
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the
first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"  So she replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied stripper. When he walks
into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 11:23:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #11
 
                  Thief Gets Swift Retribution
 
NAIROBI (Reuters) - A Kenyan thief who stole the collection at a
Sunday service in Nairobi's All Saints Cathedral was killed by a
bus when he fled with his loot, the Kenya Times newspaper reported
Monday.
 
The middle-aged man sat with worshippers through the service
without arousing suspicions.
 
``But when the time for offerings was reached... Satan apparently
took control and he was sighted by some horrified faithful,
stashing some of the money into his pockets,'' the newspaper said.
 
When confronted, he took to his heels, ran out onto a busy highway
and straight into the path of a speeding bus, the paper said.
 
                  A possible candidate for the Darwin Award?

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 13:23:25 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humorous Church bloopers <non offensive>
 
     This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins
     and Service bloopers:
 
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
  community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
  nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
  Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.
  She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
  David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
  ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
  ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
  and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the
  ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
  join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
  of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
  carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
  They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
  follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
  of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
  ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
  enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
  Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the
  choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy".
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
  of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
  audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister
  the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the
  service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the
  Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
  the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
  invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
  preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
  recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign
  slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."
 
          --from Dr. Rodney Clarken
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 14:40:04 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Laughable comments & questions about contemporary life
 
One of the sponsors of the Monica Lewinsky 20/20 TV interview as
Victoria's Secret. It figures.
 
I think this no-fly zone they have is a good idea. They also need a
no-mosquito zone, too.
 
NOW: National Organization for Willie.
 
How do you know when you're in the middle of nowhere?
 
Which is more important, to actually know what you are talking
about or to sound like you do?
 
March Madness is here, and unfortunately Dick Vitale is the
psychiatrist.
 
My high school was so tough the Taco Bell across the street had a
bouncer.
 
If you laugh a lot, when you get old, your wrinkles will all be in
the right places.
 
Sign in a men's room: This is not urinal, it's ourinal, so please
flush.
 
My Republican friend named his children Deduction 1 & Deduction 2.
 
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the
Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called
an election.
 
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting
entertainment to be educational?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 14:12:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: New Pill fer Males!!!! & Definitions
 
DIRECTRA... just a 5 milligram dose of this drug given to men
before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and
ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of
0.2 percent.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
 
  ==> female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
 
  ==>   male:  Playing ball without a cup.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 17:18:58 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Quotes - assorted
 
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I
 replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any
 witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too."
         --Jake Johansen
 
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
         --Dick Cavett
 
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." 
         --Garry Shandling
 
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
         --Rita Rudner
 
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At
 least they can find Kuwait."
         --A. Whitney Brown
 
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
         --Michael McShane
 
"My mom said she learned how to swim.  Someone took her out in the
 lake & threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim
 I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "     
         --Paula Poundstone
 
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
 skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study:
 Duh."
         --Conan O'Brien
 
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
 That's why you should never date a baseball player."
         --Marsha Warfield
 
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
 something else."
         --Lily Tomlin
 
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
 the same thing:  'This looks much better on.' On what?  On fire?"
         --Rita Rudner
 
"I was raised by just my mom.  See, my father died when I was eight
 years old.  At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
         --Drew Carey
 
"USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of
 four people make up 75 percent of the population."
        --David Letterman
 
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
 dressing and spaghetti sauce... I thought he was missing."
         --Bob Saget
 
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
 specific."
         --Lily Tomlin
 
"The Swiss have an interesting army.  Five hundred years without a
 war. Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them.  Ever see
 that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?  Not much of
 a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers.  'Come on, buddy,
 let's go.  You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a
 spoon. Back off.  I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
         --Jerry Seinfeld
 
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
 would be dead."
         --Johnny Carson
 
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
        --Steven Wright
 
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
 by standing up really fast."
         --Johnathan Katz
 
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
 when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
         --Lily Tomlin
 
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
 to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
         --Jerry Seinfeld
 
"I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New
 York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
 just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
         --Richard Jeni
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 19:41:37 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Maiden & The Tailor (Puns)
 
                    The Maiden
 
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she
lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her
father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of
his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased
amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep,
speedily carried her off. Moral: ... Treads rush in where wise men
fear to fool.
               - - - - - - - - - -
 
                      The Taylor
 
A tailor thought it fitting to take his young son into his very
suitable business. Tailor, Jr. didn t think very much of the idea,
but what father wants, father often gets. Jr. did fine learning the
trade. He understood the material things, the cutting, the fitting;
all in all he measured up quite well. However, try as he might, he
could not master sewing. Whenever he did try his hand at it, his
father scolded him, said it was improperly done.  Undo it and try
again.  Lots of thread was wasted. So much so that Sr. tried a new
tack, saying kind words instead of harsh ones. Alas, to no avail.
One day in frustration, the father said: ...  Spools rush in where
wise mends fear to thread.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1999 to 9 Mar 1999
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