HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1999 to 8 Mar 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Admission to Heaven <adult>
  2. This Is Scary...
  3. Ugly fat birds act <offensive>
  4. Gotcha!!
  5. A couple of quickies <clean, insipid>
  6. Short Tails (Puns)
  7. Ships in the Night
  8. How to Date: Sagittarius <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 03:53:45 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Admission to Heaven <adult>
 
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they
both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to
heaven.
 
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so Saint
Peter must decide which of them gets in.
 
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look
at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and
I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day
for eternity."
 
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question.
She then drops her skirt & panties, takes a bottle of Perrier
out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
 
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
 
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I
show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting
hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
 
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a
pair any day."
 
 
        --from the  * Mutts Nuts Mailing List *
          visit the website: http://laugh.at/muttsnuts/
          or email muttsnuts-subscribe@listbot.com
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 08:12:02 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: This Is Scary...
 
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together
this list to try and give the faculty a sense of the mind set of
that year's incoming freshman.
 
 1. The people starting college this fall across the nation were
    born in 1980.
 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did
    not know he had ever been shot
 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
    Depression.
 5. There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one
    president.
 6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not
    remember the Cold War.
 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill
    to them, not a movie.
 8. They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger
    blowing up.
 9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, & likely, do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always
    been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing
    to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of
    Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are
    pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new.
    What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may never have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they
    probably have never heard or seen one.
19. The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
    they seen a black & white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta
    is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
    is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI and WWII
    or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in
    Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a
    mile for a Camel" or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are places, not
    groups.
42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV, and it has always included
    non-musical shows.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 15:07:37 -0000
From:    Andy Hedges <andy@HEDGES.NET>
Subject: Ugly fat birds act <offensive>
 
WHEREAS it is desired that all parties wish to define the legal
and acceptable behaviour in respect of all Ugly and Fat Birds
(hereinafer defined) wheresoever located, THIS ACT, hereinafter
referred to as the Act, demands the following as the law of the
land:
 
Definition:
An Ugly and Fat Bird, also referred to as a Fat Bird or Ugly Bird
interchangeably and all terms to infer the other, is defined as:
  a) Any female who requires a male (the Bloke) to consume a
     minimum of eight pints of larger (or such other beverage as
     may be deemed appropriate at the time and subject to the
     Court's discretion as to suitability in any subsequent
     investigation) and/or a shotgun to the head before snogging
     becomes feasible.
  b) Any female who solicits van and truck drivers to shout
     'Boiler', whilst they simultaneously bang the side of the
     van/truck during a drive past.
  c) Any female who, when weighing herself on the 'Boots the
     Chemist' scales (or other such public scales as may be
     reasonable) receives the response 'No coach parties'.
  d) Any female who is deemed Ugly and Fat by the boys (the
     Arbitration Committee) particularly after having refused to
     shag any of the Arbitration Committee, alone or in any
     combination, after a request made in a pub, inn, bar, night
     club or any other establishment of ill repute, especially on
     or after an all dayer (the Leo Sayer).
  e) Any female who comes to a Bloke's mind when any or all of the
     jokes more properly detailed in Appendix I (the Jokes) are
     told.
  f) Any female who is nicknamed Big Bertha or Ten Ton Tessie by
     her colleagues and/or friends behind her back.
 
Section 1: Clothing
  a) It shall be a crime for a Fat Bird to be seen out in public
     wearing anything more revealing than a barrel.
  b) The wearing of jeans without protective baggy jumper by Fat
     Birds is punishable by execution.
  c) Fat Birds are forbidden to wear skirts or leggings in public.
  d) Beachwear is limited to a large windbreak, to be placed in
     such a way that it conceals the Fat Bird.
 
Section 2: Relationships With Men
  a) No Ugly or Fat Bird shall take advantage of a Bloke's drunken
     state. Being drunk is a Bloke's right. The offence carries a
     life sentence.
  b) On the male part, drunkenness is no excuse. Should he succumb
     to a Fat or Ugly Bird, he will spend the rest of his days
     being ridiculed by his mates.
  c) Should a snog take place, sexual intercourse may well follow.
     This is only acceptable in the eyes of the law if the Bloke
     says: "Eeh, you're a big 'un" and laughs at her before, during
     and after the act of copulation and tells her one or both of
     the Jokes.
  d) Under no circumstances shall a relationship beyond a "quick
     shag" develop. To do so will result in castration for the man
     and execution for the Ugly Bird.
 
Section 3: Force Majeure
Ugly Blokes may plead before the Court that they have to take what
comes along. This is no excuse as prostitution is easily
accessible. Though this is illegal, it is far less embarrassing to
be caught kerb-crawling than it is to be seen in the company of a
Fat or Ugly Bird.
 
Section 4: Miscellaneous Provisions
  a) A Bloke is well within the law to shout abuse at Ugly or Fat
     Birds he may see in the street.
  b) Public houses, nightclubs and bars will introduce a Fat and
     Ugly section where these kind of women may socialize amongst
     one another, thereby avoiding them spoiling a good night out
     for Blokes.
 
Section 5: Relationships Between Fat and Ugly Birds
  a) If two Fat and Ugly Birds desire to commence sexual relation-
     ships with each other they will be referred to as Muff
     Munchers, Juice Jugglers, "Clam Slammers" or Gusset Typists
     (or such other amusing Bloke-developed terms as may be
     applicable and trendy at the time) in the usual custom and
     manner. This is perfectly acceptable as it leaves more fit
     and rampant totty for the Blokes to shag.
  b) The aforementioned dick vans must not, under any circum-
     stances, be seen to engage in any overt sexual behavior in
     public on pain of everyone else being sick.

Section 6: Comfort Eating and Related Issues
  a) The Fat Bird will eat copious amounts of food, including, but
     not limited to, sandwiches, pizza, McDonalds, Mars Bars and
     other confectionery, chips, battered sausage, kebabs and
     crisps at the slightest encouragement. Examples of such
     situations include, but are definitely not limited to, death
     of a pet, someone talking to them in a funny way (whatever
     that means), hard day at the office, no friends to go out
     with, breakfast, mid morning  snack, lunchtime, mid
     afternoon snack, dinner and supper.
  b) The Fat Bird will always say 'It's my glands' when attempting
     to justify extreme obesity and unattractiveness to her
     colleagues and friends.
  c) The Fat Bird will bleat on and on about needing to go on a
     diet, hoping for a reassurring 'Oh come on, you really don't
     need to' from a Bloke whereas a Bloke will always be thinking
     'Too fucking right, love!'
 
          The Act is to take effect immediately
          but has been common law for ages.
 

source: http://www.hedges.net the Humor Archive
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 11:41:41 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Gotcha!!
 
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with
a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're
obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me
two 'gotchas'."
 
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along
with it. And off they went.
 
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were
amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
 
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
 
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and
grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to
play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 18:42:46 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A couple of quickies <clean, insipid>
 
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
 
    <Don't scroll down, but instead close your eyes and count
     slowly to 10)
 
A.  A nervous wreck.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
When there is a will... there is a bunch of relatives sitting in
an attorney's office, waiting for it to be read.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Reading HUMOR digest every day for the past four years has not
brained my damage.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:49:59 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Short Tails (Puns)
 
               The Police Horse

New York s Central Park is still patrolled by policemen on
horseback. My six year old son would delight in meeting Officer
O'Rourke every morning on his way to school, & feed the policeman's
horse a doughnut. One morning the horse refused to take the
doughnut.
 
My son asked,  What is wrong with Brownie today?
 
Officer O'Rourke replied,  Oh, this isn't Brownie... This is a
horse of a different cruller.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                        NASA's Plans
 
There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space
colony. At first only people would be sent to the station, followed
by vegetation, then animal life. The first animal to be sent up
will be the cow, since it can provide milk for the babies born on
the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of
cattle... It will be the first herd shot around the world.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                       Eating Habits
 
Once there was a man who had two peas up his nose, a carrot in one
ear and a hunk of steak in the other ear. He went to the doctor and
said, "I'm not feeling well."
 
The doctor said... "You're not eating right."
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         A New Drug
 
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a
new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join
a convent?
 
The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Green Acres
 
I was watching Green Acres the other night and caught a pun...
Lisa kept talking to her goat. She insisted it was her uncle, who
had been reincarcerated as a goat. Oliver insisted that the word
was reincarnated. She said, "No! That's when you come back as a
flower!"
 
          --by Clynch Varnadore
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                         Apples
 
If yew wood be like Johnny Appleseed, yew wood be well advised to
visit Maryland because that's where an apple is. Unless you wish to
try the native variety, In which case you'll need to visit Indiana
because that's where... Indian apple is.
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                   Turning Over a New Leif
 
When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found that
his name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown. He
reported the omission to the chief town official who, deeming it
a slight to a distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the
district census taker.
 
"I'm terribly sorry, apologized that officer in great
embarrassment... "I must have taken Leif off my census"!
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
                      Buying Furniture
 
An elderly gentleman entered a large furniture store and was
greeted by a young salesperson.  "Is there something in particular
I can show you?" she asked.
 
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," the old gent replied.
 
"You mean a sectional sofa," she suggested.
 
"Sectional, schmectional," he bitterly retorted. "All I want
is an occasional piece in the living room!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 7 Mar 1999 14:19:10 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Ships in the Night
 
I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger.
After we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice
and asked, "What do you think of Martha and I as a potential
twosome?"
 
"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like
it."
 
"You're interested in Martha?"
 
"I'm interested in clear communication."
 
"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed.
"Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique
couple."
 
"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."
 
"Oh? And why is that?"
 
"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"
 
"Say what? You think that Martha and me..."
 
"Martha and I."
 
"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."
 
"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."
 
"I feel very badly about this."
 
"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad..."
 
"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"
 
          --credit to: Lawrence Bush
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 8 Mar 1999 09:46:56 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Sagittarius <clean>
 
               November 23-December 21 - Sagittarius
 
How To Date A Sagittarius Female
 
If you are dating a Sagittarius Female,
- be ready willing and able to go anywhere.
- She loves sports and to travel.
- A perfect date would be an overnight excursion to Mount Olympus,
  and skiing down the slopes for breakfast.
- Pick her up in your jeep, or pickup truck, she won't mind your
  dog either.
- Dress casual, and be able to tell her about an Indian Shaman you
  know, who invited you to a tribal ceremony.  She'll want to go
  with you.
- Don't do the same things twice in a row.
- She won't care who you are dating, because she has plenty of men
  friends.
- Sagittarius women can be ready for a date on a moments' notice.
- She'll be great at men's activities, like softball, and eating
  the worm from a Tequila bottle.
- She will have been everywhere, but darn, Sagittarius females are
  fun to be around.
- You can win her heart with variety in your lovemaking.
- She isn't the type to spend time in the kitchen or babysitting.
- Show her you want to be a companion in all of her zany schemes.
- When she falls for you, she will ask you to do things with her.
- Marriage is not on her mind, but she would marry you, if she felt
  you were compatible enough.
- Sagittarius women love their freedom!
 
 
How To Date A Sagittarius Male
 
If you are dating a Sagittarius male,
- expect anything and everything.
- He is not very reliable about schedules, dates, or you.
  Not in the beginning anyway.
- He likes talkative women and female jocks.
- He wants a buddy to join him in his pursuits.
- Most Sagittarius males are employed in sales/traveling jobs.
- They can have a gal in every port.
- Let him tell you he is serious about you first.
- Sagittarius males only get married when they have to, and then
  they can't seem to stay married.
- They love the thrill and adventure of chasing a woman, similar
  to their love of hunting, fishing, and sports. You rank in there
  somewhere.
- You can get used to being a hunting widow, sports widow,
  etc., with a Sagittarius male!
- You should love the same things he does.
- Sagittarius men can be very funny and interesting.
- He will go to restaurants, but throw out his suit and tie.
- Sagittarius males like their comfort and the wide open spaces and
  places, and freedom with their women.
- Make no mistake about it, he does love women, all of them.
- When your Sagittarian's heart goes out to you, he won't know what
  to do about it, because he didn't expect to fall in love.
- If you live with him, he won't find time to go down the aisle.
- Sagittarius men dread the thought of a tuxedo, and the stares
  from wedding guests.
- You will have to drag your Sagittarius male to the altar!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1999 to 8 Mar 1999
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