HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1999 to 7 Mar 1999
There are 4 messages totalling 226 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Funny Things from Kids
  2. Kids Say The Darnest Things
  3. It's Got Teeth!! (adult)
  4. Puny Riddles
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Mar 1999 03:15:10 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Funny Things from Kids
 
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious,
her patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her
head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard her
three-year-old say with a trembling voice,  "Who was *that*?"
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any
brothers & sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
  I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we
alike?"
  "You're both old," he replied.
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's
it about?" he asked.
  "I don't know," she replied.  "I can't read."
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day
she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the
mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They
were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand,
stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off
thy neighbor's wife."
 
                --from Janie & Bill
                  via Jim Arnett
 
 
Source: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/1029/Jokes.htm
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Sat, 6 Mar 1999 08:59:18 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Kids Say The Darnest Things
 
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist.
But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
     --Megan, age 14
 
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After
preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier.
     --Angela Martin, age 11
 
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute.
     --Lisa Coburn, age 9
 
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard
work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes
every other day.
     --Nick Coleman,age 9
 
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if
they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl
and asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took
that risk.
     --Bruce Wagner, age 13
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Mar 1999 16:26:56 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: It's Got Teeth!! ( adult)

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing
room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when
his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's
skirt.
 
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts.  "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
 WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
 
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars that nothing serious happened.
 
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up
thinking that all women have teeth down below.
 
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night,
while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a
little action.
 
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks
him to go a bit further.  "What do you mean?" he asks.
 
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to
 her privates.
 
"HELL NO!" he cries.  "You've got teeth down there."
 
"No I don't," she responds.
 
"Yes you do," he says.  "My mom told me that you do."
 
"No I don't," she insists.  "Here, look for yourself."  With that,
 she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
 
"No I'm sorry" he says.  "My mom already told me that all women
 have teeth down there.
 
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her
 panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't
 have any teeth down there."
 
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not
surprised."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
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Date:    Sat, 6 Mar 1999 19:11:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puny Riddles
 
126. What country does my Malta milk come from?
 
127. A nature photographer spent a lifetime taking photos of
     summits of the world's tallest mountains. Nearing his
     retirement he decided to have his portfolio published. What
     was the title of the book?
 
128. The 2 siblings were often embarrassed to admit they knew the 2
     people upstairs; a dirty, filthy, sweaty female horse jockey &
     her Latin husband, who worked with clay & ceramics. How did
     they introduce them to their friends?
 
129. What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical
     school?
 
130. Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last
     beach movie?
 
Movie of the Week:
1. Julia Roberts and Richard Gere will star in a movie about a
   former prostitute who gets a job answering phones for a
   urologist. It's called:
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
                           (Answers)
 
 
126. Macau (By Gary Hallock)
 
127. Peak-tures (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
128. This Caesar mudder and Potter (pater) (By David Bunch)
 
129. A dead Give-away (By Stan Kegel)
 
130. He was afraid to work without Annette. (A net) (By Alan Combs)
 
Movie 1: An Office Whore And A Genital Man. (By Gary Hallock)
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1999 to 7 Mar 1999
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