HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1999 to 6 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 581 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Married Men
  2. Nicknames <adult>
  3. Different Philosophies
  4. Young Fellow From Sparta <adult, olfactorily off.>
  5. Lonely Eve
  6. This week in the Social Sciences 
  7. Crazy Times Virus Alert
  8. The History of Banking (Pun)
  9. Its a Wacky World! #59
 
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Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 03:20:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Married Men
 
* I'm not saying he's "hen-pecked", but...
  He's still taking orders from his first wife
                           - - - - -
 
* Men get out of marriage what they put into it;
  Well, minus taxes, of course.
                           - - - - -
 
* There was a diplomat who celebrated his 50th anniversary;
  He referred to it as 30 years of war and 20 of detente.
                           - - - - -
 
* Happily married men have a woman who cooks, lives to make
  love and works. If he's lucky, the three will never meet.
                           - - - - -
 
* Some married men prefer very large families...
  They like to lose themselves in the crowd.
                           - - - - -
 
* The only married men who half understand their wives are
  psychiatrists or in desperate need of one.
                           - - - - -
 
* One married guy has a fantasy -- he wants to watch 2 women:
  one cleaning and the other one cooking.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mad at Hillary, Clinton said, "Don't you wish you were a man?"
  Hillary looked him up and down and sneered, "Don't you ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Clinton (I was) he's the laziest husband ever !
  The man won't even exercise discretion.

 
* Then there was the guy who met his wife at a single's bar...
  It was quite a scene, he thought she was home with the kids.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 06:06:29 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Nicknames <adult>
 
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames
based on kinds of soda.
 
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he
is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
 
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has
seven inches and it is always up!"
 
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.
 
The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard
liquor."
 
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 07:05:41 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Different Philosophies
 
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
  tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
  it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on
  it.
- The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the
  softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the
  reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
  is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
  principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
  up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
  tried before.
- Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
  payments.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great
  trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
  good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't
  for you!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 10:08:11 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Young Fellow From Sparta <adult, olfactorily off.>
 
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
   On the strength of one bean
   He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
 
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
   He could fart like a flute,
   Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
 
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
   He could roar from his rear
   Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
 
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
   I had a bagel with lox
   while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
 
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
   He could play on his anus
   The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
 
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
   He'd boom from his ass
   Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
 
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
   He'd proceeded to fart
   The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
 
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
   With a good dose of salts
   He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
 
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
   But his great work of art,
   His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
 
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
   But naught could dishearten
   Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
 
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
   Then, feeling quite jolly,
   He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
 
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
   Then, with his ass thrown aloft
   He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
 
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
   With a gravestone of turds
   Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
 
          --via Swiggy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 14:14:48 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Lonely Eve
 
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have
a problem!"
 
"What's the problem, Eve?"
 
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
 
Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.
 
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
 
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
 
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
 
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time.  But he'll be
bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good
at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
 
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
 
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But you can have him on one condition."
 
"What's that, Lord?"
 
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 17:13:38 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This week in the Social Sciences
 
Feb. 28  Segmentation is Destiny,
 
Segmentation Defines the Polity Grab a handful of variables, dump
them into a clustering algorithm, mix well and market segments will
emerge. If you want to market to targeted groups, ya gotta segment.
Elsewise, you might try to sell refrigerators to Inuits.
 
Now some researchers are using segmentation to define political
subcultures.  According to Paul H. Ray, we now have three distinct
subcultures based on different value dimensions and ignoring stodgy
old variables like race, economic class, ethnicity and religion.
 
The three segments are:
   (1) "Heartlanders" (think Moral Majority but they're only 29%);
   (2) Modernists (47%) who are materialistic, politically cynical
       and, no slaves to consistency, religiously "orthodox;" and
   (3) Cultural Creatives (24%) who adhere to social activism, the
       sacredness of nature and "feminist values in the workplace."
Best of all, according to Ray, instead of a "collapse of morality"
this represents the rise of "multiple sets of values."  "We have
more moral values rattling around than at any time in or history."
Keep your eyes open for deep discounts and a possible clearance
sale by "Heartlanders."
 
 
Source:  Jim Nisbett, Newhouse News Service
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Mar. 1  10 to 1 There'll Be A Bruhaha Over This
 
Studying "compulsive," "pathological," or "addicted" gamblers may
well be the new growth area of the social sciences.  The Chronicle
of Higher Ed reports that researchers are looking at genes, brain
chemistry, or defective cognitive processing to explain these
gamblers and the researchers are getting their money from casino
owners!
 
Consider the cognitive angle: compulsive gamblers believe that, if
they've lost 5 roulette wheel spins in a row, their chances will
improve on the next spin.
 
Just think of the rich array of experiments one could devise to
model such thinking! Critics say that the gambling interests want
scientists to focus on The Addicted (some 2%) rather than the broad
societal cost of gambling.
 
It's much better for casinos to have 50,000 of us each lose $50
than to have one of us lose $2,500,000, especially if the 50,001th
person goes home with $60 and stories about how easy it is to win
against the house.
 
Image is most important!  When researchers in San Diego published a
study connecting elevated suicide rates with big gambling towns
like Vegas and Reno, the American Gaming Association hired
researchers from Irvine (California) to reevaluate the date and
(surprise, surprise) find no correlation.
 
Can't you just hear all those impoverished sociologists out there,
the ones teaching intro classes at three different junior colleges
at a time, smacking their lips in anticipation of all this money.
 
 
source: David L. Wheeler, Chronicle of Higher Ed
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
Mar. 3  In Loco Parentis, Revivified  --Sorta
 
Talk about retro!  Curfews, dress codes, house-mothers and adult
supervised are coming back to college campuses in the US.  All of
these institutions were swept away in the turmoil of the Sixties
when college students rebelled against the idea that their colleges
should act "in place of parents."
 
Todays students are asking to be parented and colleges are vying
with one another as providers of warm fuzzies to their peri-
pubescent customers.
 
David Wheeler reports that Princeton has banned its annual Nude
Olympics and Penn State "has opened an alcohol-free, adult-
supervised student center."
 
Evidently colleges do draw the line at becoming match-makers.  The
Dean of Harvard College recently wrote a guest column in the school
paper "taking exception to the editors' suggestion that Harvard
involve itself more closely in fostering student interpersonal
relations."
 
Why the revival?  Why now?  Wheeler points out that "many parents
are former students {Ie. from the Sixties} who worry that their
children will repeat their wild college years..." Then there is the
problem of lawsuits.  It hasn't happened yet, but I bet a good many
college presidents have nightmares about being named co-defendants
in paternity suits.  Finally, there is the matter of  "consumer
values."  Wheeler writes: "Students and their parents are demanding
better living quarters, better food, better safety & better service
for their tuition."
 
After all, how can colleges expect their students to learn Plato if
they can't get a choice of three entrees, a salad bar and a vegan
menu at the cafeteria?
 
 
Source:  The New York Times
 
(Assembled and compiled by Jim Mica)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 20:34:47 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Crazy Times Virus Alert
 
      ***-- VIRUS WARNING from MeMail.com --***
 
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is
extremely serious.  Please read very carefully and take care!
 
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
 
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
 
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
 
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play.
 
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
 
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-
law's number.
 
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
 
It will drink all your beer.
 
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
 
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton
fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
 
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,
all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and
billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
 
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
 
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
 
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
 
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged
in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
 
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows,
but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
 
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
 
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it
to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
 
It is insidious and subtle.
 
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
 
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
 
These are just a few signs of infection.
 
          --thanks to Judie
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 17:58:07 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The History of Banking (Pun)
 
We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there
has been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are
a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the
man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted
the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial
advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the
Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking. So
really... credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.
 
     --by Stan Kegel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 20:32:43 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #59
 
               Man Sentenced For Stealing Smelly Shoes
 
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A man who stole smelly shoes because he was
addicted to their odor was sentenced to 25 weeks in jail by a
Singapore court, the Straits Times newspaper reported Friday.
 
Truck driver Zainal Mohamed Esa, 43, did not steal the shoes to
sell, but out of a "burning desire, akin to that of a drug addict,
to sniff used pairs of shoes," his lawyer Rai RatanKumar was quoted
as saying.
 
Zainal, whose obsession was a psychological need, said his lawyer,
kept the shoes until the smell waned and then gave them to the
Salvation Army or tried to return them to their owners.
 
Police got on the scent of the shoe thief after a tip-off from a
resident living near the site of the thefts.
 
Zainal had 40 pairs of shoes when he was caught last November. In
January the policecaught him again with 28 pairs. He pleaded guilty
to two counts of theft and two counts of fraudulent possession and
is out on bail until his sentence starts on April 1.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1999 to 6 Mar 1999
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