HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1999 to 5 Mar 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 419 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Smoking Pencils
  2. Not so Romantic <adult>
  3. The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
  4. Assorted Smiles
  5. Teacher/Cornflakes <adult>
  6. Weird Business News #13 (3rd of 3)
  7. David Letterman's Top Ten List
  8. The Sixties (Pun)
  9. How to Date: Scorpio <clean>
 
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Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 01:34:35 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Smoking Pencils
 
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase an
embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug
message. The pencils carry the slogan: "Too Cool to Do Drugs." But
a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the
pencils are sharpened, the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs"
then simply "Do Drugs..."
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 03:20:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Not so Romantic <adult>
 
* Remember, the really macho Harley motorcycle enthusiasts
  are used to beginning their rides with a kick start.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The corporate Personnel Officer came home very early one
  afternoon to find his wife in bed with another man. "What
  exactly do you think you're doing ?" he yelled.
    "Simple, my dear." she replied cooly. "The regular staff
  has been so busy, I just brought in a temp."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The husband of a famous movie star complained to his wife
  that she never showed any enthusiasm for his love-making.
  He concluded, "You are an actress after all."
    "Johnny." she replied, "That's true, but the parts I play
  are dramatic, not roles from the 'Theater of the Absurd'."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two peasant women were shopping for dinner at the local
  farmer's mart. One lady picked up a carrot and remarked,
  "Humph.  Reminds me of my husband."
    Wide-eyed, her companion exclaimed, "Ohhhh. Is he really
  that big ?"
    "No." replied the first shopper. "That dirty !"
                           - - - - -
 
* The husband was despondent over some really heavy losses in
  the stock market.  In bed he confessed to his wife that he
  felt as though he had nothing to live for.  She said, "What
  do you mean you have nothing to live for ??  The house isn't
  paid for... our cars aren't paid for...  the TV isn't paid
  for...  the kids will need money for college..."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 06:15:28 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
 
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),
 
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as my Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
 
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become
available.  So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition
 
[Check all those that apply]
 
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
 
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
    hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
 
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
    McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
 
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
    truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
    something other than my personality.
 
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
    about yourself before you asked me one.
 
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
    then you can't GET into my pants.
 
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the
    9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
 
___ You failed the credit check.
 
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
    unappealing.
 
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
    inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
 
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
    conversation.
 
___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes
    to get your High School dipolma, are slight negatives.
 
___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
 
___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.
 
___ Three final words... Size does matter.
 
                Sincerely,
 
                [Your name here]
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 07:03:19 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
 
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on
his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled,
"that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here
at six o'clock in the morning?"
 
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
               ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun
and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was
confronted by the Sheriff. "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you
what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but
your gunbelt and boots?"
 
"Well Sheriff,it's a long story."
 
"I ain't going nowhere," said the Sheriff.
 
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the
saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to
feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to
the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and
cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back
and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did. He continued, "We
started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I
know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested
that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots.
Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart
and said 'Okay, Billy- Bob, go to town!' And, here I am Sheriff!"
               ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death,"
says the second.
 
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?"
 
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get
the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind
of drift off, as if you're sleeping.How about you, how did you
die?"
 
"I had a heart attack," says the first man."You see, I knew my wife
was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I
ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to
the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as
fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a
massive heart attack and died."
 
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What
do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
               ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first
man then asks: "Where are you from?"
 
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
 
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
 
"Of Course," replies the second man.
 
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
 
"Dublin," comes the reply.
 
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
 
"Of course," replies the second man.
 
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
 
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
 
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62, too!"
 
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
 
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
getting pissed again."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 08:20:22 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Teacher/Cornflakes <adult>
 
A school teacher for kindergartners started the day by telling
the students her name. "Good morning, my name is Miss Prussy.  Its
sounds like pussy, like a pussy-cat, only with an 'R' in it."
 
The day went on normally for first day activities.  The next day,
the teacher inquired from her students as to what her name was.
They sat, looked at each other and fidgeted in their seats.
 
Finally, a little boy raised his hand and exclaimed, "I know! It's
Miss Krunt."
                ------------------------------------
 
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes
every morning.  The son did this religiously, and he lived to the
age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35
great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the
crematorium.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 13:40:11 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #13 (3rd of 3)
 
               Houston Chronicle Columnist
                      Jim Barlow
 
The Does It Say Goodyear on the Side? Award to Converse, which will
soon begin selling athletic shoes with helium-cushioned soles.
 
Facts that nonreaders of this column might never know: Some 66
percent of Americans brown-bag their lunches to work each day, but
only 30 percent of the toters actually use a brown lunch bag.
 
The Sorry I Missed It Award to the Wild Turkey Bourbon Grand
National Turkey Calling Championships in Charlotte, N.C., last
month. The winner of the $5,000 top prize was David Metcalf of
Cuba, Mo.
 
And in a promotional breakthrough, the NASCAR auto racing circuit
has come up with an event that combines two sponsor names -- the
Dura-Lube/Big K-Mart 400.
 
From a usually unreliable source, the Internet, comes these gag
Microsoft error messages allegedly under consideration.
 
 * Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
 
 * Press any key except... NO, NO, not that one.
 
 * Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
 
 * Error saving file. Format hard disc now? (Y/Y).
 
 * BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
 
 * File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N).
 
 * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
 
 * Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
 
 * Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
   have been deleted.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 16:33:34 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List
 
              From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska
                  Top Ten List for March 3, 1999
          Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky:
 
10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of the
     planet?"
 
 9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that
     anything?"
 
 8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"
 
 7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird Old
     Navy" commercials?
 
 6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was talking
     to me?"
 
 5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the last
     14 months?"
 
 4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from New
     York?"
 
 3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"
 
 2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"
 
 1. "Did you bring a clip?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 4 Mar 1999 19:11:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Sixties (Pun)
 
The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion,
time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any
worse that what was being done at that time.
 
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very
active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with
militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact,
that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only
vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume
Demon Rum would just pass away.
 
They believed that...  Peas would rule the planets, and love would
clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:32:21 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Scorpio <clean>
 
How To Date A Scorpio Female  October 24-November 22 - Scorpio
 
If you are dating a Scorpio female,
- be careful!
- Show up wearing black clothes that fit you well.
- Arrive in your black car with the dark tinted windows.
- She likes the dark places, so take her to the bars, a casino
  would be fab!
- Don't tell her about the drugs you are on, she won't tell you
  about hers either.
- There needs to be caution exercised here, because Scorpios are
  one of two extremes. One the saint, the other the sinner.  The
  first type of Scorpio is very religious, and does not smoke,
  drink, or do drugs. If you are on a blind date,  you will know
  which version you are dating. Neither type is hung up on what you
  wear, but more how you wear it.
- Have sex appeal.  Be interested in occult matters, be deep.
- She won't offer you much information about herself, you will have
  to guess.
- Scorpio females will pry your whole life story out of you.
- To keep her interested, be hard to get.
- You won't know if you are pleasing her, or where you stand.
- A fatal mistake is to anger a Scorpio female. Scorpio women will
  get you!
- She has a passionate nature and can have more than one love
  interest.
- They are not usually domestic, nor want to be involved with
  parenthood.
- She will put all of her intense energy into either partying or
  getting to the top.
- Female Scorpios are "all or nothing", even when it comes to
  marriage!
 
 
How To Date A Scorpio Male
 
If you are dating a Scorpio male,
- make sure you love secrets!
- He loves for you to be sexy, and downright sleazy works for him
  too.
- He can make love to you, and not be in love with you.
- His passion can fool women, don't mistake it for love.  Often-
  times, they are most in love when they can't possess or own you.
- Jealousy is a big issue with him.  He stays jealous.
- He does not care what you do for an occupation, nor your
  financial status.
- Scorpio males want to control you to conform to their ideas of
  living. So, if you aren't strong in your own identity, then you
  will lose him.
- Scorpio males like the challenge of ownership.  They love you
  most when they can't have complete control over you.
- Only the fearless need apply here.
- One type of Scorpio will marry you and stay put and dominate the
  household. Whereas, the other type will just disappear on you
  without warning or reason.
- Be true to yourself with Scorpio males, and let your personality
  stay on top!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1999 to 5 Mar 1999
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