HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1999 to 3 Mar 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 541 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Paranoids in CyberSpace
  2. A matter of giving <off. to jews>
  3. Furniture Shopping
  4. Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of the 90's
  5. Legal Expense Fund
  6. Small Towns
  7. Rats!
  8. Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3)
  9. Y zero K
 10. The Tree Surgeon (Pun)
 11. How to Date: Virgo <clean>
 12. Rainbow's End
 13. Chinese lesson <insensitive to Chinese>
 
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Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 03:20:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Paranoids in CyberSpace
 
Seems anyone with a computer and a modem can hatch a wacky theory
and post it on the Net.  Consider some of the following...
 
 
* Is Clinton a pawn who's outlived his usefulness ?  According to
  Conspiracy Nation and Rumor Mill News he is.  Clinton's even
  supposed to have been a spy during his Oxford Days.
                           - - - - -
 
* A cabal of the rich and powerful are plotting a New World Order
  and Clinton's impeachment was either designed by them or warring
  factions within the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency).
                           - - - - -
 
* Chief Justice William Rehniquist's stripped robe was a sign that
  the Senate Trial was a clandestine military court-martial to
  try Clinton for unstated war crimes.
                           - - - - -
 
* Hillary Clinton along with Linda Tripp, Lucianne Goldberg, Monica
  Lewinsky, Sect of State Madeline Albright and poet Maya Angelou
  are part of a Feminist Network seeking to control the government.
                           - - - - -
 
* Clinton is to declare a State of Emergency during a real or faked
  natural disaster (such as Y2K), invoke Martial Law and declare
  himself President for life.
                           - - - - -
 
* Both computer monitors and TVs are emitting "orgone rays" (a mind
  controlling wave, previously thought debunked).  Your only
  defense is the old stand-by aluminum foil helmet.
                           - - - - -
 
* Fluoride manipulated American minds to see the Clinton scandal as
  only about sex and thus miss the real implications involving the
  CIA & Incan extraterrestrial religious sects to control the
  world.
                           - - - - -
 
* Clinton is a communist seeking to weaken the US.  Proof is
  offered by his deals with China and Russia as well as the Justice
  Dept's attempts to bring down MicroSoft.
 
 
Source: Eric Lipton
        Chicago Tribune
        (No URL's were given in the article)
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 10:29:41 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: A matter of giving <off. to jews>
 
Isaac goes out for a swim in the pond. But he's not such a good
swimmer and somehow he misjudges the depth; so he finds himself
in the middle of the pond without being able to touch the bottom
and panics. "Help! Help!" he starts screaming.
 
The local fisherman rows his boat to Isaac and shouts: "Give me
your hand!"
 
"I give you NOTHING!" says Isaac, and drowns.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 06:18:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Furniture Shopping
 
An elderly gentleman entered a large furniture store and was
greeted by a young salesperson.  "Is there something in particular
I can show you?" she asked.
 
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," the old gent replied.
 
"You mean a sectional sofa," she suggested.
 
"Sectional, schmectional," he bitterly retorted.  "All I want is an
occasional piece in the living room!"
 
          --thanks to Martin Dubno
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 07:05:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of the 90's
 
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
    out of the back seat of your car.
 
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
    do not have e-mail addresses.
 
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
    bookmarks.
 
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
    bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get
    crossed off.
 
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
 
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
    capital gains.
 
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
 
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
 
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
 
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
 
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of
    the products don't even exist any more.
 
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
    improve their profits.
 
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats
    to work.
 
 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
 
 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
    a living.
 
 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
    expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
 
 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
    a project" are acceptable English phrases.
 
 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know
    your next door neighbors.
 
 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
    Friday night plans.
 
 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
    his ideas into a matrix.
 
 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

        And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
 
 1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 08:37:16 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Legal Expense Fund
 
        Give to the President's LEGAL EXPENSE FUND!
 
                "Please feel MY pain!"
                       -- WJC
  
I don't condone his behavior.
  [   ]  Put me down for $25.
 
Yes, I want to be an Enabler.
  [   ]  I'll pony up $50.
 
He's never assaulted ME!
  [   ]  I'll gladly give $75.
 
What Republicans *might* do is far worse than anything the
President has *ever* done.
  [   ]  Here's my $100 contribution.
 
He's the most moral President we've ever had from the waist up.
  [   ]  Please accept my $500 with pride.
 
Hollywood loves him, and Hollywood knows what's good for us...
right?
  [   ]  I'm kicking in $10,000.
 
          -- HiTcH
             Worcester (MA) Telegram
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 12:44:40 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Small Towns
 
The US is full of small towns.  For those never having traveled to
or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what
life's like there.
 
     My hometown was so small...
 
* the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
* the local Motel 6 sleeps six
* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades
  up
* the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was
  home
* there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
 
          --Credit to: Nutty Humor
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:01:26 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Rats!
 
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting
and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
 
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an
 extra thousand for the story behind it."
 
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
 rat."
 
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him.
 
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow
him.  By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats
are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks
even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats
swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars...
following him.
 
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run
full tilt.
 
No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously
now not just thousands but  millions, so that by the time he comes
racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is
behind him.
 
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it
with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.
 
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.
 
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
 
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story,"  says the owner.
 
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze
sculpture of a lawyer "
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 13:18:13 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3)
 
          WELCOME to a new month and an old subject --
                  Weird Business News
           Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
 
A Sign of the Times, submitted by reader Mark Arnold. From a
muffler shop at Fondren and Westpark in Houston. "Your car has
the right to remain silent."
 
Our Consummating the Deal Award to Michael Waldau. His company got
a letter from Israel that began, "After more than a year, since we
mate in Houston, I'm happy to have another opportunity to do
together with you..."
 
Our Don't Tell Greenpeace Award to China, which has instituted the
death sentence for developers who violate zoning laws.
 
Best Company Name to New Pig Corp. of Tipton, Pa., which supplies
cleaning and maintenance products to industry.
 
Second Best Company Name to Pervasive Software of Washington, D.C.
 
Our The Judge Should Have Known He Would Lose Award to ABC
Television. An appeals court agreed the network did not defame a
San Francisco judge it said used a crystal ball to buttress his
legal rulings.
 
Our Please Lord, Let the Millennium Be Over Award to the University
of Houston College of Optometry for the following press release
headline: "Optometric Educators Expect New Ways of Doing Business
During the New Millennium."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 16:58:12 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the ]-[indu $kepti" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Y zero K
 
While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman
Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across
a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and
found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of
"magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It
was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3 -- about 2,000 years
ago. The text of the message follows:
 
 
"Dear Cassius:
 
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC
to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time
left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downward forever, now we have
to start thinking upward.
 
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and
not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.
 
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius
hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the
calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We
called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that
continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the
consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
 
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upward. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who
have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't
arrive until it's all over.  Some say the world will cease to exist
at the moment of transition.
 
We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you
a parchment if anything develops.
 
Best regards, Plutonius"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:04:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Tree Surgeon (Pun)
 
We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought
professional help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In
his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even
more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark,
 
In fact,  he said... This tree's bark is worse than its blight.
 
          --by Barry Bates
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:30:23 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Virgo <clean>
 
How To Date A Virgo Female  August 23-September 23 - Virgo
 
If you are dating a Virgo female,
- be on time when you arrive in your Mercedes to take her out for
  health food.   (Borrow the car if you have to)
- Do not pick her up in your unwashed car, with the baby car
  carrier.
- She isn't interested in ready made families.
- Wear the latest in fashion, and above all, have a manicure. Virgo
  females notice everything!
- Have a degree, be a professional, know everyone who is anyone.
- Exude confidence.
- Stay away from the bar where you were 86'd!
- Do not have other girlfriends.
- Virgo females are shy and sometimes aloof.  That does not mean
  they don't like you.  It takes several dates for them to decide
  if they want you.
- They are neat freaks, and don't want to pick up after you.
- Be toilet trained!
- If you tell her you are going to do something at 6 pm, then do
  it. Virgo females can drop you for little things like that.
- Don't quit trying, if you care about her.  They only love a
  handful of men, and you won't have any competition.
- Just be real!  Quality is important to female Virgos.
- Virgo females are usually career minded, but they will marry.
 
 
How To Date A Virgo Male
 
If you are dating a Virgo male,
- Go slowly.
- They hate to make mistakes.
- He will take you out to nice clean respectable establishments,
  and go to the movies with you.
- He does not go out dancing or rabble rousing with the guys.
- He is a solitary person, whose social group is small.
- Virgo males are inclined to computers, and the geeky stuff.
  However, he could balance your checkbook for you.
- Do not dress like a slut.  Be chic!
- Have no children from previous marriages.
- Don't be too talkative.
- He shies away from party animals.
- He wants to date someone with a purpose in life.
- Be interesting, and invite him to your workplace.
- He can visualize his name hyphenated after yours on the nameplate
  on your desk.
- Virgo men can be workaholics, that way they can avoid "nooners".
- Virgo males are not usually sexually promiscuous.  Sex won't
  happen until you push for it, but be sure to have your STD test
  results handy.
- He will marry you in time, lots of time, be patient.
- Your Virgo male won't divorce you, once in love, it's for keeps!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 2 Mar 1999 20:11:13 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Rainbow's End
 
Madison Park resident Wayne Wilson paused to admire a spectacular
rainbow Wednesday evening.  As he walked toward Lake Washington,
he noticed the rainbow's end was exactly where it ought to be --
directly over Bill and Melinda Gates' home.
 
 
Jean Godden, February 26, 1999
Copyright 1999 Seattle Times Company
http://www.seattletimes.com/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 3 Mar 1999 00:23:12 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Chinese lesson <insensitive to Chinese>
 
		  Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
 
English phrase       ------------       Chinese Interpretation

Are you harboring a fugitive?             -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.                           -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                                -- Dum Gai
Small Horse                               -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!                  -- No Bai Dam Ding!!
Did you go to the beach?                  -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table              -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift               -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here                    -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?             -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet              -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.                  -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?   -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright                   -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free                       -- Ai No Pei
I am not seeing another woman!            -- Wai Shu Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.              -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week   -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived                         -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight                         -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile              -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive               -- Yu stin ki pu
Pew! does this bathroom stink!            -- Hu Flung Dung?
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1999 to 3 Mar 1999
**********************************************
 
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