HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1999 to 2 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 400 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. General Craziness
  2. Surprise School Visit
  3. Workplace Survey!!
  4. Top5 - 3/1/99 - Least Scary Stephen King Novels
  5. For Sale <clean, could be regarded as slightly sexist>
  6. Ethnic Jokes <adult & off.>
  7. High Class Pun
  8. A No Brainer (Adult)
  9. The Slow Learner (Pun)
 10. Cheap HMO signs
 
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Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 03:22:13 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: General Craziness
 
* Has anyone noticed how young the new female tennis stars are.
  I got an autograph the other day, and she signed it in crayon.
                           - - - - -

* It's tax time in the US again.  I know a Christian Scientist
  who took a deduction on his taxes for a speed-reading course
  as a medical expense.
                           - - - - -

* I think I drank too much coffee yesterday while I was working
  on our Humor List Archives.  At bedtime, I turned the light
  switch off and got into bed before the room got dark.
                           - - - - -

* Hillary appeared on Time Magazine's cover the other week. She
  didn't have to sit for a photo session though.  They used the
  photo they had ready should she have been selected as Time's
  "Man of the Year".
                           - - - - -

* Speaking of Hillary (I was) she's really been upset by people
  wondering if she were a Lesbian.  Discussing the matter with
  her daughter, Chelsea said, "Oh Mother, don't be ridiculous;
  just ignore them.  Now go shave and get ready for dinner."
                           - - - - -

*   Awakened by strange noises, the Yuppette went downstairs
  and saw a man in her house. "Don't scream lady.  I just want
  your money."
    "Just like all the other men in Columbia." she snorted.
                           - - - - -

* Times change.  Recently there was a demonstration by a large
  number of students at several Howard County high schools in
  Columbia.  The students were protesting the fact the teachers
  got paid, when it was they who did all the work.
 
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Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:16:18 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Surprise School Visit
 
The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night
on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the
boy.
 
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After
several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a
second floor window.
 
"Whattya want?"
 
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
 
"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and
we'll take care of him in the morning."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:03:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Workplace Survey!!
 
    How Do You Know You Work for a Corporation in the 90's?
 
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.
 
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
 
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
 
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
 
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
 
Your biggest loss from a system crash is your best e-mail jokes.
 
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
 
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
 
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
 
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
 
You think lunch is just a meeting outside the building.
 
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
 
Communication is something your group is having problems with.
 
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
 
Weekends are those days you hear about in songs or see in movies.
 
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
 
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
 
When your non-working time never exceeds 20 hours a week.
 
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check and jubilantly say
"Oh wow, thanks!"
 
Dilbert cartoons hang somewhere in your department.
 
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes",
"in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an
opportunity for you."
 
Vacation is something you roll over to next year OR a check you
get every January.
 
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
 
Nepotism is encouraged.
 
The only reason you recognize your family is because their pictures
are hanging in your cubicle.
 
You read this entire list and understood it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 08:45:52 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/1/99 - Least Scary Stephen King Novels
 
           The Top 12 Least Scary Stephen King Novels
                         March 1, 1999
 
12> The Dustbunnies
 
11> Balder
 
10> Bag of Scones
 
 9> Fitful Sleep, Probably Caused by Too Many Anchovies
 
 8> Choirstarter
 
 7> Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell
 
 6> The Whining
 
 5> The Tummy-Grumblers
 
 4> Children of the Kornbergs
 
 3> Pet Seminary
 
 2> Carrie-Okie
 
      and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Scary Stephen King Novel...
 
 1> The Mommyknockers
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
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Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 15:48:42 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: For Sale <clean, could be regarded as slightly sexist>
 
For Sale by Owner:
 
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.  45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
 
$1,000.00 or best offer.  No longer needed.  Got married
last weekend.
 
Wife knows everything.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 08:53:42 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult & off.>
 
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around
Boston!"
 
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
 
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Ain't he the guy who ran for help?"
          -----------------------------------------
 
The prisoners were assembled on deck.  The Nazi commandant strode
up and down the line, saying: "Zo, jews, velcome to ze beautiful
Rhine River.  You vill appreciate ze view I am zure.  However, ze
commandant has ordert you jewz here vor different reasons."
 
He paused, then continued, "I zuppose I zould zay zat I haf zome
gut newz undt zome bat newz.  Ze gut newz ist zat you vill get zome
fresh air!"
 
Then he paused again... "However, jewz, I haf zome bat newz --
you vill be rowing zis boat."
 
One prisoner spoke up -- "That's not so bad.  I was rowing captain
in Krakow."
 
"Well, zen you vill not be disappointed ven I tell you zat ze
commandant vants to go vater-shkiing today!"
          -----------------------------------------
 
Two guys, a white man and a black man, were sitting near a pool,
naked. The white guy put his dick into the water and said, "The
water temperature is 81 degrees today."
 
The black guy then put his dick into the water and said, "The water
is 1.40 meters in depth."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:33:57 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: High Class Pun
 
We have been beset with waves of sickness for the last month
or so, all variations on the same flu bug which is sweeping the
northeastern US.  For the first time in weeks we got out to a folk
concert Saturday evening.  The performers were John Roberts and
Tony Barrand.  If you ever get the chance to see and hear them,
by all means do!
 
Among the many stories they told, Barrand related one about heading
into an Upstate New York town in the rain. He was driving and
Roberts held down his usual role of sleeping co-pilot.
 
Barrand looked at the rain and thought of how it would be quite
detrimental to their scheduled outdoor concert. "Oh, stop raining!"
he observed out loud.
 
"You mean abdicate?" Roberts replied, drowsily
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 14:00:07 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: A No Brainer (Adult)
 
This guy goes for a crap and it just keeps going. He's crapping for
3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's constantly flushing the
toilet. Finally he gets to the point where, he actually shits his
brains right out.
 
He has no brains at this point.
 
He's finally done, he wipes his ass and for the first time in his
life he puts the seat down...
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 18:00:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Slow Learner (Pun)
 
That modern icon, Forrest Gump, was intellectually challenged, but
nevertheless worked very hard to maximize his potential, such as it
was. The protagonist of this story, Rosemary, was very similar to
Forrest in many respects. She worked very hard, she studied hard,
and she greatly hated being less smart than the other children.
Generally, this made her work even harder, but at times she became
discouraged.
 
One day she asked her favorite teacher if she really would someday
become smarter if she continued to work very hard. The encourage-
ment came... "You will be partially sage, Rosemary, in time."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 22:21:16 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Cheap HMO signs
 
          Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
 
 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental
    procedure,"
 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of
    "War and Peace,"
 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
 5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
 6. Exam room has a tip jar.
 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument
    tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal
    thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia
    Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk
    around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
    you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is
    "an apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr.
    Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the
    doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is
    dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
    goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized
    2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1999 to 2 Mar 1999
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