HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1999 to 1 Mar 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. HumorList Traffic Report
  2. Caught In The Harem <innuendo, adult>
  3. Doctor's Advice (mature)
  4. Sign Me Up! (adult)
  5. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  6. Clinton Humor - Adult Theme
  7. Bad Analogies
  8. How to Date: Leo <clean>
  9. Carjacking <clean>
 10. Three Precepts for Happy Traveling
 
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Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 02:46:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: HumorList Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
Only a handful of members have submitted their personal Web
Pages to be listed on our Archives Web Site.  While I cannot
promise tons of additional "hits" for your page, we do have
anywhere from 20 - 100 visitors per day.  Please e-mail me
if you're interested in having your personal page listed.
 
Remember, if you missed or <shudder> deleted a Digest, they're
available (normally the same day the Digests are sent out) at:
  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr   (text files)
  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293   (zip files)
The complete 1996 Digests for Jan-Apr, as well as those for
May 1-6, are there now; plus all of the 1997-1999 Digests.
 
                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 21 Feb 1999 - 27 Feb 1999
 
                       (Number of articles posted each day)
1999               Feb     Feb     Feb     Last    Last    This
Date   Day         1996    1997    1998    Month   Week    Week

 21  Sunday          5      18       8      11       8       8
 22  Monday         21      22      15      11      13      11
 23  Tuesday        23      20      12      10      14      11
 24  Wednesday      16      19      21*     13      10       9
 25  Thursday       12      14      22*     15      13      14
 26  Friday         10      10      16      10      11      10
 27  Saturday       10      13       8      11       7       6
 
   (Average)        14      17      15      12      11      10
 
Subscriptions    9,583   9,714   8,174   7,644   7,742   7,756
Countries           73      82     105     116     115     115
Contributors       737     810     685     588     588     588
 
                (* Indicates 2 Digests distributed on that date)
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
    The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina,  Australia,  Austria,  Bahrain,  Bangladesh,  Belarus,
Belgium,  Belize,  Bermuda,  Bhutan,  Bolivia,  Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei,  Bulgaria,  Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica,  Croatia,  Cuba,  Cyprus,  Czech Republic,  Denmark,
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,  Finland,  France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,  Hong Kong,  Hungary,  Iceland,
India,  Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica,  Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea,  Kuwait,  Latvia,  Lebanon,
Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macau, Macedonia, Malaysia,
Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique,  Namibia,
Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway,
Oman,  Pakistan,  Panama,  Paraguay,  Peru,  Philippines, Poland,
Portugal,  Qatar,  Romania,  Russia,  Saudi Arabia,  Scotland,
Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname,  Sweden,  Switzerland,  Taiwan,  Thailand, Tanzania,
Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 115
 
           Email me if your country is not listed above.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (header warning
requirement)
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Archived Files:
A partial set of the UGA Digests (May 1996) and complete sets of
the UGA Humor Digests for Jan-Apr 1996 and 1997-1999, with the
"Subject" indexed for easy searching are found at:
 
[text format]    http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
[zip format]     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
Also on the CrossWinds page, a section is maintained to list any
member's personal Home Page.  The categories are humor and Misc.
Please e-mail JimJr@qis.net with your request to be listed.
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Message Board:
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
         http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
UGA Club:
Assuming enough people participate, this could be a fun activity
for all members.  Yahoo has provided space for "clubs".  The page
includes a message board, list of contacts, photo section, chat,
and a calendar. You must join Yahoo (free) to use the service:
           http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
 
Neither site is intended as a place to leave messages or questions
for the ListOwners; nor are they an alternate site to post jokes,
but places for messages intended for the entire membership. Both
sites provide free publicity and exposure for our List.
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And now for a contribution of humor:
 
I once had a highly qualified applicant for the position of Motor
Equipment Operator with the State Highway Administration.  When I
reviewed his application though, I wasn't sure about hiring him.
 
One of the questions was: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He had entered "No" in the blank space provided.
Printed on the same line within the form was "Why ?"
His answer -- "Ain't never been caught."
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 08:24:00 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Caught In The Harem <innuendo, adult>
 
Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they
stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls. They went in and
were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheikh
returned and caught them in the act.
 
He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a
manner befitting their professions.
 
"What is your profession?" He asked the first guy.
 
"I'm a policeman", he replied.
 
"His Penis... Shoot it off!" the sheikh shrieked.
 
"You... What is your profession?" He then asked the second
 American.
 
"I'm a fireman.", he replied.
 
"His Penis... Burn it off!" he bellowed.
 
The third guy simply stood there smiling.
 
"Why are you smiling... Never mind. What is your profession?", he
 asked.
 
He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 10:05:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Doctor's Advice (mature)
 
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you
are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
 
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to
his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The
man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
 
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired
the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and
my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 10:55:41 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Sign Me Up! (adult)
 
AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.
 Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online
     before I join.
AOL: Okay sir what's your question?
 Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something
     called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well sir... I don't know how
     to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
 Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat
     room.
 Me: Humm... I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
 Me: Humm... well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Sir I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking
     me.  Is there anything else you need?
 Me: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay sir, anything else?
 Me: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead...
 Me: What are you wearing?
AOL: <click>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 09:55:37 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING: May be offensive to women, American politicians, AIDS
victims, unemployed butlers and you.
 
Bill Clinton has pledged to send 4,000 troops to Kosovo. Did they
forget to tell him he was acquitted?
 
Watergate figure John Ehrlichman has died at age 73. Let us observe
18 minutes of silence. (Daily Scoop)
 
While in Mexico, President Clinton grabbed a saxophone and played
"My Funny Valentine" for Hillary. Hillary then grabbed a microphone
and sang, "Your Cheatin' Heart." (Daily Scoop)
 
NBC recently aired a mini series about the era of antiwar protests,
casual drug use and the free love movement. The mini series was
called "The 60's", or, as President Clinton calls it, "Roots."
 
In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary,
she would leave President Clinton. In response, Clinton said, "If
Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in
the first place. (O'Brien)
 
At the Democratic Leadership Council, Al Gore tested out a possible
campaign slogan for his run at the White House: "Practical
Idealism." Campaign officials feel it's better than the old slogan:
"Needs Oil Can." (O'Brien)
 
Dan Quayle says he has the "necessary fire in his belly" to be
president. I know what he means, when I picture him as president, I
get the same sensation.
 
By the way, Dan Quayle turned 52. If you're looking to get him
something for his birthday, you can't go wrong with a clue. (Leno)
 
People magazine says Secret Service agents must live in Chelsea
Clinton's dormitory. The agents must guard a large building with
young women coming and going at all hours. It's like they never
left the White House.
 
Scientists have concluded that the AIDS virus originated in chimps,
so please, if you're sleeping with primates, wear a condom.
(Daily Scoop)
 
The man who got the first U.S. hand transplant was able to move a
finger. Apparently, he moved the finger shortly after getting the
hospital bill. (Daily Scoop)
 
An Indiana man was charged with performing castrations in his
apartment without a license. They have a license for this? How
do you get one of those... do you have to take a test? Is there a
fee?
 
Ford Motor Company has purchased Volvo. Have you driven a Fjord
lately?  (rec.humor.funny)
 
The president of Syria was reelected with 99.98% of the vote. Not
bad for someone who wasn't even involved in a sex scandal.
 
A New York grand jury has cleared rapper Ol Dirty Bastard of
attempted murder charges. Thank goodness he's got his good name
back!
 
Tiger Woods and Kevin Costner teamed up in a charity golf
tournament. Apparently everything was going fine, until Kevin
Costner got stuck on a water hazard and spent $200 million.
(O'Brien)
 
Evel Knievel underwent a liver transplant. When the liver became
available, Knievel jumped at the chance.
 
Princess Diana's former butler is hitting the lecture circuit.
He won't discuss his former employer, but he will be giving
motivational speeches.  What kind of motivational speech does an
unemployed butler give? C'mon, hang up your own coat... I know you
can do it!
 
In an interview, Kate Winslet says that whenever she gets
depressed, she thinks of her love scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in
Titanic. Meanwhile, DiCaprio says that whenever he gets depressed,
he just has sex with a supermodel. (O'Brien)
 
Jerry Falwell claims the purple Teletubby is actually a gay role
model. Apparently, he's not aware there's an official policy in
place: Don't ask, don't Teletubby.
 
The FAA says passengers convicted of assaulting or harassing flight
crew members now face fines of up to $10,000. Not only that, but
their carry on luggage will be severely restricted, their seats
won't recline and they will be fed peanuts. Oh, wait... that's for
all passengers.
 
Health authorities in Shanghai have discovered that several of the
city's popular "hot pot" restaurants have been adding opium poppies
to their mainstay dishes in an effort to keep customers coming back
for more. Boy, talk about a "Happy Meal."
 
European Union countries adopted a new currency, the Euro. In a
setback, some Eastern European countries mistakenly adopted the
Yugo as their currency.
 
A French auto maker has named a minivan after Pablo Picasso. The
headlights are on its rear bumper, a sunroof is on the floor and
all four doors are on the passenger side.
 
Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly, have agreed to pay nearly $6
million to settle an antitrust suit with 44 states. The company was
accused of unfair practices to eliminate competition. They said,
"No, we're just playing Monopoly." (Leno)
 
In Beverly Hills, merchants are protesting a ballot measure that
would require fur products to carry a label explaining how the
animals were killed. The merchants say the measure would cut sales
of real furs and boost the market in synthetics. The last thing we
want in Beverly Hills is a bunch of phonies.
 
Sony and Hasbro are reportedly joining forces to put the game
Trivial Pursuit on the Internet. Trivial Pursuit? I thought that
WAS the Internet.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 14:32:51 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Clinton Humor - Adult Theme
 
Did you know that president Clinton is changing our national
anthem?
 
From now on, it's going to be "Yank my doodle; it's a dandy!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 15:56:38 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Bad Analogies
 
     Bad Analogies Written in a High School English Class
 
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
 
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
 
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
 
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
 
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used
to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged
the door open again.
 
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.
 
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
 
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
 
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."
 
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
 
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
 
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
 
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.
 
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
 
          --thanks to Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 1 Mar 1999 09:35:03 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date : Leo <clean>
 
How to Date a Leo Female (July 23-August 22 - Leo)
 
If you are dating a Leo female,
- Take her to the movies, a concert, a broadway show, a plush
  restaurant.
  Getting the picture?  She wants to be seen out with you.
- If men notice her, she will love that.
- If you don't act a little jealous, she will try harder to make
  you so. She thinks jealousy is a compliment.
- Bring her flowers,
- Wear your gold chains,
- Wear something that shows off those muscles you worked so hard to
  get.  That will excite her.
- Don't forget to splash on your Giorgio cologne.
- Tell her how much you love redheads, and ask her if all that
  gorgeous hair is hers? (If she isn't a redhead, then switch to
  blondes, or dark hair, but don't forget this.)
- Compliment her constantly, and drive something sporty to show her
  off.  A convertible would be nice.
- Leo gals will get you noticed!
- When she disappears on your dates, she is merely primping in the
  ladies room.
- Be willing to fight for your Leo female, but don't take any crap
  from her. She can start fights over nothing.  Be prepared.
- You had better love her cats too!
- She doesn't care if you are well read or educated, but do be
  suave, polished and act like you know what you are doing.
- She will marry you, but be prepared to take care of her sexually,
  financially, and emotionally.
- Leo females are a handful,
- And remember, she can always get another man, so treat her right.
 
 
How to Date a Leo Male
 
If you are dating a Leo male,
- He will take you to the best places for dinner, shows, etc.
- He will lavish money on you, even if he does not have it to
  spend.
- You can expect him to put the studley moves on you ASAP, not to
  worry.  Usually it is a game, to see if you are really
  interested.
- He will impress you with his peacock strut, and the way he puffs
  out his chest.
- If he can convince you that he is a great guy, then he will be,
  otherwise, you will be pounced on by his cat like nature.
- His favorite past-time is being waited on, breakfast in bed,
  candlelight, movies, concerts, roses and your basic everyday
  adoration.
- He is capable of a variety of occupations, but he likes to be the
  boss the most. This includes home.
- Leo men can have temper tantrums, if things don't go their way.
  It's ok, if you want to toss a few things back his way, when he
  starts to roar.
- Stand up to him.  Be able to turn his roar into a purr.
- Always look good around him.  Don't admit you color your hair.
- Do sleep with your makeup on, and dress sexy and feminine. He
  won't marry you otherwise.
- Leo males love the chase, so let him! (Leo males will already
  have told you about all of his other women.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 20:51:00 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Carjacking <clean>
 
			Carjacking Foiled
 
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows
how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the
car.
 
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.
 
Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4
pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly,
white woman... no charges were filed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 28 Feb 1999 20:57:58 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Three Precepts for Happy Traveling
 
1. Do not visit countries that are in the middle of civil wars.
 
2. Really, do not visit countries that are in the middle of civil
   wars.

3. Did I mention not to visit countries that are in the middle of
   civil wars?
 
 
Copyright 1997, by Jonathan P. Bernick
Frumious Bandersnatch <http://www.bandersnatch.com>
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1999 to 1 Mar 1999
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