HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1999 to 28 Feb 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 234 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Consider if you will...
  2. 2 Quickies
  3. Why Mountain Bikes Are Better Than Men
  4. Psychology for Engineers
  5. Its a Wacky World! #58
  6. Casual Day
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 03:20:03 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Consider if you will...
 
* Just remember boys and girls, take it from ol' JimJr --
  be moderate in all things -- especially moderation.
                           - - - - -
 
* Have any of you ever wondered why "Social Scientists" don't
  study "Social Diseases" ?
                           - - - - -
 
* It's often said that an "elephant never forgets".  OK.  But
  what the hell to do they to remember anyway.
                           - - - - -
 
* Did ya ever wonder if those people employed in safety and
  accident prevention put safety mats in their bird baths.
                           - - - - -
 
* Astronomers have new finds named after them.  How come they
  don't name new loopholes for the accountants who found them.
                           - - - - -
 
* If any of you think things improve with age, keep attending
  your high school/college reunions and get back to me.
                           - - - - -
 
* It's often said that a "woman's work is never done". OK. But
  then again, a woman's word is never done either.
                           - - - - -
 
* You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  OK.
  But who in the hell wants a whole bunch of flies anyway.
                           - - - - -
 
* Motivational experts urge employees to "work smarter" and
  to "put everything they have" into their work.  Oh Yeah ?
  Well... when cooks do that, the result is hash.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 07:52:25 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Quickies
 
Confirmation
Single women complain that all good men are married, while married
women complain about their lousy husbands.  This confirms that
there is no such thing as a good man.
               ---------------------------
 
Surgery Notice:
Please be advised that you have been scheduled for an Optorectomy
procedure. The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that
connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviate your
shitty outlook on life.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 08:41:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Why Mountain Bikes Are Better Than Men
 
 1. Mountain bikes don't have parents.
 
 2. Mountain bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
 
 3. Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.
 
 4. Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at you.
 
 5. Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain bikes.
 
 6. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss
    politics with it.
 
 7. You don't have to be jealous of other women coveting your
    mountain bike.
 
 8. Your mountain bike never wants a night out with the other
    mountain bikes.
 
 9. Mountain bikes don't care what you wear.
 
10. Mountain bikes don't feel their bikehood is threatened if you
    insist on driving.
 
11. If your mountain bike doesn't look good you can paint it or get
    better parts.
 
12. You don't have to worry about where your mountain bike has been
    before you met it.
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 09:08:43 EST
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Psychology for Engineers
 
A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a
personality test. The room was set up with various props in order
to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter
the room started through the test:
 
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 1: It is half empty
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.
 
Person 2 enters the room.
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes 'optimist' in his report
 
Person 3 enters the room.
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need
there.
 
The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the
professor.
 
"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the
 engineers! They have no personality."
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 12:09:00 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #58
 
                     Get a whiff of this fashion trend.
 
As Lee Soo-bum nears home after an evening out with the guys, he
shimmies, shakes and occasionally rubs his chest. Then at his
apartment door, the 39-year-old South Korean film company executive
sniffs, smiles in satisfaction and greets his wife. Although he's
been drinking with colleagues in a smoke-filled bar, Lee doesn't
reek of booze and cigarettes. In fact, he smells downright sweet.
"This new suit helps keep peace at home," Lee says, referring to
his fashionable beige wool suit. It smells like lavender -- and the
more he moves, the stronger the scent becomes.
 
The suit is made with fabric soaked in a chemical that contains
scented micro-capsules, which pop and release the odor when the
wearer moves -- or gets bumped on crowded subway train. Three local
fashion houses -- LG Fashion, Essess Heartist & Kolon International
began selling the scented suits in major department & retail stores
earlier this month.
 
So far, Essess has sold 2,500 pine-scented suits, LG 1,000 lavender
suits and Kolon 660 peppermint suits.
 
 
Source -- Associated Press
 
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Date:    Sat, 27 Feb 1999 15:45:30 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Casual Day
 
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
 
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire
for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.
 
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
 
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow.
Attendance is mandatory.
 
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's
has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guide-
lines for proper dress.
 
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed
to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear"
and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
 
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued,
effective immediately.
 
 
Source: http://www.jokeaday.com
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1999 to 28 Feb 1999
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