HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1999 to 27 Feb 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Reincarnated Aborigine (off to aussies)
  2. Twisted Lines
  3. Bird Watching
  4. More to Ponder
  5. Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to Mason & Dixon>
  6. A day at the golf course
  7. Lingerie shopping  [offensive to wives?]
  8. Stupid Criminal Story #10
  9. This Week In The Social Sciences  (Adult Content)
 10. PUNY Riddles
 
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Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 02:03:03 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Reincarnated Aborigine (off to aussies)
 
An Aborigine dies and goes to heaven, and St Peter is pretty
impressed to see a black fella from Australia.
 
"I'm so impressed that I'm going to send you back to Earth so you
can spread the word to the other Aborigines," says St Peter. "What
would you like to be reincarnated as upon your return?"
 
"A piece of dog poo," the Abo replies.
 
"Why a piece of dog poo?" asks St Peter.
 
"Well," replied the Abo. "You lie around in the sun and go whiter
and whiter and even the cops won't pick you up!"
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 03:24:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Twisted Lines
 
* Sister to brother, coming home from school to an empty house:
  "Mommie can't be too far away, the phone's still warm."
                           - - - - -
 
* Did y'all hear about the "Dial-A-Prayer" telephone service
  for agnostics ?  You dial the number and no one answers.
                           - - - - -
 
* Small boy on phone as sister rushes to grab the receiver:
  "You got the wrong number.  I ain't got no beautiful sister."
                           - - - - -
 
* One psychiatrist has discovered a great way to get his female
  patients to talk freely -- he puts a phone in their hands.
                           - - - - -
 
*   After singing "Happy Birthday" the couple found they had
  reached a wrong number.
    "That's OK." said the voice on the other end of the line,
  "You two can sure use the practice."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient
  bellowed, "Three weeks ???  The doctor can't see me for three
  weeks ??? I could well be dead by then."
    Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If
  so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment."
                           - - - - -
 
*   I recently called the IRS to order a tax booklet. The woman
  answered: "This is Kathy [Smith]. My ID number is [789123]."
    I said, "This is Lieut Commander Jim Moore Jr, USN Retired.
  My ID number is [555-55-55].  My security clearance is Able-
  Charlie-One and the password for today is 'please'."
    Thereafter followed 2-3 minutes of sustained hearty laugher.
  Then she informed me that in all her years of service no one
  had ever pulled such a stunt.
    After I ordered the form, she said instead of the normal ten
  day wait for the booklet, I'd have it in two days.  (I did !)
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 06:05:49 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bird Watching
 
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots
stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider
a marvelous new game.
 
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly
slowly along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins
turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the
pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the
opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
 
Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to
the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten
thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
 
          -- Audubon Society Magazine
             thanks to Thom Wright
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 07:18:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: More to Ponder
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
 
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
     crash?
He's all right now.
 
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
 
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
 
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
 
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
 
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
 
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
 
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
 
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
 
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
 
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
 
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
 
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
 
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
 
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
     tree would kill you?
A pool table.
 
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
 
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
 
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
 
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
     thermometer?
The taste.
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
 
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
 
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
 
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
 
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
 
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 08:44:33 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to Mason & Dixon>
 
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
       -------------------------------------
 
A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to
make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided
to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a
house, he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road.
He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour.
 
When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the
chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee
I studied geenetics. 'Round these parts we love chicken and we're
all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make
a three-legged chicken. So, here 'tis."
 
The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"
 
The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to
catch one yet."
       -------------------------------------
 
Q: What does an Okie family tree look like?
A: A wreath.
       -------------------------------------
 
Two Rednecks working on a cattle farm, Junior and Bo...
 
Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't wait till we start the cattle drive..."
    Bo: "Yep, out on the range... Jest you an me an dem cows..."
Junior: "Uh-huh... and wait till we take'em cross the river...
         Imagine it!"
    Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin' dem cows cross the river,
         keepin'em safe."
Junior: "Yeah, an watchin' em all come out of the river,
         all wet 'n shiverin'..."
       -------------------------------------
 
Automobile: Oversized, redneck lawn art on cinder blocks.
       -------------------------------------
 
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture,
and bagged six big bucks.  The pilot came back as arranged
to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk... but the pilot objected.
 
Said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will
have to leave two behind."
 
They argued with him; the year before the had shot six and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just
the same model and capacity as this.
 
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where
they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in
the wilderness.
 
Climbing out of the  wreckage, one Redneck said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"
 
"I think so," replied the other Redneck.  "I think this is about
the same place where the plane crashed last year."
       -------------------------------------
 
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
"Nice tooth!"
       -------------------------------------
 
Redneck Proverb:
    I'm busier'n a dog with two dicks...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:59:04 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A day at the golf course
 
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of
them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for
what seemed like hours.
 
"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his
heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.
 
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife and
the other's my mistress. I can't risk confronting them at the same
time!"
 
"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
 
"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
 
"Small world, isn't it?"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 12:17:33 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Lingerie shopping  [offensive to wives?]
 
A man went into a fancy lingerie shop to buy something expensive
for his wife. The sales clerk came out with a nightgown, he said
"no, I want something very sheer and expensive".
 
The clerk brought out another item, the man said "don't you have
anything sheerer than that"?
 
The clerk brought out a *very* expensive, sheer, negligee The man
took it home and gave it to his wife.
 
She opened it and thought to herself, what a fool, spending so much
on a night gown. She took it back to the store and got the money
back.
 
That night when her husband wanted her to model the gown, she went
upstairs and came down naked. She said "okay honey, what do you
think"?
 
Her husband said " damn, for that kind of money they could of at
least ironed it and got all the wrinkles out".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:21:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #10
 
                 Gorilla Helps Arrest Gun Suspect
 
JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - Fleeing from police, Isaac Mofokeng ran
blindly into the local zoo and jumped over a low wall into one of
the enclosures. Big mistake. For the pen belonged to Max the
gorilla, who did not appreciate the sudden invasion of his privacy.
 
"The first thing the gorilla did was rip my jeans and bite me on
the buttocks," Mofokeng told a Johannesburg court Wednesday. "I
thought my last hour had come."
 
Max became a folk hero in July 1997 when he helped apprehend
Mofokeng as he ran from the police after allegedly finding a
firearm outside a house and scaring the homeowners with it.
 
Mofokeng denies 11 charges including housebreaking, robbery and,
separately, malicious damage to Max.
 
In the enclosure, Max pinned the fleeing man against his wall and
kept guard even after Mofokeng shot him in the chest with the
pistol, the Citizen newspaper reported Thursday.
 
"Max then dropped me and I fell into the water. (He) ran around and
became violent, grabbed me by my right leg, swung me around and
threw me against the wall and I became dizzy," Mofokeng told the
court.
 
The trial continues.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 16:00:37 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This Week In The Social Sciences  (Adult Content)
 
Feb. 22      Student Activism Returns
 
Once it was the Teach In, now it's the Book Out!
 
Hispanic students at Michigan State U. have brought a new dimension
to student protests.  Last Thursday they went into the library of
the school and checked out some 5,000 books (gleaned from "browsing
and new acquisition racks") and then drove off with them in a
truck.  Friday they returned 4,000 of the books and said that they
would hold onto the other 1,000 until their demands for a Hispanic-
studies major and more Hispanics on the faculty are met.
 
I'd give them superior marks for originality, but I wonder just how
many of the books are by Stephen King and wouldn't be missed
anyway.
 
Source: Jason Hughes, Chronicle of Higher Ed.
                             **************
 
Feb 23  It's Best Not to Let These Bummer Situations
        Just Go On and  On and On and On=85
 
Seventeen (17) fraternities at Case Western Reserve U. have "banned
alcohol at parties for the next six months."  It seems that last
weekend an 18-year-old Pledge attended such a party, drank, went
back to his dorm, fell against the bathroom wall and died of head
injuries.  Out of respect, his peers will now give up booze parties
for about half a semester.
 
This too shall pass, then you can, once again, Party Hearty,
Dudes!!
 
Source: Jason Hughes, Chronicle of Higher Ed.
                             **************
 
Feb 23  New Currents in the History of Gynecology
 
Natalie Angier, in The New York Times, discusses how the invention
of the personal vibrator was a great boon to Gynecologists in the
late 19th Century.  Before it was invented they had to treat women
with "hysteria" or "neurasthenia" manually.  The treatment involved
"vuvular" massage and, while lucrative for the Doctor, did require
some muscular effort and having to touch the patient.
 
The procedure became "easy, quick and clean" with the coming of the
electric vibrator in the early 1880s.  At the turn of the century
prices for the devices ranged from $15 to $200, so these were
definitely the "high tech" tools of the era.
 
The use of vibrators for treating "pelvic hyperemia or congestion
of the genitalia" kind of petered out in the 1920s when they began
showing up in "stag" films.  The article was not too clear on how
seeing the devices placed in nature films, presumably the way all
kinds of other products are now placed in movies, caused sales and
use to decline.
 
Source: Natalie Angier, The New York Times
        Feb. 23, 1999
                             **************
 
Also this Week:  I Could Tell It Was Off When She Cleaned Her Ears
                 With Her Car Keys.
 
Harper's Magazine (March, 1999: 26-27) includes an excerpt from a
research report by M.M. Moore which appeared in the February, 1998
issue of Semiotica, the Journal of the International Association
for Semiotic Studies.  Moore's report was entitled "Nonverbal
Courtship Patterns in Women: Rejection Signaling."
 
According to Moore: "Ethological studies of nonlinguistic
communication in human courtship have begun to establish the
existence of a non-verbal signaling system for negotiating sexual
relationships."
 
While previous studies focused upon how women "signal interest in
potential male partners" Moore's study focuses on how women show
disinterest. "Gaze avoidance," looking away from the male, frowning
and sneering were all used by Moore's subjects.
 
"Women also engaged in self-grooming behaviors. However, unlike
behaviors displayed by flirtatious women, these gestures were
exhibited not to draw attention to the body -- but to engage in
self-care behaviors more commonly done in private.  In this regard,
women sometimes cleaned their nails or picked their teeth."
 
It's a shame that, thus far, Moore's work has been limited to
female rejection signals.  One might speculate that males must also
have a rich vocabulary of their own rejection signals.  Of course,
these male rejection signals probably occur so seldom that they'll
be very difficult to detect.
 
Source: Harper's
        March, 1999
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 19:23:21 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
121. What kind of smarts does an expert at Sotheby's has to have
before appraising a masterpiece?
 
122. You are about to take a wonderful picture of a Glacier when
suddenly a large white bear walks into your scene. What is the
expression that photographers use to describe this?
 
123. Why was the college football star's father unhappy after he
paid the school tuition for his son?
 
124. If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
 
125. Where did they put General Patton's WWII competitor after he
went insane from going on too many shopping sprees in American
clothing malls?
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
                           Answers
 
 
121. Art official intelligence (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
122. A Kodiak moment  (By Gary Hallock)
 
123. He only got a quarter back (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
124. At a store where they retail spirits. (By Stan Kegel)
 
125. In a Patton cell in the Montgomery Ward  (By David Bunch)
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1999 to 27 Feb 1999
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