HUMOR Digest - 25 Feb 1999 to 26 Feb 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 536 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Insects
  2. Graceful Aging?
  3. The Scottish Student <not meant to be offensive>
  4. Remember When?????
  5. Pharmaceuticals <off. to fem>
  6. Cats - offensive to men
  7. New element discovered
  8. Wonder Bra Newest Add on
  9. Its a Wacky World! #57 (Nudity)
 10. Snow contingency (ethnically offensive)
 11. Lawyer joke (offensive to lawyers)
 12. The Bicycle Tire (Pun)
 13. How to Date : Cancer <clean>
 14. What did Bob Dole used to advise before Viagra
 
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Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 03:37:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Insects
 
* If you think the mosquitoes in your area are bad, pity the poor
  folks in Dallas Texas.  Every time a mosquito lands at the DFW
  Airport, they have to fill it with 50 gallons of fuel.
                           - - - - -
 
* And speaking of Texas mosquitoes (I was), take it from me --
  they're tuff as nails.  If you dare to swat a mosquito in
  Abilene Texas, they swat ya right back !
                           - - - - -
 
* There's even talk of eliminating the nite-time commuter flites
  in those puddle jumper planes they use down there.  There's
  been too many near midair collisions with the mosquitoes.
                           - - - - -
 
* The southern states in the US are sometimes called the "Bible
  Belt" based on a goodly number of religious folk.  The moths
  in the South even give up woollens for lint.
                           - - - - -
 
* Then there was the Mother moth who admonished her offspring,
  "If you don't eat all of your cotton young man, there'll be
  absolutely no satin for you for dessert."
                           - - - - -
 
* Two mosquitoes began buzzing around a drunk who came staggering
  out of a bar.  One looked at the other and said, "You bite him.
  I've got to fly home yet."
                           - - - - -
 
* Did ya ever wonder if a Mother centipede plays "This Little
  Piggy" with her kids.  And worse, imagine being the Vet who
  tries to treat a centipede when its feet hurt.
                           - - - - -
 
* Noah is portrayed in the Bible as a hero who saved the animals.
  OK, I can accept that, but how come he didn't leave behind the
  damn ants, flies, mosquitoes, gnats, termites, fleas, weevils...
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 05:59:23 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Graceful Aging?
 
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
 birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."
 
"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long
 suffering wife, "His cork's been stationary for years."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 13:55:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Scottish Student <not meant to be offensive>
 
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother
came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties,
salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey).
 
"How do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
 
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.
The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
 
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
 English neighbours?"
 
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
 quietly, playing my bagpipes."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 07:15:39 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Remember When?????
 
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....
 
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
 
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
 
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
 
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
 
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
 
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
 
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 07:59:46 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Pharmaceuticals <off. to fem>
 
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem,
a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the
balance...
 
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors
for up to four hours without pausing once.
 
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment
towards their spouse/boyfriend.
 
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels,
allowing 'facts' in trashy lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
 
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to
follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue
effectively  without being diverted into non-elevant postulates
such as "you don't love me anymore!"
 
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse
park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 40ft (12m) long; 54% achieved
this in under 15 minutes.
 
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes
appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug
has yet been found.
 
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking
this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42%
stayed within their credit limit.
 
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/
boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
 
          --via Barb's Jokebook
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 07:33:08 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Cats - offensive to men
 
           "Cats are intended to teach us that not every-
            thing in nature has a function."   - Unknown
 
                 ~~~  Let there be kitty litter!  ~~~
 
...And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me every day.  Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here
and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
 
And God said, "Notta problem!  I will create a companion for you
that will be a reflection of my love for you.  Regardless of how
selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
 
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it
was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of
a name for this new animal."
 
And God said, "Notta problem!  Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
 
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content
and wagged his tail.
 
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.  He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one
has taught him humility."
 
And the Lord said, "Notta problem!  I will create for him a
companion who will see him as he is, and will remind him of his
limitations."
 
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not
obey Adam.  And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.
 
And God was pleased...
  And Dog was happy and wagged his tail...
    And Adam was greatly improved...
      And Cat did not care one way or the other.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 09:10:12 -0500
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: New element discovered
 
            Message to Employees
 
A new element is discovered
 
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element,
tentatively named administratium, appears to be very closely
related to bureaucratiuma known deadly poison. Administratium has
no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0 (zero).
 
Upon initial inspection, however, it does have
   * one neutron
   * 125 assistant neutrons
   * 75 vice neutrons and
   * 111 assistant vice neutrons
which together give it an atomic mass of 312.
 
     Structure
 
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS. They are
also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
PEONS.
 
     Properties
 
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can
be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in
contact with.
 
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it
would have normally occurred in less than a second.
 
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years,
at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
 
     Occurrences
 
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain
points such as government agencies, large corporations and
universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best
appointed, and best maintained buildings.

 
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at
any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.
 
Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.
 
     --Posted by the Secretary of one of our state agencies
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 10:24:50 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Wonder Bra Newest Add on
 
The success of the 'Wonder Bra' for under-endowed women has
encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed
women.
 
It's called the 'Sheep Dog Bra'... it rounds them up and points
them in the right direction.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 11:32:17 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #57 (Nudity)
 
Dear Ann Landers:
I just read the letter from "Ohio Nightmare," whose in-laws
repeatedly showed up every Sunday morning unannounced and
uninvited. I had the very same problem, and it drove me crazy --
until I hit on a solution. When all else failed, I decided to
answer the door buck naked. My wife was horrified, and it took a
lot of nerve, but I did it.
After three more visits, the problem was solved. The in-laws never
showed up without phoning first. -- Jack in Bayside, N.Y.
 
 
Dear Jack:
Nothing succeeds like success. Savor the victory.
 
 
     --copied from columnist, Ann Landers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 12:50:16 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: snow contingency (ethnically offensive)
 
Ole and Lena are sitting down to their usual cup of morning
coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered
side of the streets."
 
Ole gets up from his coffee and says, "Waal, okay."
 
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups
of morning coffee when the weather forecast comes on.  "There will
be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of
the streets."
 
Ole gets up from his coffee and says, "Waal, okay."
 
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their
cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to
8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..." and then the power goes out
and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.  He says to
Lena, "What am I going to do now, Lena?"
 
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
 
          --from Patricia @pc.jaring.my
            via jmmd-request@penang.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 14:41:34 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Lawyer joke (offensive to lawyers)
 
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front
of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was
getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb,
and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
 
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and
it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.  Before
the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same,
no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again.
 
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook
his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on
your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
 
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
 
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."
 
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?
 
          --thanks to Jeri Sutherland
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 19:24:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Bicycle Tire (Pun)
 
A boy was complaining that his bicycle tire was flat. "Why don't
you pump it up?", said his father.
 
So the boy attaches a pump and begins filling the tire, then stops.
"I just can't do it," says the boy... "I can't stand the pressure!"
 
Pun of the Day:
After it s Oliver, we can Stan back, rest on our Laurels,
and have a Hardy laugh.
          --by Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:29:14 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date : Cancer <clean>
 
How To Date A Cancer Female  June 22-July 22 - Cancer

If you are dating a Cancer female,
- dine out for pizza, and afterwards take her to Baskin Robbins.
- Be sure to call her mother and check on the kids. She'll think
  you are really a nice guy.
- Dress casual, and drive a suburban, or mini-van. It's ok
- If you got the kids from your last divorce, that won't stop her
  from dating you.
- Offer to barbecue at her house and compliment her cooking. (That
  way you get to come back for more.)
- Bring the family with you, Cancer females can take it.
- Cancer females are very sensitive about everything near and dear
  to them.
- Never say bad things about her family members -- ever!
- They do possess humor.
- Pay attention to all her handmade quilts and home crafts.
- Cancer women are great homemakers.
- Let her know you like women with a "little meat" on their bones.
  (They taste everything they cook... yummy!)
- If you are not marriage minded, don't play games with Cancer
  women.
 
 
How To Date A Cancer Male
 
If you are dating a Cancer male,
- be prepared to go to swap meets and garage sales.
- Of course, he will take you out to eat, at least on your first
  date.
- He is pretty thrifty, so be sure you have a little stash of tip
  money in your purse.  Of course, if you want to pay for your own,
  that would be fine.
- Just be yourself around him.  Looks aren't that important to
  Cancer males, but do know some fabulous recipes!
- Talk about your love of children.
- Display an interest in his hobbies.
- Don't go into his garage, it will take the rest of the century to
  go through all of his bargains and collectables.
- Your Cancer man will be dating just you, and possibly his
  ex-wife.
- He is extremely stable, and loves to eat.
- If you think you need to diet, he won't.
- He loves chesty women!
- You will receive flowers from him, out of his garden, naturally.
- He will remember all the holidays and treat you well.
- Tell him all your funny stories, he likes to laugh.
- It's ok, to say you are pro marriage and to openly discuss it.
- He's there for you.
- He knows how to treat women, afterall, his best friend is his
  mother. When you marry a Cancer man, you get them both!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 26 Feb 1999 01:16:02 -0500
From:    "Aditya, the ]-[indu $keptic"
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: What did Bob Dole used to advise before Viagra
 
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from
the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.
 
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
 
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?" he asked again.
 
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your
Grandma's idea."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Feb 1999 to 26 Feb 1999
************************************************
 
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