HUMOR Digest - 24 Feb 1999 to 25 Feb 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 310 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. 3 in one (adult... off to polish & impotent guys & religous)
  2. Some things never change
  3. The Marriage
  4. Risks
  5. Mea Culpa <adult>
  6. Top 10 signs your Amish teen is in Trouble
  7. Humor - adult theme
  8. How to Date : Gemini <clean>
  9. An Occupational Hazard (Pun)
 
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Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 01:13:00 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: 3 in one(adult..off to polish & impotent guys & religous)
 
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
               =========================
 
Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
 
As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade
Russia.
               =========================
 
The difference between Niagra and Viagra?
 
Niagra Falls.
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 03:32:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Some things never change
 
A keynote speaker at a College Administrator's conference in
the NorthEastern United States gave the following address. He
was given a standing ovation by the attendees and hailed for
weeks after as a "visionary":
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
It is indeed a great and undeserved privilege to address such an
audience as I see before me. At no previous time in the history
of civilization have greater problems confronted and challenged
the ingenuity of man's intellect than now. Let us look around us.
What do we see on the horizon?  What forces are at work?  Whither
are we drifting?  Under what mist of clouds does the future stand
obscured?
 
My friends.  Casting aside the raiment of all human speech, the
crucial test for the solution of these intricate problems, to
which I have just alluded, is the sheer and forceful application
of those immutable laws which, down the corridors of time, have
always guided the hand of man, groping, as it were, for some
faint beacon light for his hopes and aspirations.  Without these
great vital principles, we are but puppets responding to whim &
fancy, failing entirely to grasp the hidden meaning of it all.
 
We must readdress ourselves to these questions which press for
answer and solution.  The issues cannot be avoided. There they
stand.  It is upon you, and you, and, yes, even upon me, that
the yoke of responsibility falls.
 
What, then, is our duty?  Shall we continue to drift? No! With
all the emphasis of my being I hurl back the message: "NO!"
 
Drifting must stop!  We must press onward and upward toward that
ultimate goal to which all must aspire!
 
          --Parker Nevin
            Princeton Alumni Weekly, 1948
 
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Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 06:02:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Marriage
 
At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows
to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the
church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on
the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they
had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the Mass began.
 
When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop's curiosity got
the better of him.  He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they
had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies
were to become the "Brides of Christ. "
 
The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained,
"Family of the Groom."
 
          --thanks to Irismist
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 07:13:43 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Risks
 
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas & dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
 
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is
to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has
nothing and is nothing.
 
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he cannot learn, feel,
change, grow or live. Chained by his certitudes, he is slave;
he has forfeited his freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 08:18:32 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Mea Culpa <adult>
 
To those feminists who prefer that the Bible be changed
to gender neutral:      Why is Satan always a man?
     -------------------------------
 
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an
old road, debating the greatness of their orders.  Suddenly,
an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them,
with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
 
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight
of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees,
adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his
shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid
to school?"
          -------------------------------
 
A minister wrote a sermon on humility that he was *so*
pleased with, that he decided to save it to impress someone...
          -------------------------------
 
Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!
          -------------------------------
 
The diocese decided to give Brother Juniper an award for humility,
but they took it away from him when he posted it in his office.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 08:49:39 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 signs your Amish teen is in Trouble
 
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
 4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard
    ain't listening."
 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
    cottage cheese."
 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 10:27:10 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor - adult theme
 
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail...
 
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she
wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
 
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each
man's room and left them to their business.  After the two men
were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
 
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.  She never
moved, talked or even groaned...  how was it for you?"
 
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
 
The first man asked, "How's that?"
 
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast...
she farted and flew out the window!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 25 Feb 1999 09:23:58 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date : Gemini <clean>
 
How To Date A Gemini Female  (May 22-June 21 - Gemini)
 
If you are dating a Gemini female,
- arrive on your mountain bike built for two.
- Ask her if she would like to ride over to the bar, and shoot
  a game of pool, because a lot of your buddies hang out there
  and they are fun!
- If that doesn't work, then suggest skating, a coffee house,
  or hanging out at the bookstore.
- Wear casual clothes and be prepared to talk a lot.
- Talk about the fascinating people you know, the intellectual
  types preferably.
- Tell her about the book you are going to write.
- Have some original thoughts and be inventive.
- Creativity ranks high on your Gemini females list.
- You'll never know what she is thinking.
- She is full of surprises.
- You can take her to the neighborhood dive bar, or to the
  Governor's Ball. She won't embarrass you.
- You can find out what she really thinks of you by locating her
  journal, where all her secrets are kept. Gemini females are not
  tidy, so it should be lying around in plain sight.
- There's lots of time before an engagement ring is necessary.
- Gemini females have to fall in love with your brain first!
 
 
How To Date A Gemini Male
 
If you are dating a Gemini male,
- you can expect him to stand you up on your first date, but if
  you are lucky, he will call, say he is running late, and that
  the plans for the date have changed.
- Bring an overnight bag, he can get carried away and forget that
  you need to go home.
- He will have the cutest twinkling eyes, and you will forgive him.
- He will slightly ignore you in public, as he always knows
  everyone, wherever he takes you, and speaks to each one.
- Somehow, you can't picture him in a tuxedo, going down the aisle.
- Gemini males won't call you everyday.
- Gemini men are witty, fun, and can play, play, and play!
- These men thrive in occupations where they can meet the public,
  and talk.
- Gemini males are great as disc jockeys.
- If you want to catch this guy, don't lean on him, don't get
  pregnant, or talk marriage.
- Be a challenge, do your own thing and let your Gemini male chase
  you.
- It's ok to date others.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 19:45:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: An Occupational Hazard (Pun)
 
My university includes a large hospitality and catering department
which used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that
prolonged exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and
planned to publish a paper on it... "Master Baking Makes you
Blind."
 
          --by David Singmaster
 
  
Pun of the Day:
Having one wife is monotony.
When a man has more than one wife, he is a pigamist.
A man who marries twice comits bigotry.
          --by Richard Lederer
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Feb 1999 to 25 Feb 1999
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