HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1999 to 24 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Adulterated Adages (2 of 2)
  2. Romancing Your Wife
  3. Stress Management
  4. MrsPBen's List: Why Women Are Better <adult>
  5. Cowboy and Indians (Adult content)
  6. Short book titles
  7. Town Butt (adult)
  8. That Word! <adult theme>
  9. The Offering (Pun)
 10. How to date the Taurus <clean>
 11. Tech Support
 
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Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 04:57:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Adulterated Adages (2 of 2)
 
Adulterated Adage - A wise saying you rewrite to suit your
                    purpose, to create a new one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
* Et tu Brute ?
  actually no... I prefer Calvin Klein's "Obsession"
 
* Men would be Angels, Angels would be God...
  which doesn't really leave much room for God's advancement
 
* Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...
  you may however hurl insults and innuendo anytime
 
* Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die...
  of course, if you don't, there'll be hell to pay
 
* The play's the thing...
  well, unless there's a good movie on
 
* Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well...
  whatever is not worth doing is assigned to a subordinate
 
* The night has a thousand eyes...
  so be sure to pull all the shades, shut the blinds...
 
* Time and tide wait for no man --
  of course, all women believe time will wait for them
 
* To be, or not to be, that is the question...
  the question these days is: Whether to do before you are done
 
* Neither a borrower nor a lender be...
  theft increases your assets while avoiding all taxes
 
* Who shall decide when doctors disagree...
  why your health care plan, of course !
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 06:23:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Romancing Your Wife
 
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob
just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door,
Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how
beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it
was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking,
kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
 
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd
started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and
things couldn't be better.
 
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife
a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife
burst into tears.
 
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is
the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and
twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the
basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:05:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Stress Management
 
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
 
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the
world".
 
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.
 
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under
the water.
 
There now... feeling better???
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 08:52:58 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: MrsPBen's List: Why Women Are Better <adult>
 
Why Women are better :
 
* We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we
  do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that
  would require aerodynamic legs.
 
* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone
  being suspect of our sexuality.
 
* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
  When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
 
* We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking
  like something the cat dragged in.
 
* We can wear platforms - which is why there is no
  such thing as a "short woman's complex."
 
* We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...
  and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
 
* We can get off with teenagers without being called
  dirty old perverts.
 
* We never ejaculate prematurely.
 
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
  disorder excuses.
 
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return
  our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
 
* We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
 
* We got off the Titanic first.
 
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous -
  they look like complete dicks in ours.
 
* We have total control over our eyebrows.
 
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
 
* It's cool to be a daddy's girl.
  It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
 
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
 
* The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts...
  and pool... and football.
 
* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies
  wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...
 
* Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
 
* We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's
  a direct correlation between the size of our scores and
  the size of our genitals.
 
* Taxis stop for us.
 
* We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
 
* We have no desire to arrange our possessions
  in alphabetical order. Ever!
 
* We've never fancied a cartoon character or
  the central figure in a computer game.
 
* It does not enhance our social standing to understand
  the inner workings of a 'ruck'(or any other rugby thing).
  But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
 
* We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean.
  Ever.
 
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
 
* Sorry........... We are just better.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:38:34 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Cowboy and Indians (Adult content)
 
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going
to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three
days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
 
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his
horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something,
then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours
later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the
horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
 
The Indians look at each other,  figuring, "Typical white man - can
only think of one thing."
 
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
 
The cowboy  says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring
him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers
something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two
hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets
off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
 
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going
to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
 
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
man. What you want?"
 
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
 
The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both
ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 11:32:52 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Short book titles
 
          The World's 25 Shortest Books
 
25. My Plan to find the Real Killers - by O J Simpson
24. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
23. To All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
22. The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. Things I Would not do for Money - by Dennis Rodman
19. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell Bob
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy Unix
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know about Women
 9. Everything Women Know About Men
 8. French Hospitality
 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
 6. How to Sustain a Musical Career - by Art Garfunkel
 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
 4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the EPA
 3. Staple Your Way to Success
 2. The Amish Phone Directory
 1. (Tie) The Book of Virtues - by Bill Clinton
 1. (Tie) Prosecutorial Restraint - by Kenneth Starr
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 15:03:29 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Town Butt (adult)
 
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that
was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
 
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate,
he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the
asshole of the world!"
 
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's
passing through."
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 22:42:04 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: That Word! <adult theme>
 
A man was going on a business trip did not trust his wife, so he
asked his two sons to watch his wife while he was away. He was not
so sure if his sons would be around all the time, so he also asked
his neighbor to make sure that his wife did not get up to any
mischief.
 
When the man returned from his business trip he asked his sons
what his wife was doing while he was gone. Both replied "She was
fucking!" He did not want to believe his sons so he asked his
neighbor who also said she was fucking. The man was furious and
decided to get a divorce, so they went to court.
 
Judge, speaking to the man: "Bring up your first witness"
 
First son took the bench. The judge asked him what the wife was
doing in his own words.
 
Son: "She was fucking."
 
Judge: "We can not have words like that in my court! That will be a
        $20 fine and throw him out of my court! Bring up the second
        witness!"
 
Second son took the bench. The judge asked him what the wife was
doing in his own words.
 
Son: "She was fucking."
 
Judge: "I told you we can not have words like that in my court!
        That will be 20 days in jail and throw him out of my court.
 
The judge said bring up the last witness so the neighbor took the
bench.
 
Judge: "Tell me what his wife was doing without using THAT WORD!"
 
Neighbor:
"Ten toes up, Ten toes down,
two bare butts swinging around,
meat going in, meat going out,
if that ain't fucking then throw me out!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 19:51:08 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Offering (Pun)
 
A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on
an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had
left a freshly fried egg roll. Before he left the house, he noticed
that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his house boy
about the matter, the house boy with guilt replied... "I know its
only wokkened roll, Buddha lack it."
 
 
Pun of the Day:
A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set
foot.
                -by Richard Lederer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 24 Feb 1999 09:36:05 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to date the Taurus <clean>
  
How to Date A Taurus Female: (April 21-May 21 - Taurus)
 
- If you are dating a Taurus female, take her to an expensive steak
  house, rub on your soft musk, wear your corporate suit, and
  arrive in your four-door sedan. If it is paid for, you may drop
  that subtlety in your conversation during dinner.
- Taurus females prefer tender hugs and quiet candlelight dinners
  at home, prepared by you.
- She'll return the love by cooking for you at her home.
- When mentioning the house you would like to build, make sure you
  tell her about the large wooded lot with room for kids and dogs.
- If you are serious about her, let her know that it wouldn't be
  complete without a woman's touch. She will interpret your comment
  and hint about a cute little 20 carat diamond she spotted at the
  mall.
- Taurus females are warm and loving! (Unless you make her mad or
  jealous. Don't tell her you spent your rent money to buy drugs.)
- Taurus Females are security minded, and will stick by you!
 
 
How to Date A Taurus Male
 
- If you are dating a Taurus male, be prepared to watch lots of
  movies at his home.
- His dog will eventually accept the two of you being together.
- A real treat will be when he takes you out to dinner to a four
  star restaurant.
- Taurus males will think you look great in forest green, however,
  they like nudity above all.
- Taurus males have the cuddly teddy bear approach to love.  He
  will certainly have his arm around you, during the movies.
- If you want to win his heart, get him a cold beer without him
  asking you.
- He will of course, apologize for his messy home.  He would know
  he had your love, if you surprised him by cleaning it up, and
  making the chili when he entertains his friends for Monday night
  football.
- He likes to take his own sweet time, so don't push him.
- He is the marrying kind.
- Visualize Mr. Taurus, watching television from his recliner, dog
  at his feet, a child under under each arm, complete with TV guide
  and beer can pyramid.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 20:23:14 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Tech Support
 
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.  No mention of this phenomenon
was included in the product brochure.  In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors  all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system.
 
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install
does not work on this program.  Can you help me?
 
                                   - Jonathan Powell
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Dear Jonathan Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due
to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend
1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities
& Entertainment" program.
 
Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and designed by its creator to run
everything. WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed.  Trying to un-install Wife
1.0 can be disasterous.  Doing so may destroy your hard and/or
floppy drive.  Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy
valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.  Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems
than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0
in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0
detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead
to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to
download simular products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their
systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with  the situation.
 
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).  You
must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button
then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.  System will run
smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.  Wife 1.0 is a
great program but is very high maintenance.
 
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
      -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
      -Frequently use Communicator 5.0
 
                              -Tech Support
 
          --thanks to Howard Brown
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1999 to 24 Feb 1999
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