HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1999 to 23 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 512 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:

  1. Shopping <off. to Jews>
  2. Adulterated Adages (1 of 2)
  3. Top5 - 2/22/99 - Dan Quayle Campaign Promises
  4. Legal Wranglings
  5. New Office Vocabulary
  6. Not Worth The Risk
  7. Ethnic Jokes <adult, hopefully offensive>
  8. Dealing with it, questions & comments about contemporary life
  9. Reasons Tinky Winky Can't Be Gay
 10. Friar Tuck (Pun)
 11. How to date the Aries <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 09:59:56 +0200
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Shopping <off. to Jews>
 
A Jew is finally moving to Israel, so he goes to the local Rabbi to
ask for advice.
 
The Rabbi says: "And remember, my boy, there are a lot of salesmen
down there who would like a quick buck, so whatever you do, don't
buy anything unless you can get it for half the price".
 
So the Jew thanks the Rabbi and off he goes to Israel.
 
One day, he's out for some air and he sees this marvelous hat in a
store window. So he gets in and asks the salesman: "How much is
this hat?"
 
"That would be 2,000 shekels", says the salesman.
 
"This is too much. I will take it for 1,000".
 
"You can't be serious! Look, I'll let you have it for 1,800".
 
"No, still too much. 900 is my last offer", says the Jew.
 
The salesman frowns and asks: "Where are you from, anyway?"
 
So the Jew tells him. "Are you a friend of that Rabbi?" asks the
salesman.
 
"Yes".
 
"In this case I tell you what. I'll let you have that hat for
 free".

The Jew thinks for a second and says: "Then I'll take two of them".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 03:57:20 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Adulterated Adages (1 of 2)
 
     Adulterated Adage - A wise saying you rewrite to suit your
                         purpose, to create a new one.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
* Frailty, thy name is woman
  and frivolity, captivation, polemical, intriguing...
  
* Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy, rainy day...
  and you'll get a stiff neck fer shure, and may even drown
 
* Something is rotten in the State of Denmark --
  the White House ain't smelling too good these days either
 
* Beware the fury of a patient man...
  and of course, the fury of any woman
 
* Marry in haste and repent at leisure...
  for that matter, marry at all and repent forever
 
* It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game...
  of course, if you cheat, you'll rack-up a lot more points
 
* Life's a stage where every man must play a part...
  OK, who do I see about getting a leading role
 
* In the Spring, a young man's fancy turns to love...
  in all other seasons, it's just plain old lust
 
* To thine own self be true...
  and lie like hell to everyone else
 
* Be thou chaste as ice and pure as snow...
  and surely all men shall call you frigid
 
* The wages of sin is death...
  of course, the wages of purity is also death
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 05:46:56 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/22/99 - Dan Quayle Campaign Promises
 
           The Top 15 Dan Quayle Campaign Promises
 
15> Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska
 
14> "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"
 
13> Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers

 
12> To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century."
 
11> New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"
 
10> A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war
 
 9> Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court
 
 8> Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool
    rocket car idea I came up with.
 
 7> More bondage between parents & children.
 
 6> Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the
    Department of Defense.
 
 5> Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between
    Star-Bellied Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.
 
 4> "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared
    for the Y2K bug."
 
 3> Support NATOE
 
 2> Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.
 
    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dan Quayle Campaign Promise...
 
 1> Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling
    Brothers comes through.
 
 
NOTE FROM CHRIS:  Dan Quayle, the former U.S. Vice President and
longtime punching bag of reporters and comedians everywhere,
recently announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination
for President in 2000.  While media attention is certain to be
focused on Quayle's constant assault on the English language,
Top5 decided to look behind the "Dumb Dan" image and focus on
the politics of the man in question.
 
   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 06:20:55 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Legal Wranglings
 
One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking
down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young
lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said,
"I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman."
 
To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after
bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her
apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
 
The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as
he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating,
"If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it."
 
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
 
The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons
ordering his presence in court as defendant... He hurried to his
lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She
can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
 
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the
court as follows "Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of
shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for
a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only
$25.  The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property,
and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure
payment of the balance."
 
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case
had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from
what he had planned.  This is what he said "Your Honor, my client
agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of
pleasure was derived from the transaction.  However my client found
a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk
a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by
him.  We claim these  improvements to the property are sufficient
to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask
that the judgment not be granted."
 
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was like this... "Your Honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property,
and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent,
however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would
have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the
premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft
and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his
equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much large than
it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to
little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."
 
She won.........
 
          --thanks to Daryl Hillen
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 07:14:02 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Office Vocabulary
 
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss.
 
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.
 
Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything
and then leaves.
 
Blowing your buffer:
Losing your train of thought.
 
Salmon day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die in the end.
 
Chain saw consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count,
leaving the brass with clean hands.
 
CLM:
Career-limiting move... Used among micro serfs to describe the
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.
 
Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been dilberted again.  The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
 
Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
the company or department soon.
 
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
 
Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards.
 
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.
 
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to
get it to work again.
 
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an
office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls
to see what's going on.
 
Telephone Number Salary:
A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
 
Umfriend:
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 07:25:17 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Not Worth The Risk
 
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnnie down to the water hole
to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was dipping the bucket
in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He dropped the bucket
and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
 
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked
him.
 
"I can't get any water from that water hole, "Gramma!" exclaimed
Johnnie. "there's a big ol' alligator down there waiting for me!"
 
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnnie.  He's been there
for a few years now, and he's never hurt anyone.  Why, he's
probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
 
"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnnie, "if he's as scared of me as I am
of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:20:46 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, hopefully offensive>
 
With the spirit of perestroika and glasnost, Egypt sent a mummy to
Russia as a gift.  The Egyptians said they were sorry, but they
didn't know how old it was. Several weeks later, a Russian museum
rep called the Egyptian curator and said they now knew the mummy's
exact age.
 
Amazed, the Egyptian asked, "How did you find out? All of our tests
were inconclusive."
 
"Easy," the Russian replied.  "The mummy confessed."
                 ------------------------------
 
Q: What did Abe Lincoln say after his 5-day drunk?
A: "I Freed WHO?!"
                 ------------------------------
 
Q. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A. They're worth it.
                 ------------------------------
 
Q: Why are New Yorkers such surly ratfaced arseholes?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
                 ------------------------------
 
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said, There's one thing I DO know:
  A woman is fine,
  A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero UNO!
                 ------------------------------
 
Q: What do you call an Irish pervert?
A: An Irishman who prefers sex to whisky.
                 ------------------------------
 
Is it true that all guys from Australia
 always get a good nights sheep?
                 ------------------------------
 
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
                 ------------------------------
 
Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A: The same thing as a French kiss... only down under!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 11:48:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dealing with it, questions & comments about
         contemporary life
 
Atlanta be proud-when Samaranch did not proclaim these "the best
games ever," he was really saying, "Atlanta did not pay out the
best bribes ever!"
 
Keep your fantasy life inside your head where it belongs.
 
Jerry Falwell has the right stuff to be a teletubby - he's a fat,
goofy character who says and does silly things to get on TV.
 
Every time I begin to think that Jerry Falwell is not as a big a
fool as I first thought, new evidence comes to light.
 
The secret is out. While the rest of the country has been fixed
on the impeachment proceedings, Jerry Falwell has been watching
"Teletubbies."
 
The journalists don't seem to mind making fun of someone (i.e.,
Falwell) when they say something stupid (e.g., the gay teletubby
quote), but when it turns out that the person never said it or
anything like it, all we get is protective silence and empty space.
 
I knew it was going to be a long Valentine's night when I gave my
wife a heart-shaped box of chocolates and she gave me a big round
bottle of Viagra.
 
Men may come into my life, and men may go. But chocolate is
forever!
 
My lifetime ambition is to live in a two-story, doublewide trailer.
 
In the broadcast arena, "next" is a code word meaning 10 minutes of
annoying commercials are about to be aired. So when you hear the
word next, do as I do, change stations.
 
A finalist in the Miss USA pageant was asked last week, "If you
could put one word on a T-shirt, what would it be?" Her answer:
"I'm so excited!"
 
Ask not what you can do for your country, because President Clinton
would be all too happy to tell you.
 
I just found out my boss is taking away my Internet access because
I use it to read HUMOR everyday. Looks like I'm going to have to
start reading the comics again.
 
I understand the airlines are going to offer "pot-luck" flights,
where each passenger brings a dish.
 
 
Most from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 20:38:52 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Reasons Tinky Winky Can't Be Gay
 
* The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really,
  clash-o-rama!
 
* He's kinda' obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially
  public figures) are in remarkable shape.
 
* That headpiece. Where I rate it for its FABULOUS height and
  tasteful shape, it really doesn't have much in the way of frills,
  its just a triangle. A true gay person would have accessorized it
  with beads, pearls, sequins and/or something frilly.
 
* He hangs out in a meadow... ummmm skip that one, George Michael
  in the park ruined that analogy for me.
 
* He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said.
 
* The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who
  would go with a name like that... I mean HELLO, it screams "I'm
  small "down there" and I don't care who knows it"!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 19:30:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Friar Tuck (Pun)
 
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then
Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.
 
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him
into the river, but the song lingered on.
 
The moral of the story...  You can lead a drunk to water but you
can't make him hoarse.
 
          --by Anna Smith
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 23 Feb 1999 12:00:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to date the Aries <clean>
 
How To Date An Aries Female: (March 21-April 20 - Aries)
 
- If you are dating an Aries female, take  her out to the shooting
  range.  Bring an extra gun for her to shoot with you.  (She is
  capable of shooting at you, if you rile her anger.)
- Wear tight jeans, a red shirt and look manly.
- Pick her up on your Harley Davidson, but remind her you have a
  private race car collection.
- Be Macho!  Do not talk about old girlfriends!
- Aries females must be the only "one".
- Cooking isn't her goal in life, but adventure will get her
  attention!
- Don't be a pushover, she'll lose interest, and look for another
  challenge.
- Tell her she is really cool, and the most fun and exciting woman
  you were ever  with.  (This will probably not be a lie.)
- She values honesty, don't  fabricate!
- Be careful though, if this Aries female really likes you, she'll
  chase you until she can propose to you.
- Aries females means business and are not recommended for timid
  men!
 
 
How To Date An Aries Male
 
- If you are dating an Aries male, allow him to decide where to go
  and what to do.
- Let him know that you have never dated a man with such confidence
  and brains.
- You can be the dumb blonde with this guy, he'll save you.
- If you are out with him and you flirt with someone else, be
  prepared to call a cab to get home.
- Aries males do like skin and cleavage, therefore, you could win
  him back.  It will not work a second time.
- He can argue with you, and when you think you have won, he will
  still do it his way.
- He wants to chase you, so let him do the calling and guesswork.
- Don't tell him you love him, until he proposes.
- To catch this hot-blooded Aries man, give the Ram his head and
  follow his lead.
- Everyday is an adventure to an Aries male, marriage is also.
- Rest up!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1999 to 23 Feb 1999
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