HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1999 to 22 Feb 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 382 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. What's-a-matter You ?
  2. Duh Questions
  3. The New Bride (adult content)
  4. TV Troubles
  5. The authors
  6. Stream of Consciousness (Puns)
  7. You've got Mail! <clean>
  8. How God's decided how long man would live <cute story>
 
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Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 05:12:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: What's-a-matter You ?
 
* While applying for a loan the Yuppette was asked if she lived
  within her income.  "Certainly not !" she replied haughtily,
  "It's all I can do to live within my credit limits."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A lady called the TV repairman to come and look at her new
  giant screen TV. He asked what the problem was with it and she
  replied, "Well... the news anchor is on right now and he has
  a long face."
    Impatiently the repairman replied, "Lady... if you had to
  report the news he does, you'd have a long face too."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The defense attorney was questioning the key witness: "Mr
  Anders, you're not telling the same story you did right after
  the shooting, are you ?"
    "No sir." replied the witness.
    "And why is that sir ?" asked the attorney.
    "Well, you see, I was a-talkin' then. I'm swearin' now."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A telephone repairman had just installed some new equipment
  in the Pentagon and started to leave, but became lost in the
  maze of the building. After 15 minutes of fruitless searching
  for an exit, he walked into an office and asked the secretary,
  "How do I get outside ?"
    She looked at his telephone repairman's uniform and snapped,
  "Just dial 9 silly."
                           - - - - -
 
*   While shopping, an older GrandMother-type woman spoke to a
  cute lil' girl: "How do you do my dear, how are you ?"
    The lil' girl smiled and replied, "Fine, thank you." then
  started to walk away.
    After a pause, the older woman said, "Aren't you going to
  ask me how I am ?"
    "Nope." said the girl, "I ain't the least bit interested."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 09:27:00 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Duh Questions
 
          Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
          by Paul Grayson
          Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines
 
10. Do these steps go up or down?
 9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
 8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
 7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
 6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
 5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
 4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
 3. What elevation are we at?
 2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays
    them the next day... the question asked... If the pictures
    aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
 1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 09:01:38 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The New Bride (adult content)
 
A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
 
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
 
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
 
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
 
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab Sheik.  He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams.  You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of
luxury for the rest of your lives."
 
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my
Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is poke me in the rear.
Day and night, all he'll do is bang my butt.. When I got married,
my butt-hole was like a dime... now, it's like a silver dollar."
  
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make
trouble?"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 12:37:44 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: TV TroublesS
 
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station...
 
I actually bought a congressman.
 
 
http2//www.raneboux.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 13:48:16 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The authors
 
As a final exam in an English literature course the professor
quoted a brief but rollicking passage and then posed the question
"Is this by Henry James or Mary Shelley? Support your answer with
specific references, etc."
 
The winning essay consisted of a single sentence:
 
"It must be Shelley 'cause James don't shake like that."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 21 Feb 1999 14:12:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Stream of Consciousness (Puns)
 
I recently thought a visit to the river might have a calming effect
on my nerves. The phone rang as I was leaving the house, but I left
it unanswered [parenthetical note: If you know me, now you *know*
this is fiction!] because I would brook no interference.
 
I walked over to the water's edge; there were children gamboling on
the riverbank -- and a few card players were doing the same. I
watched as they promptly paid their debts--this is no age to owe.
 
Some folks were hitting a ball through hoops on the grassy green,
using, of course, croquet mallards, and a white bird swam through
the waterway that I instantly recognized as an aqueduck.
 
Just then, a dispute erupted farther along the bank, where a
softball game was in progress. Had the ball been hit fair or fowl?
My opinion was elicited, but not wanting to be drawn into the fray,
I decided to duck the issue.
 
Along came a swan carrying a check in her beak; she wanted to make
a deposit in the riverbank. Two young geese swam behind; they were
obviously thirsty -- they were gosling a great deal of water.
 
Suddenly a frog lighted on the back of one of the swimming fowl,
but he wasn't sure how to hop off again -- he was too young to know
how to get down from a duck.
 
A different kind of bird approached, and a friendly goose called
out, "Come on in -- the water's fine." But the newcomer answered,
"I can't swim -- I was just chicken the scene out."
 
From upriver, a boat approached, but it was taking on water fast.
As it got closer, I could see it had too much cargo for so small a
craft. Clearly it was weighed down upon the swanny river. (It
wasn't carrying gasoline... even though, of course, that's what
makes a cargo.)
 
Yes, I admit I wrote this story when I should have been working on
that damn book... water you going to do about it?
 
          by Cynthia MacGregor
                via PUNY
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 09:58:27 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: You've got Mail! <clean>
 
     This could be offensive to ShopGirl's fans
 
          Coming this season to a cinema near you,
              Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star as:
 
...two meteorologists, struggling with severe weather, in:
   You've Got Hail!
 
...two blind people, falling in love over dots on a page, in:
   You've Got Braille!
 
...a petty crim and his defence lawyer, going to court, in:
   You've Got Bail!
 
...and the heart-wrenching sequel, after he blows it:
   You've Got Gaol!
 
...two American high school students, waiting for their College
   entrance results, in:  You've Got Yale!
 
...and their blurry initiation to the world of fraternities, in:
   You've Got Ale!
 
...and comparing results after a stormy freshman year, in:
   You've Got Fail!
 
...two Knights from the Court of King Arthur, donning their armour,
   in:  You've Got Nail!
 
...and return victorious from their lifelong quest in:
   You've Got Grail!
 
...two old people, meeting again after so many years, in:
   You've Got Frail!
 
...Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, in:
   You've Got Whale!
 
...two lovers, eating escargot in a French restaurant, in:
   You've Got Snail!
 
...two lusers, getting online for the first time, in:
   You've Got AOL!
 
...two geologists, fall in love over a piece over sedimentary rock,
   in:  You've Got Shale!
 
...Charles Darwin and a monkey, arguing about evolution, in:
   You've Got Tail!
 
...two yachtsmen, setting out on a leisurely cruise, in:
   You've Got Sail!
 
...and the frightening sequel when the weather turns nasty, in:
   You've Got Gale!
 
...and as the water level rises, they fight to stay afloat, in:
   You've Gotta Bail!
 
...two female gymnasts, barred from the Sydney Olympics, when their
   hormone tests come back, in:  You've Got Male!
 
...two loaves of bread, left on the shelf for too long, in:
   You've Got Stale!
 
...Jack and Jill, going up the hill, in:
   You've Got Pail!
 
...two tycoons, forging the link to the West, in:
   You've Got Rail!
 
...two S&M fetishists, taking their sport to new extremes, in:
   You've Got Flail!
 
...a bride and her dressmaker, adding the final touches, in:
   You've Got Veil!
 
...George and Barbara Bush, coping with poor preselection, in:
   You've Got Quayle!
 
...Hansel and Gretel, finding their way home, in:
   You've Got Trail!
 
...a Nazi soldier greeting his Fuhrer, in:
   You've Got Heil!
 
...a car-dealer and his customer, agreeing on a price, in:
   You've Got Sale!
 
...twelve notes, separated by semitones, in:
   You've Got Scale!
 
...PhD students, compiling an enormous list of stupid puns, in:
   I Got Bored.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 22 Feb 1999 00:20:25 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: How God's decided how long man would live <cute story>
 
God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50
years.
 
The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20.'   And it was so.
 
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest
companion.  You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
 
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too
much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
 
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey.  You
shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be
funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
 
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of
the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10
years.' And it was so.
 
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth.  You will use your
intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.
 
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the
15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.'
And it was so.
 
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding
his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like
a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
 
          --Author unknown
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1999 to 22 Feb 1999
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