HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1999 to 21 Feb 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Pharmacists
  2. Bragging on my Dog(Aussie humor)
  3. Comparative religions
  4. Top 25 Programmer Comments
  5. Its a Wacky World! #56
  6. Curious questions & comments about contemporary life
  7. The Dancers
 
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Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 03:13:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Pharmacists
 
* One Pharmacist in Columbia Maryland is lauding a new drug for
  the Yuppie crowd.  It doesn't give a false sense of security
  or relaxation -- it makes you enjoy being tense.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for
  their prescriptions at least helped pass the time.  When their
  meds were finally ready, they paid & walked away.  The Druggist
  stood there & shook his head.  I asked, "What's with them ?"
    He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible.  He's on Xanax
  and she's on Prozac."
                           - - - - -
 
*   For those of you not familiar with the typical American drug
  store, most sell everything from groceries to compact cars. A
  lady customer asked the Druggist if the hair nets on display
  were truly invisible.
    He replied, "Miss, I've sold a dozen of them just today, and
  we've been out of them all week."
                           - - - - -
 
*   While waiting for a prescription to be filled, I heard an
  explosion from behind the divider, followed by an outpouring
  of dense black smoke.
    The Pharmacist emerged several minutes later, his white
  uniform scorched black.  He glared at the woman waiting next
  to me and said, "Would you ask your doctor to write your
  prescription again, and this time -- PRINT IT !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   I've been going to the same pharmacy for years now, and yet
  each time they ask my address, phone number, social security
  number, etc.  A perky lil' blonde pharmacist was taking the
  information, & I said curtly, "My fingerprints are on file."
    She was unshaken, saying, "OK." then asked, "Grandmother's
  maiden name ?"
    Not to be outdone, I quipped, "Maternal or Paternal ?"
    She looked up smiling and said, "You're pretty good."
    Not finished with her yet I replied, "That's what I've been
  told many times."
    Pausing to check me out, she raised one eyebrow, "Perhaps
  the level of testing here-to-fore has been insufficient."
 
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Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 03:21:12 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Bragging on my Dog(Aussie humor)
 
Whenever two drovers get together there is the inevitable argument
about who has the best kelpie sheepdog. So the merits of their
respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.
 
"My dog's so smart," said one, "I can give him five instructions at
 the same time and he will carry them out to perfection."
 
"That's nothing," said his mate. "I only whistle and point and
 Rover anticipates the whole exercise."
 
Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first
drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards,
select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into
the ute which was parked outside the pub.
 
The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen
bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute,
dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.
 
"Well that's not bad," conceded the second drover. "But watch
 this."
 
"Rover, what about some tucker?"
 
In a cloud of dust Rover streaked down the main street to a farm
five Kilometres out of town. Rover raced into the chook house,
nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.
 
The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his
master's feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head the dog
gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth
and dashed to the creek, set the billy on the fire and dropped the
egg into the simmering water.
 
After exactly three minutes, Rover rolled the billy off the fire,
laid the boiled egg at his master's feet and stood on his head.
 
"Well, that beats all," conceded the first drover, "but why is he
 standing on his head?"
 
"Well he knows I haven't got an egg cup," said the proud owner.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 07:44:09 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Comparative religions
 
    A lesson in comparative religions based on the bumper sticker:
    He who dies with the most toys, wins!
    ==============================================================
 
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
 
Jehovah's Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
 
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
 
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.
 
Buddhism: He who dies with no toys, wins.
 
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is 
           caught selling his toys goes straight to hell.
 
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
 
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
 
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
 
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer
              dry.
 
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
 
Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
 
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
 
Muslim: He who plays only with soldier toys, wins.
 
Satanism: He who plays with fire, wins.
 
Judaism: He who buys toys wholesale, wins.
 
Anglican: They were our toys first.
 
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
 
7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
 
Baptist: Let's hold hands and forget our toys.
 
Methodists: Toys-R-Us
 
Humanism: Let's discuss the toy problem.
 
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Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 09:02:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Top 25 Programmer Comments
 
The top 25 comments made by Programmers when their programs don't
work:
 
 1. Strange...
 2. I've never heard about that.
 3. It did work yesterday.
 4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
 5. How is this possible?
 6. The machine seems to be broken.
 7. Has the operating system been updated?
 8. The user has made an error again.
 9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidence.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 10:31:35 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #56
 
                 Case of missing driver solved.
 
A Houston wrecker driver who had a good time Tuesday night, awoke
Wednesday morning to find his truck was submerged in Brays Bayou
and police were looking for his body.
 
A small portion of a wrecker was spotted in the bayou near Stella
Link about 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, as high waters from the previous
night's heavy rains began to subside.
 
Told the wrecker and its driver had last been seen about 3 a.m.,
police divers worked to recover the truck, and searched the bayou
for the missing driver.
 
Authorities also contacted the towing company to which the truck
belonged, and attempts were made to contact the driver at his home,
to no avail.
 
The mystery was solved later Wednesday morning when the wrecker
driver called a co-worker. Seems the driver had met a new friend at
a bar Tuesday night and, after a few drinks, had left his truck at
that bar and gone home with her.
 
Reports of the driver's death were greatly exaggerated -- unless,
of course, he was married.
 
 
Source: S.K. Bardwell, police beat
        Houston Chronicle
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 16:46:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Curious questions & comments about contemporary life
 
My friend asked me what a paradigm is and I said, "It's a model."
He said, "That means Kathy ireland is my favorite paradigm."
 
Reading the Living section of the newspaper, I have discovered
there is a new definition for the word "urban." It now means black.
 
My high school was so tough that everyone thought an outline was
what you draw around a dead body.
 
Any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. Once
cooking and the other cleaning.
 
The Atlanta zoo should name their Pandas Bill and Monica. That
might encourage them to breed.
 
Lost Dog: Notch in left ear, left rear leg missing, tail bobbed,
blind in right eye. Has been castrated. Answers to the name of
"Lucky."
 
Preachers are not "put out to pasture." They have a retirement plan
that is out of this world.
 
Oh yea, now the Boulder police think the teddy bear did it.
 
There's a new cat food commercial that says if you have a cat, you
live longer. I'm here to tell you, it just seems longer.
 
Someone please remind me to never again wear a wrap skirt on a
windy day.
 
To those women too beautiful to get a date: I'm forming a support
group at my place.
 
My boss is an idiot.
 
My friend was driving to the aiport and saw the sign, "Airport
Left." He turned around and went home.
 
The Republicans, drunk with power for several years, have started
to sober up and are now wondering if the voters will respect them
in the morning.
 
To the "most beautiful" woman: Men won't ask me out because I'm fat
and ugly. But at least I'm not obnoxious.
 
Middle age: When work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 20 Feb 1999 14:14:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Dancers
 
I went to this bar in San Francisco. There was a small stage where
a girl was dancing. Since there was no other customer there, the
bartender was in a talkative mood. He told me he employed twin
girls named Shelly and Jan to dance on the stage.
 
Since they were working their way through college, they took turns
dancing. One day Shelly danced there and the next day Jan danced
there. I asked him which one was on the stage that day and he
replied... "It must be Shelly 'cause Jan don't shake like that."
 
          --by Jack Darcy
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1999 to 21 Feb 1999
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