HUMOR Digest - 19 Feb 1999 to 20 Feb 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 687 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. This Crazy World
  2. Cyber Sex
  3. The Genie
  4. Teenagers
  5. A moaner
  6. Nursing home
  7. This Week In Social Science
  8. Quotes
  9. PUNY Riddles
 10. Some cool quotes
 11. Canned Contents (adult)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 05:25:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: This Crazy World
 
Italy's highest appeals court overturned a rape conviction
because the victim was wearing jeans.  The court ruled, "It
is common knowledge that jeans cannot even be partly removed
without the effective help of the person wearing them."
                           - - - - -
 
Medical Financial aid for seniors ("Medicare") in the US is
cracking down on fraud.  After auditing just 14% of the bills,
improper billing amounted to $ 12.6 billion last year.  Most
health care providers said the errors were innocent mistakes.
                           - - - - -
 
Thousands of Dartmouth students, stunned by the school's plan
to make fraternities and sororities "substantially coed" held
demonstrations in protest.  President James Wright said the
plan's aim was to encourage "relations between men and women".
                           - - - - -
 
A plan to put emotionally disturbed teenage offenders in an
exclusive residential section has upset residents.  Spokesmen
for Maryland's Juvenile Services said the teens are so emotion-
ally damaged they cannot function in institutional settings,
adding the boys pose little to no threat to the neighborhood.
                           - - - - -
 
Discovery Communications Inc, parent company of "The Discovery
Channel" is about to save $340,000 on their Maryland tax bill
every year by a change in the state tax rules.  When it was
pointed out the company, the chairman and his wife donated over
$20,000 to the Governor's re-election campaign, Assistant State
Comptroller Marvin Bond said the Governor had nothing to do with
this "correction" in Maryland's tax code.
                           - - - - -
 
The President of the New Nordic Society, Dr. Tyrdal, from Oslo
Norway, says humor "helps people feel better when they're sick.
Laughter improves circulation, relaxes muscles, & is a natural
anti-depressant."
"Overdoses are impossible." added Society member Dr. Loenberg.
"There's nothing like sex, good food, music & humor to stay fit."
   [At long last !!!  A 90's lifestyle we can all enjoy.]
 
 
Source: The Baltimore Sun (text was edited but not altered)
        www.sunspot.net
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 06:16:36 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cyber Sex
 
          Reasons Why Cyber Sex is So Popular
 
10. It's easy to turn a computer on -- just flip the switch.
 9. Virtual dancing baby easier to care for than real one.
 8. Less threat of Kenneth Starr investigation.
 7. No trips to the doctor if you catch a computer virus.
 6. The low cost of commitment: only $19.95 in ISP charges.
 5. Monitor size doesn't matter.
 4. Easier to hide a laptop if someone walks in.
 3. You never spend a penny on deodorant, perfume, or Mentos.
 2. Everybody assumes "clinton@whitehouse.gov" is just an alias.
 1. No need to say, "I have a headache" -- just claim you couldn't
    dial into your AOL account.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 07:51:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Genie
 
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an
old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The
genie said "OK, OK.  You released me from the lamp... blah blah
blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get
one wish!"
 
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly and I get very
seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over there to visit?"
 
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No,
think of another wish!!!"
 
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally
he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I
could understand women... know what they are thinking when they
give me the silent treatment... know why they are crying... know
what they want when they say 'nothing'. Can you help me to under-
stand women??"
 
The genie said, "Tell me again. Do you want that bridge to have two
lanes or four?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 08:20:29 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Teenagers
 
Teenager (noun)
 
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often
clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS).
Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical
similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different
species altogether (See PARENTS).  Very territorial.
(See IT'S MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)
 
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact
with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo
family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS
OF).  The males of the species forage for food constantly (See
MCDONALD'S) and can consume three times their weight every
day.  When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked
by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and
look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).
 
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their
eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers.
Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest
development (See WONDER BRAS).  Males indicate their approval
by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF).
The call of the female is complex and shrill:  "Like, O m'Gosh!
O m' Gosh!"  Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with
a salutatory "Yo.  Yo.  Yo.  S'up?  S'up?  S'up?"
 
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments.  The
females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six
hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and
warn intruders "I'm doing my HOMEWORK.  My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK."
The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and
listening to violent electronic signals from radios.
 
Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS,
LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and
sighing.  Females burst into tears and slam doors.  Many Homo
Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one
(See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These
host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting
them some time in the eighteenth year of life.  Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to
live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward,
often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE).
 
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational,
   intolerable, or inexplicable behavior.  ("She's a Teenager.")
 
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other
   in support.  ("I have a Teenager at home.")  Often accompanied
   by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 12:57:16 -0500
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: A moaner
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a
long vacation."
 
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says $30,000.  The teller asks his name and the
frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows
the bank manager.  Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial
amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral
against the loan.  She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral.
 
The frog says, "Sure.  I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.  Bright pink and
perfectly formed.  Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have
to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
 
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000.  And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what the heck is this?"
 
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-
knack, Patti Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 17:45:43 EST
From:    Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nursing home
 
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's.  His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but
she couldn't handle him any longer.  He would wander about never
knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was.  She took him
to a nursing home.
 
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a
nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.  Suddenly the man starting
slowly leaning to his left.  The nurse ran over and put a pillow on
his left side to prop him up.
 
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.  Again, the
nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.  Then he
starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.  About this time, his wife, having completed the
paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
 
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 18:01:26 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This Week In Social Science
 
	Feb. 15: Judge Star Reconvenes Grand Jury
 
The crusade against Clintonian democracy gets underway again. So
far, Starr has begun to look into allegations that Clinton is
responsible for the Reichstag Fire, non-representational art and
the Teapot Dome Scandal.
 
If at first you don't succeed, pry, pry again!
 
	Feb. 16: But, Rush Limbaugh Just Keeps On Talking Anyhow
 
The normally gentile world of physical anthropology was rocked this
week when three graduate students published a paper in which they
argue that an earlier paper, by three researchers from Duke
University, is dead wrong.  The folks from Duke claimed to show
that Neandertals could talk because their hypoglossal canal's are
similar to that of modern man, er, men and women.
 
The upstarts pointed out that monkey's had hypoglossal canals the
same size as contemporary humans.  It is not know if any talk-radio
hosts were included in the samples which were analyzed.
 
Source: Chronicle of Higher Ed
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
	Why Don't We Just Treat It With Gaulic Disdain?
 
The Chronicle also reported on a recent (Fall 1998) issue of
"Diacritics" which features a series of essays on the future of
French studies.  One pundit suggests that French Studies, these
days, is just the "study of the disappearance of French."  Another
argues that you've gotta know French to appreciate Flaubert.
 
I say: yeah, Flaubert may have been pretty good, but what's he done
lately? And, why bother with a dumpy language where they have to
force their own people to say the French equivalent of "airport"
because it's got so blasted many syllables?
 
	Feb. 17: Garrison Keilor Speaks Out On Contemporary Culture
 
Noted cultural analyst Keilor suggests that "civility" in our
culture dictates that the government provide some Democratic
investigator with $50 million dollars and 5 years to dig up dirt
on Republican leaders.
 
It's always bigger and bigger government with these guys!  I hope
he continues to steer clear of Governor Jessie Ventura!
 
Source: TIME (Feb 22, 1999)
                    - - - - - - - - - -
 
	All "Shook Up" in Alabama
 
Several women in Alabama, aided by operatives from the American
Civil Liberties Union, have asked a federal judge to strike down
an Alabama law outlawing the sale of, um, er "personal" vibrators.
The penalty for selling these items is a $10,000 fine and a year
of hard labor.
 
A spokeswoman for the state said that the state was acting within
its powers because it merely banned the sale, and not the use of,
vibrators.
 
There's no word on whether the Alabama Chamber of Commerce will get
in on this.
 
Source: Reuters Limited
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 17:29:20 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Quotes
 
Some of these quotes are urban legends, some are taken out of
context, and some are just silly.  Sent from a friend.  Original
source unknown.
 
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
  Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
           forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
           then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
           which is why I would not live forever."
     --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
 
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
 rates in the country."
     --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
 
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
     --Winston Bennett, Univ of Kentucky basketball forward
 
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
 world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
 that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
     --Mariah Carey Pop singer
 
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
 We are the president."
     --Hillary Clinton
       commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
 
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to
 preserve disorder."
     --Former Chicago mayor Daley
       during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party Convention
 
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
     --Former French President Charles de Gaulle
 
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
 the law."
     --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor,
       answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
 
"The Internet is a great way to get on the Net."
     --Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
 
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
     --Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
 
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
     --Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
 
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
 same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also
 discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
 what they are."
     --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
 
"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."
     --Boston Mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
 
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
     --Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
 
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
  take them off."
     --Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
       charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair
       of pliers
 
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
     --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
 have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
 converse with those people."
     --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who
 make them unsafe."
     --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
 
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
 of your life.
     --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
       spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
 
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
 principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce
 the appointment of David Steele to the post."
     --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,
       Barrington, Rhode Island
 
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
 jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
     --Texas Congressional candidate
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 19:13:26 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
116. Elwood P. Dowd had indulged more than normal, and visualized a
phalanx of clones of his best friend moving away from him. This
could be called...
 
117. What do you call the biologists, physicists, geologists and
astronomers who, for residual income, love to paint billboards?
 
118. After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan
get back from the drugstore?
 
119. What famous play is about a supplier of wild game to gourmet
restaurants?
 
120. Other than the sweat, why is an ancient sweatshop likely to be
noticed by your nose?
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - -
                       (Answers)
 
 
116.  A Receding Hare Line (By Stan Kegel)
 
117. Sign-tists (By David Bunch)
 
118. Prints of darkness (or Dark Prints) (By Gary Hallock)
 
119. The Merchant of Venison (By Stan Kegel)
 
120. The Ol'factory (By Cynthia MacGregor)
 
 
Pun of the Day:
I suspect that most cross dressers have hidden a gender.
          --by Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 22:32:56 -0500
From:    post-delilah-samson <ybrudno@MBHS.EDU>
Subject: Some cool quotes
 
- Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
- In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT
  were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their
  class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
- I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
  Unless we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley
- Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have
  three sides."
- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
  For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and
  iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car
  through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
- It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are
  so ingenious.
- Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
- Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered.
  -- Woody Allen
- What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
  intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average
  adult. -- Sigmund Freud
- When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
  important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the
  authorities.  -- "Basic Sex Facts" by Matt Groening
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
  cause kids.
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop
  at the end.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
  around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
  the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
  knees.
- Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates
  that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
  decide to play chess?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat
  belt.
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's
  open.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
  die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
  attorney.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
  --Garry Shandling
- "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
  --Rita Rudner
- "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
  At least they can find Kuwait."  --A. Whitney Brown
- Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
  second."  --Steven Wright
- "I don't know what's wrong with my television set.  I was getting
  C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I
  actually bought a congressman."  --Bruce Baum
- "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
  Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think
  of your three best friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."
  --Rita Mae Brown
- I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
  something else."  --Lily Tomlin
- "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
  the same thing:  'This looks much better on.'  On what?  On
  fire?"  --Rita Rudner
- "USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out
  of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
  --David Letterman
- "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
  dressing and spaghetti sauce... I thought he was missing."
  --Bob Saget
- "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom &
  Gomorrah an apology."  --Jay Leno
- "I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
  what to feed it."  --Steven Wright
- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
   would be dead."  --Johnny Carson
- "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
  --John Mendoza
- "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold
  them above globes.  They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too
  high!' "  --Bruce Baum
- "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
  but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
  --Jerry Seinfeld
- "I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in
  New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
  it just isn't cold enough.  Let's go west.'"  --Richard Jeni
- A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
  enjoying it."
- Without psychoanalysis, we would never have found out that when
  we think a thing, the thing we think is not the thing we think
  we think, but merely a thing that makes us think we think the
  thing we think we think.  --Steve Weller
- The skunk sat on the stump and the stump thunk the skunk stunk,
  but the skunk thunk the stump stunk.  --Thomas Rowe
- "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly
  after age 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the
  Colorado State Senate), remark on the Senate floor during the
  1995 session, quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995
- "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
  his house."  -- Zsa Zsa Gabore
- The secret of success is sincerity.
- Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
 
 
http://www.mbhs.edu/~ybrudno/mailblair.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 19 Feb 1999 21:45:29 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Canned Contents (adult)
 
A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting
in the dirt and intently working on something. As she approached,
she saw that he was using a twig to stir something in an old soup
can. "What have you got in the can, Johnny?" she asked brightly.
 
He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said, "Got me some
chickenshit n' water."
 
After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered, "What in the
world are you doing?"
 
"Makin' me a teacher!"
 
"Oooh!" she howled. "The principal shall hear of this!" and she
stamped off to find him.

When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy was still hard
at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration. "All right,
Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you got in that can there?"
said the principal.
 
"I got me some chickenshit an' water" said Johnny, grinning
crookedly at the man and continuing to stir.
 
The principal recoiled in horror. "What do you think you're
doing?", he bellowed.
 
"Ize makin' me a principal", Johnny replied, leering up at him.
 
"Well, my young friend, we'll just see about that", the principal
said, and stormed off to find a cop.
 
When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny was still
industriously working on his project. "All right, me lad, what've
ye got in the can?", the cop asked.
 
Johnny replied, "Got me some chicken shit n' water!"
 
The cop frowned and said, "ah, and I suppose you'll be tellin' me
you're makin' a cop, now won't ye?"
 
Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its
contents.  "Nope. Ain't got enough chickenshit."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Feb 1999 to 20 Feb 1999
************************************************
 
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